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Call on the radio.
- Hello! My name is Kate and I wish her supervisor,
that Santa Claus gave him in the New Year cart condoms.
-??? You probably want your boss a lot of sex in the new year?
- No, I wish that this idiot will not multiply!
- Something is not heard the group was "Otpetye crooks!
- Otpelis! Sit!
Chinese Hacked Pentagon website, each tried one password.
Abram Shapiro managed to escape from Nazi Germany and went to the United States. With
pleasure he walks around New York: there are no benches, just
the Aryans ", there are no institutions which would have been denied entry to Jews.
He wanted to oranges. He comes into the store and on his bad
- Oranges, please. (Oranges, please).
- For juice? (For the juice? (Homonym: For the Jews?))
- Fuck, again!
Hm, well, foggy same ideas you have about the Albion ...
From the newspaper "Vesti"
- Look at the eighth floor of the kiss!
- Yes, great! They have a woman ....
- What do a blonde and the Internet?
- A lot of users.
- As the son of a call?
- Hmm ... Weird sounds, especially with the middle name: Saratov Dneprovich ...
Fag sits in a trench and admires nature - what a beautiful birch, which
clear creek, a beautiful blue sky .... only huyakt!
Near fagot bomb explodes. In short, birch vomited, became a trickle
turbid, and the sky did not see - one of the smoke. Pedik came to, all
saw the grenade takes two fingers, little finger of his left hand
pulls the pin, throw a grenade at the enemy and shouting squeaky
- Get! Poo!
Earlier, when people thought the earth was flat, they bought in stores
globes and flatten them ...
- Dad, what a paradox?
- Well, it's just, my son: for example, hours can go when lie
and stand when hanging.
Why program buggy
Orthodoxy - renovationism
Glitches cease as soon as the program will be transferred from
Internal Julian calendar to the secular and the code rewritten
modern Russian language.
Orthodoxy - monarchism
All bugs intrigues zhidomasonov. Programmers from the Danilov Monastery --
ecumenists and secretly sympathize with them. But soon the holy
Elder-programmer open world Godchosen Program-redeemer, and
it will save the Members area, have withstood the apostasiynymi interfaces
mira this, but zhidomasonov and ecumenists plunge in the Recycle Bin.
Orthodoxy - popular
When a glitch occurs, must, my dear, first thing sprinkle
Computer saint little water, light a candle Nicolet-saint but cactus
front of him put to diabolical power of a computer
povytyanul. And if no cactus, then a shot of vodka come down. Then read
three times akathist Virgin, three times around a turn around, but not
right, dear, and left, and then the prayer is a force will lose, and say:
chur-chur-chur begone satanic power in the damp earth mother, through podpolitsu,
through podkletitsu through podrebitsu. Turn off the computer and then for three days
and three nights, but not previously included, not the bug eats the whole propeller.
Statism - official
Yes, last year in Russia programs were selected
glitches, which violate the consensus of all the users, grouped around
Programmer in strengthening the code vertically. Thanks to the efforts
testerskih our offices, we know, as a consequence of these bugs are.
They were the result of hackers' actions of the representatives of separatism,
extremism, nationalism and global terrorism. But let hackers not
think that the programmer and his Coders cease their relentless
combat glitches. Next year we set ourselves to achieve
equidistance of all the bugs of the programs, and we, my dear nick, this
achieve goals. The key to this - a high rating of our programmer.
Congratulations You have passed Windows. Start a new game?
From the newspaper "Vesti"
- So. I advised that patients with bronchitis warm clothing ...
- Well and correctly.
- ... So he, bitch, care and picked up my jacket.
- Where are we going to hang this picture? - Asked the husband.
- Here on this wall - his wife answered. - Hammer and nails - in the box.
Bandages and iodine - in the medicine cabinet.
As a child my mother plaited into a braid flower. It was very beautiful, but too
painful hit on the back with a clay pot ...
