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- What is your native language?
- I do not know!
- Well, what language do you think?
- I do not think so.
Lieutenant Rzhevskij come to ask his hands Natasha.
- A young man, marriage - a serious matter, - Natasha's father said to him, --
you are sure you are ready for such an event in your life?
- Of course, ready: three cases of vodka, four - cognac, and ordered the Gypsies. You
'll be dancing with my mom.
In the last Sunday in October, many new Russian arise
problems in connection with the translation of "shooter".
A guy comes to a tree and shouted:
- Cuckoo, cuckoo, as well prokukuy!
Cuckoo from the hollow:
- Suck X% @, I guess on the ball will not go!
One old doctor said that he will live only two months.
The next day each starika saw him smoking anasha.
- What's the matter, dear? Crazy?
- I just read that the addicts live for two years, and so want a little
In one responsible official had a free hour, he
decided to hold with his mistress. Phoned her and warned:
- Masha, get ready, I will be within an hour.
We drive to the house of his mistress, lets the car - warns the driver
come after 2 hours. Comes into a staircase and sees a sign: "Lift not
works for technical reasons. "Masha still lives on 17 floors.
Up to 4 th floor soared on the wings of love. At the 6 th wiped sweat from his brow and pulled
validol. At the 11 th sat on the steps and thought:
- Lord, if only this wa # di was not at home!
Caucasus squad beats the Brazil 20:0. After the match all
naturally rush to the coach of Caucasians and begin his excitement
question: "What?" How did you manage? " He modestly says:
- The main thing is to select and place staff. In the attack, I
set the northern Caucasus, well, there Ossetians, dagestantsev. These are not people --
animals, anyone tear. In midfield put the Georgians: they are stars with
is no genius, but very reliable. In defense put
Azeris, these zabesplatno horseradish someone miss. And the gate I
put an Armenian - you he scored, did not score, no matter what x% d
Hunter dies and is in heaven. And there is God as punishment for the blood
innocently killed animals turns himself into a hare, and sends
back to earth. After a while a rabbit trapped in, and more
after a while there comes a hunter who put him. Hare
- Let me go, maybe you do not believe me, but I did in my past
life was a hunter!
- So much the worse for you, pal: I was in my past life was a hare.
- What is worse than the time to sit on two chairs?
- At the same time sit on the two diets.
One man says to his friend:
- Can you imagine, my wife is the second month in compliance with a special diet --
eat some bananas and coconuts.
- Well, as the result visible?
- And how: you should have seen how she climbs on trees!
Who ate out of my bowl and ate all my porridge?
Who was sitting on my chair and broke it?
Who was lying in my bed and squeezed her??
Bear It is time to identify the weakest link ...
In the shop:
- The girl, show me a juicer.
- Sorry, I somehow not strong in the pantomime.
Girl came to get a job in a nightclub. Asks to whom
apply. Her direct manager. Manager, for a long time without talking,
asks the girl to show his chest. That besprekoslovno subject.
Satisfaction, waving his head, manager ukazyvet it on a pole and includes
music. After a 40-minute dance, he apologizes and says:
- You do not come to us, plastics in you do not have enough.
Girl dejectedly begins to mumble:
- And I'm still working on the computer can do.
-?? And what have computer?
- So I came to arrange an accountant!
In St. Petersburg zoo conducted a survey among the beasts - who have some lunch
wants to get tomorrow? Distribution of answers like this:
meat would be - 10%
sen to - 3%
Governor Yakovlev - 87%
Two well-known issues:
- Is there life after death?
- Are there sex after marriage?
- Do you believe in heredity? - Ask an English lord.
- Of course! Only through her I possess all of its real
He took Moses 40 years of Jews in the desert, walking and saying:
- Shaw, yet no one saw my 8 shekels?
- Little Johnny, who was such a Archimedes?
- Well ... it was a scientist ... once it is washed in the bath and shouted: "Eureka!"
- And what does "Eureka"?
- Well ... it means "found".
- And what did he find?
- I do not know ... soap, probably.
- You were born in wedlock?
- Yes, half.
- Half? What does it mean?
- My father was married and the mother does not ...
- Colleague, how's your patient with delusions of persecution?
- Oh, we almost finished a course of treatment, but then he was shot by a
Plane falls. In one series of three seats, the passenger, there are three.
The first begins to paint, and two others asked her why.
- First of all save the most beautiful.
Second fasten themselves all their expensive jewelry, explaining it this way:
- First, save the richest.
Third, black woman, putting her ass to the window:
- First, always looking for a black box.
- What is the name hairstyle Lukashenko?
- Vintage 2001.
Russian examines housing Americans: bedroom, dining room, nursery, kitchen,
- And we have it, only without the walls.
Worth market Georgians, and above it hangs a sign:
Pumps (krasyvym devushkam - besplatno)
- What really free?
- Kaneshna, krasavytsa!
- And can I take?
Georgian (unbuttoning his fly):
- AT, Sosa!
A friend complains to another:
- Eh, not listen to me in my childhood that my mother said.
- And what did she tell you?
- I told you: I was not listening.
- What falls from the sky and ends at "dak"?
- I do not know.
- Snow, asshole! And that falls from the sky and ends at the "hall"?
- I do not know.
- Snow, asshole, I told you!
- My dear, it's terrible! Today my mother and I went to the doctor and he said,
that we will not have children!
- I do not understand! Do any of you passed a pregnancy test?
