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Popal Rabinovich in the army, and after the course of a young soldier sent him
Chechnya. He fought a month and asked to leave.
- Too early for you yet, - said the battalion commander. Leave - have merit.
- And how?
- Well, eat our "language".
A day later led soldiers prisoner, and the commander fulfilled the promise. But
'll soon Rabinovich wanted to go home.
- Gain should, my son - said the battalion commander. - Now, if you're sensitive
Documents enemy got it, there is all sorts of maps, orders ...
In the morning the commander of a fighter handed over secret documents of terrorists, has
medal and sergeant stripes and went on vacation. Returning from leave,
Rabinovich again turned to the commander with the same request. Combat to
he left behind, told him to get the enemy flag, and the security officer decided
follow the successful warrior.
Night is the hero in the mountains, followed by NKVD crawl. Suitable for Rabinovich
camp of Chechen militants, takes from her bosom the banner of its parts,
waving to them and shouted:
- Hey, guys, it's me again! Let us now change the flags!
Zaporozhets - "Moskvich":
- Look at who is there for me in the backside Kolupaev?
- Yes there is a candle is inserted!
In our country you live like a sheep: whole life afraid of the shepherd and dog
in the prime of your prirezhut.
A woman should be at Polyclinic: clean, free and
Four periods in the life of men:
1. Not yet
2. Already yes
3. Even so
4. Already there
Provincial Hotel. Night. Behind the wall You hear the creaking and
groans. Then penetrating breathy female voice says:
- Deeper ... Deeper ... Deeper ...
After some time, a desperate man's tenor voice is heard:
- I can not deeper! I can often!
The policeman stops the car:
- Comrade driver, why is your passenger is not tied belts
- Do not be afraid, man, this is my mother-in-law - it is very quiet today!
Crowded bus. People were packed more and more. Young
man all the time pushing for a pretty girl. Guy is trying
not to offend the girl and pushed back all the time. In such gestures
(forward-back) through several stops. Suddenly girl
turns and asks:
- Young man, you that want to fuck me?
In that confused and bewildered young man answers:
- No, you ... I, on the contrary, I try not to offend you ...
- Then go away, maybe someone else wants!
- Girl, I have a feeling that I owe you.
- What do you mean, we do not even know.
- No, well it is true, I have to believe me.
- Well, what do you owe me?
- I must fulfill its duty of man!
High-speed English language courses "British Beer":
Dose: Language level
1 cup: Your level of English proficiency remains unchanged.
2: Level of English increases.
3 ": The language level is increased (although the grammar is lost).
4: Your English is pretty sketchy, but you start
confuse the English and their native languages.
5: You find that quite well poete in English.
6 ": You find yourself in a huge stock of English
vocabulary (fortunately, no one except you do not understand).
7 ": You are absolutely not proficient in English (as well as
more than 7 (Dangerous zone !!!): You start to speak on the U.S.
The charismatic personality - a personality, whose mug is not nothing but foul
- This morning I saw a nightmare! Terrible sight!
- In the mirror!
The experienced magician will present a young single woman in a magic wand
A student sitting an exam on the history of deals. Suddenly he turns to
neighbor in the back row and asks:
- And in what year abolished serfdom?
The girl, taken by the answer to your question, short answers:
- In the 61st.
Guy turns his back ... What a thought ... and three minutes later
turns to her:
- Wait, it's like .. In the 61st same Gagarin flew into space ...
... and, above all, Lord, redeem us from the fire in the day, a fireman from
disease in the doctor's day, and from the adversary attacks a day counsel
- You are a tamer of lions?
- Why they will not touch? You are such a small, skinny ...
- That's the trick. They are waiting for when I potolsteyu.
In the back room of a cafe is a game of poker. Suddenly one of the players
pulls out a gun and warns rival:
- I hate cheaters. Tell a minute, as you were not the same card
I passed you ...
Mr passes the customs office together with his seven-year old son.
The officer discovers he has a box of cigars and immediately confiscates it.
The boy, wanting to comfort his father, said loudly:
- Do not worry, in my suitcase two boxes!
A tourist sits down at a table telavivskogo restaurant. The waitress immediately
puts before him a plate, glass, puts the device brings the salt and pepper,
- You will vinegar?
- No, no!
- Then go'll send you an invoice.
