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In matters of medicine and longevity Zoshchenko was a complete idiot, but also
Soviet censors did not allow.
At the time of travel pass the girl, used, in good condition.
The questionnaire can ask only one question to determine age, sex,
and social background of man:
/ What you meant by "a walk"? /
In Russia and the United States simultaneously created and machine learning with computers
artificial intelligence. Exactly 1 year 22 days 13 hours 25 minutes
34 sec. American computer broke down the control nuclear missiles and
destroyed all living things. Russian as a computer was all the same - he took to drink
somewhere within 5-6 months before.
suckme `s saloon
Let me ask - Attacks neboisi.
Good looks - Kimonoto herovato.
Beautiful city - Toyama tokanava.
Mansion - Hatahama.
Secretary - Sukahama.
Pretty face - Fara KAMAZ.
You are curious - Noshiro fuss.
To drink - Khotsa ever shining.
Not expensive? - Shikoku Shikoku?
The solid rip-off - I'll go naked.
We are dissatisfied - Van Malomat.
Behave yourself - Seritoka Tama.
Strongly risk - Sitoiti koloyama.
Not give - Kusikaku.
Blin - Tuyumamu.
Smuggling - concealment-umayki.
Until we meet again - Pokeda cockroach.
"Knot Brain Meal" www.umopit.ru
Opera troupe - is dead opera.
Winter in Russia should be like vodka - 40 degrees, only with less.
Once Carlson put his pants inside out. This is how the chopper.
Prize exhibitionist of our banner network: 10000 hits!
Two Canadians are sitting in the bar and play a game of "Word" - one guess
and another, asking questions (round-square, dark-light, etc.)
must guess the word. Begin: one put forth a "elk dick, the other
asks the first question:
- It's edible? It can have?
- Well, in general, yes.
- Moose dick?
- All men think of only one!
- Do not tell me, there are goats, who reported this have no intention!
The officer stopped rambling in the yard with nothing ordinary.
- Why are you here gad? Who were you in civilian life?
- I was deputy head of a trading firm.
- Subordinated been?
- Yes! 10 people!
- What would you do if you saw how your subject dangles
- Without hesitation, would be sacked immediately!
- You call a girl, judging by his voice - leggy!
Fashion has finally turned to the common people and became
design clothing for full and petite. You should have seen
how funny she looks at the slim and high fashion model!
Husband and wife began to fuck. And suddenly on the radio:
- Attention, attention, started the third world war! In our town
drops an atomic bomb! Farewell, comrades ... - Weeping bitterly.
Wife - her husband:
- You have always been so, back aches, the atomic bomb ...
If sausage sold as well as software
then under the transparent wrapper around it would be the following agreement:
1) The manufacturer does not guarantee the compatibility of this product
with the organism and has no implications for its use;
2) the consumer is forbidden to examine the contents of the sausage
(eg, the presence of rat tails);
3) the buyer may sest sausage, but still does not become her
4) to use sausage can only one person;
5) the buyer can not sell sausages to anyone;
6) the manufacturer does not guarantee that the product is free from errors
(eg, from impurities of potassium cyanide);
7) the possible responsibility for the health of the purchaser can not exceed
cost of sausage;
8) severing the wrapper, the buyer accepts the terms of this agreement.
Ancient old woman comes to the doctor:
- Doctor, I have shortness of breath.
The doctor, after listening attentively to her and did not find signs of shortness of breath, asks:
- And when exactly it is you?
- When I caught up with the tram running ...
What is a dildo in the Navy?
- Doctor, how is he?
- Bullet - a fool, so that vital organs are not affected ...
- Thank God!
- ... But the bayonet - fellow, yes, the bayonet - fellow ...
Vstpechayutsya two "new pysskih, one gpystny such. He began
pazgovop of life:
- As yet Quaternary flies! By a simple stpashno done. Son pastet,
turned 9 years has finally arrived.
- So it hoposho! Assistant pastet. And why are gpystish something?
- Yes shkoly forgot to pay!
As you know, women and men - is the complete opposite.
Consequently, if all the men - brothers on reason, all women --
Sisters of madness.
Ancient wisdom says: what woman wants, that God wants.
But surely God wants so much of French perfume, flowers, champagne and fucked!
Man comes to a psychologist and says:
- All my life is good, but not enough thrill,
how would I get them and more? All I have tried,
and parachute jumping, and scuba diving, etc. I want
- Sign up for a mistress.
- I have three of them - is responsible guy - does not help.
- Then tell them your wife.
"We can serve you:
... Choose any two points! "
Rings mistress lover:
- Let's meet.
- Come on.
- Come on in my home.
- A husband?
- And it is not, he is on the Internet.
- Why did you buy such an expensive service?
- To the wife did not trust me to wash the dishes.
Husband and wife are going on vacation.
- Children will send to my mother - says the wife.
- Dog and Parrot postpone Aunt Fyenya.
- Cats take janitor.
Male looking thoughtfully out the window.
- If the apartment is so quiet, why somewhere to go?
Little girl enters the pet shop. It pretty ylybaetsya ppodavtsy
- I would like to kypit kpolika.
- Want kypit this little sepenkogo simpatyagy with derived microcontinents such
sad eyes and shaggy this lazy white kpolika?
Girl with ylybkoy answers:
- A moemy ydavy FSUs "th!
- Dear! Something you is bad!
