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- Imagine, our neighbor is pregnant again!
- It's not your business.
- Whose is it? Maybe yours?
She is staying with friends in the country and notes that all the beds under the windows
planted with prickly cacti:
- Makes sense. It is that - especially to those impudent men in the window is not
- No, that does not jumped out ...
WHY DOGS BETTER THAN Husbands
1. The dog does not require you signing the marriage contract.
2. The dog never hides his games with other dogs.
3. The dog sees a dog show as a work rather than work as a
4. The dog does not require a tenfold repetition of its nicknames for the
to come running when called.
5. The mood of the dog is not dependent on traffic jams, the Dow Jones
and the course of the Uruguay escudos.
6. Dog does not require daily clean freshly ironed shirt and trousers.
7. You do not know your dog's mother in law, so your nerves are in order.
8. Dogs do not spend the whole day off in the gym.
9. Dogs do not hold evening meetings and do not fly on business trips
10. The fact that a dog found on the street, she hides in the street, and shall not be
dirtiest in the house.
11. The dog does not spend money on bars, smelly cigars and other
12. Only a rare dog snores like a cobbler.
13. A dog can always be sterilized or neutered.
14. Dog happy to eat canned or dry food and never
require borscht for dinner or coffee in bed.
15. The dog never gets drunk as a lord and does not stick to the other
dogs with the question: "Do you respect me? "
16. The dog never goes out hunting without you.
17. Quite often it happens that with your dog in bed
turns out to be another dog.
18. Dog happy to sit next to you and your girlfriend for
a glass of tea in the kitchen and will enjoy the company.
19. The dog will not poke the night: "My dear, you were good
or are you pretending? "
20. Dog does not boast of its long tail.
21. The dog, knowing that she will have children, not frightened, not hiding
and does not try to escape to the edge of the world.
22. The dog can wear on her collar and do not think that
you try it "zahomutat.
23. The dog, thank God, can not read and never heard
24. Drunk stinking dog - the exception rather than the rule.
25. The dog never offended that you are playing in her toy --
she is always happy to share them.
26. In the important decisions are guided by a dog not the opinions of others
27. When a dog is sick, it does not require every five seconds for an ambulance and
council of professors, it is enough of a veterinary visit.
28. From dogs do not need her consent to your trip, you just
take it with you or leave the hotel for dogs.
29. A dog loves you so what you have and for what you have it.
Cultural man instead of on dick "wrote" Finally. "
The priest delivers a sermon to the students:
- My children, do not be tempted! It all starts with one small
cigarettes, then they will be two, then three, and there already are beginning to drink already
mind sex, luxury - all this leads to debauchery. You have me
- Yes, Father: and where to take this magic a cigarette?
- What is the difference between the penis and salary?
- Blow your salary a month his wife did not get tired.
Law of conservation of age.
Those years that a woman throws, utterly disappear: it
adds them to the age girlfriends.
Recipe for career growth in Russia is simple: men are career depends on
someone who drinks, career woman - who sleeps with whom. The problem is that
drink with the right person is much harder than sleep!
- How does a prostitute from a respectable woman?
- A prostitute is not satisfied with the auction for their services.
They talk to two:
- I have a dog named Tyson.
- Why Tyson?
- Because he's a boxer breed and loves to bite.
St. Petersburg, Vasilevsky Island, encountered a stranger and local
- Excuse me, here in the Big trams go?
- The larger one? I personally have not seen ... But judging by the condition
city, probably often ...
The aircraft carrier returned to port after a long voyage. Eve
One sailor gives a telegram to his wife:
"Six months without sex. In your own interest to come to meet me directly
to the ladder. "
Comes the answer:
"Six months without sex. In your own interest to leave the ramp first.
Did you know that ...
Vveph raised thumb means standaptny Problems of "give me a lift"
podnyatny vveph spedny finger - standaptny response.
Ireland. Near one of the pubs is a fight.
By fighting fit men and asked:
- Excuse me, this is a private fight, or open to all?
- Here yesterday during a storm, my girl in a swimsuit crammed
Several marine ...
- Heuzheli stars?
- Het, b $ I, infantry!
