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- When he died, he left all his wealth to the children's home.
- And what wealth?
- 12 children.
- Doctor, I snore in my sleep.
- You bet!
- And it interferes with your wife, right?
- No, I'm not married.
- So, you sleep alone?
- What's the problem?
- I was already with the fifth place of employment fired!
The woman, upon learning that her husband had an accident, comes to the hospital and
asked the doctor:
- Doctor, what with my husband?
- Well, as you say ... in general, what the waist - all this in
- The fact that above the waist?
- Difficult to tell you: this part is not found.
There is an exam. The door opens the audience of her show
disheveled figure of the professor.
"There is no health is not enough for these students ..."- panting, with
difficulty pronounces teach. Then send in the trash from under the jar
vaseline and causes you next.
Educated man, advising bandy-legged girl to go into the cavalry,
will clarify the motivation of its board.
Call apartment Baskova.
- Excuse me, but you can Katyusha?
- Katyusha? Yes please: Ra-actsvetali apple and pear trees, drifting mists
the river! ...
There are two Estonian filmmaker:
- Ssslushshay and Rme tfoy priyattel, tafno ya ETF not fitel ...
- AAA he now sanyat proplemoy tvattsat pyatofo Katra.
- Patumat only what protfinuty!
- Hu ta, tvattsat four withdrew Wille, now tvattsat fifth removes ...
Died caver and left him only one helmet ...
This helmet was inherited by his cousin - also caver.
So he put on this helmet and climbed into the hole. Suddenly he heard a voice:
- Reject the left!
Reject. Past with great speed sweeping stone ...
Goes further. Again the voice:
- Climbed into the slot on the right!
Climbed. As well to fly several huge stones.
- Pancakes, with such a helmet but do not go!
- Put me here on this ledge!
Put. As the well is falling rocks, one rock interrupted rope
guy falls and breaks. Helmet:
- Hu here, again remained intact!
Soldier wants to be genepalom,
Lieutenant - colonel
Captain - mayopom.
Should people on the road to meet him coming avomobil.
- N / tram obedet.
The driver thinks:
- Do not post, step back.
Above the bar hung a sign: "Good Injun - a dead Indian.
Under the bar lay Indian, not yet dead, but good.
Turk sits at the bar. Suitable for him and my grandfather said:
- Here is all you, the Turks are good, but I am now one can not understand why
are you always talking loudly.
Turk lost his temper, banged in lapped grandfather, left the bar. After 5 minutes
returns with another. Here again grandfather suits and says:
- Here is all you Turks, good, only one bad. Why are you at all
Turk other oserchali, otmudohali grandfather most nebaluysya, had gone away.
After 10 minutes back, 15 people all with knives, chains. Santa again
- Here is all you, the Turks are good. Only one can not understand why you
to shoot all the time with knives come.
Per. with him. \ Heating
Before a baby ...
To feel what will be the night, walking circles around the room with
five to ten in the evening with a bag of wet weight from 3 to 6 kg. At 10 pm
Put a paper bag, set the alarm clock for midnight and go to sleep.
Wake up at twelve and walk in a room with a bag of up to an hour. Put
alarm for 3. Because you can not sleep, get up at 2 and
something to drink. At 2:45 go to bed. At three o'clock with
alarm clock stand up. Sing songs in the dark for up to four in the morning. Put
alarm clock for 5 hours. Stand up and cook breakfast. Repeat in
within five years. Looks happy.
Remove the flesh from the melon and do the side of a small hole the size
a ping-pong balls. With twine hang from the ceiling and
swayed from side to side. Then take a bowl of macerated
cornflakes and attempt to shove a spoon in swinging
melon, hopping like a grasshopper. Continue until the end half
bowls. Pour the remaining half into his lap. Now you are ready
feed twelve tot.
To prepare for the baby, take their first steps, peremazhte jam
sofa and all the curtains. Stick your fish sticks for the music center and
leave it there for a couple of months.
Clothe young children is not as easy as it seems. Buy a string bag and
octopus. Try to shove octopus in a string bag so that none of
tentacles are not sticking out. Time to perform the exercises - all
Forget about sports cars and buy a family model. Buy
chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glovebox. Leave there.
