Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
In the context of the Russia of administrative reform,
the decree of Vladimir Putin in the near future, all ministries will
abolished and their functions transferred to four new ministries --
Ministry of Truth (Minister - M. Lessin), Ministry of Peace (Ivanov),
Ministry of Love (N. Patrushev) and the Ministry of abundance (S. Shoigu).
April 1. In the camera to Khodorkovsky go blossoming Valdis Pelsh and
Tatiana Arno with a huge bouquet of flowers:
- Michael! We are glad to tell you - it was a program of "Drawing"!
God asks the man:
- Do you love life?
- No, - answered the man, - but the alternative is worse ...
Career of any movie actor can be described by five phrases
1. Who is this Sidorov?
2. Certainly it is necessary that we have played Sidorov.
3. It would be nice to find some similar to Sidorov.
4. We need someone like the young Sidorova.
5. Who is this Sidorov?
Bald guy buys a new hair restorer, and asked
- And just to help? I tried them so much!
- There you see a hairy man with a mustache and beard? Well, it --
my wife, and she just sniffed the cork!
The brain - the primary male sexual characteristics.
Announcement: "School police conducting a set fee for one-year accelerated
training courses for work with police whistle. "
10-year-old girl mother:
- Mom, but if I get pregnant, do not go to school?
- No, definitely not go, and then get a bad grade, and perenervnichayu
lose a child.
Santa Mazai with CD player, gutted 153rd hare:
- And this without batteries ...
- Listen, why do clocks spring forward one hour to transfer?
- To save energy by extending daylight hours.
- Then why the calendar for the day ahead not translate?
- This is Why?
- To save energy by reducing the heating season!
- Why leap year on one day more?
- Because this year's circle of the Earth's orbit is increased by one
A call to Mission Control Center.
- Hello, Control Center? Tours in orbit you have to order?
- How much?
- $ 20 million.
- And for the student?
- Vasily Ivanovich, where villagers old pedophile caught!
- Well, shoot.
- Duc scared. He vows that Lenin knew as a boy!
Experts are concerned about the work of the left hemisphere of President Bush:
it earned .... what will happen now??
We Chernomyrdin interested in:
- Viktor Stepanovich, they say, you have to Swiss bank accounts are
- Ha-ha-ha! Look at your health! If you find one, all you can pick yourself!
One month later:
- It's true! All thoroughly checked with the police and the manager of the bank.
And they found nothing!
- How not found?!
Explain to me please, why it is called Roman Abramovich
Abramovich, then Berezovsky? Are they brothers, as Marx and
London. Office Berezovsky.
- Putin is on the corridor.
- By what passage?
- In our hallway.
Berezovsky (in confusion):
- From the Special Forces.
Berezovsky (fades and switches to squeal):
- Wa-ah-Alki pa-ah-azornye! Who allowed ???!!! From the zone get it!
- Sorry, Boris Abramovich - a joke like the first of April after all.
In the brothel dying mother. All prostitutes bustle around her.
One of them, seizing the moment, turns to her:
- You are so experienced, so many have seen in my life. Tell me, what
best: small, medium or large?
- And why the average? Well, I understand why the average better than small, but
why the average better than big ones?
- No longer happens.
- Little Johnny, tell the whole class, as the earthworms reproduce?
- Division, Antonina Petrovna.
- And more detail?
Russian Finn says:
"I pass, then calmly central street at the zebra ..."
Little tricks: Did you know that the crackdown on the demonstrations would be more
effective if applied when it is not water cannons, and govnomety ...
Fortunately, there are still a lot of thinking people, which, unfortunately,
do not drown ...
After being elected president in 2000, Vladimir Putin came to the FSB
meeting and reported:
- Task to introduce done!
Chekists standing ovation ... Of these, no one knew that the meeting
transmitted to Washington.
Impossible - impossible. It is impossible, for example, to move faster
than the speed of light. But even if it were possible, then why?
All the same, no one will see and appreciate.
Kozma Prutkov engineer.
Superaktsiya company "Plate"! Just before the end of the month! Each
who buys a satellite dish - satellite spoon and fork satellite
The enlarged EU does not know what to do with Ukraine. In this regard, Ukrainian
authorities are reminded that only the dull stock in Melitopol
left more than 50 000 tons of explanation.
Peculiarities of Russia's government: The government have bodies of organs
there are members, while members - hairy legs.
The driver, do not hurt cop - because if he is with some receipts from
work comes, then they have the same on the face and received.
- How much time in the outer vacuum can
be a man without a spacesuit?
- Yes, almost always ...
Whatever hayali misogynist, zhenonenavistnits still more.
"That's flat!" - Thinks the rabbit.
"That's lunch!" - Thinks boa constrictor.
- Monya, you train for eight pairs of shoes, why do we have some one to buy?
- So nothing that did not you give!
- Freeze! Submit complete documents!
- What, in fact, matter?
- Nothing. Documents in your order. What are you doing here?
- Imagine walking.
- "Gentlemen, this is not taken for a walk. But we do not, but here
walking is not worthy to right-minded and mentally healthy gentlemen.
- Here the minefields ...
"I was going, so at the right speed range ..."
Energy - is that there is an abundance of each child, until
until he ask to do something.
Gourmet - is someone who never put off until tomorrow what you can
- Neighbor, why do you pashesh field circles?
- Yes that's bought a horse, but it was a circus!
Here I am often asked investors: "Vladimir Vladimirovich, if
Russia to invest, dividends will be? ". I answered that will
required, and what and how much - that's Basmanny court determines.
The present Bush should do three things: to build Iraq, put the dollar and
Little tricks: Did you know that if the gold fish to put on
pan, then the desire to increase the number to fifty.
Asthmatic hardly rises to the fifth floor, rings the doorbell, he
open and he says:
- Doctor, I pestered asthma, what do you advise?
- It's very simple: Do not smoke, drink plenty of rest and buy
- And what have glasses?
- To see a sign at the door of a doctor who lives downstairs. I
KOMSOMOLSK-ON-AMURE, gorod, postroenny komsomoltsami nA romanticheskoy
Two drugs at the parish sat in a booth ferris wheel ...
Only cubicle pulls - one drug stands up to the door cubicle
opens and says:
- Well, I went home.
- Stop! STOP!
- What is it?
- This is not your floor! Thee above!
They have a guard - they think they have security.
They have sex - they think that they have love.
They have "Tinkoff" - they think they have a beer.
Money corrupts, when you have to part with them.
Railway Minister in an interview spoke on
considerable degree of wear of the rolling stock:
"The guys who steal cars - I tell you, you have more problems!".
- It is true that Putin is closely related "family"?
- What do you mean he fully supports the family. He just family
- Hello, this court? Khodorkovsky trial to start today?
- Hello! This Court? Khodorkovsky will be judged today?
- Yes! Yes!
- Good morning! It's the court? A Khodorov ...
- Yes, man! Today! Doing nothing? The third time you call!
Satisfied coming day Vladimir Vladimirovich hung up.
"Dear Mikhail Borisovich, In this difficult day for you so wish
support you, be with you ... "
- Pah! Perebeshsya!
Boris Abramovich crumpled telegram form, threw it in the ballot box and boldly
walked toward the pub. In the far Moscow was the first trial
Agreed on the Kulikovo Field the two armies.
Came forward two heroes - Relight and Chelubei, and began to beat.
Struck Chelubei his club. Burdensome club basurmanskaya, terrible
blow struck the Russian hero: includes legs Peresvet knee
in the damp earth.
However withstood Peresvet himself struck with a club. Then came foot Chelubeya
knee ... in the ass 8-()
Not adopted land Russian leg of the Tatar.