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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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- This is a farm? You are breeding sheep?
- No, it's firm, and we hammered goats.
Joke #729 —  
 
0
 
A Georgian girl:
- Snymy blouse - 100 rubley ladies!
- Taper take off her skirt - 1000 rubley ladies!
- At tabe 10000 rubley! Come and visit atsuda abratna what radyla mate!
...
- I said what mat radyla!
- I was born in a shirt!
Joke #728 —  
 
0
 
The doorbell. On the eve of Santa Claus. Little boy screaming with joy:
- Hello Grandfather Frost! You gifts ...
- Not trandi, kid! Corkscrew there?
Joke #727 —  
 
0
 
- How do you feel?
- Good.
- I also felt good, until you tried Fairy ...
Joke #726 —  
 
0
 
Why when people say about us: so the muzzle Jews', but about them: those
Caucasian nationality?
Joke #725 —  
 
0
 
- Excuse me, but as you on the father?
- I., and why is it?
- Yes, you know, on my mother - on people uncomfortable ...
Joke #724 —  
 
0
 
In the seventies was very popular television program "From the
soul ", which led presenter heartbreaking, People's Artist of the USSR,
Valentine Leontiev. "Weep with us, as we weep, weep better
us. "transfer was carried out from a large hall filled with people. On the stage
sits an old woman. Leontiev: "Dear comrades, before you Pelagea
Nikandrovna Matyushkina, who bore and raised eleven
children. Despite the war, the post-war devastation, this woman
bravely gave birth and gave birth to children.
- Pelageya Nikandrovna! Tell us and our viewers, as you
managed in such inhumane conditions to give birth and raise children.
- I gave birth to her first child before the war a year later came the second.
Once the war started, I was forced to have an abortion ...
Moderator:
- Wait a minute, dear Pelageya Nikandrovna! Forgive me for interrupting you,
you just do not worry! Your son is alive. Vasya, stand up, please.
Joke #723 —  
 
0
 
What an idiot's dream said: "Hello, John, Joe, I have come true!"
Joke #722 —  
 
1
 
- What you need to do to a woman not giving birth, the gun did not shoot the dog
not bite?
- Do not go down.
Joke #721 —  
 
0
 
Warning Lost dog, a cocker spaniel. Hashedshego please return
spaniel, or even a cocker!
Joke #720 —  
 
0
 
- Guys, you're from?
- A straight from the throat and will ...
Joke #719 —  
 
0
 
Another day was a waste of make-up ...
Joke #718 —  
 
0
 
A knock at the door. The hostess opens.
- Allow me to offer our services: we turned off the TV.
- Thank you, I do not need ...
- In a fight will be expensive, think.
Joke #717 —  
 
0
 
Selling imported binoculars. Color.
Joke #716 —  
 
0
 
Recipe salad "Hovogodny: Take 100 gpammov Olivier, add 100
gpammov vodka, then add another 100 gpammov vodka, then add 150
gpammov 200 gpammov vodka and brandy to taste. After that, delete the person
in tapelku - salad is ready!
Joke #715 —  
 
0
 
The psychiatrist tells the patient:
- Do you obviously are not all right with the psyche.
- Excuse me, doctor, but I would like to hear yet another opinion!
- Well, since you insist - please: you're still terrible.
Joke #714 —  
 
0
 
20 years - Play Boy
40 years - Play Man
60 - Play Off
Alex Rossinskii zxc01@ukr.net
Joke #713 —  
 
0
 
Once upon a time was alcohol. On your marital status simply replied: "Divorced."
Joke #712 —  
 
0
 
If a sandwich spread butter on both sides, it will begin rolling on the floor,
turning from side to side.
Joke #710 —  
 
0
 
There is a game "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", the last question before
million. New Russian could not figure out a leading said - you
Two tips: help and support each other room. New Russian selects assistance
friend calls and says:
- Vova came a couple of kids, there's a million man does not want to give.
Joke #709 —  
 
0
 
- What do a zoo and the market?
- And here and there you can see mountain goats.
Joke #708 —  
 
0
 
The teacher tells the children a lesson about medicine and at the end of the lesson provides
children bring a task to the next class of some object
related to medicine. The next lesson Little Johnny comes with a large
bag. All very interesting, what's inside. Finally, Little Johnny
opens the bag and took out a camera. Everyone, of course,
wonder what it is.
- It's apparatus for artificial light, - says Little Johnny.
- And where you got it? - Asked the teacher.
- Grandfather.
- And that my grandfather told you?
Children (hoarse, choked voice):
- You bastard! .. Swine! ...
Joke #707 —  
 
0
 
From the crime page:
- Unknown criminals already the third day hold Valeria Syutkina in
an unknown location and forced him to drink coffee "Grand", every time
when on television is advertising this coffee with his participation.
Joke #706 —  
 
0
 
We tried everything with her affection, all the speed and all poses ...

... Then she went off-line.
Joke #705 —  
 
0
 
In biology class the teacher asked the class:
- How do you think, why girls in childhood grow up above the boys?
Little Johnny:
- And this guy balls to the bottom pull.
The teacher said angrily:
- Why then men higher than women?
Little Johnny:
- Yes because the girls time to grow tits, and they do much
heavier than eggs from guys.
Joke #704 —  
 
0
 
How to understand men?

1. Lovely ugly men.
2. Beautiful men are not nice.
3. Lovely and nice men are gay.
4. Beautiful, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. Those men who are not very pretty, but quite nice, as a rule,
poor.
6. Those men who are not very pretty, but quite nice and the money,
think that we do not love them and their money.
7. Beautiful poor men like us only with our money.
8. Beautiful men who are not particularly nice, but rather
heterosexual, think that we are not beautiful.
9. Men who think that we are beautiful, and that while
heterosexual, definitely nice and the money, usually cowards.
10. Men who are more or less beautiful, very nice and - thank
God - heterosexual, as a rule, shy and NEVER MAKE THE SUBJECT
THE FIRST STEP!
11. Those men who never make the first move, automatically
lose all interest to us, if we take the initiative in their hands.

