Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes

New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
- Conductor just because you looked at, if noticed that you
false note taking!
- Nonsense! I looked at him as if I played correctly!
Joke #3805 —  
 
0
 
- Doctor, I ... as it ... Sidorov. I ... is ... sclerosis!
- And ... Petrov! Well, with your ... as you said ... diarrhea? - It ...
as it ... an eye specialist!
Joke #3804 —  
 
0
 
There are two friends:
- What is it that so happy?
- Yes, the husband broke his penis!
- So why should enjoy something?!
- So it also left a plaster on it! You can not imagine what I
tonight was the kicks!
Joke #3803 —  
 
0
 
Among racketeers now gaining popularity a new game, "Oh
miserable! "
where is your duty to them with every wrong answer to a simple question
"Where's the money?" increases! God forbid you get to a million ...
Joke #3802 —  
 
0
 
Utkin: It was about football, and now about the championship of Russia.
Joke #3801 —  
 
0
 
New Russian comes to the dentist.
Doctor:
- Apparently, you have to remove the tooth under local anesthesia.
New Russian:
- Yes, I, perhaps, import pull.

Dentist Kokorev FV
Joke #3800 —  
 
0
 
Snow-covered tundra, stands a yurt, a tent sits Chukchi.
The tundra, traveling skier, comes in a yurt, the Chukchi and fucks going on.
From the tent goes Chukchi and shouts after him:
- Cheloveeek! Why sets??
Joke #3799 —  
 
0
 
You know, she conceived of the compass mirror?
To what would you always could see the man who got lost!
Joke #3798 —  
 
0
 
On the wall in a crazy hospital drew a motorcycle and all psychos jumping on
He wanted to jump. And one crazy sat silently at skomeyke. And he
asked:
- Why are not you jump on a motorcycle? See how your friends are jumping.
- Let them jump, keys, some of the motorcycle is still with me.
Joke #3797 —  
 
0
 
Sits Alexander Lukashenko and trains diction:
- Honestly ... Honestly ... Honestly ...
Comes in. Yermoshin:
- Alexander Grigorievich how good you are at!
- Chesna?
Joke #3796 —  
 
0
 
... Then questioned long and hard fought face to boot
Investigator ...
S i N
Joke #3795 —  
 
0
 
A cop, looking at the ABC:
- So where's the letter of the law?
Joke #3794 —  
 
0
 
- What is the ideal weight for mother in law?
- 2 kg, together with the urn.
Joke #3793 —  
 
0
 
In Vietnam, one American soldier said to another:
- If anyone of us is killed, I will give this your wife.
Joke #3792 —  
 
0
 
Kindergarten teacher asks:
- Guys, What are some very evil beast.
Children:
- Wolf ... Tiger ... lion ... leopard ...
Little Johnny:
- Krokolev.
- Little Johnny, is there such a beast? - Asked the teacher, - as
he look like?
- This is such a beast - Little Johnny answers, - who on the one hand
lion's head, and on the other - the head of a crocodile.
- This can not be, - said the teacher - if he will
on each side of the head, he can not poo.
- That is why he is such and evil.
Joke #3791 —  
 
0
 
Question:
- How to catch a crocodile with an empty matchbox,
binoculars and tweezers?
Answer:
- We need to look at the crocodile through the wrong end of binoculars, he
will become a small-small. Then it is necessary to take tweezers
and placed in a matchbox.
Joke #3790 —  
 
0
 
- What should be done so that morning othodnyaka nebylo? And then tomorrow Affairs
the neck ...
- Drink more, so othodnyak was evening.
(From the folklore MIPT)
Joke #3789 —  
 
0
 
... BLEvotum The State Duma has expressed distrust of the government ...
Joke #3787 —  
 
0
 
Representatives of different nations gathered at a table in a restaurant. All
ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine is brought, it turned out
that in every glass of a fly.
The Swede demanded new wine in the same glass.
Englishman - new wine in new glass.
Finn took a fly and drank wine.
Russian drank the wine with the fly.
The Chinese ate the fly, but the wine left.
Jew fly fished and sold it to Chinese.
Gypsy drank two-thirds of a glass and asked him to replace.
Norwegian took the fly and went to catch cod.
Irishman milled fly in a glass of wine and sent to the Englishman.
American filed a lawsuit against the restaurant and demanded 65
millions of dollars in compensation for moral damage.
Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted - "Now to hell
vyplyunesh all that is drunk! "
"Macho" (turning the right itself) shouted that it was the machinations of the Social-Democrats
waiter threw a knife, did not drink the wine of course, because it is a female drink
and loudly inquired, why not have a long ordered vodka.
Joke #3786 —  
 
