Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
Two alcoholics suited to the booth
- Two cups lodging, pzhlsta!
- We have only one-off ...
- Well, you fucking see - completely forgotten how to drink young!
Students read the brakes before the exam on programming language
C + + "a large and thick book of the founder of language Stroustrup.
Those poshustree, limited textbook C + + in 21 Days.
And one student, well, very mischievous, after an excellent pass the exam itself
decided to write a textbook.
Textbook will be called "C + + for one night."
(C) Robinson OdEcsky
A guy comes to the doctor:
- Doctor, when I am a member of the stands, I lose consciousness.
The doctor asked the young nurse, the man took off his pants. Member soared
and severely banged his master's forehead. The man fainted.
After he was brought to consciousness, the doctor asks:
- And you did not try to avoid?
- Tried, until last year, broke his collarbone.
A few years after the Soviet collapse came two "old" in the Georgian
Moscow. Well, the day settled all the cases, and then a week in the most kutili
the best bars and restaurants, with the most oh% itelnymi wenches ... Well, in short
spent time as it should.
Returning back to Georgia, looking down from the plane at the vanishing
distance to Moscow, one of them says with annoyance to the second:
- Oh, Nugzar, what we colony lost ...
In the Brezhnev era, when all state institutions cleaned
of "fifth column", suddenly discovered that the Ministry of Foreign Trade
survived yet another Jew. Works fine, not sap, but the team
than ... And here he is summoned to the police:
"So, Abram, responsible task - going to France to sell
perfume! Contract - premium, no - to dismiss
Abram sighed. Left. Two days later - a telegram from Paris
"There is a contract! Send our spirits in any quantity!"
Returned. Discharged Prize, began to think - as it still West?
Dali catch his breath again cause:
"Abram, you'll go to Morocco to sell our Soviet oranges! Conditions
the same ... "
Again, Abram left, and two weeks later a telegram from the Moroccan
"Morocco is buying oranges USSR any quantity, start of delivery --
Another prize instead of the result. The Minister of the hole in the turnips combing --
What to do? Finally - an idea! Causes bedolagu personally.
"Listen, Abram, the most important matter - you will go to China to sell
sneakers! Right - The Head of office and no contagion from the Lubyanka
not stick. Word Central Committee member!
He was serving his Abram in China. One week - no news, a month, two, three ... Minister
come to life - if that, for absenteeism lay off! Suddenly, at the end of the fourth month --
A telegram from Beijing: "China is willing to purchase any Soviet sneakers
send products - Abram. "
Returned Abram - almost met with the orchestra, the prize, the work
everything else ... And in the end banquet Minister asks:
"Abram Ilyich explain all the same - why did you last so
travel? A little more - and fired to the article ... "
Embarrassed Abram: "And think, it was easy in China, the second Jew to find?"
Orders of the senses:
07:00 - 07:05 - Laziness.
07:05 - 07:10 - reluctantly.
07:10 - 07:11 - sense of duty (not forget).
07:11 - 07:50 - Full breakdown.
07:50 - 08:30 - Hatred of the neighbor, anger, rage, and cold.
08:30 - 11:45 - Indifference, boredom, frustration.
11:45 - 12:00 - Hunger.
12:00 - 12:30 - The severity throughout the body, calm, udvoletvorennost.
12:30 - 16:15 - Indifference, numbness, sadness, causeless alarm.
16:15 - 16:30 - Hunger.
16:30 - 16:40 - The severity throughout the body, calm, udvoletvorennost.
16:40 - 19:59 - Laziness.
19:59 - 20:00 - An incredible effort of will.
20:00 - 22:30 - The ease in the body, interest in life, thrill.
22:30 - 23:00 - Love.
23:00 - 00:00 - The need for procreation.
00:00 - 00:01 - Happiness.
00:01 - 00:05 - remorse, repentance, shame.
00:05 - 07:00 - nausea, heartburn, headache.
07:00 - 07:05 - Laziness.
They come two Armenians in the winter in a taxi in Moscow. They're coming, kemaryat itself.
- Yes, good to the sun in such vile weather.
The taxi driver, several ohuevshe:
- Well, yes, the sun - may soon be released because of the heavens.
- The sun!
The taxi driver, had already left the following:
- Well, the sun, the sun, so what? Well, crap weather in Moscow, but so what?
Same Armenians in Armenian - a friend:
- That stupid taxi driver caught! For the third time I say that the heater
the car turned off, do not understand!
All day protorchal boy of ten at the sea, only one fish
caught - so yourself. It has been a drunken sailor, gave a couple of times in the neck, took the
catch. Insulted the boy, sobbing, went fishing and caught the gold
- Enough to roar - grit fish. - Guess your three wishes, but then I
water is scarce.
- So, finally went to bite - said 10-notches, without hesitation. --
Then I want to be very strong, so he could beat the two, not three,
I do not want to be the strongest in the world and that even the army I
And thirdly - baaalshuschuyu toy.
- You just do not cry, do it at once, - said the good fish and swam away.