Above the back seat crush a full package of cookies. Spend a rake
on both sides of the body. That's so great! You like it?
Get ready to go for a walk, then wait in the bathroom for half an hour. Log in
street. Go back. Exit. Again, go inside. Exit and
walk the walk. Return. Again, go up the path. Five minutes
very slow walk along the road. Every ten seconds stop
and consider cigarette butts, remains of chewing gum, dirty pieces of paper and
dead insects. Go back. Shouting, that you have enough and
that you are no longer so you can not. Have your neighbors emerged from their
houses and stare at you. Are you ready to try to bring the baby to
Go to a supermarket, taking with them most similar to
preschooler creature. Ideal adult goat. If you plan
have multiple children, take a few goats. Buy your
conventional products for a week, without letting the goats out of sight. Pay for
everything that the goats eat or broken.
Immediately before a baby, find a married couple with
which children already have, and pokritikuyte their methods of discipline,
their lack of patience and that they allow children to behave
wildly. Suggest how to improve the sleep of children, to accustom them to the pot,
instill good manners at the table and just learn to behave. Not
Remember to get pleasure from it - all the answers you
known for the last time.
FAQ for all occasions.
Q. There is such a garbage here. What to do with it?
A.1. Look at this garbage carefully. Have you ever had it before?
2. If not, then try to fuck her.
3. If garbage poimela you, the garbage is not it, but you.
General part of the checks.
- Complaints have?
- "Yes, comrade general, there! Commander yells at me, said I
face otel. A had a redder your own mug!
- You know, you remind me of Pushkin.
- And what, kudpyami navepnoe?
- Het, zastpelit want.
Evening on the River. Old fisherman, caught nothing, Jacked.
Muttering: "If this is not reassuring, hanged himself to all!"
This old Petersburg intelligentsia never say: "your IB
mother! ", he says:" Yes I will fit in the fathers ".
Old convict dies in the zone ...
To him fit his pal and say:
- Listen, you still not much left to live - let's cut off your ear
and made him an ashtray ...
He rises and answers:
- It is better to cut it to me x # j, and make a mouthpiece ...
- Many people believe that marijuana - more vodka!
- For instance, rabbits ...
Two peasants are walking dogs. They sat on a bench and watch his
pets. Here one saw in the hands of another a priborchik and
- What have you got this interesting?
- And this is my remote control dog.
- How is it?
- But look: Press the left button - it runs to the left, hit the right --
right. Now shake the middle and she would run to me!
- Eh! Why is it my Chapu fucks?!
- Whew, Shoot! Probably batteries run down!
Since the first of June on all flights of Aeroflot has banned smoking.
Those who will violate this rule during the flight, will be removed
without explanation ....
I love you.
I will remember you all my life.
I will never forget the moment when we sat opposite each other.
I could not look away from you.
You normally do not notice or just not paying attention.
Gradually, people's voices become quieter and quieter, everything disappeared,
all except you.
Our eyes met at the time.
I had enough of this, to understand how much I love you.
Emotion overwhelmed me, I wanted to tell you that I
feel, to kiss you, feel your taste.
But I could not, I just stopped and looked at you with glassy eyes,
not blinking, that you did not notice that I now pay.
Gritting his teeth to the pain, not to say that something extra.
It began two years ago.
It is unclear what, but you are something I drew ....
Perhaps, this is my child's folly did not let us become closer or your
But still, we know each other.
I must admit that if we were not closer, now I would
My can of beer ...
It is better to have a daughter - a prostitute, than a son - a policeman, thought
JH Cesta and began to have it.
Cartoon ends with "Conan". The heavens opened, and furious-prezlyuschy
snakes Seth enjoys a tornado in another dimension. "
Pope - didactic - to his son:
- This is how our Lord Jesus Christ was taken alive to heaven!
There are two friends.
- Well, you get drunk and yesterday at the funeral!
- Yes, but what I've done?
- Climbed on the table and started yelling: "I call on the perpetrator
2003. American Special Forces landed in Moscow. Withdraw all
obitaleley Kremlin on Red Square, down the line is Bush and
- The Communists, a step forward.