0
 
Family sitting at the table. Little boy turns to his grandfather:
- You old fuck, pass me the salt.
- Why are you so rude? - Rages grandfather.
- Good, old fuck, tell me, please pass the salt!
Joke #3785 —  
 
0
 
- Dad, and at which the plants grow a beer?
- Beer is not growing, son, it is extracted!
Joke #3784 —  
 
0
 
Guard - zek:
- On the way out - his wife came to you.
- Oh, tell me that I was not at home!
Joke #3783 —  
 
0
 
At immodest proposal about a guy sex girl blushed:
- I'm not a street girl! Come into the entrance ...
Joke #3782 —  
 
0
 
For men age comes when a naked woman causes
He did not tremble, and chills.
Joke #3781 —  
 
0
 
The police. Sergeant:
- Have you applied to the detainee third degree?
Police:
- Yes, sir. We pi% Dili him during each asked question.
Sergeant:
- Well, as confessed everything?
- Hmmm, not quite. All he said was: "Yes, dear" - and
bran.
Joke #3780 —  
 
0
 
Husband and wife lie in bed. She:
- I have a headache so, I'm so tired ...
- Look, what do you want, but I'll fuck ...
Joke #3779 —  
 
0
 
There was no Cinderella ball gowns, but the fairy godmother gave her a crystal
shoes and helped get the ball. There Zolushka enchanted prince,
dancing
with him, but at midnight, running, lost a slipper ...
And she had to remove the second shoe and go home completely
naked!
Joke #3778 —  
 
0
 
U.S. President Bush said once that in Russia the IMF loan stolen
Chernomyrdin and others. Chernomyrdin immediately filed a lawsuit against Bush for
vile slander.
Others too.
Joke #3777 —  
 
0
 
Here are 4 questions that use recruitment agencies for world-class
order to assess the mental abilities of the candidates:

Question 1: How to bury a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, putting it in there a giraffe, close
refrigerator.

-> This question helps determine whether you have a tendency to seek out
overly complex solutions to simple problems.

Question 2: How to shove an elephant into a refrigerator?

Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, putting it in place of the elephant, close
refrigerator.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, pull out the giraffe, putting
there elephant, close the refrigerator.

-> This question can determine whether you are capable of making decisions
consider the consequences of your previous actions.

Question 3: Leo summoned all the animals at the meeting. There appeared all but one.
What is this animal?

Correct answer: It's an elephant. He's in the refrigerator, remember?

-> This question tests your memory.

OK. Even if you failed to correctly answer the previous three
matter, you still remained a chance to show what you can do.

Question 4: You need to cross the broad river, which is infested with crocodiles.
How do you do?

Correct answer: swimming. Because crocodiles, all at a meeting of a lion.

-> This question can determine whether you are able to learn from
mistakes.

Ask these questions to your friends, even if they break a head 8)

George W.
Joke #3776 —  
 
0
 
- My dear, next year will celebrate twenty-five years of our marriage.
Do you want to celebrate a silver wedding?
- Maybe - said the husband - better to wait another five years and celebrate
Thirty Years War?
Joke #3775 —  
 
0
 
Little hilenky intellectual comes into the elevator and runs up there on
great tall man 2x2. Intellectual dumbfoundedly begins to look at
neighbor. That it:
- Growth - two meters 10 centimeters, weight - 130 pounds, left the egg --
2 kg, the right egg 3 kg, a member of - 25 centimeters in length and 10 centimeters

thick ... Razin Vasya.
Deprived of the intellectual senses. Tall Man leads him to consciousness and
puzzled looks at him. Muzhichok:
- Could you repeat what you said before?
- Well, you looked at me, and I decided to reply immediately to questions
I get asked most often: height - 210, Wt - 130, left egg - 2,
right egg - 3 kg, a member of my length of 25 cm and a thickness of 10 cm .. A
my name is Vasya Razin ...
- Glory to God, and I thought "Undress ...
Joke #3774 —  
 
0
 
If, in the morning looking in the mirror, you see a swollen, unshaven face with
dimmed eyes, then the day before yesterday, you still decided to drink 50 grams
for the appetite.
Joke #3544 —  
 
0
 
Armenian Radio asked:
- What is the difference between "more" and "faster"?
- Basic. Rather - is "Let's hurry, Santa Barbara begins"
and faster - a "hell with it, a Santa Barbara, come on faster, more
faster ... "
Joke #3543 —  
 
0
 
At the parking lot drove foreign-made car, she climbed out of the girl and went on their
cases. After some time back, sits down in the car, tries to
Create your own ... fails. She comes to standing next to the Volga and
asks the driver:
- You could not see that with my car?
The driver of the Volga:
- ..... Yes you petrol over.
Girl
- And how far it before refueling?
Driver:
- Two kilometers.
Girl:
- How much should gasoline to get to the filling?
Driver:
- One liter enough.
Girl:
- Could you lend me one liter of gasoline?
Driver:
- Certainly, of course ...
He gets out of the trunk hose, shoves into his fuel tank and showing
on the other end of the hose, said the girl:
- We ought to suck.
Girl:
- How, for 1 liter of gasoline?
Joke #3542 —  
 