Where are all the same Santa lives? And how he manages to do so
- Judging from where he made most of his gifts, can be safely
that he lived in China. With nearly a billion elves, he is not worth much
Labor to provide gifts to the entire population of the planet.
Long was Ivan Tsarevich the woods .. and cried a ringing voice. Surely, I thought
extinct princess in the world .. Nobody called, only met a red fox,
for by running past ... writing, thinks Ivan, though the fox fuck .. caught,
fuck .. a fox on the hit onto the ground, and the sparrow turned .. well,
Ivan .. is a reason .. catch somewhere .. He turned clear and falcon
launched into the skies blue, long tormented. caught up with the sparrow and
fuck ... and little sparrow fell to the water, and turned into a gold fish .. well,
Ivan thinks .. I got .. be gradually completed by the end of it .. He turned
toothed piranhas, and raced in pursuit .. here it had to sweat,
long time he sailed the oceans of the sea, caught up, so fucked ....
quickly tale told, but not fast it is ...
Ivan has decided not to rest on our laurels, but to fuck a strange
creation, while maiden will not work. And have you .. God only
50 years of his wife. Husband gets up and toasts:
- I want to drink is not for your 50, when you like sour soup, not for your 40
when you were strong as brandy, not for your 30 when you were a playful
like champagne, I drink to your 20 - when you were a juicy peach!
My wife was offended, and said return toast:
- I do not drink for his 20, when I was a juicy peach, but you
inherited nadkusannaya, not for his 30, when she was playful as
and you just going to the foam, and not for his 40, when I was a strong
as brandy and you drank it for two, I drink to his 50 when I
a soup, but you would be happy to let ate nothing!
Call the Estonian service quick response.
- Hello! That Lenin Avenue 13. Fourth approach. We exploded
cooker! Blast blown wall! There shop paint and varnish
products! Everything burns! We lit the second floor! Coming collapse
whole house !!!...
- Hello. Hello. This - Estonian office of rapid response. Y
you have a problem?
80-ies. At a large factory with the speech comes the famous violinist,
who began his working career with work at the plant.
Passes concert rabid applause already covered banquet table, but
before that - the official part.
Supports Director: "We are happy today to see our factory Ivan
Stepanovich, an outstanding violinist, he was a genius, a star, the only
violinists in the world who takes note of C sharp minor on the 8 th fret with the little finger! But
Ivan Stepanovich began his path in our factory, which came in 15 years
simple student milling-machine. And that our team gave him a start in
life. Hail Ivan Stepanovich.
Party secretary stands: "I was sitting in the room today and with pride
listening to speech Ivan Stepanovich, as he plays, how to take note
C sharp minor on the 8 th fret with the little finger! Yet it is in our factory Ivan
Stepanovich joined the Komsomol, is senior fellow communists taught
his life here, he participated in a factory initiative and received
Komsomol in the conservatory. Party organization of the plant
proud of our glorious countryman - Ivan Stepanovich.
Director: "Well, now let him speak anyone who directly
worked with Ivan Stepanovich.
At the scene pushed hard worker.
Hardworking: "Well I can say. I remember Vanya, intelligent boy was
ask for a bottle of round up - he has one leg here, another there. Snap in
It is our proletarian! I looked today as he bow in hand
compresses, in our opinion, are working. But the fact that he was there chevo a little finger
takes on the eighth fret, so it was he, in my opinion, VYEBYVAETSYA! "
Bober left the advertising "KolgeytTotal" in advertising "Blendamed" and that's
- Hello, beaver! Kaakie utebya shiny teeth!
- Teeth, is that! You look at my eggs!
Scottish football team won the important match. Coach:
- You guys have worked well, and you definitely need a little
refreshment. John, the window.
Vasily comes to Petya and says:
- Let's go fishing!
- So what the f fishing, vodka, something no!
- What else?
- Anasha - responsible Petka
Vasily Ivanovich is located conveniently in the chair.
- So let's go fishing here!
Needle in a haystack. Egg - a duck.
Yes, happily greeted in surgery New Year!
