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Call helpline:
- Hello, help! My friend smoked, climbed into a washing machine
and gone!!
Joke #41773 —  
 
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As beautiful as poetically compares blonde with the clouds in one of
Song: "Clouds - white-maned horses!
Joke #41772 —  
 
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Golfer:
- It was the worst game of my life.
Boy house, bringing clubs:
- You want to say that played before, sir?
Joke #41771 —  
 
0
 
Hilenky peasant life wanted to be feared. His dream came true,
when he caught bird flu.
Joke #41770 —  
 
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Two friends. One:
- Yesterday a friend came, I almost do not know, asked to throw it
borrow a pair of sticks. I threw it. Now think, what fools women, well
Is she able to return them to me?
A bell rang, a guy opens the door, stands on the threshold of the peasant and
pretty smiles. At this point, the voice of a friend of the room:
- She must have her husband gay. Here he comes and will return you owe me.
Joke #41769 —  
 
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On the street there are two friends.
- Where have you managed so tan? All white, tan and brown
spots, like a cow ...
- Yes it is in Sochi. There's not protolkneshsya.
http://smile2000.ru
Joke #41768 —  
 
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Wisdom from the U.S. military manuals and other military sources.

Slip gear can lead to spontaneous start-up of
your M203 grenade launcher, when you least expect it.
This will make you extremely unpopular figure in what remains of
your unit.
"An army magazine of preventive maintenance"

Aiming at the enemy.
(Instructions for Zoor).

When the check wrenched out, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend!
(U.S. Marine)

Bombing from aircraft B-52 is very accurate. Bombs are always guaranteed
fall to the ground.
(Units ammo Air Force)

If the enemy within reach - you just in it.
(Infantry Journal)

Usually not recommended to eject directly over the terrain, which
you just bombed.
(Air Force manual)

Whoever said the pen mightier than the sword, obviously not familiar with automatic
weapons.
(General MacArthur)

Try not to look like an important figure - they may save ammunition.
(Journal for the infantry)

"You, you and you ..." (panic )...." The rest come with me! " (Art. Sergeant
Marines).

"Tracers - double-edged sword"

"Five-second delay gives the powder retardants in three seconds"
(Infantry Journal)

Never be first, last, and especially as a volunteer.
(Wisdom of the Navy)

Courage - is when that you scared, you know you're only one.
(David Heksvors).

If your attack is developing too well - you will soon come to
ambush. (Infantry Journal)

No unit is indeed capable of fighting, never
passed inspection.
(Joe Gray)

Any ship can be mined trawler. Once.

Never tell the platoon commander that you are no busy.
(unknown rookie-jolly)

Never call the fire itself - this is extremely annoying people around.

If you see a sapper running - run after him.

You were not really confused, until you are taken aback at the speed of
three sound "
(Paul F. Krikmor, test pilot)

The only situation where the fuel is too much - this is when you
fire.

Wisdom of submariners: "In the sea of more aircraft than in the sky - submarines.

If you overtake the wings of the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter, and thus
it - the danger.

If the twin-engine plane has refused an engine, you always have
enough thrust to reach the crash site.

What are the similarities of the pilot and air traffic controller? If the pilot makes a mistake - dies
pilot. If the manager makes a mistake - the pilot dies.

Never prefer skill luck.

The three most used expressions (as well as the famous last
words) in aviation:

- Why is it doing this?
- Where are we?
and
- Blyaaaa!

Progress on the airlines: Now the pilot can get pregnant from a steward.

"The speed, altitude and brains" - two of the three is always required for successful
completion of the flight.

Soft landing, mostly - good luck, two in a row - just luck, and three
row - a lie.

I still remember the days when sex was not a threat, and flights - have been.

Mankind has excellent track record in aviation - we have no one left
in the sky!

Piloting the aircraft is more important than the message about their problems on the radio
man who, first, nothing in this do not understand, and, secondly,
nothing can help.

The inscription on the table guide flights Air Force Base in Davis-Montana, Arizona:
"In peacetime, there is no sufficient reason for the flight through
storm.

If your helicopter yet it is not broke - it is about to break.

You just know that your landing gear removed and locked away, if access to the
berth terminal requires full power.

At a time when the test pilot climbs out of the experimental
model, which has come off the wings and tail during emergency landing,
arrives at the emergency towing, the rescuer sees a pilot with the broken
face, and asks "What happened?"
A pilot: "I do not know myself just to be here!"
(attributed to Ray Krendellu, Lockheed test pilot)
Joke #41767 —  
 
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At tea-packing factory director Ram asks
Head of Sales Department:
- Tea in Moscow sent?
- Yes, "Fit".
- And in Leningrad?
- Yes, "Extra".
- And in Kazan?
- No, not yet sent.
- Why?
- Do not have time to sweep the floors!
http://smile2000.ru
Joke #41766 —  
 
0
 
Sold his soul? Do not be sad! Send SMS to number 4242 and download the new!

