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Sorry, you have Makkonen?
Oh, yes! We have McKone!
Well, that is was Makkonen, but, unfortunately, has ended.
But just for one cup is left.
But I drank it already.
But the smell remained simply amazing.
While the cup is not washed.
At the company "Stimorol" sued because of unfair advertising.
- We chew from morning till evening, but we still nobody gives a - have
plaintiffs Beavis and Butt-Head.
In any animal is a sexual signs. (This is in addition to organs.)
The fish-males - some scales on the belly. In insects - details of color.
In monkeys - terrible blisters on the bottom. The rooster, for example, - the tail. There is
and look closely at the surrounding men - but where's your tail? And easily
this tail discover.
One - is money. The other - humor. The third - courtesy, tact.
The fourth - a pleasant appearance. In the fifth - the soul. And only in the most
carefree - just a phallus. Member as such.
(c) Sergei Dovlatov
- You know me befallen incredible story. Last night
I was awakened by a strange noise. I opened my eyes and saw
hand picked from my pocket a wallet, and took the money from it. I grabbed
pistol, but not fired.
- And what do you prevent?
- I do not want to remain a widower.
Wino swollen at the cemetery, fell into the pit and fell asleep.
Wakes up at night, to be competent, that the cemetery is located.
Views, gravedigger grave digging. Well, the wino in a good mood,
thinks: "Give me, I had frightened him." Found kaku a white sheet,
threw on his head, goes to the grave-digger and so scary screams:
Gravedigger completely pofigistichno looked and continues to dig a grave.
Wino did not understand the other hand came up and the louder and more terrible:
Gravedigger LinkBacks again, looked bl .. d ', no response.
Well, this wino upset, went to the door of the cemetery, even sheet
throw off forgotten.
It reaches the gate, it catches up with the gravedigger, a shovel on fucked .. Lu and calmly
- Walk - a walk, and not come out for the territory .....
The owner of the garden - a boy:
- Who allowed you to climb the pear tree?
- And what could I do when I saw the plaque with the inscription:
"Do not tread on the grass!"
- You want to hide from the state most of their income - says
new Russian tax inspector.
- I'm not guilty, that you count "Earnings" so small that all the zeros
- Mom, look, cycling gloves without fingers,
as from our dad socks!
- Dad, and snow people exist?
- Yes, son, and it is fantastic!
Woman in hospital:
- Girls, you have sisters?
- No, we have a midwife!
- And so much alike ...
- I have a birthday the first of April. But I have never celebrated.
- Why? ...
- No one believes me :-(
They stared at each other .... She sat down under it and
anticipation of pain, moaned .... He bent .. and pulled out her tooth
- My daughter recently started to eat pickles. Probably
in the body something is missing?
- Fool! Mozgov it lacks. Previously it was necessary to think!
Oil painting. Husband and wife stand in a queue outside the toilet. Both have
can not wait. On the toilet sits bold, brazen cat and reads the newspaper.
Wife - her husband:
- If only we taught this beast to the toilet?
- Well, he saw a blog?
- So what?
- I would tear ass!
- Maybe it was just retarded prematurely born to call?
- No, it is not pedagogically!
Foreigners visiting Russia when asked:
- Well, how is there? Many drunks have seen?
- No one did not see! As the morning will offer, so then the whole day nothing
Commentator boxing match asks sitting next to an athlete:
- Interesting situation! Only that one boxer struck another blow to the exact
directly in the jaw. Why not the referee credited this great hook?
- Indeed, the blow was struck directly in the jaw, but at the last moment
he managed to catch a boxer shorts to pull on his ears, and the referee
termed this strike as a blow below the belt.
Guy on the street shouting:
- People! Lyuyuyuyudi! Lyuyuyuyuyuyuyuyudiiiiiii!!
- Turn around, I was pee.
Two peasants speak:
- Why is your son is growing so fast, pull the ears, or what?
- No, I simply display each month at 5 cm lift!
They lie husband and wife in bed. Wife:
- Dopogoy, take me ...
- Sleep, podnaya, we nikyda not going.
There are two, one on his cheek a few scars. His other
- What is it with you?
- Yes well .. at the dentist yesterday.
- And what have scars?
- And who nowadays do dare to open your mouth?
Conversation of two art critics:
- Levitan - comes from a poor Jewish family by displaying Russian
nature, as no other Russian artist. Imagine, there are also
- I believe that nationality is not to blame, and insight
Russian soul, I would not call cataclysm.
- What are you, dear colleague, a cataclysm, I meant the term
"A poor Jewish family"!
