Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
Lunch, two alien. Suddenly, one asks another:
- Listen, some countries are now eating. What is it?
- Simple human flesh.
- You what! Crazy! According intergalactic laws are forbidden to eat
- Calm down. This is not a rational creature. He's grabbed the paltry five points.
Sociologists N-Skog Institute have discovered a curious fact. If a certain
phrase, "Be easy, and people irresistibly towards you" the word "easily" be replaced by
"richer", it will be more consistent with the observed
The owner of the Scottish firm said its staff:
- This year you all have worked well, and the company's revenues have grown. For this
each will receive a check for twenty pounds. If you're just as good
work in the next year, I'll sign the checks.
Dating Agency Tambov light upon you a reliable companion.
Sale of natural honey in the package (hive, a bee).
The gallant young man, helping the girl up:
- Oh Beautiful stranger! How I envy the ice on which you are
- It is better to be envied Vaska, who I fuck!
Canada - birthplace of hockey. Translated from English.
10 reasons why hockey is better than sex:
1. The law does not prohibit the deal with hockey professionally.
2. Washer always hard.
3. Protective funds can be used repeatedly. Do not even
for the wash.
4. It takes a whole hour.
5. You know that you are finished, when the siren sounded.
6. Your parents are sick of you, when you kick.
7. Periods lasted 20 minutes.
8. You can easily tell their friends about their achievements.
9. You can do this at least twice a week.
10. Two-in-one or three-in-one - a common phenomenon.
Ad in the flyer, which is available in Schelkovo.
"You are young and elegant? Want to work abroad? In Mongolia
required fitters asphalt.
Night, the doorbell.
- This man, hiding!
Middle of the room with the statue of outstretched hands.
Lover jumps up and freezes.
Husband laid in bed and asleep.
Half an hour later a terrible roar and a voice:
- Well, you're heavy shit!
- Children have?
- Well, if you catch ...
The inscription in the elevator:
Do not write in the elevator, please, we're not skating on your toilet bowls.
- I go into the army can not!
- The belief!
- What are these beliefs?
- And I am convinced that I do not like it!!
After 30 years after the launch, NASA experts have yet to establish
communication with the space station's Pioneer 10, which is now
distance of 12 billion kilometers from Earth. Scientists have sent a signal to
Friday radio, Situated in the desert east of
Los Angeles. After 22 hours 6 minutes radio telescope in Spain received
According to researchers, a response signal was strong and pure and consisted of
simple set of characters: idite nahyi!!
- Now is the time to explain the Ukraine, Byelorussia why has teamed up with
Russia! You know, sometimes it's better to eat than to show off ...
- It's ridiculous to think: probormochesh few words with full consciousness
and you're already married.
- Exactly. A probormochesh few words in his sleep - and you've already beaten and
Why do people in contrast to the computers do not like binary system
Because a bottle of vodka for 64 rubles in the binary system will cost
1 000 000.
Taxi Driver in court asked:
- Why did you kill your wife?
- I came home I was on the gas, shake on the fi-fa, and then the wife opens the door and
poloborota start. Well, I told her to ratchet flywheel drove, and she
leak to the door and rolled petered out ...
Russia's breeders crossed with a cherry watermelon.
Cherry to the limit like a watermelon, but no taste - it is acidic
not the size - it is small, and not the color - it is red, and the number
- Creeping up and abruptly broke into the storeroom, if it has four fighters and
all shook - then, gamblers, and if three of them and shuddered - then,
alcoholics, and if the two and also shook - then, queers, and if one and
not shook - so it DEMBELE Kimaro.
Sale dog. Gender not stated, but I do not want to talk about it either
one bad word.
- Tell me, you hurt a child?
- Yes. Gastritis.
- And how you cured?
Reporter conducts interviews with elderly women:
- Tell me why you in my life so never once married?
- Because I had a dog who kept growling and barking, parrot
who just did that matter, a fireplace, which was smoking, and the cat,
who was walking at night. The question is, why with all this needs a husband?
An experienced psychiatrist tells the story from the life of his young colleague:
- "I had one patient with delusions of grandeur. Once he even wanted to
commit suicide by shooting himself in the head, but ... it is this obsession of his and
- I realized: he must have thought that such an "important person", as he
- No, he just shot at 15 cm above their heads.
- Well and debauchery! - Said the worm, he saw a plate of spaghetti.
All eagerly awaited presidential address-2002.
President has sent all ... And in the same direction and in 2001 ...
Has been released a new series of books on programming:
1 st book "Java for Beginners
2-I Book "Java to continue"
3rd book "Java for teaching to '
There is a Jew in Tel Aviv, the central Dizengoff Street. Passing
large store, he said aloud: "Crap country!"
Guard heard it enough in his arms and dragged to the police. Finds there
officer and tells him:
- In such a difficult time for the country, where such a complicated situation
around, we must be united, particularly those of the villain in
place, out loud, said such a thing! What is it! He whole country
insults! He should be fine!