- Yes I'm here to try not to breathe the receiver - garlic just booze.
The western TV flashed another wave of anti-Russia propaganda.
Always move videos from the Chechen Republic of the atrocities rossiykoy Army
and the suffering of the Chechen people. The matter went to extremes - he Clinton
I went to Chechnya, to check what was happening.
Passing it once through the forest, with all his retinue, of course. Suddenly
hears a growl, heart-rending cries. Approaching closer and see this picture:
Chechen gangster type typically tied to a tree - and it attacks
bear. Just a little further - and the end of the Chechens.
Then from behind the bushes fly three Russian officers and began to shoot the bear
head. In general, the bear was killed, dragged away from the horrified Chechens;
well, and begin the skin of a bear to shoot on the hill.
Here it is suitable to Clinton and says:
- I bow before you for your noble deed. Some
dishonest the Western media are trying to spread slander about your
actions in Chechnya. But I am now convinced that in Russia's society
and close no hatred towards people of Caucasian nationality.
For sim Clinton left. One officer asked the other:
- Hey, Vasya, and who it was that??
- Yes you Th!? It's the president of America, Bill Clinton!
- I do not know, he was president or not the president, but in the hunt for a bear dude
Oleg, Melbourne, Oz
Caucasian vyskakiaet with a suitcase on the platform.
Before it leaves the train.
He sits on the suitcase and grieving:
- Oh damn gone, oh you bastard left !.......
Suitable ment. Asks:
- Who's left? Where did she go?
- The train's gone!
- The train did not leave and miss the boat!
Caucasian with indignation:
- You go on ....... ! In this tragic moment, you'll be me
In one girl was nemeryannom chest. She came to my girlfriend and
- Oh, that today was that it was! Were traveling in the bus was so crowded
that bra burst.
- Breast-then at least not ottoptali?
New Russian yells to his secretary:
- You vaasche Th thinks about himself? If I was you a couple of times in the tavern, incorporate
and put in a cot, so you no longer can work?
- Who told you such nonsense?
That with a smile:
- Gynecologist and a lawyer!
Patient with a doctor:
- Is it possible for the prevention of influenza pour cold
water and run around in shorts in the cold?
- Better influenza than schizophrenia!
How are women in the age of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58 years?
8 years - to lay her to bed and tells her tale.
18 years - tells her tale, to put her to bed.
28 years - to put her to bed, do not even need to fairy tales.
38 years - She tells you stories, to put you in her bed.
48 years - compose her tale, just not to go to bed with her.
58 years - does not get out of bed all day just to
not listen, as she writes you a fairy tale.
(Translated from English)
Woman - being rear-wheel, cornering - arrogant.
One oak - it is an oak. One hundred oak trees - a grove.
One of the devil - the devil. Hundred devils - a mother-in-law.
There are a Palestinian with an Israeli.
- How awful! Soon we will have their own state. Must be
pay taxes, serve in the army and to respect the laws!
- No problem! We are doing this for 52 years!
- But you already see the end!
Western. On the prairie, two cowboys ride and talk. Behind the scene,
as expected, nasal translator:
- Fuck, Bob? / Where does this road, Bob?
- Shit, Jim. / I do not know for sure, Jim.
- Shit, Bob. / What do you think, Bob?
- Fuck, Jim. / I think she is in Texas, Jim.
- Fuck, Bob. / And I think it leads to California, Bob.
- Fuck, Jim. / No, still in Texas, Jim.
- Shit, Bob! / Damn, Bob, we do not want in Texas!
- Fuck, Jim. / Do not scold, Jim.
Involving two new Russian past the monument, on which is written:
"Glory to the Heroes of Seafarers. One pushes the other:
- Look, Kohl, normal guy glory .....
- ... A monument to the sailors set!
At the global competition for the hijacking of vehicles:
Third place was awarded to the terrorist Abdul, who stole top secret
bomber with a top-secret airfield;
Second place was awarded to the terrorist Said for hijacking a top-secret
boats with a top-secret submarine base;
First place was awarded to the terrorist Hatab for hijacking a motorcycle of a biker
from the gang "drunken Wheel. Posthumously.
(C) Robinson OdEcsky
In a rich family's daughter was ugly, her boyfriend started to walk,
and once his mother found the young men kissing.
It's strictly a guy said:
- I hope you are doing it with serious intent?
- What do you think? Not because of the fun now!
- I have a friend recently from drinking coded. And what is convenient --
code is the same as at the entrance: 385 and hold, hold.
They talk to two mothers:
- All tables in the courtyard domino go in! Children play cards
Children came found out sick teacher. She lies in bed,
forehead damp handkerchief. The teacher opens his eyes and said:
"Duty, wet, please rag!"
- Dear, which means "baby one more time"?
- One more time, baby.
- What does "baby one more time"?
- You're the navigator?
- Explain please, what do you have for the expression: "crab"?
- We do not have such an expression.
- How not?
- Is the expression "gold piece with the nose.
What Vasilevsky Island residents differ from residents of Petrograd
side? Of Petrograd walk on small and big, and vasileostrovtsy
also on average.
At the lecture the professor explains how nature compensates man
loss of any property:
- If a person is blind, he had keen ears. When strong
as a man, it is usually weak in mental development.
Note from the audience:
- Now you know why you became a professor.
- When I was a child, the doctor told me: "Do not stop gnawing
nails - grow up idiot. "
- And why do not you stop?