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A telephone call at three o'clock in the morning:
- Hello. . .
- You have a window does not run through a flock of sheep?
- Have you anything left behind?
Sit at home with father and daughter-in-law. Svekrov says: - All of us well. I live in abundance, and does not swear, that's only place is not whitewashed. Daughter in law: - What are the problems, Mama? Whitewash is? - There is just no tice. Daughter in law ran to her father-in obstrigla his beard, took a brush and whitewashed hut. Svekrov again: - Here, whitewashed cottage, and the windows are not painted. - What are the problems, Mama? The paint is? - Yes, there's just no brushes. Daughter in law ran to her father-in and cut off his mustache, took a brush and painted the windows. ... Evening. Husband returned home from work. Views - the father sitting on a tree. - Dad! And what were you sitting? - Yes, son, at home the women gathered pancakes oven. So I still do not know they have, blyat, eggs or no ...
In a dark alley man in a mask and a knife in his hand, making me blowjob lady, after a short resistance all happened. . . The man, removing his mask: * Well, Galya, Nitsche terrible. . . And at home we can not. . . Home we burp. . . *
Day one. By the earth is approaching a giant asteroid. With brave drillers went to him to install the nuclear charge. Day Two. By the earth is approaching a giant asteroid with nuclear warheads, blyat.
Guy met a girl, walks in the evening in the park. Charter
sat on the bench, continue the conversation.
After a time a guy wanted to cast. He got up and walked over to the bushes. Began
Here there is a loud male voice:
- Good piss, you freak!
- Could you be quiet and pokulturney? I've been with a girl.
- And I that, in your opinion? Herbarium collect?
Once, going home by taxi. As money came out of approximately 500 pp. Night. Dark. We came to the native home - block. Crept thought in my head "Do not slip away without paying? Big house - in the staircase ran and look - fistula" A Figl drunk? Lomanulsya of the car! First ebanulsya wrong skull on the rack. Then he tripped on the curb and welled up on the bench. While rose tore his pants on a nail protruding from the bench. Half a minute trying to open the intercom. All this time the taxi driver looked at me with crazy eyes of the car and the active action is taken. "He's in shock!" I thought. Much easier - then already in prodezde, remembered that he paid him when he sat down in the car ...
And I - Cherry .. - I - apple ... - And I - tomato ... - I - dunce ... Director: - boy! ! Again, you - eggplant! ! Children: - and I - Cherry .. - I - apple ... - I - eggplant! Director: - boy! ! You - dunce! ! First comes - tomato! Children: - I plum purple, ripe, garden! - And I apricot, in the south grew up! - And I'm a tomato! Together, we orchard! runs into a girl: - no fruit or dick, drink the juice "my family" Director: - a girl, how much you can repeat? "And I feyhuya, drink the juice" my family "The girl runs again: - and I am no fairy dick, drink the juice, my family," Director: - a girl, not without a dick, but simply - feyhuya! Rushes again: - and I just without the dick, drink the juice "my family"
They come the newlyweds to the village. Day did not come out of the bedroom, two. Grandmother them shouting:
- Grandson, you would be gone, eaten though.
- Yes, we Grandmother hungry, we eat the fruits of love!
- Yes, you eat, eat, just peel them or throw out the window, and then goose choke.
The evening before bedtime Mom takes a shower, and my father comes to this time in the bathroom and brushes his teeth. I saw my mother through the curtain and wanted him to fuck my mother. He got her in the shower and let her! . .
Here in the bath accidentally looked Vovochka and all I saw.
Dad thinks: "Yes, that's bad happened, we must somehow otmazatsya. . . .
Well, my father decided to portray the punishment - beating her mother in the ass and says:
- This is for you, so you did not scream at Vovochka! Do not scream!
- That's right, Dad, right! And the cat you @ bio that does not scratch!
Myly ... I have two strips of ... Are you pregnant? No blyat, I hacked !!!!!!!!!!
Gathered Gala marry Peter. A friend Ksanka and says:
"You sho? He w curve!
-Thank you, Shaw warned.
Wedding upset, and a month later Ksanka she jumped to marry Peter.
-Ksanka, you creep, you're told you that he has a curve!
-My mother and I thought with him did not you shoot!
Girlfriends are divided, as they had a first meeting ...
- It was awful! Imagine, led to his home, once in bed, after 5 minutes had finished and went to sleep. What a nightmare!
- Oh, and I was all like a dream! They went to the restaurant, drinking amazing wine. Let's go to him for two hours with foreplay, an hour sex itself, and then another hour talking about everything! Super!
At the same time meet at the other end of town, two guys.
- Was a cool evening! Just go with me, brains are not composted, have sex, I went to sleep, enough sleep, the mood is excellent!
- And I have some horror. I had to trudge to the restaurant - there is a waiter, a pancake, brought the most expensive wine. Uncomfortable, had to take. Neither head nor ... Went home - I have two hours to get up an hour could not finish, then an hour I could not sleep ...
