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Addict floods on a visit to a pal, and in fact a trained dog,
encounters, gives paw. Narco took the dog by its paw, it was turning the long,
and then spoke:
- Well, joke! And how do you koleshsya?
(C) Robinson of Odessa
Rushes into the house excited Sarah and joyfully shouted:
- Abraham! Did you hear the news! The neighboring chickens have started to lay eggs
Abram beamed, but then suddenly darkened. Sarah bewilderment:
- What is it, Abrasha?
- Well, then, who tore yesterday recital of our Easy!
Council beginners sobakovladelItsam:
Start a Rottweiler, give him the nickname "blow job" Call it out loud
on the street - come running when tempted, introduce them to your dog.
There comes a man in a bookstore.
- Rlaubou there?
- And something more abruptly?
- Yes. Allowance for the breeding of rabbits.
One man received in the mail a declaration of income from tax.
He sent it back with a little cover letter:
"I'm not going to join your stupid company. Your profile
What men want to hear from their women:
Darling, you sure have drank enough?
Oh, how wonderful you fart, do it again for me!
I decided today to walk home naked.
I briefly outside the house whitewash.
Do not you must now sit with friends in the boozer?
I know that there behind me a little narrow, but try again.
I was so excited when you're drunk ...
Of course, my dear, next year we will also be anniversary
wedding. Calmly go with friends on the football.
Listen, I make bad. Why do you work? Better to teach
My dear, my neighbor put his sexual mini-skirt. You must
look at it!
No and again no! I'll take the car only to change the oil.
Dear, what do you say this: we'll get a good porn, take
box of beer, and I'll call his girlfriend on the Group sex?
I signed up for yoga, to try out with you all the poses.
Man comes into the shop.
- Give me sugar pieces.
The clerk gives him a kilogram of sugar. A man is indignant:
- I asked the same pieces!
- And what's this?
- What does it all the pieces?
Graf is a servant:
- Charming Man, come see me tomorrow mother-in-law. Here is a list of her favorite dishes ...
- I understand, sir.
- ... And if you cook at least one of them - immediately get
Grandson enters the room and sees - his grandfather as crazy swinging
on a rocking chair. The grandson is surprised:
- Grandpa, you're the chair so you fall! What's the matter?
- You see, my doctor prescribed a move more ...
- The Rebbe, a few years ago my husband disappeared. Do you think
he come back?
- Such a difficult question, I must find out from the chief rabbi.
- Rabbi, what said the chief rabbi?
- He said that he sees that your husband will return. I'm telling you
I see that he did not return.
- Because the Chief Rabbi have not seen you!
- They say Nicholas married?
- Yes ...
- How's your wife?
- Guys praised ...
One man on a rural road and landed in a ditch. Sam got out and went
seek help to pull the car. In one yard, he met a farmer
and the farmer said that the car pull a horse. Consolidated cable, and the farmer
- Pull, Burka, pull!
The horse did not step, is not moving.
- Pull, Bucephalus, pull!
Again, no loschadinoy reaction.
- Pull, asterisk, pull!
Konyaga stands, ears spinning.
- Pull, Sivka, pull!
And Sivka easily pulled the car from a ditch. The man asked the farmer:
- Why did you three times your horse called other names, while
did not give his name?
- You know, Sivka blind, and if he will know that he alone must
drag, would not budge!
There are two hacker. Well there dick-mine, for life and all that ...
One somehow casually asked:
- And you who the provider? ...
- FSB ...
- HOW FSB!? : [o]
- Yes, they like us in the office ponastavili bugs, so I'm through them ...
One homeless person - other (with an intelligent air, pouring another glass of samogon):
- Vasya, heard shveyhtsarskaya prosecutors inkerminiruet Pal Palych more
and organizing a criminal!
- What kind of community?
- Yes, probably Russia and Belarus.
There are Bush and Putin.
- In America, an unprecedented achievement. For example, we have a professor,
which can revive long-dead people.
- We also have a very big achievement.
- Well, in sports, for example. We have an athlete who can run
at a speed of 100 km / hour.
- Really? It's amazing how much progress in our countries. Let
will share their accomplishments. We will send you our professors,
it is significant to you someone will revive, for example, Lenin. And you us
send your athlete, we will arrange it on a U.S. tour.
Returned Putin at the Kremlin gloomy causes Kasyanov, explains
- Well, and where we take a runner? Shame!