Translated from www.jememarre.com:
Little Jesus brings home mark for the quarter. Maria looks:
Mathematics - 2: able to multiply the loaves. Do not know how to share.
Chemistry - 3: turn water into wine at a lesson, despite the ban
alcohol at school.
Fitness - 2: Do not know how to swim. Instead tore lesson, walking
- Well, all Grade retention, finish. Can you put a cross on
their Easter holidays.
Jewish family. The son turns to his father:
- Dad, give me money for ice cream
- Abramchik, some ice cream? It is because the road!
- But, Dad, you're promised that when I'm 7 years old, you give me
money for ice cream.
- Okay, hold ... only the largest not buy.
Years passed. The son came again to his father.
- Dad, give me money for beer - you're a promise that when I'm
15 years old, you give me money for beer. I Sedna was 15 ...
- Abramchik, are you? Beer? At the ice cream?
There is a huge island. In the middle of the island - a huge forest.
In the middle of the forest - a vast swamp. And in the middle of the swamp sits on a tiny
hummock little green crocodile and sadly thought: "Well, why should I
all this? "
- I want to create a fan club Andrei Gubin. Where do I go?
- To a psychiatrist!
A young man with a girl in bed making love.
Girl, once finished:
- Wow! Wow! Honey, did I have never in my life have felt!
It was something insane ... Tell me honestly - Viagra,
- Better! Rastishka Danone!
Behind the door the audience heard insinuating voice teacher:
- So, girl, Slide the foot, and take the tool in the hand and insert
between his legs. And now smoothly: to and fro, hither and thither. And relax:
cello does not tolerate any violence ...
Two older gentlemen sat and drank whiskey in his elite club when
one of them noticed an elderly man, who appears to him distantly
familiar. He turns to his neighbor:
- I say, is not that the Pope is sitting there?
- Yes, I do not know him, why do not you just go up to him and not ask
- And it is true.
Well, here he came to this man:
- Excuse me, sir, but you Dad?
- Pshel the hell out of here!
In shock, this gentleman returned to his neighbor and he asks him:
- Well, what did he say?
- He sent me to hell.
- It's a pity, now we will never know ...
In Russia there is a new television program - logical
continuation of the famous program "About that." It is
"So who are you then?"
A surprising discovery made by Turkmen microbiologists after
ten-year study under the microscope of the water molecule. It turns out that if
slightly curled at the wheel microscope, the molecule becomes visible
The owner of the garden hung in the trees plaque with the inscription: "God sees everything."
In the morning the garden was obchishen, and on one of the plates was made a postscript:
"... But we do not denounce them."
Two friends once their evening walking their dogs. One was
Doberman pinscher, and the second one - a pit bull. A friend suggested:
- Listen, but do not go for us ... addition, according ryumashke?
- So do not let them ... A disqualified home - without them, no longer
Owner Doberman waved his hand:
- Let go! Do as I do.
Going up to the nearest pub, he put on dark glasses and tried to enter.
The bouncer stopped him:
- I'm sorry, sir, but pets can not.
- Yes, I understand everything, but this dog - it is my eyes ...
- How - Doberman pinscher?
- Yes - mildly said to him, owner of the Doberman - now use them as well!
They say they are very good.
I missed the guy in the pub. The second also wore dark glasses and rushed
with his pit bull to the entrance.
- I'm sorry, sir ... - Again began bouncer.
- You do not understand, - he answered - this is a guide to me!
- How to - now and for the train a pit bull?!
- Pitbul? They sold me one of these horrible creatures?!
"According to unconfirmed reports from unnamed sources obtained
unconfirmed information anonymous.
Ant turns to his wife:
- Listen, mother. I'll go, perhaps, to the elephant - will offer cards for
cuff play. Do you think agree?
- I do not know ... I in his place would not agree, really hurt you hand
Wanders somehow Ugly Duckling in the woods. Autumn, night, cold ... Foul
wind, rain, sleet, dark ... Not much has been frozen - lo and behold, hut
ahead! And in her bright and comfortable. Cat with chicken - dinner together.
- Let warm-night, - ask duckling.
- Well, - said the cat - but what do you know how?
- And what do you want?
- Know how to catch mice?
- And let the sparks of wool? Spins bend?
- Do not ...
- And the eggs - hen asked, - know how to bear?
All fucking thinks Ugly, I will say that I could not - kicked the hell out.
- I do, I can!
- Well and carry THEIR out of here!
(Plunger aka Kraft)
If you got cockroaches, do not despair! Start a host of bugs and
Tell them that call them cockroaches krasnopuzymi prematurely born and want
privatize their sofa. And cockroaches say that bedbugs call them
whiskered faces of nationality, that place under the sink, and they
obnaglev, spread to the entire apartment. But then - with a shovel and a broom
finished the wounded.
