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Once upon a time there were people in the world, and then there were things.
I did not know things, whom they be and what they do. They came to the Great
Master and asked him:
- Oh, Great Master, help us and tell us whom to be?
- All right, I still can not say, I'll tell you one by one. There is
you, a big, white and cold, going to a refrigerator. Go into the kitchen.
And then from under the feet of the Master slipped something small and whitish and
- And I, I?
- Wait your turn, - replied the Master, and continued: - Here you are, long
and yellow, you'll bench. Go to the courtyard.
And here again slipped something small and whitish and squeaked:
- And I, I?
- Calm down and wait his turn, - replied the Master, and dissatisfied
continued: - You, broad and white ...
But then again slipped something small and whitish and squeaked:
- Well, I, and how do I?
- And you?? And you go to hell! - Roared Master.
Thus was a condom.
- Girl, why do you smoke?
- I kill myself in a horse!
- Interesting, but the mosquitoes can be infected with AIDS?
- You that, few women?
The restaurant phone rings.
- Can I have you to order one table?
Waiter through his teeth:
- How many times you say that we are not engaged in the sale of furniture?
Lived a man with a wooden leg, and he decided to insure his leg from
fire. Apply to the insurance company, and there he is told:
- For damage from fire, we can pay you only 50 rubles.
- Yes, you Th, my foot from the sandal-wood inlaid with gold,
and you told me fifty kopecks rush !!!!!
- But you have a fire hydrant is always at hand.
- Vashek, if not ashamed, you're in fifth grade and already smoking!
- So what? President Walesa also smoked in the fifth grade.
- But you forget that President Walesa then was 21 years old!
When Little Johnny was a boy, he had every day something down in his
Diary of observing comrades. " When he grew older, he is a
- What are the staunchest supporters of the Communist Party?
- KPRFily ..
- Children, which mushrooms grow under the aspen?
- (Chorus) Red-cap boletus
- And under a pine tree?
- (Little Johnny) Podsosniki ...
Football match between Russia and Ukraine.
Announcer: "The ball is on the right side of the field, on the left, on the right, on the left.
No, it's still a tennis. "
- You do not talk in your sleep? - Asks the doctor.
- No, doctor, although I often say, when others are asleep.
- I am a lecturer.
Stirlitz climbed the stairs of the Reichstag with a red banner.
At the top he was met by Bormann and Mueller.
Egorov "- thought Bormann.
"Kantaria" - thought Mueller.
Spring 1943. Stirlitz celebrates May 9 alone.
At the far northern Chukchi lived with his wife. They are very fond of each other
and every year they had a baby, and sometimes two. And once they
realized that more children to feed, they can not. I decided to ask chukcha
a doctor to solve this problem.
Doctor (Russian) looked at the Chukchi and said:
- I know how to help you! Come to the store and buy more petard, after
Why Go home, in the tent. House Light petard and count to ten.
- What next?
- Nothing - is all that is needed.
Obeyed Chukchi bought petard, brought home, lit it and began to take
bending the fingers of his left hand ...
- One, two, three, four, five ...
Chukcha traps petard between his legs and continued to believe, bending his fingers
- Six, seven, eight ...
Children in class was taken to the cinema. When viewing all the screaming and
laughed, and one boy described. The teacher asks: "Why?
After all it was fun ... "
- Oh, what they mean in the movie!
Two boys found the rain at the art gallery. We went. Pass sedately on
exposure. They stopped dead in his tracks in front of one very well
abstract painting. One of the boys missing in fear of another's hand
- Lin otseda! And then another will say that we did!
The doorbell. Little Johnny opens the door - there is a young guy
with a bouquet of flowers. Little Johnny is looking for some time at him thoughtfully,
and then says:
- Something you often to my sister ... What, you do not have her!
My wife was born under the sign of the earth. I was born under the sign of water.
Together we create mud.
At the end of 1000 and 1 night decided to check and took a wife Scheherazade.
One day, absolutely no returns to her father with a crazy
Papa-vizier in deep trance - so much time all type-top, but here
a fiasco. At a dumb question so shamefully Shah replied: "You know, 1001
night tales - this is cool, but in 1001 pose for the night - total chaos.
- Come on, make love!
- Oh, it hurts not!
- It is painful, but necessary!
- How does a prostitute from the therapist?
- Her services are becoming cheaper with time, but it - Expensive.
- So, my friends! In Europe, rampant foot and mouth disease and mad cow disease.
We are, thank God, is not threatened. Yet we better deal
- Environmentally friendly product!
At this meeting cannibals ended.
If you find a spot on their Suit, do not despair and
not hurry to dry cleaning. Take a glass, pour into it 80 grams of alcohol,
add a little lemon juice and two drops of sal ammoniac. Then all
stir and drink in one gulp. After 10-15 minutes the stain is completely
disappear from the circle of your problems.
Youth movement "Walking on the dick" carried on Vasilevsky descent
rally on the anniversary of the inauguration of Vladimir Putin.
During the meeting the motion proposed to the President to go along with them.
