Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
If it is the maxim that "the cobbler - no boots," it explains
that many gynecologists - men.
In regard to precious stones of its exterior was universal,
rubies came to her eye color, and emeralds - the color of the face.
QUESTION: I wonder what would happen if you drink the whole pack of Viagra at once?
ANSWER: Orgasm in the coffin.
The first hybrid cars started to do more in the USSR: they went to
petrol and with the help of such a mother.
- Hello! This meteobyuro?
- I at the Eiffel Tower. Where is the wind?
- From the north-east!
- Then Piss be on the south-west?
There is shooting program "Taxi" for the channel TNT. Lead goes on the road. Sees - there are three yarkovyrazhennyh fag in tight rags, and vote. Lead inhibits - fags sit down, play music, and leading normally begins to speak: - Hello, you hit ... - No, man, you're in! :-)
Every person has the inalienable right: to doubt anything and get over it in the face ...
Comes guy to get a job. But the chief asked him: - Do you drink vodka? - Is there? - Yes, no, I'm so in principle. - A-ah. In principle, do not drink.
When Soviet troops occupied Bessarabia, say, the soldiers began harass local women: "they say, let's" ... Well, they say, given. Since then, their "Moldavian" and the name.
Finally managed to establish the cause of origin of the mysterious circles on the wheat fields. It turns out this is the place where hedgehogs lead dances.
- Defendant, your last word. - Atishoo! - Stay healthy. Shall be pronounced a death sentence ...
- Masha! How many times you can say - my grandfather is old, the has no strength to fight with you. Stop choosing him vodka!
The lone man to get acquainted with a decent and attractive orphan. Interested please send photocopies of death certificates parents.
- Honey, what did you do? - He could run. - Why T-shirt covered in blood? - Caught up!
By meat - red wine, the fish - white wine, to pasta in nautically - Moldovan! ..
- Guys, this classic just super! I liked Povorotti! - What do you out of it like? - And here it is here: Here! New twist! ....
Moderators reserve the right to cut a long anecdote
A man applied for a salary increase, and he came the answer:
meet 50%. He asks incredulously of the director:
- And 50% is like?
- Explain: The whole arm - this is 100% and 50% - this is so (and bending the arm in
World's first terapikselnoe image - scientists around the world
struggling with the question - WHY?
New deepwater and high-altitude expedition will establish that
Cordillera are the continuation of the Lomonosov Ridge, and the Himalayas - spurs
Everyone knows that carrying a cell phone on your belt is bad for men
health. Looking at the symbol MTS, you know - the company cares about
our health. How would you read "Coast EGG, man!"
Demonstrate at the air show air defense missiles (C-400) - this is about the same
thing at a symposium of doctors brag coffins!
At Volkov cemetery of Saint-Petersburg by unknown vandals desecrated
grave academician Pavlov. Sloman fence stolen bronze monument.
The militia refused to take the dog track the kidnappers.
- Tanya And why do you come to this city?
- I came to do ... bad ...
- Explore why the toilet is closed?
- Moscow. Sanitary zone.
- What? We have almost a day going!
- So what? City, you know, is also growing ...
In yesterday's football match goal scored side arbitrator. That's what it means --
- Your education?
- I was formed in the process of merging the egg with the sperm ...
Returned by Putin in 2012 in the Kremlin. There is the corridor meets
- How are you? What progress?
- Why, Vladimir Vladimirovich .... nanopistolet invented!
- Wow! Kruuuto! And you can fire a shot?
And: - Please!
P: - And where?
And: - And there - Chubais is - in it.
P: - Why do it?
AND: - Yes, tired of all the horror!
P: - Well ... Bah-boom!
Chubais is going on.
All goes well.
P: - And why does not he fall??
AND: - So this is ... nanopistolet leaves nanodyrki ...
I sold one businessman to another on the cheap 5 tons of bananas. Within
days, the buyer calls the seller:
- Your can not eat bananas!
- Who eats bananas? They also need to sell!
- What's sad is he?
- Yes again yesterday fined traffic cops ...
- Speed exceeded?
- No, for the tinted glass in the glasses ....