He met a guy with a girl - beautiful, smart, intelligent.
romantic evening in the restaurant and decided to retire in the park, so ...
look at the stars, it is b. .. Then he spohvatyvatsya that not even
knows her name:
- What is your name, dear?
- Hadenka - he hears the answer.
- What a beautiful name, and it sounded so beautiful out of your mouth!
- Hadenka it! - He hears the answer.
- At this time it sounded more beautiful!
- Hadenka it! - He hears the answer.
- And here again I hear it is a lovely name!
- HADEH-KA GETS THIS HAKOHETS condom freak!
My wife says to her husband:
- I tell you how many times said vbey two nails into the wall!
- So I did just yesterday hammered ...
- Properly! Where I am now going to include iron??
The boy found in a closet oktyabryatskuyu star and goes to the Pope with
question: "Dad, as well as the name of the Pokemon?"
When the street heard the approaching wail of fire sirens, John
firmly placed the mug on the table and said:
- Well, I gotta go!
- Since when do you bricked up fire? - Asked the bartender.
- My husband's mistress fireman.
Man calls a meeting with one of the sons of Rothschild and entered into the study,
angrily throws him in the face:
- Monsieur, what you have done is disgusting. My daughter Catherine, her 17 years,
She was a girl, and now she is pregnant from you! You are going to take
- I know - says Rothschild. - We will resolve this in a minute. Since
birth, I pledge to his mother to pay the monthly amount
twenty thousand francs. I think you agree?
- Yes ... But tell me, and if a miscarriage, then maybe you will give us
He had savings that looked porn disabled graphics.
- And a man sits and says! And sitting and saying ...
- And that, he's so fuddy-duddy, granny, yes?
- No-e-t! Judge it!
A team of drunken doctors in the carriage rides around the city. Speed to the limit, almost
Do not overtake constipation. This one is constantly shouting: "Faster,
We are losing it! "In general, drove to the hospital, with drunken yells
fall out of the car on the street and crawling with all their forces to the door
hospitals, without ceasing to cry.
At the heart-rending cries of the hospital runs a flock of people in white dressing gown and
seed to the aforementioned doctors:
- What? What happened?
- Faster, faster, we ... we lose it - hardly pronounces one
A flock of people in white dressing gown seed to coach, opens the car door,
looks ... and no one finds it. Then, the same gaggle minces back to
- But there is no one!
- Aaaa (sobbing). We lost it ...
Fighting patriotism and nostalgia: I saw a stall port "Caucasus".
Menu in Makdonlds.
Hamburger - hamburger.
Hamburger and cheese - chisburger.
Roll without anything - fakburger.
- My daughter eats pickles, probably in the body of something not
- Brains are not enough ... used to think it was right!
- I want to buy yourself some cheap decoration in the form of a
insect. Anything you can advise?
- Of course! Plaque-Fly
The new-made Texas millionaire, told his friend that hired
specialist, so he has recreated him his family tree.
After some time, he lamented:
- Imagine, this guy dug up all the documents from my past
family, and now I have to pay him only for the fact that he
hold your tongue!
Song deeply lonely men:
You know everything in your hands, all in your hands ...
- Here in this place my last section - the woman says,
pointing to the bushes near the entrance.
- Are any of the tenants did not call the police?
- Why? summoned. But you know our police. Always they
late! When a car drove up, I was dressed ...
The inscription on the gravestone:
Farewell, 6 signs of unhealthy hair!
The debate on chastity has ended like this:
- Protect you want?
- Of course.
- But how? After the keys to this treasure of all men hang ...
Lawyer from Michigan, John Richards filed a lawsuit on their
parents. He accuses his father and mother that at conception and subsequent
birth was not warned that life leads to the appearance of wrinkles,
poor vision, hair loss and, ultimately, lethal
outcome. The amount of the claim specified.
Priest watching a man playing golf. Man observes
it is suitable and asked:
- Holy Father, you probably think this is a sin - to play golf in
- My son, play how you play - a sin on any day of the week.
Two women are suitable to the fruit tray:
- We have two banana, please.
- We do not sell stuff on. Everything is packaged. Take the package.
- A package of what?
- Differently. Four, three.
One woman other:
- Well then, where we take the three? One, in extreme cases, and you can eat.