Gay comes to the doctor and says:
- Doctor, my partner, AIDS is found, and I am afraid that I myself sick.
- Well, turn tests, we'll see.
There comes a gay couple of days for analysis, and the doctor to him:
- I have to disappoint you, the results are positive, you have AIDS.
Gay upset, and the doctor to him:
- But do not worry. Since you have only the initial stage of AIDS, there is one tool proven popular, 100% at the initial stage helps. Takes three liters of milk, finely cut dill pickles there, it snowed sauerkraut, kroshete herring. Then all this for two days and all advocated drink in one gulp.
- Thank you, doctor, great, you just saved me.
Leaves. Then the nurse who sat and heard it all asked:
- Why did you give it all been told? He also analyzes normal.
- Nothing: Let him sit on the jerk and think, why peasant ass needs!
The wife asks her husband:
- Vasya, but as there is in the mine, tell me?
- I'd rather show you. . . Closes it in the closet and starts to peel the crowbar on the cabinet, spray water, shake it, Half an hour later discovered, his wife fell unconscious and lies. My husband took, and poimel it. Ochuhalas wife and asks:
- It all became clear, but have something me what happened? !
- For early withdrawal from the workplace!
Young, pretty girl comes to the church, coming to the priest. It no makeup, no jewelry, clothing, conservative-strict. Dropping his head, asked: "Father, what do you understand the concept of proteireya Theophanes on social and patriarchal union of the soul of man with God on the basis of his religious views expressed to the Russian Orthodox Diocese in Paris? Father: "Marry, fool! Toldos Yeshurun URGENT!"
- Doctor, doctor what do you call? - What do you call? - Well, as it's called, I am his wife for the night 16-Tb again! - Pizdesh it is called!
The boy steals in a strange garden of apples. Suddenly, from behind a tree takes off guard and grabbed the boy by the causal place. - What is your name? - Asked the watchman. The boy was silent. Caretaker even more squeezes his hand. - How to call, I ask? In response to silence. Caretaker presses hard. Eggs crunch. - The last time I ask, what was the name? - Yasha - quietly replied the boy. - And why it is still silent? - Dumb I ...
Cardiologist arrives in the car wash, he hunky car repairs, and says:
- Hey, man, so I go over the motor - and you are the engine sorted out, only human - why you are paid 4 times more?
Cardiologist nods, goes to the car, including the ignition and said slogger:
- And now try, move with a running engine!
Quarreling husband and wife.
- In my life there were only two real men!
Male, with curiosity:
- And who is second? ! !
- You're the first, and do not know.
Three men sit and remember the youth. Began to remember who is a most horrible sound in my life heard.
- The most horrible sound was - is when I fished in the winter at sea, and heard all over the ice began to crack and break.
- And for me the most terrible sound was when I worked in a mine roof supports to collapse rattled.
- And I - when I'm with a woman lying in bed, and suddenly her husband came.
I was like, so immediately jumped out the window. . .
- A sound-where?
- Wait. Through the window I jumped, but he caught me by the balls. So that's the most horrible sound was when he tried with his teeth to open penknife.
- Doctor, I always think that I am a moth!
- This is not me-you to a psychiatrist!
- So I said to him, and walked, but you have the light lit. . .
Should senior warrant officer in the form of a mirror with his hands covering his epaulets
- So like a complete moron.
- And so - Chief Warrant
A call to "special" place of business:
- Good night, say, girls can order?
- Yes, of course, so much per hour.
- In the bath podvezete?
- Yes, of course, a half hour will be.
- Tell the boys there?
- Yes, you are interested in active or passive?
- Yes, in general, anyway, here we are in the sauna bathing popem beer, have sex, should be the logical conclusion of some fag's face stuff ...
Scientific vessel was not the first month of hanging around in the sea. People slowly began to drink. The captain decided to stop the case and collects the entire team at planning meeting.
- Okay, in connection with the increasing incidence of alcoholism, order: all the vodka - overboard.
Hung deathly silence. And suddenly, from somewhere in the back row is heard:
- And that, it says the captain, indeed it is high time all of her overboard!
Team explodes with indignation:
- And you, divers, do not let the word! ...
In the pet shop. The lady holds out a finger parrot:
- Well, greenbacks, you say?
- Madame, frankness frankness. You are solely the egg?
They come in the car, and put the husband and wife. Passing a dirt road past a pair of pigs. Wife:
- I bet your relatives?
- Oh, mother-in-law to the test
At school the teacher asks:
- Kids like you are in a family in crisis?
- We are already half do not eat meat.
- And we brush our teeth once a day
- We kicked nurse
- How is it?
- We spapkoy consulted and decided: boobs I have not suck, the folder is not worth while for a neighbor to feed her - excuse me ...
Boy - girl: - Did you know that 93 percent of women masturbate in the shower, while the rest sing one song. - What? - So masturbiruesh ...
And I, behold, got married recently. At the frog. So, hit it onto the ground and turned into a beautiful princess.