0
 
A guy looks like a guy jumping from the tower and reaching the ground, not
splits, and jumps up. Ohrenevshy guy asked this
dude, what is the secret, and he says to him:
- You must be absolutely sure that you have a ball.
More ohrenevshy man climbs onto the tower, jump down and think
himself: "I have a ball, I ball, I ball, but if I were a tomato?" ... ... ....
Peck !!!!!!
Joke #3541 —  
 
0
 
Every day, I cook food for him, fondled him, combing. Cured him
when he was sick, cleaning up after him. Every day we were walking in the park, sporting
as children. And one day some bitch to seduce him and he
ran with it. Now this emptiness inside, though friends lead me
others, but I only love my Giant Schnauzer Gray.
Joke #3540 —  
 
0
 
Culprit of an accident on the court tells how it was:
- We go to a hundred and forty, suddenly, this old street passes. I boys
shouting: Brakes!
- And you?
- I stormozil ...
Joke #3539 —  
 
0
 
Her ear came the bear. Do not regret it and the other facial features.
Joke #3538 —  
 
0
 
At the international contest in French, German and Russian were asked what
part of the female body more attractive to men.
Frenchman:
- Face. Only he can fall in love at first sight.
German:
- Lush bust. This is the most exciting part of the female body.
Russian:
- The main thing in a woman - long legs. To quickly run to the store to the peasant
the bottle.
Joke #3537 —  
 
0
 
Collector of old books asked his friend whether he had
books of this kind.
- No longer - is responsible friend - a week ago, I threw the Bible,
which lay in my hell knows how many, I think it was
edition ...
Gut ... his ... Guten ...
- Gutenberg? You threw the Gutenberg Bible? But this is a first
of printed books! She is priceless! Now for a copy of this
publications provide 4 million dollars!
- Well, for me, I think anyone would not give a brass farthing, because
some asshole scribbled in it all the fields. I think his name was Martin
Luther.
Joke #3536 —  
 
0
 
ANNOUNCEMENT: Lost suitcase with the money. Return the least money.
Joke #3535 —  
 
0
 
Decided to build tsap Zverev lesy bar. Said that everyone who bydet
stpoit pepvyyu week - free beer. All stpoili, hare x% and kicked.
Ha One family day after postpoyki ppohodit bear to drink beer, emy
issue a beer, but it sobipaetsya drink - a hare flies, grabs a beer,
ybegaet ...
Ha sledyyuschy day bear stapaetsya be popastopopney, but nearly the same
hare kommynizdit Xreiazontai.
Kopoche, finally got the hare, and sledyyuschy day bear said
emy pour acid, runs a hare, missing kisloty, ybegaet.
Bear with a calm dyshoy sledyyuschy day orders for beer runs
hare, grabs a beer, ybegaet. Chepez five minute digits returns - shvypyaet
kpyzhky in ygol with kpikom:
- Is this beer? Here vchepa was beer! Ha hedgehog pee - all needles
fallen!
Joke #3534 —  
 
0
 
"Intelligent learning from the mistakes of others ..."
Microsoft Products - live and learn!
Joke #3533 —  
 
0
 
The lady at the zoo admires ostriches.
- Tell me, please - she asked her servant - they are ever
shed feathers?
- Usually no, madame, but may drop when they see ten dollars.
Joke #3532 —  
 
0
 
Myzh reading for zavtpakom gazety. His wife tries to call him pazgovop:
- Vchepa I was vpacha y ...
- Ppavda? And as he himself chyvstvyet?
Joke #3531 —  
 
0
 
- Dad! And why did you marry my mother?
The husband turns to his wife and says:
- You see, even a child wonders!
Joke #3530 —  
 
0
 
Dpessipovschik drank tigpy zakysili.
Joke #3529 —  
 
0
 
Prehistoric era.
The father looks at his son's report card and said:
- Of course, I can understand that you have poor grades in geography,
mathematics, language, but that's history, which total about 2 pages ...
Joke #3528 —  
 
0
 
Journal "Lilith" has published a test - a survey for its readers:
"Do you agree with the assertion that all men bastards?"
Possible answers:
1) Yes
2) fully agrees
3) Absolutely agree
Counting answers continues.
Joke #3527 —  
 
0
 
Granddaughter and grandmother stayed home. Grandma, trying unsuccessfully to pass a
thread a needle, said:
- But when I was young, I had it simply worked.
Granddaughter:
- Wow! You turned out to thread a needle edge?
Joke #3526 —  
 
0
 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311