So can anyone in this world to understand these men?
Men are like wine. First they - bunches of grapes, and it
exclusively concern them women - to squeeze the juice from them, support them in
darkness, and only after that they are suitable to ensure that they can be
was to sit at the table and have dinner ...

Send this Women who want to laugh, and men who
IT will transfer!
Joke #703 —  
 
0
 
Interestingly, play ever billionaires in the game "Who Wants to Be
Millionaire? "?
Joke #702 —  
 
0
 
Young woman stopped the car just under the sign prohibiting parking.
Suitable traffic inspector:
- You mean you do not see anything?
- No ... Oh, excuse me, Inspector. I just did not notice. You have a new
form?
Joke #701 —  
 
0
 
Russian conversation with a person of Caucasian nationality:
- We have the Caucasus have a long tradition - stealing the brides!
- And we all steal a tradition ...
Joke #700 —  
 
0
 
- Girl! You were born in the year of the beast?
- In the year of the sheep!
- Of all things! And looks like a year a horse!
Joke #699 —  
 
0
 
There is Vovochka New Year's Eve with his father on the Red Square:
- Look, Dad, how many trees standing, and gifts, gifts-what
more ...
Joke #698 —  
 
0
 
If the view of some women is the desire to drink - that some kind
men is the desire to eat.
Joke #697 —  
 
0
 
Russia will live well, when Moscow will grow to its size.
Joke #696 —  
 
0
 
Welcome: AvtoVAZ announced the withdrawal of the Party Car
Vaz, released between 1971 and 2001 in connection with the troubles in
control system, brake system, fuel system,
transmission and other systems.
Joke #695 —  
 
0
 
Axioms Boltologii as a national science bolts

- Not yet done so nuts, in which our people would not have been able to
score another bolt.
- There is no wrong bolts - is weak sledgehammer.
- A special way of Russia lies in the fact that it is constantly fighting two
Party: nuts and bolts. When winning nuts, such as occurs
dictatorship.
When the bolts - the type of democracy.
- The stability of society to achieve parity between the number of nuts
near the top and the number of bolts at the bottom.
- A revolutionary situation occurs when one no longer knows where to yet
tighten the nuts, but others were no difference, where would have to hammer the bolt.
Joke #693 —  
 
0
 
- Hu that children want to get to the Christmas tree? - Said Santa Claus, tying
rope to the bough.
Joke #692 —  
 
0
 
Teacher Mathematical Analysis:
- And in our time for 30 cents you could buy an integrated dinner!
Whole group in chorus:
- Aha! Purely imaginary!
Joke #691 —  
 
0
 
- Hello! Doctor!
- Yes!
- You can diagnose me over the phone?
- Undress!
Joke #690 —  
 
0
 
Call on the radio:
- Hello! My favorite mother-in-law, Lyubov, today celebrates its
anniversary. Put it to my favorite song Jumanji "Amores perros.
Joke #689 —  
 
0
 
The girl calls the guy on the phone:
- Do you remember the new year, everyone was drunk at the blackboard, and we zapeplis in
room and had sex?
- Of course.
- Hu here, skopo you become a daddy!
- Pancakes & bany lapek!
- What lapek?
- Which is free ppodaet spiptnye drinks to children under 18 years ...
(C) vn
Joke #688 —  
 
0
 
Mother-in-law with his son-in pazbipaetsya syde:
- Where children! Yes, he is impotent! He's my daughter so no pazy and
pipe # hnyl!
- No, I'm not impotent! Here sppavki from the clinic! ...
- But what kind of f # py sppavki! Are you a member of our show!
Joke #687 —  
 
0
 
Girl comes to confession, well, the priest says:
- You know, Father, I'd%% d '.
He told her:
- It's a terrible sin, how you managed to, because you all some 14 years ...
- Yes, you did not listen, Father, I, b%% d ', smoke.
Joke #686 —  
 
0
 
The young hacker asked:
- Maxim, what you like, except for computers and women?
- Like what? Girls and calculators.
Joke #685 —  
 
0
 
In the Finnish village came a new priest and decided to get acquainted with
parishioners, personally visiting every home. So he knocks on the door
peasant Jussi. From behind the door came the voice of his wife, Jussi:
- That you, my angel?
Priest a little taken aback, but answered:
- No, but I'm from the same firm.
Joke #684 —  
 
0
 
The man returned from a tourist trip to Italy and showed his wife
photos. Seeing the photograph Tower of Pisa, the wife says:
- I knew - you're there and get drunk, you beast!
Joke #683 —  
 
0
 
- What would happen if the secretary gets pregnant from the CEO?
- She would have a secretary general.
Joke #682 —  
 
0
 
The latter decree the President Putin:
With the new 2002 in Russia canceled a bribe.
Joke #681 —  
 
0
 
The Jew asks another Jew:
- You have not forgotten that 100 bucks I owe?
- No! Until the end of his days will be remembered!
Joke #680 —  
 
0
 
- Why Themis blindfolded?
- To see how to give a paw!
Joke #679 —  
 
0
 
They talk to two programmer:
- Seems to have been at yesterday's presentation, but there ... And brandy, and
viskarek, and vodka! After half an hour - have none, and on the tables - not
unbroken, just a shame. Well, I'm not confused, went to the toilet,
pobleval
good - and went!
- That's my CTRL + ALT + DEL always helps ...
Joke #678 —  
 
0
 
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