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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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Visitor:
- When I come to you in a bar, just remember the tale, in which
Alyonushka sister says her brother: "Do not drink, Ivanushka, kid
become!
Barman:
- We have so much booze?
- No, you have so many goats!
A. Kolomeysky
Joke #11311 —  
 
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Ministry of Health warns: light cigarettes cause lung disease and
lead to an easy death.
Joke #11310 —  
 
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- Excuse me, can you interview?
- I? Strange ... Why suddenly? I have not done anything special. Live
ordinary life - home, work. Hobbies very simple ... From what I have
interested?
- But, Mr. President ...
A. Antropov
Joke #11309 —  
 
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Soviet refrigerators from time to time experiencing explosive orgasm.
Joke #11308 —  
 
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Meeting with Comrade Stalin. Subject - insufficient pace of development
Soviet science. Bring together academics, asked what, say, the case.
- Tuk! 90% - loafers and slackers!
- So what's the problem? Let these 90% of the shoot!
- Yes to shoot something, of course, possible, but the proportion is still
continue ...
Joke #11307 —  
 
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First day of classes in American high school after. John F. Kennedy.
In fourth grade a new student - the son of poor Mexican immigrant
on behalf of Jose Martinez.
The teacher says:
- Let's start with the lesson test your knowledge of American history.
Who said: "Give me liberty or death!"?
She sees a series of dull eyes, only Jose Martinez pulled his hand up:
- That said Patrick Henry in 1775
- Well done, Jose! Class, and who said "The Government of the people, by the people
and for the people will not disappear from the face of the earth "?
Again, empty eyes, only Jose shakes his hand:
- It said Abraham Lincoln in 1863
Teacher:
- Kids, you should be ashamed! Jose, who only recently arrived
in this country, knows its history better than you!
At the gallery, someone whispered loudly enough:
- You Make a #% of Mexicans would be!
Teacher:
- Who said that?
Jose:
- Jim Bowie in 1836!
Again the voice from the gallery:
- I now feel sick!
Teacher:
- Yes! Once again I ask - who said this?
Jose:
- George Bush - Prime Minister of Japan in 1991
No joke angry, a student from the back desk screams:
- So? Solder sucker-ka you from me!
Jose downright jumps out of his chair:
- That said, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky in 1997!
On the verge of hysteria, the same student shouts:
- The little shit if you say even one word,
I'll kill you!
Jose parries:
- Gary Condit said that Chandra Levy in 2001!
(Note: U.S. congressman, accused of murdering his
beloved - the employee of his office)
The teacher fainted, all the students gathered around her,
and someone said:
- Damn it, now we will have a huge problem!
No confusion, Jose exclaims:
- Saddam Hussein in 2003!
Joke #11306 —  
 
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- Mona Lisa?
- Nuno, Leonardo.
Joke #11304 —  
 
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I feel sorry for our police officers - the most concern and dissatisfaction
people. Middle of the day, each counter ready to ask for registration.
/ / Basilisk
Joke #11303 —  
 
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There are two new Russian and another one says:
- Steep shoes, kid, how much cost?
- Yes, so-so, 1 000 $ - otvechat that.
- Yeah, sure, but what they are made?
- From a small alligator, but I look and you have good shoes,
how many bucks?
- 10 000 $
-?? Well, you give, dear, you know.
- And they are from a big p @ @ dy made.
- Well, bro, then the order - because they are in life not tear!
Vaska
Joke #11302 —  
 
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- Doctor, why do I all go?
- Did you remove the saddle ...
Joke #11301 —  
 
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There are two friends:
- Well, how was your wedding night?
- Yes, so ... There has been one drawback.
- What happened?
- Oh, nothing ... Just one drawback was my place.
Joke #11300 —  
 
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Visitor:
- Do you here that the club alcoholics anonymous?
Barman:
- Why do you think that?
- Because I'm one of them did not know!
A. Kolomeysky
Joke #11299 —  
 
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There is a dispute with a Christian Buddhist.
Christian:
- Yes, your reincarnation - complete sneeze. In recent
fifty years of Earth's population has grown by one billion. Where
embarked so many new souls?
Buddhist:
- Have you considered how many oaks were cut down during this time?
(C) Robie
Joke #11298 —  
 