What would happen if the whole earth reigned matriarchy?
1) Race in high heels would be Olympic discipline.
2) The fate of the world would be solved between the haircut and manicure.
3) In the institutions would not be such a subject as logic.
4) In mathematics, there would not be rational numbers.
5) On the battlefield, moving at close quarters, the soldiers would be scratched, bit, and
pulled each other's hair.
6) Fishing, hunting, beer and football would have been officially banned by law.
7) world religion would be Islam, and every woman would have been his harem
8) Intolerance towards skin color would be changed to intolerance to hair color:
blondes against brunettes, blondes against brunettes, and all against
9) Paris Hilton would become president.
10) Before the 20 th century, the men would not have the right to vote in any country
When my breasts in the mirror started to bring me, I have decided: that enough is enough,
time to sit on a diet ...
From the diary of Duncan McCloud: yesterday met a nice girl from
5-th class, wait.
From the diary of Duncan McCloud: vain waited 20 years - terrible.
- Hello They say that yesterday you went fishing with his new
- Yes, it was.
- So how, I caught something?
- I do not know.
Today, nearly killed his wife. When I got home, and the fridge magnet
attached disk and a note: "Dear, here's your floppy disk with important
documents that you last the whole evening looking for.
Napoleon and his empire.
Bonaparte, after the great victories, the conquest of Europe and the forced abdication
the throne after losing a "Battle of the Nations at Leipzig in 1813
was sent to the island of Elba in the Mediterranean Sea. Napoleon, with a small
detachment left Elba, and in March 1815 landed in France. In
throughout the 20 days he conquered France without a single shot with
still faithful to him the French army.
Interesting headlines Paris newspapers of those days will vary according
from moving to the capital of the Emperor: "Corsican monster landed in
Gulf of Juan "-" Ravenous goes to Grass "-" The usurper came in Grenoble --
"Bonaparte took the Lion" - "Napoleon approaching Fontainebleau" - "His
Imperial Majesty is expected today in his right Paris.
No luck, when death comes to the girl and saw her frantically
begins to mow the grass.
- Blue cap, and, blue cap, I'll eat you! ..
- Try it, - said the "blue hat", scratching his chest with a striped
The woman on the ship - to the distress. Yesterday in trouble with pleasure came boatswain.
- Ms. Sidorova, why did you come here, your son is already two years studying
another school. We have with you will not succeed.
- What is a female paradise?
- This blue sea, yellow beach, black guys!
- And what is a female hell??
- This is a sea of yellow, blue and black beach boys ...
Want to be an ordinary person? Want to be like everyone else? Want calmly
evenings drinking beer on a park bench and chat with your friends? I'm sick
eternally burning ears? But fuck you, Comrade Bill Gates! You own way
have long been chosen.
- Your Honor! Please bring a case against his wife! I blame her
in the infringement of my dignity. That medical certificate ... May and
show - here infringement and here ...
What do bees and traffic policemen?
1. Irritates others.
2. Very angry, when there is no bribe.
3. And, after all, and from the good bees, and from the good cops use
much more than harm.
According to the FSB train crash with a train Moscow-Petersburg
occurred due to the fact that they were badly twisted nuts. The country has begun
special operation to their twisting.
The telephone customer (W) killer (K):
(B) - I have for you the client.
(R) - Yes, I listen.
(B) - He will go by train 166 Moscow - St. Petersburg on August 13.
(R) - Good.
(B) - payment for his $ 3 million.
(R) - Yes, yes.
(B) - Remember the carriage number and location.
(K) - What, you say, pay for it?
(B) - Three million dollars.
(R) - Well, in this case sufficient number of the train.
In America, a toad with a straw in the ass sued a child a hundred thousand
Bjorn Straustrap, one of the developers of C + +:
I've always dreamed about how to work with the computer was not difficult
Use telephone. My dream became a reality. Now I no longer
I know how to use all the features the phone.
I'm sitting at work (all on leave), all alone, so bored! bought apples
will not wash, tomorrow, even with worms potusuyus.
Once you find your half, begin to wander around the other
halves and make you doubt.