Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
- Is there life on Mars?
- No, otherwise the U.S. would they have "helped" build democracy.
Little Johnny comes to school with a thick book under his arm and dissatisfied
- Marivanova! Here you are constantly telling me that more should be read
and enrich your vocabulary. But I just read a
dictionary from cover to cover and not found a single word,
would not know!
- And what kind of dictionary you read, Little Johnny? Maybe some small
- Offended Marivanova. Academy of Science, "Big Dictionary
- Gena, that we have for dinner?
- You know, Cheburashka ... You do not bring with him, all the shops already
closed, and I'm still a crocodile, and hungry ...
I believe those who say that the price of oil is too high, that it
was about to fall, that the revival of Russia after the end will come. I believed
them, even when a barrel of oil cost 20 dollars.
There is a trial
Prosecutor: There is precedent ...
Defense attorney: Objection! Bayan!
Not all women are bitches. Some do it beautifully.
If you are not doing anyone good, then you're not angry, you - just stupid, because
does not know that you're not doing it yourself.
If you are not doing anyone harm, then you are not good, you - very stupid, because
do not know that that is actually doing.
What classmates men differ from their classmates in 20 years.
Women are looking for ways how otmazat your child from the army, the men - as
to attach their child into a good kindergarten.
A man reading the saying "Do not keep all your eggs in one basket"
delaying gum shorts and looking to go there:
- Well, and how to do this?
And no one to drink: the terms of Some alcoholics.
One drunkard another:
- Listen, give me a light.
- I have a lighter broke.
- And what about her?
- Finger on the wheel do not fall.
By and large all the people are divided only into two kinds:
Some aspire to become clowns, others - to own a circus.
Sometimes so want to support domestic producers,
but it is no longer exists.
Announcement of a student hostel: Bed linen is changed once a
10 days - on Wednesdays.
Stirlitz reads the coded messages, sent from the Center: "You need to urgently
to go to Switzerland to foil separate negotiations with Himmler
Americans. And remember: in your hands the fate of the future organization of the world! "
Stirlitz manicure, plucked eyebrows and wearing a dress uniform, with
pathos says, admiring his reflection in the mirror:
- The Center can be calm - beauty will save the world!
The commandments do not learn anything. They wean.
- Where you lead us, not seen not pitch - Susanin sternly cried enemies.
- Do not worry, guys - I do not Susanin, and Moses, and bring you where
be. Here are just have to wait a little, - said the Poles
- Pay attention to the next canvas, still life "The Capture of Paris
- But let me, still life means "dead nature". And here?
- Look closely at more closely. In the background of the picture depicted
polueskadron French, chopped cabbage in a lieutenant Rzhevsky. On
average scattered empty bottles of champagne on the front --
horse lieutenant, he and his two charming companions, all --
Lord, how to write like. So where is this devil advertising?
Men love and women and horses, they just do not like this one
- Dear ..
- What, my love?
- Do not try to be clever.
I received a message that Windows Vista in Russia will not be cheaper.
Indeed, in Russia, Windows Vista costs 100 rubles, and the cheaper it
Two Amanita phalloides watching a nuclear explosion. One - the other:
- You know this guy?
- No, but he dresses like a punk.
When the mass testing of cans of canned meat in one of them found the meat.
Urgent quest began for the manufacturer. All the experts believe that the meat in
could get canned just because of the accident at the company.
Mascot for the Olympiad in Sochi selected dolphin on skis. Propose
Summer Olympics mascot choose floating reindeer.
From the conversation:
- Football team of Russia as the horses.
- In the field only the letter "G" go! "
Cycle of alcohol in nature. Wheat make alcohol from alcohol do
vodka, vodka drinks a farmer, a farmer planting wheat, wheat do
Bear-bear-son asked his father:
- Dad, Dad, but if I catch the mushroom picker, you can eat?
- You can, son.
- But if a hunter?
- It is possible and even necessary.
- And if a fisherman?
- You can not, son.
- But why, Dad?
- Because, son, that of the Fish meat decent bears alcoholics
I have to give gardening, which is called the "Red Star".
Local Gopnik decided to make a joke: correct the word star to another.
- Well, clearly they're written by Th.
- No, not clear! It would be funny. They have the word "star" paint
zachirikali and wrote "dick" next!
Young's wife said her husband:
- Darling, I somehow boring. Let another laptop shall get!
Returned guy out of the woods mushrooms. Shopping heavy - tired;
eat and drink, hunt ... I do believe you - on the edge of the eatery with a suitable sign:
"Nobody went away hungry. Cheaper - does not happen!"
Well, went into the hall and sat down.
Bounces waiter, the menu serves and runs away. A nice menu
1. 0,5 kg vigorous earthworms.
2. Neschipany grouse gamy.
3. Armful of fresh hay.
4. Half a dozen frogs to choose (from a puddle in the yard).
Prices and drinks man has not seen. Grip the basket, and from the hall!
And behind the door - in a corner - a burly, unshaven ... Views unkindly,
waving his knife, weights flexing ...
- Signage, freak READ!
The husband asked his wife:
- Do you have a pipe?
- Pipe? No.
- And why did all the time I was under her plyashu?
Not so hard to become a boss, how to remain human.
From the primer for the children of the new Russian: "We are not goats-ly, goat-ly not we"
If you take pictures of the driver's seat belt with a close-up, then
get a portrait with a black ribbon.
Examination at the Faculty.
- In accordance with the law, a notarized copy of a
the right of the original. Can you cite a case where this rule does not
- Well, for example, the case of a notarized copy
Issue of the Armenian radio:
- What are the similarities between persons found incompetent, and popularity
- And they both denied voice.
The men in the company.
A: Something I have recently fallen out of love blowjob ...
Second: The taste is not like?
Russian man, in order to properly light, simply
mess of things.
- Why Pugachev in his old age chose Galkina?
- Because he makes her memories of youth - can
parodied any lover AB!
Go down to the elections - feel yourself Lohom!
Husband and wife at the polling station:
- Vasya, why are you thinking?! Sui come on.
- Yes I think so ... The next president must be a hairy.
Tradition. Nicholas 2 - hairy, Lenin - bald.
Stalin - hairy, Khrushchev - bald.
Then, then, Brezhnev, Andropov, Chernenko, Gorbachev, Yeltsin ...
Putin - a bald, then the next hairy.
- Yes they won the same number!
- That's what I mean. Which one is the most hairy?
Medvedev had borrowed money from Putin's election, and that it is now in every way
supports - is afraid that in the case of losing that money will not give up:)
Choose Medvedev to Putin, Russia
Salary in 5000 rubles - the unemployment benefit for future terrorists.
Question to the secretary:
- How many characters per minute you type?
- Around 2000, but ... you know - OBTAIN SUCH Bullshit!
Interview with the famous TV presenter:
- How many words per minute you admonish?
- Around 5000, but ... you know -.........
For the fourth time Russian "Playboy" comes with a photograph of
"Viagra" on the cover.
The principle of "one girl does not appear on the cover twice" while
not broken - the girls different every time ...
- Why did God create blondes?
- A sheep can not bring beer from the fridge.
Excursion drevneistoricheskom museum. Two students stop at
mummy of the pharaoh.
- Look how bedolagu bandaged - sympathetically says one.
- Yes-ah, cool it inherited from the ancient Egyptian hooligans!
Daughter asks her father:
- Papus, and I can do your car? Well, for a day! Well pozyazzya?
- Docha, well, what do you give the legs? - Immensely surprised father.
- One - for the brakes, the other - for the gas!