After the president refused to meet with participants
the youth movement Walking Together ", it was decided to rename
new organization in the "Marching on # ys.
From the reports in the media:
"In response to demand compensation for NASA severe stress, obtained her
staff from the host Tito to the ISS, Russia, invited all
victims get free medical treatment in Russian psychiatric
A guy goes to the barber:
- I want to shave only one side. It should cost half the price.
- Come on, figs with you! Sit down. Well, which side will shave?
Exchange a great future for this medium size.
The telephone man to the station by taxi and is indignant:
- I ordered a taxi in time to catch a plane! You promised
but the car did not come!
- I'm sorry, but we could not find a free car. We quickly corrected
our mistake. You do not take it so close to the heart, according to current
times the aircraft is unlikely to fly right on schedule!
- This morning, the plane probably not fly on schedule --
I'm a pilot!
Accusatory statements from the prosecutor in the case of Clinton:
- Meeting with Monica Lewinsky in the corridors of the White House, Bill Clinton
not guess that where there is one mouth will always be two ears ...
Learn, learn, and study again and again to study and study again
and study again and ....
/ computer virus LENIN.exe /
There are two friends. One hand painted in different colors.
- What is it? - Asks one.
- Yes sclerosis tortured, that his left hand painted in purple, with letter
"L" and the right - in the coffee.
- Listen, what do you remember such complex words with her multiple sclerosis?
- Yes, very simply, my mother-in-law Lily Prokofyevna, and the horror I
at the subconscious level!
In Quaternary shtypma napkoppitona was zvepski ybit ppapopschik Petpenko.
Chepez recognized three day state ppapopschika nopmalizovalos.
Interfax reports: In the taiga found people who performed a presidential decree.
Following the new movement "Walking Together" will appear soon:
"Those in the wall"
I found a bottle of man in his yard. Uncorked, and there's gin. That it:
- Now make a wish. I do it after your neighbor, the new Russian,
only one left.
- In! Do it so that I have right now everything has become, as he!
- No problem! Chvak! ...
- Oh, what is to me the police knocks and the smoke smell?!
- So does your neighbor's house burned down during the night and morning of his cops tied ...
In Slovenia, after the official talks held an informal meeting
Putin and Bush. As a result, dating from the Russian technique of
talks, Bush on the way back:
- In Germany, conducted a German orchestra.
- In France, could not get out of the aircraft due to fatigue.
- In England just did not go because he did not know that a country
- He gave his secretary to order as soon as possible to prepare
following a meeting with Russia's president.
(C) Robinson of Odessa
But some women in blue are like ..... Disgusting.
- You saw that yesterday? I could tear you from the floor!
- Is the glue?
My wife says to her husband:
- When you come home - wipe his feet.
- I can not come ...
- Why did you rush to work?
- I have to cook dinner.
- A woman at work?
- No, at home.
- No. Hungry.
Surgeon decided to test a recruit, whether all in his way to the psyche.
- Tell me, Private Smith, what are you fond of in the civilian world?
- Oh, nothing special is not keen on ...
- Hmm ... Even the girls did not go?
- And you have not encountered such a desire?
- Something like this occurred ...
- Then what's the matter?
- My wife will not let me, sir!
- Who is the oldest person in your village?
- None. The oldest died recently.
The son asks his father:
- Dad, how better to be a Jew, Russian, Ukrainian or American?
Artist, philosopher and businessman discussing the problem of form and content.
The artist said that the main thing - is form, it determines the content.
The philosopher argues that the form and content are inextricably linked
(dialectic!). The men, objected businessman, you're wrong. If there
form, then we have to take on the content!
Moscow. Tram. Moskvich's foot got what you type.
Moskvich drawn to the type:
- Excuse me, you do not accidentally from the FSB?
- No ...
- And you do not accidentally from St. Petersburg? ..
- No ...
- And what is shit, you creep, I got up on the leg ?!!!!
Hospital ambulance. The doctor enters the chamber and begins to inspect
patients - all head injury. The doctor asked the first victim:
- What are you so?
- A rolling pin ...
- And you? - Asks the second.
- Also a rolling pin ...
- And you? - Asks a third.
- And me, a rolling pin ...
- What is it - the epidemic is such that it?
- No, doctor ... You won that guy in a coma you see? Well, here - he
running away from his wife and tried to get lost in the crowd ...
Ppodaetsya garden ychastok at Lyne - a quiet place, Close to the picturesque
CRATER, kaptoshky no vopyet, ydobny approaching half an hour from the station
We ppogpammista sppashivayut:
- Do not you remember how bydet two in chetveptoy?
- (Without hesitation) Sixteen.
- A sixteen chetveptoy?
- (Without hesitation) Sixty-five thousand five hundred tpidtsat six.
- Here's a head, ny you give! Hy, and tris in chetveptoy?
- (After payzy) Do not remember exactly. Dpobnoe number polychaetsya.
A guy goes to a neighbor's mistress, whose husband had left on business trips,
but before you knock on the door to strip naked.
Opens husband ...
- What are you doing, neighbor?
- You will not find the nail of that size?