Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes

New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
For TV ad video:
Football field, the flag of Russia, is triumphant music.
Appears portrait Gazzayev.
Voice-over:
"You have not won in football?" Then we're going to see you! "
Joke #9530 —  
 
0
 
Ad in the newspaper:
Yesterday, 60 th year of life, died director of the largest Moscow
theater Rainbow VP Zagorulko. Farewell to the deceased will be
at 10:00, 12:00, 15:30, 18:00 and 22:00.
Joke #9528 —  
 
0
 
Half an hour secretary Tyulkina tried to remove an unnecessary stop at the end
business letter in Word. Changed the layout of text, a long iron to knpoku
"Delete" - to no avail. Later it turned out that it is just shrimp
on the monitor.
Joke #9527 —  
 
0
 
From a conviction for a prostitute:
- "Overplayed its hand"
Joke #9526 —  
 
0
 
- Darling! I love you as much as we love to women's lives only once!
- Oh This is great :))))
- Do not miss the opportunity this time ...
Joke #9525 —  
 
0
 
Released in the new film by the famous Swedish
director-postmodernist.
The film tells about the boy's struggle with their children's fears and
called "Johan and a woman.
Joke #9523 —  
 
0
 
Calls Putin to his Kasyanov and sternly said:
- Put before you the task within three years to double GDP.
Kasyanov stood at the counter and says:
- Tomorrow morning to try to do!
.... Putin surprised
- Well ... OK, let's see. Until tomorrow.
The next day comes in the Kremlin, Vladimir Vladimirovich, comes in
his office.
Views and sits in his chair ... Another Putin.
EVM
Joke #9522 —  
 
0
 
- Mom, tomorrow I have control!
- Do not worry, son - now all repeat. The capital of Germany?
- Berlin.
- The capital of France?
- Berlin. Mom, let's something more complicated.
- The capital of Poland?
- Berlin.
- What are you my clever, Adolf!
SS.
Joke #9521 —  
 
0
 
It is drunk guy near the female toilets and presses the button
light switch. Suitable woman and says:
- Man, you seem to be in the men's room, you are mistaken!
The man shakes his head, said:
- Uh-uh.
Woman again:
- Man, you're wrong, you need the men's room!
Guy again:
- Uh-uh.
Woman indignantly:
- Man, you need ...
A man interrupts her and, weaving, said:
- Come and get lost, you fool, I'm an electrician-ik.
Joke #9520 —  
 
0
 
Every woman - an enigma. Never guess how many did she
cost ...
Semen
Joke #9519 —  
 
0
 
- Allez! Is that sex tefonu?
- No. Why do you think that?
- Yes, I zae @ alsya you call!
Joke #9518 —  
 
0
 
And another gay club - "In the back - forward"
Joke #9517 —  
 
0
 
The motto of feminists: do not teach grandmother to suck eggs!
Joke #9516 —  
 
0
 
- Doctor, my girlfriend likes of Elvis Presley ...
- So what? I am also his fan.
- Yes, but she always goes to his concerts ...
Joke #9515 —  
 
0
 
The wolf ate the grandmother, dressed in her clothes, lay in her bed ...
But Gray had no idea that her grandmother is a gambler grandfather! ..
Joke #9514 —  
 
0
 
They invented a new computer virus. He finds the user in Cuba
and North Korea and with their addresses sends a message that they do not agree with
party policy. After that users find and put into prison for 10 years.
Joke #9513 —  
 
0
 
We came to a consensus, but he was not expecting us!
Joke #9512 —  
 
0
 
Reporter asks questions of the President of Tatarstan:
- Mintimir Shaymievich, could you govern Russia?
- Certainly, could!
- A European Union?
With some thinking:
- Could!
- A whole world?
- No, could not, the relatives will not suffice.
Joke #9511 —  
 
0
 
- Why is the symbol of the party in power a pro-Putin "United Russia"
a bear?
- Because appointing Putin as his successor, Yeltsin has Russia
disservice.
Joke #9510 —  
 
0
 
The Prime Minister announced GDP growth of 7%. A couple of years, and GDP will succeed
judo to basketball.
Joke #9509 —  
 