Director of the choir chose a 6-year-old boy with the angelic face to
initial stage in the submission:
- All you need to do is when I make the sign of the chorus and they sing
"... and the angel lit the candle, you'll go to the scene and zazhzhesh all the candles.
- I can, I can, - shouted the boy, happy that chose him.
It took a lot of rehearsals, and finally came the evening of the presentation.
Choir perfectly ripe, the whole scene was in the wonderful scenery, and everywhere
there were dozens of unlit candles in anticipation of the moment when the stage
released charming angel.
Director waved his baton, the orchestra played, and the choir sang the initial
verse, ending with the words "and the angel lit the candle" - they all look to
stage in anticipation. A little boy there. Directed once again waved
wand and pointed to the chorus, so that they sang loudly. "... and the angel lit
candle, again, everyone is looking at the scene - a little boy there.
Director, starting to sweat, struggling waved his hands, and the chorus literally
roared, and the angel lit the candle, so that the curtain swayed.
And then the silence came a delightful child soprano, clearly
coming right from behind a curtain:
- ... And the cat wrote on the match!
Why "Formula 1" is not carried out in Russia? Because 5 seconds tires
time to not only withdraw, but to sell.
Everyone knows that Israel is dangerous. Israel knows that it is dangerous only in
Jerusalem. In Jerusalem, know that it is dangerous only in Gilo. All in Gilo
know that it is dangerous only in the street Asafat. All the street Asafat know that
dangerous only at number 14. And all in the fourteenth house know
dangerous only to the fifth floor. All on the fifth floor knows that it is dangerous
only in the twenty-second flat. In the twenty-second flat know
not dangerous in the entire apartment, but only in the kitchen. But the hostess knows that
dangerous than the entire kitchen, but only in the refrigerator, which sometimes
Bullets fly. So, because of two foul hamburgers, we must
to stop the peace process?
The last toast at the party:
- Let the salad, we will rest in peace!
- Who in the world all the sweeter, all rosy and whiter?
- Mom went out without an umbrella, and see what a terrible rain went
worried father says his daughter.
- Do not worry, Dad, I think she managed to run into any store
and perezhdet there is rain.
- This is just what I'm afraid ...
- How long do I have to wait? - Angry customer. - I was the tenth time I ask
bring a steak.
- To prepare ten steaks - politely answers the waiter, --
It takes time, sir!
An American tells a friend:
- I just returned yesterday from London. Prikin, an Englishwoman is so easy
zakadrit! I have them there were: Jane, Kelly, Mary, Catherine, John ...
- Someone who? John??
- You know, in London, a fog ...
My wife said to me:
- We'll never happen!
- Well, - I say. - Tomorrow I'll go throw rubbish - I'll take you to
Finally, Microsoft has made a fair performance in Windows
Windows XP (X @ nd Works)
Bran Ivan Tsarevich snake-dragon one head - and in its place ten
new rose. Bran second - a hundred new rose.
And ran around the Baba-Yaga and shouted:
- Vanya, Vanya, Come pipisku him Ruban!
Zvonyat peasant the New Year.
He takes the receiver:
- Yes. Thank you, and you as well. Thank you, and you do the same.
Thank you, and you are there too.
The guy turns to the girl at the counter steep bar:
- My name is Vasya, what's your name, dear stranger?
The modest way says:
- My name is Maria, but my post.
- But before Easter for another six months, Masha? What is post?
- Work fast, Vasenka.
The little boy is a long time, putting his ear to the diapers
and then, with an expression of profound astonishment said:
- They can not breathe!
Guy on reception at the sexologist:
- Doctor, I is not on his wife, but is at his comrade.
- No problem, imagine that the wife - this ass friend.
- But his wife did not like!
- Find similar woman.
When the other operating systems has long been finished,
Windows continues to work, work and work.
They talk to two alcoholic:
- Listen, Vova, say, on New Year in sobering
be significant discounts ... Al Th, we will serve
- You're a fool, Tolia! This means that we have thrown off
for them much!
In the West, like when a woman is below.
In the East, like when a woman is on top.
In Russia, like when a woman is in the kitchen!
- Sema! Why do not you give a ticket on the train?
- Said that he had all the tickets booked.
- Is that an armored train?
Men sitting in a restaurant, dinner, talk to someone about anything.
Suddenly one of them said sadly:
- And my wife gave birth to my daughter again ...
- So what's wrong? Daughter, too, nothing ...
- Yes, I 4 times for ultrasound went, said that the boy will be!
- So you would ever drove his wife to ....
Christmas tree in ...:
In American style: a big, lush, lots of toys and at least 50%
black children nearby.
In German: dress up a small artificial Christmas tree with a price tag on it
itself and on toys, most of the toys, stands next to a tree in
For Mexican: dress up as usual, only after the decorations have
In Colombia: dress up as birch (they still do not know what
In Chinese: dress up as anything, but not less than 4 billion pieces.
In Japanese: the most sought-most-largest tree is cut down, and Meletios
into small pieces (so that no one went to), then going
artificial, which makes dress up toys and takes them on a timer
in the new year.
In the Kremlin: to decorate a Christmas tree removed children left with
past the new year. At 00:00 begins President
and lasts for as long as the whole country does not pay taxes.
New prescriptions for men.
How to make a herring under a fur coat.
Buy store larger herring. Half an hour before guests arrive
Remove the herring, sit back, cover with a coat. Expanding
herring mouth, make a herring under a fur coat. After that herring can
- Well, Christmas is observed?
- Yes, so ... In the morning I look under the tree socks lying around ... and in them - empty.
Only hands dirtied in vain ...
(-: :-) Bolik