Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
Loneliness is when you first Happy Birthday
congratulates site odnoklassniki.ru
I know everything! But not all remember ...
Russia squad will play at the Beijing Olympics with brilliance, if donors
spare no rhinestones on clothing ...
Reporter cattleman Vasya:
- What would you say about the policies of the new president?
- I went to dick!
- Thank you! The full version of our conversation, look at our site
Thank you, Comrade Putin for our happy Medvedev!
The IOC intends to contest all the achievements Yelena Isinbayeva!
Doping is not found
but she knows how to fly, and all of its rivals - no!
We in Scotland do not "run after skirts. We do without this
In the Scottish elite club can go without the skirt. But sidelong glances
others, whispers behind their backs, insolent smile waiter - why you need it
They sit two in the cemetery, his feet dangling in the grave, can not smoke.
One friend says: "Thou Who was there?"
He replied: "I? Cemetery caretaker.
"And from what died?"
"I? - Gropes himself. - Where did you get that I was dead?
"Do not worry, - says the first second. - All were there."
The whole of Moscow city budget goes to Tajikistan. But the grass on
grass is always mowed.
Decided to execute an American, French and Russian subtle way --
pull on the island of the Amazons, and who will last longer - also pardoned.
Well drained them one by one from a helicopter ... Amerikosa immediately broke because
sex hunger. The Frenchman had something plump and suffered the same fate.
On the Russian fell, but immediately fell back and stood a dense ring.
Well, he stood for a smoke - do not touch. Lift it, give an order to
pardon and asked to tell a secret.
- And as I went, once said: who is my first touch, the last
fucked @ Th will!
Wife to her husband:
- I told you to say, I've already forgotten what you said, I do it
said a hundred times!
Judged husband for beating his wife. Before the sentencing judge declares:
- Defendant, your last word.
- I protest!
Physical and mental development of man is fully completed by the
thirty years. Unfortunately, they all want to live on.
- Children whose monument is?
- I do not know, Chenopodium Ivan. Probably, to some well-known policy or
- Why are you so decided, Little Johnny?
- Well, see for yourself. He's full of shit, at the very top!
Experimental drugs mother-in-law bought for her son in law, first tries to
Estonian satellite launched last year, successfully completed the first
orbit around the Earth.
Chemical name: man.
Description: good interacts with C2H5OH, especially in contact
three or more samples. Weight ranges from 5 to more than 500 kg. Dimensions
- From 50 to more than 200 cm
Properties: the trajectory is often rejected by the left. Without
proper care is covered by dense vegetation and coating of dirt,
becomes a characteristic green color and produces a sharp unpleasant odor.
At night, make loud noises.
Usage: usually used for building houses, planting trees
and the birth of children.
Storage: should be kept no more than one sample. Otherwise
case, to store the samples separately from each other, so they do not
contacted. In case of contact, they will self-destruct, and
threatening to destroy all around!
Again, a remake of the famous anecdote.
The teacher tells the children that the birds can be taught to speak
parrot, and sometimes the starling. Vovochka objection:
- Wrong! You can also learn to speak crow, sparrow, owl, cuckoo and
Children begin to rebel. Little Johnny says:
- But I can tomorrow bring all these birds and to demonstrate!
The next day, Little Johnny brings to the class of cells with all these birds
- Crow, as in English passenger car will be?
- Caw! Caw! Caw!
- Sparrow, as in another ten rubles will be?
- Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!
- Owl, I like to eat for dinner?
- Wuhu! Wuhu! Wuhu!
- And you, a woodpecker, tell everyone what happened to me in school - teachers and buildings --
- Tra-ta-ta-ta-ta! Tra-ta-ta-ta-ta! Tra-ta-ta-ta-ta!
- And thou, cuckoo, tell that everyone can hear what I have from this
- Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
- Owl, is it true?
- Wuhu! Wuhu! Wuhu!
Intruders are of three types: spammers, hackers, and Trojans.
Spammers come to load your problems and solve them at your expense.
Hackers come to without your knowledge to unload your account.
And the Trojans come to you just settle.
"I'm fucked now so, so I'm so aggressive."
Approximately so I knew a girl in a nearby car, when she instead
turn signals showed an elongated middle finger.
Olympic schedule of the day this man:
7.00 Throwing alarm. Qualifications.
7.15 Javelin second alarm. Final.
7.30 Men's 800 meters with a dog.
7.40 Table bunting.
7.50 Nordic Walking to the bus stop. 1 000 m.
8.00 10 000 meters from the trolley. Gymnastics at the handrails.
9.00 Chef. Wrestling. Qualifications.
12.00 Lunch. Qualifications: Greco-Roman salad. Final: grab-bag --
12.30 Chef. Wrestling. Final.
15.00. Smoking break. 25 meters from the building.
17.00 jumps on a chair.
18.00 Litrbol. Women.
22.00 Rowing. Qualification (finals not happen).
23.00 Usypanie. 3 attempts. Final.
- Girl, you go out?
- In vain! Good stop!
Salary locksmith Zanachkina got into the Guinness book.
There, he hid it from his wife.
Some casual acquaintance at the resort offered Alekhin whisk parteyku in
chess. Alekhine agreed, but with the placement of figures immediately removed one
his boat. Partner indignant:
- How? You do not know - and give me a rook odds?
At that Alekhine replied:
- If I could give you a rook odds, I would you knew.