(c) izhstyle.livejournal.com
Joke #41765 —  
 
0
 
Young man asked in a bookstore:
- Do you have a book "How to Become a Millionaire in 7 days?
- Please, do with it, highly recommend to buy
Criminal Code ...
http://smile2000.ru
Joke #41764 —  
 
0
 
Alla read that the ostrich eye more than the brain. "Well have
same! And I thought Filyu unique "- surprised diva.
Joke #41763 —  
 
0
 
Just say "Well that money in the ass", as the ass at once appears.
Joke #41761 —  
 
0
 
That I understand to be Catholic Christmas roast goose, booze,
and to fuck all the brain, including the goose. In the new year may be booze - and erysipelas
OLIVET, nobody you even say anything bad! At Christmas, all necessary
day hunger strike, to await the first star and get drunk with a clear conscience. On
Old New Year must be sure to get drunk, and run finally those
fireworks that you could never run for the New Year. But
Baptism - what sort of holiday are you?
- And that booze and the hole!
Joke #41760 —  
 
0
 
Women's excuse when meeting:
And let me you just scratched your back, and you'll be her friends
show?
Joke #41759 —  
 
0
 
Announcement in the cabin: "Dear passengers, if some of you have
Doctor - please go to the cockpit! "All look at each other. Through
5 minutes: "Dear passengers, if some of you have a priest - please
pass In the cockpit! "All nervous and glances. Another 5
minutes have passed: "Dear passengers, if some of you have a pilot - please
urgently pass In the cockpit! "
Here stands one man: "And if no pilots among us?"
"Then, dear passengers, our airline is bringing you their most
sincere and heartfelt condolences! "
Joke #41758 —  
 
0
 
- Yesterday I bought a hedgehog, today he died, doctors say - from
age ... Of course, would have been young, he would have fled from KAMAZ.
Joke #41757 —  
 
0
 
The girl had quarreled with her boyfriend, wanted to break out of anger Aquarium,
a goldfish to her and said:
- Do not beat, will fulfill your every desire!
- Okay. I want Petyunchik loved me more than all the girls in the world.
To never parted with me, cared about me and acted
any
my desire! ... Oh, Mummy! ... Am I Petkin MEMBER ???!!!!
Joke #41756 —  
 
0
 
Near the pond there are two ducks. One other:
- Quack-quack!
Second, offended:
- Mlyaaaaa, I would say the same thing!
Joke #41755 —  
 
0
 
- Honey, I was told that you're separated from her husband. How are you, poor thing,
live all alone?
- No problem. I quickly got used to. The worst thing about this is that there is
nobody at home who would not listen to me.
(c)
Joke #41754 —  
 
0
 
First: Wedding dress should be fitting.
Second: In the document certifying the marriage, should be
written: "Marriage shall be valid up until
married a woman climbs into her wedding dress. "
Joke #41753 —  
 
0
 
- Hello! How are you?
- Well, your prayers ...
- Then you will not long left!
Joke #41752 —  
 
0
 
Greek philosopher Anacharsis shared by all three kinds of people: those who
died, those who are alive, and those ... who swims in the sea ....
Joke #41751 —  
 
0
 
According to polls, most Russians want to see the group "Otpetye
swindlers "have finally buried ...
Joke #41750 —  
 
0
 
Many cell phones include the option "Vibrator" ...
But no one would guess equip vibrators option "Call"!
kommisar Rzhevskij sensor.net.ua
Joke #41749 —  
 
0
 
Changing himself - a divorce does not shake.
Firstonx
Joke #41748 —  
 
0
 
- And yesterday I saw the cherub!
- Who?
Joke #41536 —  
 
0
 
Ensign Zadov builds a company:
- So, the men who are now on New Year's Eve wants to be Santa
Frost, step forward!
All stand, no one comes out.
Zadov:
- I do not understand men. Is that means that everyone wants to be Snow-White,
what?!
Joke #41535 —  
 
0
 
Code cannibal: the first son eat itself, the second section with one another, and
Give the third in stew.
Joke #41534 —  
 
0
 
Dialogue between two friends:
- What's the most important thing for you to interview with a man?
- Three things.
- What?
- First, that I felt the passion for this man. Secondly,
to keep things in a beautiful romantic atmosphere. And thirdly,
that the husband did not recognize.
Joke #41533 —  
 
0
 
What would any mother-in-law teshilas, if only in the visitors did not come!
Joke #41532 —  
 
0
 
A girl from a cultured family goes to the institute in another city.
A month later she calls my mother:
- Daughter, how are you? They say you've got there, students drink, smoke,
used drugs, engaged in promiscuous sex, enter into
religious sects.
Daughter, surprise:
- Religious sects??
Joke #41531 —  
 