- I do something good-natured woman. This morning, for example, a tramp
Gave $ 10.
- Whoah! $ 10! It is interesting that your husband to say that?
- What could he say? Thank you, of course.
Where did you get that I use cocaine? I just love the smell,
- Two hearts joined - what does it mean?
- Bardak in the operating room.
If you are tormented by insomnia, take a laxative. You get to sleep anyway
not fall asleep, but at least you will do.
The man, hearing the doorbell, opens and sees on the threshold of wife's mother.
That says to him:
- My husband put out the door, can I have a few days after living here?
- Of course, no problem, sit right here, left to his neighbor
Do not block the front door.
Why does my wife does not like to kiss, and others like it?
Because their love to kiss when they are strangers.
There are two friends:
- Katia You predstavlyaesh! What a nightmare! I'm pregnant ...
- How, by whom?
- After the divorce, my husband came to apologize for the fact that he dared
leave me with two children and .......
- What is dignity?
- This is when you do not hurt, but you have offended.
After a rough explanation of the relationship late wife, determined to make peace
with her husband, undresses, lies in bed and as soon as her husband went to
room, playful tone says:
- Dear, I want to do for you something that is, from what you become
the happiest man in the world!
- What, to help you get out?
Klitschko still met the world champion! They have beaten Kasparov ..
- Green, in spots, jumping.
- No. Paratroopers.
- Steep woman KUKURINA wife!
- Where did you get?
- Do you often seen a man just a couple of nights at home spent the night, and already
his whole country otmazyvaet?
Mature couple walking in the evening in the park. They gravely sit on a bench and
suddenly notice that at the other end of the shop (a shop long and
dimly lit) sits a young couple and very passionate kisses. Mature
couple understands that fell into the uncomfortable situation. Finally the wife whispers
- Listen, well, you at least whistle somehow.
- No shit, me 30 years ago, nobody gave a whistle ...
History terrible person
I want to tell you the story of his life. This is not a love story, and a
It is not a happy ending, but I have nothing more to tell you, because I
Born frightening, very frightening.
When I was born, the doctor went into the corridor, where my father sat,
and said: "We did everything we could, but he was born alive."
Since I was born prematurely, I was placed in a pressure chamber with
My mother never gave me a chest - she loved me as a friend. Instead
In order to give me chest, she slapped me on the shoulder.
I was such a low growth, that when I went, everybody said: "Arise!"
And when I went to the sidewalk, I could not see.
And I was so hairy that my mother was often asked: "This
boy you have a baby or are you tied it? "
Besides, I was so skinny that when I once stuck two fingers in
outlet, an electric discharge passed by.
But the problem was not that I was thin, but the fact that I was terribly.
Parents had to tie on my neck a piece of meat to a dog with
I was so terrible that, after I once moved
truck, I looked even better.
My dad always carried a purse with baby photo - the one
which was sold together with a purse.
Once I got lost and asked a policeman to find my parents,
He replied: "Well, how do I know where they have fled from thee?"
Once I was kidnapped and sent by mail to his father, my finger. After
that my father demanded that the kidnappers have evidence.
Ransom's father did not pay, because our family was very poor, but
despite the poverty, she was very proud, so proud that when
My father finally found work, he was on it immediately refused.
So I had to work from early childhood. I worked in
pet shop, and customers constantly asked how I stand.
One girl called me and said: "Come to me, at my house
nobody. When I came home really was nobody.
My wife really like to chat with me after sex. Yesterday she
specifically for this called me from the hotel.
Once, when life got me completely, I decided to throw the 16 th
floor. To me the priest invited him to give me a spiritual
advice. Come to me, the priest said: "Get ready ... ....
The last will of my father before he died was that I sat with him
knees. He was sentenced to the electric chair.
A man washes in the bath. Quietly so unsuspecting. None
not touching. Suddenly another man doused him with cold water from the basin.
Well, first, of course, begins to scream loudly. Like, that is.
Che in the case, a pancake.
And second, as if apologizing:
- Oh, sorry, I thought you - Rabinovich ...
First hearing it, began to yell even louder.
Second, with surprise:
- I do not understand what are you going to stand up so for Rabinovich ...