Nobody comes out.
- The last time I say, the Communists, a step forward!
- What are you, a Communist, Boris Abramovich? - Asked Bush.
- No, just do not want to stand alongside collaborators
There is still ongoing flooding in southern Russia. Local Doctors
Hospitals are struggling with the influx of victims.
- You bet!
- More knocks.
- More responsive.
- On the spot.
- No. Warm?
- Of the tools have not forgotten anything?
- Recalculate. All here.
- Well, colleagues, then I congratulate you on the successful outcome of the operation.
Israel began construction of the Great Wall Jewish.
The Palestinians promised to turn it into a wall sore.
- Why did you leave a previous job?
- Due to fatigue.
- What is fatigue?
- I do not know, they just told me very tired.
If you do not want to be your girl sulked over trifles, thrust her
Recommend an American to have sex regularly and he asks: "How
often? ", but the Russian did not ask, because for us on a regular basis - this
- Vladimir Vladimirovich, why do not you want to move the capital to
- You know, good to have a house in the village ...
- Vasya, why did you climbed on the table?
- Must ...
- Vasya, but why do you tie a rope to the chandelier?
- Must ...
- Vasya, but why are you the other end of the rope on a reel?
- Must ...
- Oh, Vasya, now detaches the chandelier! .. Well now I'll tell mother-?
- Will you tell her that her favorite chandelier itself fell. But instead of this new
ugly, I already bought.
Reflections of a foreigner: In Russia fences made of boards, and furniture
Social contract. We, the exploiters of working people, referred to
Later bloodsuckers, and the working people, hereafter referred to as a fool,
agreed as follows: ...
In operating the orderly running wheel in the trolley, to her under the sheets --
something shapeless, in the blood, showing a glimpse.
- Very bad case! Motorcyclist crashed to smithereens.
Surgeon (wearing gloves): - Nothing now to repair.
There is an operation. Surgeon ordered:
- Scalpel ... time ... tampon ... pliers ... screwdriver ...
key to the twelve ...
The operation is over. Opens the door operating, showing
surgeon removes the mask, wiped his brow. It is evident that he looked tired and satisfied.
- Well, the patient will live?
- Concerning the patient does not know, but I have a motorcycle assembled!
One wise man in my life been able to answer all questions. Only
One question he could not give an answer: "Why Romantsev had to go to
Japan to resign? ".
- I heard about Mike Tyson?
- Yes, the corner of the ear.
- My husband calls the "Bounty" - a heavenly delight.
- And me mother "Twix" - two fools in the same apartment.
Scientists from Harvard University found that mice reproduce
much faster if they do not prevent scientists from Harvard University.
It turns out that the great American dream - to earn more money --
have other peoples of the world!
Summary of news on TV:
- In the U.S. capital once again panic. Above the White House was spotted dove
who got excrement on the balcony of the President of the United States. In the air was
immediately raised a military fighter, who drove the pigeon.
The U.S. president was not injured, and soon left the shelter.
Wonder why the laws are not accepted at first reading? Yes, you at least
know that the majority of deputies were reading?
Advertisement in the newspaper:
"Boxer, 2 years, looking for a bride."
- Yes here, probably a misprint - 22 years.
- No, he probably two years looking for.
- Idiots - it is about dogs!
Poet in Russia is more than a poet in Japan - say anthropologists.
The couple on the southern beach. Husband - wife, tenderly as follows:
- My sun, where are my sunglasses?
- Are you happy?
- If happiness is not money, then yes!
That was long ago, when even a prize up. Received the prize guy
quarterly and cut up usrachki.
In the literal sense. Home pinned, good wife yet, panties in bath
substitution and jump in bed recovering. Here comes pious. So-lo,
saw in the bathroom outrage, the righteous for the hair on the massacre drags:
- It sho is!!
- Do not you see, whether INTO ...
- It sho, I ask thee!?!
.. And it's time women's day was, and a woman on a string of red flags
ponaveshano, dried. Well man and says:
- And it INTO - and panties flags pokazyvatsya.
- How INTO - woman taken aback - not znash INTO whether this month ...
- And this - forefinger on his trousers, - et thy mother, quarterly!