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A guy comes home and sees ...
- Who are you? - Asks.
- Santa Claus!
- And what a clean-shaven?
- Hygiene!
- Why naked?
- So the heat now!
Studios.
Joke #41530 —  
 
0
 
Theorem:
Branching antlers husband directly proportional to the slenderness of legs wife!
Joke #41529 —  
 
0
 
The brain consists of 80 percent of the liquid, and moreover, that it
braking, so many still are not specifically dolili ...
Joke #41528 —  
 
0
 
It turns out that sellers of electronics almost every day to buy a
new models of televisions, computers, digital cameras and DVD
players. Vendors plumbers are constantly changing in their mixers
baths and toilets. And the sellers medications - most patients
Relatives and neighbors!
Joke #41527 —  
 
0
 
Self-esteem is directly proportional to the size of the
dignity!
Joke #41526 —  
 
0
 
When you do not earn much and love the poor woman, in her eyes you
goat. When you do not earn much, and you love a rich woman, in her
eyes of a goat - it's your boss!
Joke #41525 —  
 
0
 
I had this summer a fantastic sex ... Prepared for a meeting, adopted
shower, I think that she was pleased, spread organ imported cherry
jam, lay and lie ... waiting ... arrived, this air-eyed,
something iridescent tight, with no cellulite and stretch marks on hips ...
chest, however, is rather small, but something just not just for youth!
Nectar is appreciated, just pounced on my cock and let's jam
lick! OOOO!! The act occurred in an attitude of riders, she sat on
I top. But love did not last long, I have not had time to finish, as it
departure in the window ... What else to take the flies ...
Joke #41524 —  
 
0
 
The clerk takes a customer-thousandth of banknotes and studying it for a long time
authenticated.
Buyer, tired of the protracted action in relation to the banknote only
that obtained from the ATM, trying to joke:
- Yes, listen, all her right, the floor yesterday morning drew ...
- Bad try, young man.
- Ah, to offend an artist and everyone can ...
Joke #41523 —  
 
0
 
- We understand why in the criminal area of increased fertility.
People are really scared to go out at night in a pharmacy.
Andrew (c)
Joke #41521 —  
 
0
 
Work, Beer, Counter-Strike ... Work, Beer, Counter-Strike ... Work,
Beer, Counter-Strike ... We must break this vicious circle!

... Do not go, what to see, to work today?
Joke #41520 —  
 
0
 
Russia coach Guus Hiddink his attacker before the match with
Dutch:
- You have to be kept as close to Van der Vaart.
- By Van der Vaart? Yes, he's pushing and tramples everything that moves ...
Hiddink:
- Well then it is for you does not represent any danger.
Joke #41519 —  
 
0
 
What? Send SMS to short number?
I'd rather you yourself send a short word!
Joke #41518 —  
 
0
 
Complete a woman at a party drank too much. Friends, too, the legs are not
stood. We decided to play trick. We called to the hospital, they say, a woman gives birth,
take away soon. It was night, sleepy all. Doctors long
did not understand, on a stretcher - and forward. In the morning, waking up, and
roddomovsky in front of her entire staff on standby. The medical director of its
oschaslivil:
- You now, dear, you give birth!
Ta (twit):
- No shit myself I sober!
Joke #41517 —  
 
0
 
The evening before lights out. In the barracks is Santa Claus with a bag behind.
- Happy, dear men! I've brought you gifts - and unleashes
bag.
- Here's to you, ordinary Ivanov, new shoes. And you, Peter, a hat with ear-flaps.

Sergeant Sidorov, but you have a jacket, you see any insignia on it, wait
improving ...
So it all flashes and deserted bag leaves. After five minutes
flies the barracks Ensign Zadov in shorts and t-shirt:
- Soldiers, Santa Claus did not go? Catch - kill the reptile!
Joke #41516 —  
 
0
 
Drivers.
In Russia released two racing cars, this is a passenger and the Gazelle
Kamaz truck, so if a "cork" of the situation one of them goes
slowly - there's no point in trying to overtake them.
Joke #41515 —  
 
0
 
Have you heard?
Verka Serduchka from Boris Moiseyev child waiting!
Joke #41514 —  
 
0
 
There are assholes - fuck that
There are fools - who fuck
And eccentrics who reflect that join
Joke #41513 —  
 
0
 
At the competition "The most profitable business without a significant investment of money
means "beat the draft traffic police sergeant Zhitrozhopenko A. The essence of
is on the road to Moscow, St.Petersburg, every 800
meters was a sign of the speed limit 40 km / h.
Joke #41512 —  
 
0
 
Director of the company talking with his wife.
Director:
- Programmer, which I took a couple of months ago at work,
brought me 30 thousand dollars of income!
Wife:
- And how many programs he wrote?
Director:
- None!
Wife:
-??
Director:
- Simply, if its reports on the work done to remove the word
Windows, you make excellent scripts for porn.
Joke #41511 —  
 
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