The officer listened to the guard, agreed with him:
- Indeed, this is what is, at a time, so our situation,
and you say such things! Do you have something to say in their
The Jew says:
- Yes, indeed, I was walking down the street and walked past the shop, said
aloud "shitty country!" Only at that moment I thought of Switzerland!
The officer turns to the guard:
- And why you dragged him here? It was the man thinking of his own, and you do
caught, humiliated, led to the police. Here are my time-consuming.
To us, you're just never thought duril, here's a fine of 200 shekels.
Go to the bank - pay.
Completely ohrenevshy guard goes along with the Jews on the street and
said to him:
- This is what happens? You're walking down the street and said aloud "Crap
country! "I brought you to the police, and Teber I have to pay
Fine - 200 shekels? "
- Dak what you wanted? Crap country!
- Doctor, I could not pronounce the letter "h".
- Why, even very good mention.
- Not chovchem.
The doctor returned to his office and said patient waiting for him:
- Sorry, that made you wait so long.
- Nothing, nothing, just a pity that you did not find my illness more
Hit parade from the "Pit-stop-FM up to the Grand Prix of Malaysia:
5 th place - unfortunate Rubens Barrichello with the song
"Bird oblaminga I got"
4 th place - no more happy with the hit David Coulthard
"Not long will drive his McLaren ..."
3rd place - Hooligan Pablo Montoya with scornful popular rhymes
"Mishka, Mishka, where your front spoiler?"
2 nd place - himself Mishka Schumacher complained
"I have a mountain - Montoya crashed into me!"
Finally, the winners - Ralf Schumacher and his fleet-footed Williams --
"Not gonna get us!"
One programmer - Other:
- That's imagine: you have 1000 rubles ... Or, for a round accounts
let you in 1024 ...
Tverskaya Street. By plyugavenkomu unprepossessing little man suits
prostitute and gently says:
- Well, Honey, what do you want? Hour - 50 bucks, all night --
Peasant so thoughtfully:
- 200, say ... Well come on, I kind of money come in handy!
On the way scampish Putin enmeshed confused.
- Why Odessans winter white and black in summer? But not guessed! --
Sunburn nothing to do with. Just spring from Odessa, along with heating
cut off and hot water.
(C) Robinson of Odessa
Subway, rush-hour. In the crowd yelling guy:
- Help! My son accidentally choked dimes! He's dying!
Through the crowd squeezes a fat aunt, grabs a kid by the balls
and compresses them terribly! The poor guy from the pharynx flies five rubles
and the cry of "A-ah-ah-ah-ah !!!!!" Father with respect:
- Wow! You're probably in the ambulance work? ..
- No. In the tax.
In the family of M. and J. updating again - the light there were two identical
twins. Doctors reassured her father, promising a month to attach to each of
kids on the missing testicle.
Take the example of Sasha. He walked from his childhood as a diplomat, and became
diplomat. And what did you go with a knapsack ...
KVN "Azerbaijan character"
Diploma in technical colleges. Replica of places:
- And your scheme will not work.
- How not to be? Yes, she has worked for three years.
- Hmm ...
After the defense:
- And yet your scheme will not work.
- And it does not work.
- Hello! This is phone sex?
- No! Huyak-with the drum!
The man was late for work. Chief asks:
- Why are you late?
- On the evening painted the floor, got up in the morning - stuck his feet until his feet
tore - hands stuck until his hands tore - neighbor came
until a neighbor tore at work late.
I went to the boy on the riverbank and began to spy for naked women. But
Suddenly disaster struck: the boy fell into a river. But since a bad fall - when
tried to escape, broke two ribs, tore on thorny branches that grew
on the shore, shirt, sewn maternal hands, tore his pants, that
borrowed from his father, besides lost a hundred rubles, which gave him
He left the boy in town, healed rib, went to work, started many
earn - and bought the mother lots of shirts, my father bought
many, many pairs of pants, but for grandparents have collected a thousand rubles.
... Meanwhile, naked women came and went.
Whatever genius your doctor, hemorrhoids, he will still be treated
- But UFOlogy - is science or religion?
- It's business!
- So, the match begins, the gates of our team, Alexander Filimonov --
hence, goals will be.
From the reports the agency Spletni.vru
Module in orbit a new commercial satellite with two cosmonauts
on board and three tourists behind.
If Arab terrorists shouted "Allah akbar!", The Israelis should
shouting "Allah mastday!"
New Russian saw a homeless person, who asked for alms.
- Well, bro, can not so, what are you doing, you can not earn?
- Of course, I want to earn money, give me a job - even a janitor.
- OK, man. Search partner and tomorrow at exactly 8 - on the windshield
The roads we are getting better. Tanks no longer stuck.
- Waiter, that you gave me? This is called tea? What is the urine?
- I do not know, we employ more than fifty employees!
Girl on a date:
- Are you with someone to kiss me?
- No, that's you! Only once, and then the people who yell