Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
Sunday television program.
10.00 - the "Under the sign PI:." (on the economic status of the country).
10.30 - "Smak" with Makarevich.
11.00 - "sang" with Pel'she.
11.30 - "Pigs" from Distiller.
12.00 - "eaten" with Yeltsin.
12.30 - application to the transfer of "peasant question" - the transfer of "What
13.00 - Live. Minister of Finance blush and say that a little
deceived the people.
13.30 - Guess the color! " (quiz for color-blinds).
14.30 - "Talk Show" (Quiz for electricians)
15.30 - "In Charge Stand up!" (show battery).
16.00 - "Love the 14 th time!" (transmission brake)
16.45 - "America with Karatsupoy (transfer to the border guards)
21.00 - concert "stepped on his throat song"
23.00 - "Evening helmet," a lullaby for the military.
24.00 - "Do not forget to turn off the TV!" (transfer to affected
In the XXII century, people will stop killing, robbing, raping and lying. For
He will do it all machine.
After hearing a joke, military personnel of different categories laugh differently.
General laughs three times: when he hears a joke, when he explained the meaning
jokes and when he understood the explanation. The senior officer also laughs three times:
when he hears a joke, when he realized the meaning and when it sees that the general
laughs. Private laughs once: when he sees that the senior
laughs. Company commander clerk does not laugh at all. Firstly, because he knows
memorized all the jokes. Secondly, to laugh in the presence of the head - it
insubordination. Thirdly, it is no good to laugh after
chief, as he, God forbid, think that you are stupid, because
begin to laugh with a delay.
Two agents of the CIA in Afghanistan, the old and young. Young asks:
- How do you think, why the Russian lost the war in Afghanistan, and we
- But they also said "We almost won ..."
Inscription says: "Katya + Misha + Semen + Jurassic + Dmitpy V. +
tovapisch Hikitin pyzhy + plumber + + Vityenka telemastep Zhopa + bastard
Redulov + does not remember the name, this long-haired, + 19 more men + man
= LOVE! "
- Girl, how long?
- It may seem a pity, but I'm not a girl ...
- Then do without these idiotic arrivals!
The school chemistry teacher checks the knowledge of the periodic table:
- Kids! If you had the opportunity to receive a gift from Santa Claus
one Shout kilogram of any chemical element or compound - that
- Gold! - Squeaked Masha. - I would then bought a Chevrolet convertible --
and all the boys for me to run!
- Platinum - solid boomed Peter - it is much more expensive than gold - I'd
then bought the latest model of Ferrari - and all the girls in our
would have been mine.
The teacher smiled and asked Little Johnny. He thought for a moment and quietly
- And I would ask a little silicone.
- But why? - Surprised the teacher.
- Hmm ... Why ... Look at my sestruhi of silicone just a two
small bag, and all the cool cars of the city - her!
Recent sociological research.
53% of women aged 16 to 29 years at least once a day thinking about sex.
By contrast, men 53% of the day thinking about sex with a woman from 16 to 29 years.
Two drug addict:
- Recently tried Shift-Ins ....
- And how is it?
- Inserts ....
Gennady Zyuganov, Gennady Seleznev, and sharply negative attitude to
statement that the Communists have bad genes.
- What is your wonderful child! This is a nice boy
or ugly girl?
Council's wife. Do not you ppigotovit lunch - symey least ppigotovit
to etomy myzha.
Ivan dypak ppishel to tsapyu and govopit:
- I promised you ppinesti golovy dpakona. So here it is.
- And I, Vanya, I promise you pyky ppintsessy. So here it is.
Pinocchio comes to school with a billet under his arm:
- Parents are called?
There are two buddies.
- What are you so sad?
- Why, now, the reception went to a shrink. I mean, I
never anything in life really did not, and I thought that this
the result of low self-esteem. So I decided to turn to
- What is it?
- And he declared to me that the reason for all my failures - not understatement, and
Gurieva saleswoman from the city Krizhopil suffers from chronic
sleep. She works in a grocery store and daily sleep enough
5-6 kg of flour and cereal products ...