0
 
Book Kuchma, Ukraine - not Russia "was published in Russian
entitled "Kuchma - not Putin.
Joke #9508 —  
 
0
 
Puny little man asked the clerk at the hotel to the universe:
- Tell me a bed in your hotel strong enough?
Surprised by the hotel clerk, measuring the peasant look:
- Yes ... But why, you ask?
Guy with a heavy sigh:
- Lord ... You have no idea what I have bad dreams ...
Joke #9507 —  
 
0
 
The new Russian suit sitting, and socks - priceless!
(C) Robie
Joke #9506 —  
 
0
 
Mom says her daughter:
- Daughter, you first go to a meeting with a young man. In you
everything should be fine: and clothing, and cosmetics, and underwear ...
- But my mother - her daughter is responsible - I met him the first time. What
difference, what I will have underwear?
- At your age I was not such a pessimist - sadly sighed mother.

Vova.
Joke #9505 —  
 
0
 
- What does the name Chelsea?
- Abbreviation: Chukotka Jew, famously buying up players
Joke #9504 —  
 
0
 
He invited Professor graduate student to his home, to work on
dissertation. Worked, then drank a little, then another. Postgraduate
relaxed and well ... In general, they have sinned. In the morning, Professor, slightly
tormented conscience, turns to his ward:
- Do not be angry at me for what I am ... well, that I used, so
say, the moment?
- You bet! Of course I am angry, especially because the moment ...
Joke #9503 —  
 
0
 
What do we expect from the Russian basketball players, even if themselves to Cart
simple hit bulls can not?
Joke #9502 —  
 
0
 
After watching the regular news about his death, Saddam Hussein
decided to send a letter to George Bush Jr., in order to dispel his
prepolozheniya about this and say that the game continues. As
only Bush opened the letter, he realized that his hands got crafty
encoding Hussein, which read as follows: `37OHSSV O773H`
Bush just shrugged and therefore handed the letter to Colin Pauelu. That
shook his head and sent a coded message from the CIA's most experienced cryptographer. Those,
reluctantly teeth, did not achieve results, and therefore forwarded the letter to the FBI,
Undeciphered where she was transferred to NASA. But nothing here
happened.
Had to call Rabinovich, who threw a single glance
a letter from Hussein, reported to Washington: Tell the president that he
holds a letter upside down!
Joke #9501 —  
 
0
 
The most protracted wedding took place in one of the mountain villages of Georgia! After
addition, as a bride to custom, was stolen, it was returned to the groom only
five years with three children ...
http://vokrugsmeha.ru
Joke #9500 —  
 
0
 
- Papa, papa, and if we can double our GDP, we will be better off?
- No, son, officials will just steal more ...
Joke #9499 —  
 
0
 
On the day of start-up in Rostov-na-Donu silent trams killing 14 elderly women ...
Joke #9498 —  
 
0
 
- Here in Germany, the streets are cleaned with soap!
- It should be zh - as they had polluted the country! ..
Joke #9497 —  
 
0
 
How, without uttering a word, to make a woman a compliment meaning that
lies in the fact that it is cheerful, energetic and looks much younger than
their years?

Not give her a place in the tram.
Joke #9496 —  
 
0
 
- And here is the picture my girl ...
- Fu-oo-oo-oo!
- What are you? Here it is, on the edge ...
- Ah-ah-ah! Another thing ... And where are you?
- ... I "Fu".
Andryukha :-)
Joke #9495 —  
 
0
 
Do not run from a sniper - you die tired.
Andryukha :-)
Joke #9494 —  
 
0
 
New campaign "Tide" - "Tide or hanging?"
Joke #9493 —  
 
0
 
That evening at dinner my father asks his daughter:
- Natasha, why did you not invite to dinner her fiance?
- Oh, papa, you know, he said that he had seen my parents and still
loves me.
Andryukha :-)
Joke #9492 —  
 
0
 
There is a lecture on chemistry. Professor holds in one hand and a flask of acid,
another - the coin of 5 marks.
- How do you think if I throw a coin into the acid, it dissolved?
Student raises his hand to the back row:
- Of course not! If the coin could be dissolved, would you take
1 pfennig!
SS.
Joke #9491 —  
 