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Visitor:
- I always put in his pocket a note with the address in the event that the
If I were drunk and bring home.
- And what are you writing?
- Paris, Boulevard Montmartre ...
- But you live in Chelyabinsk!
- I live in Chelyabinsk. But a couple of times transported still in Paris!
A. Kolomeysky
Joke #11297 —  
 
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Comes, then, in the cafe's family: husband, wife and their son.
Sit at the table, a waitress approaches him, all the attention.
Husband, looking at the menu, asked his wife:
- What are you going, dear?
- Soup - responsible wife.
- Well, what do you want a fat chump? - He says to his son.
The waitress, surprised by such a harsh treatment, asks:
- Why do you talk with your son?
To which the father responds:
- Did you know you need a man to be fully happy?
- No, - she says.
- And have him - he continued - three things: first - a big
and a beautiful house, you see there on the hill outside the big house?
This is mine. Second, you need a man - a good road car
So you see there, in the parking lot, the jeep - it is mine. And third, you need --
is a small, narrow pussy. And I have it was not yet born
this fathead.
Joke #11296 —  
 
0
 
- Have you been familiar with this girl?
- Yes, so-so ... A couple of times.
Joke #11295 —  
 
0
 
Bank of black caviar - is not born, hundreds of sturgeons, and Bank of squash
- Total number of deaths courgettes. I, as an honest man, always
choose the lesser evil.
Joke #11294 —  
 
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- With a vehicle associated your husband?
- From "Ferrari". Too fast and mug red ...
Joke #11293 —  
 
0
 
After work on the planned replacement of power cable Brigade
Installers of SMU-4 a week walking on all cylinders.
Alex.
Joke #11292 —  
 
0
 
While some are united in the Party of Life, the bulk
population has long joined the party SURVIVAL.
Bespartiyny
Joke #11291 —  
 
0
 
Roman Abramovich became governor of Chukotka, got himself a harem
from the Chukchi women and prints frost Jews.
Joke #11290 —  
 
0
 
From the reports:
Yesterday the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City after the ski
relay team returned to the team in Estonia.
Joke #11289 —  
 
0
 
News of the day:
U.S. marines guarding the Iraqi National Museum
other marauders.
Joke #11288 —  
 
0
 
Shevardnadze was lying on the floor, head and shoulders tucked under the sofa. Above it
are special forces soldiers and light kicking propose to get out. That
agrees only after assurances that he would not Amin and his not shoot me.
- Allow - Edward Ambrosievich indignant risen - and that you
Then there are doing and what right ???!!! Shot guards
captured the town, disarmed the army entered the army! What is it?
- Tuk - responsible commander - you said a month ago that it has
accurate data about Iraq's possession of WMD and agreed to provide
territory and airspace to attack coalition forces on onomu?
- Said.
- A saying that is not afraid of retaliation by Iraqi forces
Georgia?
- Well said.
- Well, they hit.
- What nach ... Iraqis, you're a Russian, with typical Ryazan 'heads.
- And we have power of attorney.
Joke #11287 —  
 
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Woman sitting, chatting with a friend. Rushes daughter in tears:
- Mom, mom - my boys in the yard called ass! - And runs out.
Woman bitterly complained:
- It's always - Zabierzow, properdit something - and ran away.
Joke #11286 —  
 
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- Yesterday I had a parachute jump. So stremno!
- Right to say "no stremno" - and "extreme.
- This is when the parachute opened - extreme, and before that, oh, oh you know
as stremno!
Joke #11285 —  
 
0
 
Cheers! Now Russia's pasta exported to Italy!
...
This occurs within the sanctions imposed on Italy, the European Parliament.
Joke #11282 —  
 
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Women thought long wanted to get into the male head ... And she
finally flies there, happy .. And nobody is there. Empty.
She looks around and sees in the distance flying male thought.
Women calling men's thoughts, she flies ...
Women thought says:
- I so wanted to get here .... And then there is none?
Men thought her answers:
- Oh, you fool! We have all the bottom tusuemsya ...!
Joke #11281 —  
 
0
 
U.S. State Department said the success in the search for Iraqi weapons of mass
lesion. If found in the private apartments at the airport slippers
Saddam Hussein can only be deemed to be a certain degree of chemical
weapons, the machine of pure gold is certainly a weapon
of mass destruction. All who saw him were completely amazed.
Mis
Joke #11280 —  
 
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Blair, after news of the downed missile Patriot British aircraft
calls Bush.
- Dzhorzhik, and you know that the war for American independence long
ended?
Joke #11279 —  
 