- And how to say. Too heavy blow.
Man sunbathing on a nudist beach, avoid sunburn
closed its most important organ of the hat. Passing by the lady slyly
- If you were a real gentleman, you would have tipped his hat in
the presence of ladies.
- Madam, if you were a lady, she roused herself to herself!
Joyful student jumps out from behind his desk and runs to the door.
- Wait! -cries the professor, pointing to zachetku, "It should be noted.
- Note the evening! -heard from behind the door.
Late evening, the husband and wife lie in bed. . .
Wife:-Darling, take me!
Husband: - Go to sleep, I'm not going!
- Tell us how mad your wife?
- We traveled to the mountains, where a great echo. But she got used to the last word has always been for her. . .
7-year-old boy fix a 4-year-old brother:
- Hey, bro, we're already big, it's time we start swearing.
- It's time - agreed kid.
- Hence, such a plan, - said the eldest. - Tomorrow morning we leave for lunch, I say "B% I", and you - "by x% d". And watch the reaction of parents.
Said - done. The next morning, sitting in the kitchen, my mother turns to the senior:
- What do you want to put a breakfast?
- I would, b% I, pancakes, - he replied briskly.
Slap! - Mom from all foolishness weighed his cuff, and the boy runs away in tears from the kitchen, holding his head.
- Well, you what? - With the threat in his voice asked my mother younger.
- Yes, I really do not know - timid responsible kid - but only on x% d me like pancakes
A guy goes to the car. Inner voice says:
- Stop and dig zds!
Dig - opa! I found a bag of gold! Goes further, the inner voice says:
- Throw the bag into the sea.
The man thinks: "Now vyplyvet 10 sacks. Threw - nothing surfaced!
And the inner voice:
- Vidal, as bulknulo!
Liquid crystal display, liquid crystal. . So what? Neither you nor liquid, neither you crystals. Only vain Grenzmauer!
A man drowned in a pond, despite the fact that he was a fish on a horoscope and shit like a man ...
Two friends sitting at the bar. . Passes stunning maiden, another one says:
- A week would not eaten, not drunk ... Only to sleep with her ... A friend hears the case, turns around, said:
- Easy! If a week is not eating, not drinking - I'll give myself.
Short leads companion home, closes the cupboard. A week, a friend, she released him from the closet, undress, lay on the bed, said, they say, you won the argument, I am yours. He goes to the girl, touching his chest and sighing said:
- Upholstered this ... . How HLEBUSHEK ...
Two girls are discussing a guy with whom one of them had recently met.
And they have such a dialogue:
- And now I'm all in pain!
- What? Writing does not give?
- Call no call. Writing something like ladies.
Husband arrives from a trip. The wife of fancy man, well and running. Guy enough gun broads, missed. He is the second barrel broads, again missed. He sat down and thought.
- It does that. I came, my wife fuck, my vodka drink, and I have also spent with fireworks.
- Hey, that today you can advise of cocktails?
- Today, our cocktail of the day - "A maximum of three!
- How's that?
- Well, see: berem a wine glass of wine, the second ... maximum of three, and pours into the saucepan. Then berem one glass of beer, the second ... maximum of three, and pours the same place. Then berem one shot of vodka, the second ... maximum of three lem in a pan. And, finally, berem a glass of brandy, the second ... maximum of three, pouring, vse a little heated. Then drink one glass a cocktail, two ... Well, a maximum of three. Then vstaem and do step two ... Well, a maximum of three!
My cat often shit on the corners, I have him for this luplyu, and I think he thinks I'm his luplyu for the fact that he has little shit.
Want to have a husband during cooking was joking, laughing and spinning somewhere nearby? Invite a pretty girlfriend in a mini skirt to help you in the kitchen.
Popal man in the hospital. Nurse brings lunch - a piece of bread, a quarter of a tomato, half an egg, a spoonful of porridge. The man angrily looking at this dinner, then calling the nurse. - What do you want? - Postage do you have? - And what brand? - After lunch habit, damn, read something.
- Yes you shook me! Back late at night, live dirty footmarks in the corridor, rattles dishes, budish me!
- I will!
Two old ladies talking in the house.
First: - Listen, and you with her grandfather night "balueshsya?
Second: - What are you, old, 80 years already, what about ...
First: - And we are here "baluemsi" ..
First: - Lyagem side by side, will raise .. up and looked - in whose
side of the falls, to-morrow for bread to go.
Boy and girl lying in a hayloft, having experienced the first joy of love. The girl clung to the guy: - Vanya, and you looked after me until someone else? - Caring. Over the beast ... But this is so, without love.
Estonian boy comes home from school, and he has a wife and three children!
In America, banned to use the word "woman" as an insulting allusion to sex. Now they say "vaginoamerikanets.
- Here the youth gone! Daughter in 16 years hanging around all night discotheques,
God knows doing what, and mother of 30-anniversary congratulations to forget!