I love tomatoes, so I love tomatoes, that eat them with ketchup and drank
Family on the beach, mama, papa, son. Suddenly the boy catches from the sea
goldfish. Well she estessno three wishes.
The fellow is: - I would like hamsters!
Mother: - The hamster dick!
Father: - Xm ... Not bad, again!
They talk to two friends:
- You know, I think we have in the fridge someone lives.
- Why do you think so?
- Yes wife every evening there is food.
Stirlitz in the difficult moments of life could be satisfied with little.
Here are just a small did not like it.
IS only happens in American movies ...
1. Six-shooter fired 10 times.
2. Giant alligator can instantly kill with one shot from
3. Car explodes from the fact that bumped the front windscreen on the protruding
4. Russian speak fluent English, and armed with their M-16.
5. Police arrived to the scene at exactly the moment when
protagonist of all otmudohal.
6. A sophisticated combination lock on the steel door, blocking the passage,
say, the red button the nuclear base, opens with a shot from
7. The man fell from a height of approx. 100 meters, a time to stay alive.
8. After several injuries to all parts of the body, the main character first
pohromaet, then again starts quite playfully run around, shoot straight and
ted the bad guys in all directions.
9. Granata, after pulling out of the ring, waiting patiently for 20 seconds, until
protagonist is finished sermonize villain and not throw it to him in
10. In addition, the same grenade can blow up a mansion.
11. Photos, some sort 32x32 pixels in size can be increased to
1024x1024, and while it will be possible to distinguish the numbers on your cell
phone photographed personality.
12. Sitting in the Internet, User manages to talk on the phone.
13. You can not put across a police operation, not different at the same
half of the city.
14. All the friends suddenly become traitors, and the most dangerous enemies --
15. When shooting with a pistol at him for some reason not to bother the bolt and
ejected cartridge cases.
16. Russian - the most dangerous in the world of mobsters, you can find at
another continent, even if you sneeze too loud.
17. If the protagonist is able to fight, it is hard not to enjoy
any weapons, although his defeated enemy poured tons.
(((0))) Gleb "Static" Timoshuk
Bears do not eat bears
Tigers do not eat tigers
And dogs do not eat sausage
It follows from the anonymous survey at school, requirements and wishes "
it became clear that 93% of pupils do not belong to the polls seriously.
And why the self-treat the citizens of Russia in the English fashion, by
Type: British - Russians?
Maybe better the American way: - ROSSIYANTSY?
Or in the French manner: - ROSSIYUZY?
Or, as the Poles: - ROSSIYAKI?
Or as the Japanese with the Dutch: - ROSSINTSY?
Or, in Danish: - ROSICHANE?
Or as the Germans call: - ROSSTSY?
Services nurse. Tel. 222-333 LLC "platypus"
Get a "green" paper in "blue", which led the "yellow"
In ancient Rome, the decline - people stopped to watch the fighting, the poor strike
etc. Spartacus comes to Caesar with the idea:
- Let's arrange a competition. Inquire on I-e-bu 100 virgins of Rome, then you
give me freedom.
Caesar agrees to such an interesting experiment. Sent and
hung advertising "Spartak vs 100 virgins of Rome." At the appointed hour
full house gathered in the Coliseum, the people zvereet delight, posters everywhere
Spartak - Champion, "" Freedom for Spartak. Well and the presentation began.
Spartak started to meet the virgins - the first, second,
third ... People began to howl, with friendly support Spartacus
cheers ... fifth, tenth, twentieth ...
People wound up even more, foaming at the mouth encourages Spartacus ...
Seventieth, ..... , Ninetieth ....
The people already faint with happiness, fun and quick victory Spartacus
with cries of "Spartak forward, e-bio of them all ebIIIIIIi!"
On the 99th Spartak ends and falls dead. Colosseum froze .... And suddenly:
- SPARTAK fag !!!!!!!
... the business applications for Windows leads the program Uninstaller.
If the path to a man's heart is through his stomach, then it is understandable why
the heart so often crap.