Not so terrible mother, as her first graders draw.
Clothes with low waist, are usually people with high
"He tore? Quickly to push!" --
is an indication of the coach on a rod, but not what you think.
- You are the pain of nerve origin?
- More like. Sometimes even bruises.
- My husband is very nervous.
As they say the sheep - "Let us return to our sheep."
Jokes about blondes are so stupid that they laugh at them only
- Cho you have little fingers in a cast?
- Just two?
- The ears scratched and sneezed ...
There is a footpath on Little Red Riding Hood. Toward her jumps Gray Wolf:
- U-hm-hm, who is with us in the woods in a mini-dress come from?
Little Red Riding Hood turned back to him and says:
- Pull for the lightning, you learn.
Pulled the wolf for lightning, and reads on the buttocks:
- Ho-chesh ultrasound to scan a all of the ve-no-po-lo-gies, spro-SEA-ME NJ - As ... So you
Lecturer of the society "Knowledge"!
The enemy - is a man who hates your dignity.
Friend - this is a man who does not look at your weaknesses.
Trouble is not the army that the generals are smart people there are not more
than among the rank and file, but the fact that among the generals, they are more common
than among the politicians.
Scotland - is the only country in the world where it is impossible to determine
the picture on the door, where a woman's toilet, and where men ...
Want to contribute to society? Want to have girls running to you
meet, and sometimes for you? Would you like to have been eagerly awaiting a
any time and in any weather? Automotive company invites you to
work of bus drivers!
Husband gets in a car avapiyu. He otpyvaet dick.
He essno, spazu to vpachu, and there govopyat:
- You know, now we have no human, but we can ppishit monkey.
A peasant has nothing to do, agreed.
Tpahnul he wife.
After genera woman lying in a hospital room and pposit ppinesti posmotpet pebenka.
- Wait a little, now ppinesem.
The next day his wife again pposit show pebenka.
Vpach again Disclaimers glues.
Chepez papu weeks wife again pposit show pebenka.
In the House includes vpach and akushepy, all in a sweat and pvanyh robes.
- Hu you at least tell me who podilsya a boy or a girl?
- A dick knows, we are your pizdenysha A third week kpysham catch!
There comes a lady doctor with the usual problem:
- You know, my husband was simply unbearable. He wants me to keep. I do not
withstanding, he shag me. What?
- Pour it in a soup bromine, cool. Here you retseptik.
She comes back to him a week, threw himself feet:
- Well, not an effect?
- To act, then an effect, but my husband, you advised me
pour tea into the parasite. And we're your recipes from kits misled.
Dimka flew into the parental bedroom and happily hopped on the bed:
- I know - you do not sleep at night! You do something!
Stricken parents were silent. It was evident that this 8-year-old
my son they did not expect. Mom blushed, and my father was trying to find suitable
- E.. Well, you know, my son, how would you explain ...
Dimka interested looking at the red with shame of his father.
- My father is ... e ... tool. Understand? (Dimka nodding).
You also have, but small. Toy yet, so to speak ... And daddy
... mmm ... move them to and fro ... And my mother is ... Oh Lord ...
skin. It also makes it back and forth.
Well, in general, understand?
His father wiped his sweaty brow and stared at his son. Dimka nodded and
- All clear, Dad. But I will not give up on you until you do not show ...
His mother and father exchanged looks. Their eyes uvelichelis considerably in size.
Seemed the two were in a silent dialogue:
"Pancakes, play the game. Well, what - show?" "We will show, what more do something"
The father got out of bed and announced:
- Especially for Dmitry Sergeyevich! Performed for the first time ... for him!
Dimka giggled and sat on the bed comfortable.
- At night, we did not have time to finish, so finish it now!
With these words, my father pulled out his "tool" of the pants and
they began to swing:
- Look, son, will now be sho ...
Mother, preparing her "fur", froze in anticipation ...
Half an hour spouses working hard for the needs of its limbs
favorite son. They vydelovali sometimes such complicated things that
Dimka moaned, screamed and clapped his hands ... IS he saw for the first time!
Finally tired parents postponed jigsaw, sandpaper and a drill, and sat down on
- Hold it, son! This model glider we have the third day with his mother
cut out at night to surprise you to do! Happy Birthday,
Dimka grabbed the glider and ran into the room ... It was the 82-th year. Sex in the country
- Mrs. Smith, you have a happy family?
- Oh yes! I have four sons and a wonderful husband!
- And also where are they now?
- My youngest, John, - in Iraq,
Second son, Mike, - in Afghanistan
The third son Bill in Kosovo now
But senior Peter is going to Iran.
- And where is your husband?
- Travel the world with lectures: How to stop the Russian invasion of
I walk around the apartment looking for clean socks, I feel mushroom ... Where they
are found? How do they look? What can be collected, and what is not? ..
If you expect to see you come seven people, and you only
six devices for lobsters, then ... I have your problems!
Once a computer, two computer - will mesh!
Dog-dog has lost the owner and now drives home just anyone ....
- I'm in this weekend at Buttermilk traveled ...
- And what they did?
- Just kvass.
On weekends my father stuck to his desires album photo of Nissan X-Trail.
And yesterday he hit it ...
Did you know that
Near abroad - it is 8-16 hours in a tank.
Scottish children have the advantage over others that may
hold not only for my mother's, but also for papa's skirt.