She gave birth to a nun the next child and decided to put a different him.
The second nun slept with legs apart, when the first nun
laid at the feet of the child.
Wakes up the second nun, sees the child and says:
- Even your fingers can not be trusted!
At school the teacher told her young students that they have drawn
something in explanation of the Bible.
One little boy drew an airplane. And all was clear: it was behind
three figures, but the front was a pilot.
The teacher asked:
- Who are these three people?
- That God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Spirit.
- Then who was the fourth?
- Who else? Pontius Pilot.
- Kyda postypaesh?
- In a medical.
- To what?
- In pediatpichesky.
- (With genuine ydivleniem) Their cure has finally arrived?
- Sweetheart, I love you 10 kg ago.
Angus MacDonald came to study from Scotland to the English university
where he was housed in one room with two other students. When he lived
there a month, he was visited by his mother to visit him:
- Well, how you these English students, Donald?
- Mom, they are terrible, noisy people! The one on this side, all
night without a break, beating his head against the wall, and from this point of crying
cries, and so every night.
- Oh, Donald, how did you get on with these awful noisy
- Mom, I'm not doing anything. I just ignore them. I'm sitting here all night and
played his bagpipes.
Absurd, say that women have no logic, you do not deny the existence
atoms, only because they have never seen.
Comes a "new Russian" in a restaurant and orders:
- A bottle of vodka and this, as it fucking carp!
Bring. Half an hour later again:
- A bottle of vodka and this fucking carp!
Bring. After 15 minutes, again:
- A bottle of vodka and fucking carp!
- Here's a vodka, here's a carp, ebi it myself!
And won Koshchei Ivan, and he married Mary, a princess, but was not developed
their family life - he did not know Ivan, that entoy princess to do, how to
woman, a fool because. He sits like a princess on moping
porch and think. Then sees - Serpent Gorynych flies. He saw the princess
and landing - maybe Th comes off. And so tenderly: "What prigoryugilas,
Marja-princess? "" But here - a husband, bitch, do not want in bed
to do. "" Poor woman! "- thought the serpent and decided to help her." I'll
talk to him as a peasant "- promised.
The next day, flying serpent-Gorynych and sees - quite angry sits
princess. The snake-then beckoned with his finger and said: "You what, old, my
Ivan showered! "Duc said that the woman between the legs is sweeter than honey!" --
replied the bewildered serpent-dragon. "That's something he told me the whole night in the pi $ dy
biscuits poked! .. "
- Hello, police? I've been driving on the highway and two ferrets crushed.
- Well, what can you do, please move them to the curb.
- And with their motorcycles that do?
During the trial in a small town lawyer asks
question the witness, an elderly lady:
- Mrs Smith, you know who I am?
- Of course I know you, Mr. Jefferson, I remember you ever since,
when you walk under the table went. I even remember, had
you change. And to be honest, you deeply disappoint me. You
constantly lying, unfaithful to his wife, manipulate people and for the eyes
call them idiots. Do you consider yourself a rising star, but
actually you just a miserable second-advokatishko. Now, I think,
see that I do know very well.
Little zonked from a speech advocate, not knowing what to do, points
defense counsel and asked:
- Mrs Smith, you are familiar with the lawyer on the other hand?
- Yes, Mr. Cassidy, I also know, I looked after him when he was
small, and he, too, I had to change diapers. And there I
very disappointed: he is a loafer, is ready to do anything, just not
work. He drinks like a pig and not able to build strong relationships
woman. Besides, his office - the most miserable in this city, and he
survive only thanks to tax evasion. I think all
clear that he, too, I know.
Everyone in the room begin to whisper among themselves, and the judge
Before calling on all to silence, calls to his lawyers and those
whisper said to them:
- If one of you will ask Mrs. Smith if she knows me, I will ensure
immediately soldered contempt of court and he was already after 5 minutes will be in jail!
- Of the five concepts listed below, select one that is not associated to
terms with four others: airplane, helicopter, spacecraft
- Of course, hemp: only it is not a machine.
- False. Correct answer - tram: it is not the only means
The restaurant serves a visitor very pretty
ofitsiantochka. After dinner, he asks you to bring the account pays and says:
- But there are three words that you would be very pleased
hear, is not it?
- And like, I guess, what is this word?
- Well, try it!
- I love you!
- No, "Keep the change."
When Soviet troops occupied Bessarabia, say, the soldiers began
pestered local women, they say, let's ... Well, they say, given.
Since then, Moldavian and their name.