Threw the boy a fishing rod, pulled and immediately pulled out a nuclear submarine.
Odessa. A man goes to get a job. Spoke
with the head - everything seems OK. Then the chief asked:
- And who are you nationality?
- Oh, no. We have to take the job can not.
Jew is outraged:
- On what grounds? Yes this is anti-Semitism.
- Well, what we have to take, because you're still going to go away from the country.
- Yes, I'm not going to leave!
- Especially not take. Such fools we ourselves lack.
- What can we wish parachutist, whose parachute failed to open?
- Let the earth you will rest in peace!
Cowboy gallops across the prairie. I'm tired, hungry, thirsty. Here camp
Indians. The Indians saw him, saw that he was hungry, and they put him
the fire, fed to satiety. After eating all sit silent. Cowboy
cigarette, lit it, and having nothing to do with smoke began dabbling: a thin
jet it blank, the ringlet, the clubs. The Indians looked-looked
smoke, then one of them broke down and said:
- White man! We fed you, drink, give you rest!
So why are you cursing us with these words?
- Dad, and the word "surgeon" through "e" or through "and" written?
- Well, if good, then through "and".
Man comes to the debtor:
- You can not give me back my $ 50, which took from me in the past
The debtor gets a notebook:
- Look here, brother. One I have 1000 dollars, another 900, the third
800 ... You're on my list, only the 17 th. Either the patient or give me
little more in debt and I move the your next turn.
In the State Duma held a charity dinner.
Scraps from the tables were sent to 24 children's homes.
- I have been sentenced to 500 rubles a fine for contempt
public servant. Would you like to say something on this
- Generally it would! But with these prices ...
Deep breathing kills germs.
But how to get them to breathe deeply?
The lesson of mathematics in school. Teacher asks:
- How much you should pay the amount, if you have to butcher 155
baker - 100 pounds, at the grocery store - 124 pounds, and in
clerical bench - 20 pounds? Hu-ka, answer me, Johnny!
- I do not know, we are in such cases, moving to another area.
Het is nothing faster than thought. Het anything slower Duma.
Wife is calling the new Russian friend GIBDDeshniku:
- My goat decided himself to steer his Meursault, so do it quickly
law, and take a photograph of the press.
The same day the doorbell. Included GIBDDeshnik, extends the right
- All done, as expected, there were only minor problems
with photo. In the magazine "In the world of animals" had to go
Tiny was very sorry Carlson.
But the pope was very necessary outboard motor ...
A couple sitting in a movie theater and watching a melodrama. The girl asks:
- How do you think they would get married at the end?
- It is possible! Such films often end in tragedy!
After meeting with his employees, the company owner said:
- Congratulations! You have a successor!
- Alas! With my salary I can not be heirs - I
be only children.
Hotel. The honorable gentleman says the waiter:
- My dear, I think I forgot an umbrella in his room. Run over-ka
Room 914: Look there in the corner behind the fireplace.
Elevator does not work and the bellboy is sent to the 9-th floor walk.
After 10 minutes he returned, panting, sweating, and says:
- Sir, you were right. Umbrella stands where you have said. Shall
- Can I make a wish, if you are sitting between two programmers?
- Yes! Only works bad will.
Husband comes home. He knocks on the door and the door opens ambal twice
more of it. The man is outraged and asked what he was doing there.
And he says that fucks lover.
A man asks:
- And what if the husband comes back?
- A husband and I fuck!
The man answered:
- ... dick, I'll be back home ...
- At the movies were ... In the park were ... Ha disco were ... Now where?
- At the registrar's office ...
Why American lesbian has reduced its journey through China?
She missed the native language.
- Givi, where are you so long have you been?
- At Thurm sat.
- How to "on Thurm" on the roof, or what?
- No, on the inside.
There is an operational meeting of the traffic police on the eradication
vzyatnichestva in the ranks of employees.
Head with rostrum:
- How best can encourage the driver never
not offering bribes to an inspector?
Voice from the audience:
- Maybe allow him temporarily at a red light to go ?!!...
Real message from autoresponders
Hi! Answering machine broke down. This suggests a refrigerator. Please,
speak very slowly and I'll write your message and stick
him to her one of those damn magnets.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to maintain
silence. Anything you say will be recorded and used against you.
Congratulations, you call in a detective agency "Sixth Sense".
We know who you are and what you want, so after the tone
I can not answer the phone, because I have amnesia and I feel
like an idiot, talking to people I do not remember. Shall
if you help me and tell me my name and tell something
me. Thank you.
Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just afraid of someone who is not
Leave a message and if I did not call you back, then some people - this is you.
Scientists one of research centers have recently opened
the heaviest chemical element known to science and named it
Administrary (Ad). Administrary not have protons and electrons,
so its atomic number is equal to 0. However, it contains 1 neutron,
125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant
vice-neutrons, which together give him an atomic mass of 312 units.