- Yes, okay. If this professor Lenin revive, we have so
people with a speed of 100 km / hour run ...
One woman loved to feed the pigeons in the park.
Every morning she came there with a loaf of bread still warm and
fed them the whole loaf, scattering crumbs around. So
lasted a long time. It is noticed very conscious citizen,
and once, when he saw this woman, he said to her:
- You, lady, feed here these hideous birds, throw them
crumbs of your loaf. And in Africa, meanwhile people are starving!
And the woman, looking up at his gentle eyes, replied:
- Well, to Africa, then I do not loaf dokinut!
Wife indignantly said to her husband:
- Again, drunk! Yesterday, I was just happy to see you sober!
- And now my turn to be happy.
Wife of Mark Twain could not stand his dirty habit of swearing.
One morning, cut himself a writer, breyas, and made all
he thinks about the razor, shaving process, the manufacturer of razors ...
When he was exhausted, the wife repeated everything he said word for word.
- Honey, - pronounced m-p Clemens, wiping blood from her cheek. --
Etymology you have excellent, but here's intonation is worthless.
Excerpt from the statute of carnival in Rio de Janeiro in 1999:
"First, drink as Russian president, and then have fun
as an American. "
Border Scarlet dog ran away with the gates in the dining room nearest village
and stated that they intend to perform alternative service.
The prosecutor appealed to the accused:
- For the man in your position you seem confident enough
- Mr. Prosecutor, if I am not under oath,
I'm sure you would have answered the same compliment!
The new advertising slogan AvtoZAZ:
Tavria - machine for women. If you are not under anyone to lie ...
Special offer in restaurant chains McDonald's:
With each new triple Big Mac you get for free
bag for vomit!
- Little Johnny, it's true that you are friends with Masha only because
she had a lot of money?
- This is a lie! I'm friends with her because I do not have a penny.
Talk notary and a married couple who is going to buy
house outside the city.
- The house that you showed us yesterday, very nice. Ho horrible concrete
building opposite the spoils the whole look.
- Hichego terrible. This plant dynamite. Sooner or later
he still will fly in the vozuh.
- The last time I warn you: Do not wake the beast in me!
- Oh-oh, I'm not afraid of your hamster!
- Well, as a rest in the Alps? How like skiing in Austria?
- Place just beautiful! Beauty indescribable! Skiing learned
pretty good ride.
- So, all was well?
- You know, there were problems with nutrition. I lived in the mountains one
peasant in the house. The first day that a bored three chicken --
master them and we scored two days of eating only roast chicken. Then
like pribolel calf, he too was stabbed. Almost a week we ate only
veal. Then my grandmother took to her master, then I quickly slip away from me!
There was one grandmother Siberian cat Vasya. Cote fluffy, beautiful, and intelligent,
of search cost. Grandma it adored, she did not finish, and Vasya
with pension and milk, and sour cream, and various meat and fish delicacies
would buy. Vasya for such care, too, did not remain in debt --
when grandmother something sick, she immediately jumped to the spot and paws
she kneads sore spot, my grandmother was talking to him, he should be where your
* meow * required insert, went so far that even Grandma slippers
learned to bring a cat when it comes to the streets. That's a lived
Grandma with a cat soul to soul, but one grandmother in Vasya not suit: cat
annually in the month of March disappeared from their homes by their feline cases, and when
returned - dirty, blohasty, skinned cat in fights --
Vasya grandmother had in due form lead. Did not like this grandmother.
Oh, and she scolded cat and begged, but to all itching to do it. Tired it
Grandma and her cat neutered. Offended Vasya. Now lies all day
in his corner, with his grandmother or * Moore - Moore *, on delicacies grandmother attention not
draws. Spring came. Vasya is like a dead man, even has stopped.
Grandmother in the voice of crying he is not happy that the cat neutered, but that the
done is done ... Passed Spring ... and first of June, Vasya disappeared. Babka
all households avoided, all the kids and neighbors porasprashivala, in newspaper
ad gave ... No cat. Last summer, last fall, winter came.
Grandma already forgotten about the cat was, but here the night before the New Year knocking at
door. Views grandmother, standing at her porch the most feature-rich Mers, from the
Vasya goes. My grandmother looked at him and gasped. Do not coat it Pestsov,
mustache adorned with pearls, all diamonds in the legs and neck,
a thick gold chain with a hefty purse * Green * hangs. Grandma on
cat glyadyuchi, as many as stupefied
- Vasya, but where are you so beautiful, so important?