Madame wrong and often goes on dates, as her husband does not suspect.
However, in one evening her husband returned earlier than usual at the moment
when the phone rings. Madame rushes to the phone, listens, then
turns to her husband and says:
- Imagine, someone assigns me a date.
Madame well recognized voice of the interlocutor, but in the presence of a spouse to speak
- What would you do? - Asked the husband.
- You'll laugh ... - And spoke into the receiver. - Okay, honey.
Tomorrow at five o'clock as always.
The lady wants to rent a room in a provincial hotel for three days.
- And when you serve food?
- Breakfast is from seven to eleven, lunch from noon until three o'clock
and dinner at seven o'clock until nine at night.
- Oh, God! I have so little time for sightseeing!
At a ball dancer asks her partner:
- It's you, girl, very beautiful sister?
- No, my sister!
At work, the two friends discuss the weekend:
- On Friday, chatted with our secretary, so she told me those eyes
system ... Well, I invited her on Saturday in the restaurant, she says - come
pleasure. Comes, imagine, in such a small, about the neck
generally silent. The whole evening flirting with me. I have it, of course, after
restaurant to my invite, to show how I live. She comes and sits
such a seductive pose, and only I begin to undress her, you know
she said to me?
- Ah, so you, too, with her trying to ...
Horse Racing. Before the races in the stables and racecourse inspector is
sees as a coach something to give his horse.
- What is this pill?
- It? It's just caramels. Sam eat, here and gave the horse. Want?
- Well, let's.
Just before the start of the coach tells his jockey:
- Hold the full distance in the middle. Next come out only at the last
circle. If you finish before someone overtake, do not worry, it
I, or inspector.
Father and son, a computer fan, play chess.
Father: Well, the horse f3 - mate!
Son immediately: Ctrl-Z!
I wonder why blondes dye their hair roots in a dark color
There is a blind man in New York. Descends on the street and gets the fish
market. Stops. Makes the head movements, as if looking around
then inhale deeply and says:
- Oo-oo-oo, good morning, ladies! ;)
There comes a guy on the exam in the Food Institute.
Sits reception committees, bored, bored applicants ... And suddenly
guy sort of strange, with a box from under the shoe came.
Well they to him:
- Sit down, tell me what led you to us? You probably
childhood dream to become a chef?
- Yes, in general, no. I was a child more Russian folk tales
interested. I am the Arts and received.
- Well, here we are with it?
- Then I biology and genetic engineering interest. I translated
means of biological faculty.
Reception committees generally at a loss:
- Well it's nice, but where are our intitut? Or can you
young man - "drifter"?
- No, you're wrong do not think I learned.
- Then why come to us?
- That you know ....
Opens a box from under the shoes, emptied the contents on the table, the table
were scattered dozens of tiny huts on chicken legs!!
- THIRD DAY THEY DO NOT EAT ANYTHING!
Get human organs after death to heaven.
Liver: - Are you good at translating shit, but you're right body - 100
dollars and have fun.
Heart: - You drive the blood through the body - at 200 dollars and have fun.
Member: - Well, you do slogger, as many had seen in my life! Per 1000
dollars and have fun.
Pi # yes: - So, sponges tint, hair curl and work, work,
Engineer, accountant, a chemist and the customs officer argued, whose cat is smarter.
Engineer called his cat: "X-box, show them!". X-box
approached the table, took a pen and paper and drew a circle, square and
triangle. All agreed that it is not bad.
Then accountant called his cat: "Ledger, show them!". Ledger
went to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies, which are laid out on 4
handful, 3 cookies each. All agreed that it is also good.
A chemist called her: "spatula, show them!". Spatula took from
fridge pack with milk, the shelf 200-gram glass and poured
it just 150 grams of milk without spilling a drop. All too
And all three asked customs: and thy that knows? And then the customs officer
said to his cat: "Invoice, show them." "Invoice" ate all the cookies,
drank the milk, piss on paper, was raped by three other cats,
yelled that it made his aching back, wrote a complaint
harmful working conditions, sent her to "STC" and took sick leave balance
The decisive match of the qualifying round of European Football Championship. What we like
usual, the losers, Gazzaev rushes on the edge of the field. He calls
In the tube - impish voice Romantseva:
- Well? Where are you? You what?