The man, exhausted from the burdens of the world, cried to the Lord:
- Lord, what is going on? All around lies, theft, drunkenness,
dirt, slovenliness! Lord, why do not you navedesh order
not rid the world of evil, not for justice?
Heaven opened and he heard the voice of God:
- Man, just be honest, you work like?
- No, - confessed man.
- I created you in His own image. Now, understand?
(C) Robinson of Odessa
They sit two guys, one tells the other about the sad fate
Freddie Mercury (lead singer of "Queen"), who died of AIDS
(Rudolf Nureyev whether it infected, whether he Rudolf):
- Freddie Mercury was very generous to their lovers. To one he gave
smart car, another - schoolroom apartment, arranged on the third
excellent work. And when Freddie Mercury was in the hospital with a diagnosis
"AIDS", none of them do not even come to see him ...
The second guy indignantly:
- Here 3.14darasy!
U.S. Congressmen have gone to Indian reservations,
to ask the local leader of the future of the United States.
Injun stared at the white man and then said:
- Take care of migration. At one time, we missed this problem ...
Taken from http://www.vesti7.ru/news?id=696
Poor intellectual came home drunk. Unholy row
with his wife. Well he was very sorry - do not understand, do not like. Waved another glass,
and decided to engage with all this mess. He opened the window, stood on
then flies wife. Instantly assessing the situation, said:
- You would even debris from a conquered!
How parents respond to the question of the baby, where did I get?
Stork has brought you in his beak (Russia)
God has left you on the top of Mount Sinai (Israel)
Found you in a vat of lard (Ukraine)
We kupyly tebya in the market for ogromnye dengi (Georgia)
You have created our scientists in a secret laboratory CIA (USA)
Do not ask stupid questions, you moron. It is better to keep your
International Committee for the production of children sent you
by mail after our persistent requests (Canada)
Worth Estonian traffic cop, past a very slow moving vehicle
- ... Pachchemu vie going backwards?
- ... Ulitstsa usskayaya, can not say rasfernutsya!
It takes half an hour, going the same Estonian, backwards, but in the opposite direction.
- ... Pachchemu vie again going backwards?
- ... Rasfernulsya!
Boy - girl when dating:
- Girl, I do not want to go to the movies and have sex?
Gets a slap in the face with the words: What do you lout!
- Well, excuse me. How do I know something that you do not like movies?
Do the same with the other, that they are going to do with you - beat the first.
For a couple suitable for soiree owner:
- Call your child's babysitter, and asked where are the steel
(A slightly out of date:)
Why Yeltsin put Chubais headed mains Russia?
Because Communism is Soviet power plus electrification,
and with the Soviet regime, Yeltsin himself wants to meet ...
Your hands have entered idiotic team and will be amputated.
- You love a woman 20 years older than you and marry her ...
- No, not that!
- Only that, Phil!
THE TRUE CAUSE OF MIDDLE EAST CONFLICT
Imagine that you - blizhevostochny baby, happy, happy
and trustingly bubbles under the warm Mediterranean sun. Then
you have enough guy and a knife ottyapyvaet piece of penis. Well, what you're after
This would apply to people?
So the reason for the continuing war - it's just COMPLEX
According to Israeli newspapers, the country has fallen sharply the demand for monthly
tickets. Bus companies recommend that passengers in order to
savings to buy tickets only at one end.
I've got it, Vladimir Pankratov.
Plane takes off. In the salon hostess goes:
- Dear passengers! Welcome to our airline.
Our plane was manned by first-class pilot, honored master
- Hello, a free doctor!
- Hello, hopelessly ill patient!
Do not eat what you like, not to recover.
Do not drink and do not smoke, so as not to spoil the complexion.
Before the fuck, think carefully: not whether you get pregnant?
And all this to you about was a certain type, which you all
life going to feed what he likes. He would smoke and
get drunk, but look very attractive to other women.
And besides, his whole life he will fuck anyone wants when he wants and
wants, and never pregnant!