These 312 particles are held together through the continuous exchange
smallest, like mesons, particles, which scientists named
ukazonami. These particles make an infinite random motion
from one particle to another. Since administrary does not
electrons, it is absolutely inert. Nevertheless, it can be found
chemical method, because it slows down any reaction that
occurs in his presence. According to researchers, even a small
of administrariya increases the duration of the reaction, which
normally occurs in one second, up to four days.
Administrary has a half life of about three years. However, he
does not decay as do the usual elements, instead it
undergoes reorganization - a small part of assistants neutrons
vice-neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places only.
In fact, the atomic weight administrariya has property
increase with time, because from time to time at each
reorganization of the joint action of one or more ukazonov can
lead to new assistant neutrons, vice neutrons
and assistant vice neutrons. Thus there are isotopes
Administrariya with atomic mass of more than 312. In rare cases
with particularly high concentrations ukazonov, it may be a new neutron.
In this case, the disintegration of the nucleus administrariya into two parts, each
of which begins to emit large amounts ukazonov and very
reaches the masses in 312 units or more.
Generally, property ukazonov at high concentrations to produce neutrons
Scientists have raised an interesting hypothesis about the spontaneous administrariya
the accumulation of a critical mass ukazonov. Now scientists
process information to calculate this critical mass.
Suitable Carlson to the kids and says:
- You heard Frekken Bok has recorded a song and shot a clip "I'm mad!
What a shame ... "
Scratch Russian - discover a Tartar. Today the street to me
approached a stranger and began to scrub me. I told him:
"Hey!" What are you doing? "Why do you me ... Hey! Tukta! Tukta dip eytem! Kytyklama!"
First Personal. The chief director of the Moscow Youth Theater - Henrietta
Yanovsky. Her husband - also the director, and his name is Kama Ginkas.
Waking up Yanovskaya, shove her husband's elbow and said to him
- Well, wake up or something ... Kama in the morning ...
What is the name cat's Minister of Foreign Affairs of Germany?
Right, Yoshkin cat!
In Valentine's day Belarus was included in the Record Book
for the most massive kiss. More than 6 thousand people before the cameras
cameras domestic and foreign correspondents kiss my ass
its president. Soon, the organizers promise to beat and this
Due to the fact that he had filed a dismissal of the Governor of Kemerovo region
Aman Tuleyev Gumirovich again running for the same office are invited
rename it to Haman Eksgumirovicha ...
Nazdratenko asked to lead the Fisheries Committee.
- He has great experience in the freezing, - commented
proposal in the Kremlin.
Plane takes off. In the salon hostess goes:
- Dear passengers! WELCOME TO Vnukovo Airlines!
Our plane was manned by first-class pilot, honored master
Life is merciless to men ... When they are born, their mother
receive flowers. When they marry, the bride received flowers and gifts.
When they die, their wives get insurance and rest in the Bahamas.
The evolution of relations between the husband to his wife:
I can not live without this woman (youth)
I can not live with this woman (maturity)
I can not do anything with this woman (adulthood)
I can not do without this woman (old age)
One man, deeply concerned over the death of his wife, returned from the funeral.
His best friend calms widower:
- I know you now seriously. But you are young, time will pass and you all
forget, you will meet another woman and you will be happy with it.
- You're right, it may take time ... But tell me, whom I do
Wife chastises drunken husband.
- Masha, - whispered the husband, - you all write, but I get up in the morning
and all-read everything!
- Poor you, poor man! I give you a dollar - just not to drink!
- What a speech! Yes I have it build a sanatorium for alcoholics!
Great and mighty Russian language!
Under the slogan was All-Union rally lesbians.
The teacher said Vovochka:
- Little Johnny, you in the book too many errors.
- Yes, really. Prior horseradish!
Teacher is shocked:
- What? To where?
Little Johnny, taking off his pants:
- That's because every fool shows to much!
A young boy catches a fish, but he did not bite much. Suddenly suitable
him an elderly man and govoirt:
- What, no bite?
- Yes, not very.
- Oh, do not know the young old antiquated method! Here, look!
With these words, he gets his body and puts it into the water. Across
some time, he pulls out a huge fish.
- Understand? - He says to the young. - Come on, do as I, and I
Well, pulled a young body, put it in the water. old - he:
- Well, it bites back! Come on, pincer!
- But wait, wait a bit!
Outside, dusk. She lay on her back completely naked. Her pale
chest in the last rays of sunset highlighted in pink.
Raised, slightly bent legs, as if offended at each other,
parted and looked in different directions. Captain Sidorov, zapahnuv
robe, was standing in deep meditation. He was something to ponder:
how to feed a family of frozen chicken?
- Moishe, are you married?
- Yes, Chaim, I was married.
- Moishe, she pretty?
- No, Chaim, it is not pretty.
- But, Moishe, she young?
- No, Chaim, it's old.
- Moishe, well, maybe it rich?
- No, Chaim, it is poor.
- Moishe, I do not understand, why did you marry the old, poor
and a beautiful woman!?
- Yes, Chaim, it is old, poor and beautiful woman, but in bed --