Comes a patient to the doctor.
- Doctor, you know, I do not say I'm Down, but before such
- Do not worry, now the environment is broken, the bad environment.
- Well, doctor, I'll come on Tuesday.
Two friends in a bar. One says:
- Listen, I do not know how to be glued to women.
- This is easily done. There, you see, there is one behind the counter? See
He goes to the girl and says:
- Listen, girl, do not miss your chance, because I think
that you have today is a happy day. Let's check, call the number on
one to five.
- I knew it! Today you just lucky day! So let
hold together tonight!
Together they come out of the bar, holding hands. The second guy looks at
them with his mouth open, but then decided to try his luck with another
- Listen, girl, do not miss your chance, because I think
that you have today is a happy day. Let's check - call the number
one to five.
- Damn! Total unit does not converge!
Dear girls, to get rid of the annoying harassment on the street,
the question: "What are you doing this evening?" - Feel free to respond:
- I to three to venereal diseases, and then I'm free!
In the study runs the patient:
- Doctor, help! A terrible pain in his left egg.
- You saw a sign on the door or not? I'm not the one who you want. I
LL.D.. Ponimate - PRA-va.
- You are, doctors, quite sdureli with their specialization. Right, left, which
Romantically inclined young man, rejecting the love everyone there, you see,
girls waiting on the horizon will ship with blue sails.
Last night, two unidentified men knocked on the prison cell, in which
second year resident entrepreneur P., and introduced staff
police. By being careless, the owner opened the door of the chamber. Attackers
burst into the room and threatening his legs taken away from his GP all the furniture,
money, plumbing and a few expensive paintings.
July 1 in the questionnaire for U.S. citizens traveling to Ukraine are
three new paragraphs:
1) What he seeks in a country far away?
2) Who threw it at the edge of their own?
3) How much is tossed?
Animals in the forest built prison. Leo, as the king of beasts, all distributed
for employment. No cases have turned out to be a hedgehog.
- And I? - Unhappy tone says hedgehog.
Leo scratched his head, looked at the hedgehog, felt the needles and said:
- Okay, you're going to work in the cooler.
- Toilet paper.
After a thorough six-month investigation into the causes and consequences
explosion in private upryamovskom shop "your eternal rest" investigators
prosecution for particularly important cases came to a unanimous conclusion:
crime was committed by those to whom it was profitable!
At the entrance of his house shot and killed by a freelance journalist N., known
their izoblichitelnymi articles against the highest government officials.
In one version of the murder of law enforcement - the extraordinary heat, which
is now Madagascar.
Checking on the market.
- You're not bananas from Chernobyl?
Walking in the street my grandmother years some sort of 90 and sadly lamented:
"Oi, Oi lost ... lost ..."
Passing by a young girl:
"Grandma, what you lost?"
"Oh, lost, Oh, lost !..."
"But what you lost something?"
"The feeling of purity and freshness" Kefri "!"
From the letter of Mr. Chubais.
Dear Anatoly, wrote you an electrician, Ernest P.
Sidorov. Do something. Due to huge external resemblance to you
I often beaten face.
Yours EP Sidorov
Guide for Beginners physicists
(translated from English)
1. Classification Sciences
1.1. If it is green or twisting - is part of biology.
1.2. If it stinks - it is Chemistry.
1.3. If it does not work, then it applies to physics.
2. Guidelines for laboratory staff
2.1. If you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2.2. Experience is directly proportional to the number that broken equipment.
2.3. Experiments must be reproducible. All they have
to fall in the same way.
2.4. Laboratory journal is very important. It shows that you
2.5. If you're in something not sure, talk about it with conviction.
2.6. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
2.7. Teamwork is very important, it enables you to blame
failure of someone else.
Credo: Science - is the truth. Do not let the facts lead you
Creature I drochaschaya or woman have?
Two friends talking:
- You know, I have my husband call the volcano.
- What, he's so hot and passionate?
- No, for the year just two eruptions.
Moonshine - your enemy. Throw him out!
Putin's speech on television after the assassination of U.S. President:
- I would like to express my condolences to the people of the U.S. for the untimely
death of U.S. President George W. Bush ...
- Wait a minute, but he survived ...
Putin Kasyanov beckons and says:
- What are you, my boy, my shame?
- This very minute fix.
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