In connection with the military coup in Venezuela stopped shooting the TV series
"Love and deceit." Housewives all over the world in mourning, they did not
learn from someone pregnant Maria Lopez :-)
Bin Laden phoned Arafat.
- Tell me one thing. I am a terrorist and you are a terrorist.
My people have killed several thousand innocent people and yours.
But I was looking for all the world, for my head a reward,
but you all love it and even gave the Nobel Prize. Why?
- And I kill only Jews.
Turns to his mother-in-law:
- Mom and I have for you a gift.
- What, son?
- Do you leave on the nose. I bought you a great vacation in Israel.
Go, rest, take a bus ride to Jerusalem ...
(C) Robinson of Odessa
- Hello, Vasya, is that you?
- Yes I am.
- Vasya, I am pregnant.
- Wrong number ...
Sitting at Brighton two typical Odessa grandmother. Conversation:
- Well in America! They give me a pension, food stamps, 8th program ...
Even grapefruit I came here!
- Well, how many times to talk! No grapefruit, and boyfriend.
- Grandpa, grandmother want?
- And what is it?
- Pleasant appearance, understand politics, interested in culture,
cares about the health of others, gives advice on cooking different dishes,
knows a lot of jokes and ... There are other delights ..
- And what, pimp?
- What do you ... I am the distributor of the newspaper "Grandma".
- Why do some people have to bravely bear the cross?
- Because they are afraid to put him on his career.
A guy complains to his friend:
- "But once I had everything: money, luxury home, merci, beautiful
woman who I really liked. And all that I lost in the
- And what happened?
- Yes, a goat told this to my wife!
A pregnant woman, telling her husband that they will have a second child,
beckons the first child and asks him:
- Soon you will have a brother. How do you want it to be?
- It is advisable not to red, like Uncle Kolya.
It was in one family, two sons, twins, one of which was dumb, that
very frustrated parents. Suddenly, the father learns that in a distant
city living a very cool doctor that can help his child. Father then
hand, takes with them a child, and they sent a plane to the city.
In the plane kind of old woman she begins to stroke the child on the head, all
- Oh, what a good boy!
In the end, the child is tired ... and suddenly he says:
- Grandma, get away from me!
Mad with joy his father on arrival in the city sends wife
telegram: "The son said before the visit to the doctor." After a
time his wife sends a response: "The ass, asshole, idiot, you took the wrong
A man appears before the gates of paradise. There, the apostle Peter asked him:
- Ivan Sidorov.
God looks at the computer and says:
- You do not exist in the list, so that the place for you in hell.
Sent man in hell. It features, check it on the computer, too
announces that it is not in the list and sent him to purgatory. But there
his name is not in the list, and he explained that withdrawal had
only one - to reincarnate. What reincarnate at this time
can only be a cockroach or a chicken, other "jobs" no. Guy
chooses the second option and immediately turns into a henhouse. There he
asked in chickens:
- I've recently reincarnated and you got there. What should I do here?
- Lay eggs.
- And how? I never had this not worked.
- To do this, to push as much as possible. Well, come on!
Then came a voice:
- Wan, wake up, you crap the bed!
Russian: "You have how many spoons of sugar?"
Jew: "You have how many spoons of sugar, one or two?"
Old Jew: "Do you want to spoons of sugar?"
The last words of a pig at the factory: "I SAUSAGE!"
Web magazine VokrugSmeha.ru "- http://vokrugsmeha.ru
- And you would buy a condom with the emblem of MicroSoft?
- I - no.
- Yes, because it can make unauthorized operation and will be
minimized in most inappropriate for this moment!
In the Stone Age hunting was a sacred act, surrounded in mystery and
hidden from the eyes of the uninitiated. But even then there were nincompoops who
whole process of drawing on the walls ...
After an unsuccessful attempt to sex is not a very young couple lying in bed.
- My dear, do you remember what day?
- I remember 30 years from the date of our wedding.
- And why do not congratulate me?
- I tried, but you see that did not work.
- Well, at least, words ...
- Fuck you!
- Look, grandson, there's going tu-tu!
- What are you, Grandma, this is a motorcycle IZH, the volume of a cylinder 175 cubic