0
 
A drunken husband late at night, returning from the hunt. He met his wife.
He puts in front of her two bags.
- Wife. I've shot a moose and a duck. Duck, bitch, all the way, quack,
only recently shut up!
The wife takes a sack.
- It's not a duck. This is a crow. And not quacks because they died!
Husband:
- Now you know why the elk no longer matter.
Joke #11277 —  
 
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There is Bush, Blair to meet him.
Blair:
- Christ is risen!
Bush:
- What is the x .. Christ, Saddam is alive!
Joke #11276 —  
 
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- Mrs Powell, it's true that your husband is isolated in a madhouse?
- True. But not as a patient, but on the instructions of the State Department. In fact,
that there are six George Bush and a dozen of Saddam Hussein.
Colin must determine which of them present.
Brand
Joke #11275 —  
 
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Iraq. Guide, pointing koalokomanduyuschemu General Tommy Franks
the panorama of Baghdad:
- This town is being constructed twelve hundred years ...
Tommy Franks (interrupting):
- I have no doubt. Our builders are the same lazy.
Flag
Joke #11274 —  
 
0
 
Ukraine introduced a new road sign "ROAD" to convince
suspicious.
(c) Robie
Joke #11273 —  
 
0
 
Program "Exodus" God has written, and compiled Moses.
Allbug
Joke #11272 —  
 
0
 
Do people do not lie so much as before the election, during the war
and after the hunt.
(c) Bismarck
Joke #11271 —  
 
0
 
Super-share stake in Coca-Cola to extremes:
"After every seventh bottle lid on you!"
Joke #11270 —  
 
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Who was seriously ill:
- Doctor, tell me the truth, I have SARS?
- What are you my dear, we did tests, there is no reason
concern. Two days later three of you will die quite trivial
a typical pneumonia.
(C) Robie
Joke #11268 —  
 
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Pioneer combine threshed a record number of combine harvesters. Evening
comes to him two colleagues, less successful in harvesting. People
sad.
- What happened? - Asked the leading article.
- How do you not heard? You have the same grief.
- What is grief?
- Here, drink this, so it became easier.
Drank.
- So what happened? - Asked combiner.
- Such grief ... No, I can not force you to say. Let's have another drink ...
And so a few times. Finally, as a lord drunk leader-mutters:
- Guys, do not tomite more. What is there for me happened?
- Ah, - meet its competitors .- Such grief ... Now your TV
come to shoot, and you both get drunk.
http://ph.by.ru
Joke #11267 —  
 
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Conversation two doctors proctologist.
- You know, I think from our departmen megalomania. Yesterday I
and said: "Come, I'm moving evening in the church, God put out the candle."
Joke #11266 —  
 
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Wife came to visit her husband in prison and asked how he is
live.
- Actually not bad. True, there are given, as cat laugh, but in
Anyway do not have to wash the dishes.
Joke #11265 —  
 
0
 
- Why in Arizona a lot of vultures, and many lawyers in Washington?
- Arizona has selected the first.
Joke #11263 —  
 
0
 
Advertisement:
"From prison offender escaped by jumping 12-foot wall. Specials
features: a flat face, flat body, flat feet ... "
Joke #11262 —  
 
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- Vasya, give a condom!
- No me, leave me alone!
- Well, John, Joe, no miser!
- I went to the p. ..!
- Yes, I have just come from there, not there either!
Joke #11261 —  
 
0
 
Announcement: Propane policeman. Distinguishing features: tall, slender, smart,
Outstanding polite, attentive, does not take bribes.
Joke #11260 —  
 
0
 
Alexander Lukashenko said that he was tired of being president.
The coronation is scheduled for Thursday.
Joke #11259 —  
 
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Olya and Anya always wanted to visit the Tretyakov Gallery.
But they had enough money only on beer.
Joke #11258 —  
 
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Stops traffic cop car and says:
- Pay a fine.
Driver:
- For what?
GAI:
- This passage is prohibited.
Driver:
- So in fact there is no prohibition signs!
GAI:
- What do you want to hang signs everywhere now!
Joke #11257 —  
 
0
 
Buddhism - between a strong thing. Follower of the religion can not hurt
even the small insect.

This is the answer, why Buddhism in northern Russia somehow never caught on --
mosquito with .....
Joke #11256 —  
 
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