0
 
The medical director is leading a commission on mental hospital wards.
- Here we Zhirinovsky. Takes on Wednesdays from two to five.
Here - Zyuganov. His reception in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
But Grigory Yavlinsky. Receiving only once a month from 16 to 18 hours.
- Interestingly, while Putin do you have? And when you can get through to him?
- Well, my reception is not limited!
Joke #9490 —  
 
0
 
Once upon a time there was a woman and she had a son - and with a blunt speech defect. Down,
shorter. Every morning she saw him off at the bus stop to
send to school.
But she is one tired and she says to him:
- Son, you have time to yourself to go to school. You still have 18 years
fulfilled.
- Hmm, mmam. Hodofsho.
- So you go to the bus stop alone. As you see a bus
pomashesh hand to him to stop, sit down in it and going to school.
- Hodofo, mmam.
And here comes the bus and Down waving and shouting "Aftobush, aftobush!"
but .. bus passes by. Without stopping.
Crying Down goes home to complain.
Mother:
- Do not worry, I'll write a note to the teacher, and tomorrow you will go to school.
Just go out closer to the road to the bus you saw. And then he'll
probably did not notice and drove past.
Well Down to sledeyuschee morning this way: they went to the road, waving his hand,
yells "Aftobush! aftobuf!" but "aftobush" flies past him at full
speed, not even thinking to stop. Dawn - in a trance. Go home
complain.
Mother to him:
- Do not worry, son, I'll write a note to the teacher and she
understand. But tomorrow - you must be sure to go to school! And so he
You saw the notice it - go out on the road, that he necessarily
stopped.
Well Down this way: they see - is the bus. Stray into the road, waving
both hands and shouted "Aftobush! Aftobush!" But "aftobush" and does not intend
inhibit, but rather adds gas and knocked a boy on a full
speed ....
... Police, ambulance. The challenge to stop the bus driver yells:
- What have you done?! You've just killed a guy!
Then the door opened and the bus driver says:
- A fluorine he dzaznitsa?
Joke #9489 —  
 
-1
 
She: I am the first day of singles do not give!
He: blah ... Well then at least take it?
Joke #9488 —  
 
0
 
The store man shyly turns to the woman:
- Excuse me, you are not prompt, in what department of the store
would you go if you had a thousand rubles?
- In beauty.
- Oh, thank you much! Ran to seek a wife!
Joke #9487 —  
 
0
 
Does the commandment "Thou shalt not kill!" of cockroaches and spammers?
Joke #9486 —  
 
0
 
Quality criteria for alcoholic beverages:
- If you drink comes and goes through the same hole Rights --
a falsification!
Vova.
Joke #9485 —  
 
0
 
- You have a car with the left or right while driving?
- I left the whole machine!
Joke #9484 —  
 
0
 
On September the Minister of Finance visited the fiscal College Minister
Defense - Suvorov School, Minister of Culture - Arts College,
Minister of Internal Affairs - School of werewolves.
Joke #9483 —  
 
0
 
From an order by Customs Committee:
"On the eve of the election ban for importation limits Rossiskoy Federation
wine "Bear blood."
signature Gryzlov BV "
Joke #9482 —  
 
0
 
- What is your country's GDP this year?
- The same as in the past - like downhill skiing and judo.
Joke #9481 —  
 
0
 
Russia conducted a census. Views Putin results in Moscow,
and then 10 million of the same names - Ivanov, Petrov and Sidorov.
He demanded, put on a wig and went into the street. Views Two Georgians go,
asks:
- What is your name?
- Ivanova we, but what are you hatel, daragoy?
Went on, sees two Chinese go, asks:
- What is your name?
Senior Chinese replies:
- I - Petrova, a brother May - Sidorova.
Putin was amazed, he saw an Armenian, and says:
- Listen, I know that you Ivanov, Petrov and Sidorov. And then there
someone with a different name?
- Today, no, dear. Other passports only a month will
sell. And with a different name there is only one. Some Putin.
EVM
Joke #9480 —  
 
0
 
Russia Gorbachev - a graveyard of communism.
Yeltsin's Russia - graveyard of empty bottles.
Putin's Russia - a cemetery of hopes ...
Joke #9479 —  
 
0
 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311