One man on a dare taste the different kinds of sausages:
- This variety has not reported 10 percent of meat.
Tested in the laboratory, exactly!
- In this - 15 percent.
Here friends decided to play a trick on him and slipped just a piece of pig
shit. Guy tried it and calmly said:
- This pig in swill not report 35 percent bran.
How to make mountains out of molehills.
Now we tell you about an old people's fun "how to make a
As we know, flies six legs, two wings and a trunk, so it is not very
like an elephant.
If you want to make a green elephant, it is better to take a thick green
fly, if black - black.
Take the thread and tie a fly's leg, it is desirable for the average, because
that in the future, neither you nor a fly, it is no longer useful.
Now you can let fly and enjoy the fun as she flies to
It has long been observed that catch flies with the thread on the leg much easier.
Then he caught a fly for a cord, and tear off her wings. Then she
immediately becomes like a wingless insect.
See how fun it is jumping, trying to fly.
But it is still the elephant still does not like.
Now tear off the flies have two legs. Legs have to take necessary
average, because the elephants legs are only the front or rear.
Let fly on the table. However, cool like an elephant?
So now you long evenings with his people in the household
can pass the time of the production of herds of elephants.
(c) gathered once at a summit of presidents of Central Asia and have
compare their peoples with the industry of agriculture.
- My people - sheep - said Norsultan Nazarbayev, the head
- The opposition party MPs, journalists constantly among themselves
Boda, do not concede to each other, but I like a shepherd them provided the game.
- I've got the development of fisheries - in turn, said Uzbek
President Islam Karimov. - I spend a steep and inconsistent
reform, and people do not piknet - silent as a fish.
- But I have lead the industry - poultry - adds Askar Akayev,
leader of Kyrgyzstan. - The people, like a rooster, all bite: IMF and handouts, and
American base at Manas, and me too ...
- It's that, that's my dairy specialization - smugly pronounces
Turkmenbashi, the head of Turkmenistan. - I doyu his people, as
and he just mumbles of pleasure ...
Dying man gets to heaven. And he sees a huge tree with
bells. Asks St. Peter:
- What is it?
- This tree of lies. As soon as someone someone cheating, ring
Then rang a few bells.
- Here, you see, this sellers products advertised.
Rang almost half of the bells.
- It's business tax returns rent.
Then a deafening sound of all the trees shook.
- Oh, the company has started the election!
At the corner of the street are two policemen with sad faces.
- And what happened?
- Our sleuth lost.
- So what? The dog itself is surely find its way to the office.
- Well, yes, the dog-that will ...
Anecdote from the GDR.
Son brags to his father:
- I got a better score on the essay on the importance of the Berlin
- And how much he got?
- Whoah! And it is - the best score? What others have received?
- I do not know. They are still with the questioning (in the Stasi) had not returned.
We Vovochka visiting friend of an aunt. It is going to go. Mom Vovochka
- What do you say?
- I do not know!
- Think Little Johnny! What I always say, when Aunt Nancy us
- Finally toppled, you fool! Once all the sausage and cheese, ate!
We all came out of "The Overcoat" by Gogol ...
But some good did it settled ...
New Russian came home from work (pub, pool, sauna) at 10 am. Collapsed
sleep. His wife wakes up:
- Dear, I was in the antenatal clinic.
- Uh-huh ...
- Honey, I'm pregnant!
- Uh-huh ...
- And you who want a boy or a girl?
- A boy, about twelve years old and blond - sleep !!!..
There is man in the woods, hears - cuckoo kukuet.
- Cuckoo, as I left to live?
- Are you that sick?
- No like.
- Well, then pozhivesh yet.
Urals Optical-Mechanical Plant has developed a new opto-mechanical
"mouse". It allows you to hover right on target with a distance of 10-12
Tax. Filing of Annual Report. From Cabinet Inspector
goes accountant, with a sigh of relief: "Passed". Voice from the queue:
"Let me write off."