Vasya looked at his grandmother condescending, and suddenly her and said
- Wait, grandmother, and now we're not so alive!
- Where were you, was lost, Vasenka, and where all this?
- I am now, my grandmother, in America a chief consultant at theirs cats on
- How, Vasenka you Well do not you have ...
- For this, Grandma, do not have, and be able to be, theirs cats are fuckers ... i
spring, Grandma, I'll go again, we're with you, Grandma, alive! ..
Question of the Jew:
- Why do you have such a small country?
- And why do we need most, because there we so rarely!
- Oh, what a musical palette! Only glissando on the crust
- Of all that said - only half-liter I know!
Bizon & Sergiy
Granny lived with three merry goose: one gray and one white,
The famous American hypnotist speaking before 2-thousand audience.
He looks into the hall and said:
All are crying.
Everyone laughs. Suddenly, he accidentally stumbles and says:
... Hall had to wash for two weeks.
Gaston, late for work in a beauty salon, proudly declares:
- I came late because his wife drove to the gynecologist, I think
All of his course, congratulations. After dinner, the wife of Gaston calls the
beauty salon, but her husband is busy at this time of repair. Then she said
employee who took the receiver:
- Tell, please, Gaston, I'm not pregnant. It only
pneumophagia (for those who do not know - swallowing air).
Evening Gaston came home from work angry and yelling:
- What the fuck are you he said this? Today everyone's doing that
pinned me: "Gaston, come here, we need your thing,
to pump out the wheel! "
Views programmer television.
They're coming titles. Programmer says:
- Damn, how these films are loaded for a long time!
Brazilians drowned largest platform, our ogromadnoy station
"World" onto the ground, and only zhmotistye Americans instead of the Golden Gate Bridge "
or "Empire State Building" will unleash the biggest Dow Jones.
Goes man in the bus and displeasure mutters:
- Cheated, you bastards! That's the same scum as a kid cheated!
The neighbors could not stand it and asked:
- Where cheated something?
- Yes, the sex shop. I bought a rubber woman, but she is not puffed up!
- Petka and Anka got to where?
- Yes, it was the second day in bed with appendicitis lies.
VI (second thought)
- Okay, shoot appendicitis, and Anya me to headquarters.
Petka said Vasily Ivanovich:
- Vasily Ivanovich, what a disgrace, Ankin laying around the forest
Vasily Ivanovich, thought for a moment:
- All normal Petka, it is our biological weapons.
Met three Frenchmen. Table, drink: Burgun, champagne, cognac.
They drank, mugs beat each other and went, happy.
Met three Englishmen. Table, drink: gin, whiskey, tonic.
They drank, pomutuzili each other, and parted, satisfied.
Met three Russian. Table, drink: vodka, beer, port.
Pogudeli, delayed, otmetelili each other. All were satisfied.
Met three Arabs. They shot the bus with the Jews blew
department store, hijacked the plane.
Blin, that's prohibition people bring!
(C) Robinson of Odessa
Cod liver causes liver crack.
What is important for the student?
1. Good food.
2. Good sleep.
3. Good sleep alone.
Grandfather watches from the balcony of his grandson playing in the yard and sighs about
- Wonder what a kid! If I could be sure that he is my grandson!
His son, the boy's father, hear these words:
- Dad, what does this mean? Do something you know about my wife?
- No, Vanya, not about your ...
Wife to her husband:
- My dear, look out the window, what a fool in our garden?
- First, it is not a crank, a cow, and secondly - it is not a window,
- What is the difference between women and old wallpaper?
- Old wallpaper is not necessarily say that you love them,
before they were flogged.
- What is the difference between women and mosquitoes?
- Mosquitoes plagued only in summer.
- Why 90% of accidents occur drunken drivers?
- Because in this state they are put behind the wheel of their wives.
Wife to her husband:
- I have for you two news: good and bad.
- Well, what then?
- I go away from you ...
- Well, well ... And the bad?
- Yesterday met classmates. They are like roses! ..
- What flourished?
- No, blossom ...
(c) KVN MMA
- Comrade Sergeant, but who are the mammoths?
- This ... elephants-youth of premilitary age.
When a lot of money, such as better tolerated, it is not in their happiness ...