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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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- I started a correspondence with Svetka!
- I'm with her for a long time tied up!
Joke #15435 —  
 
0
 
- Hello! Emergency!
- Yes!
- Here I have mosquitoes today is brutalized!
- So what?
- Make them for soothing a shot!
Joke #15220 —  
 
0
 
Yesterday the White House, met the presidents of Russia and the United States.
The main topic for discussion was a bust of Pamela Anderson.
Joke #15219 —  
 
0
 
Lukashenko calls agent with a crowded area, where hang dissident
Sidorova:
- Alexander Grigorievich Sidorov trying to say something before the execution,
but we do not suddenly lyapnet something obscene!
- Let them say what he wants! We as Democrats!
Joke #15218 —  
 
0
 
- But, dear, it's not our child!
- Shhh ... Not so loud. But stroller better.
Joke #15217 —  
 
0
 
There comes a man in a restaurant, sits down at the only free table.
Waiter runs:
- Sorry, but this table is busy!
- Then 'Take it to the figs, but I bring it free!
said Arik
Joke #15216 —  
 
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Two creep. Then - with a Caucasian accent:

- Listen, we - goblins?
- Nat!
- A mozhet hobbits?
- Yes, Nat! How many times can I repeat - we wah-ha-bi-you!
Joke #15215 —  
 
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Russian with Tartar discuss reform of utilities. Russian resents
ever-increasing taxes-fees. Tataryn said with sarcasm:
- And our Genghis Khan 300 years tribute not roused.
Joke #15214 —  
 
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- Doctor, I have a member of the red.
- He remembers someone ...
Joke #15213 —  
 
0
 
Selling beautifully executed copy of the paintings of Malevich's Black Square.
Expensive. For people far from art, please - do not worry for nothing.
I still do not understand how good a job.
Joke #15212 —  
 
0
 
Question: When Wladimir Klitschko dress belt world champion in boxing?
Answer: When Vitalka will revile.
Joke #15211 —  
 
0
 
Klitschko the elder after the victory over Corrie Sanders gives an interview:
- My youngest, Volodya, is also very good boxer. And who does not believe --
I personally pussy ladies.
Joke #15210 —  
 
0
 
Have presented Quakers woolen rug with ebonite arm. In the dark --
beautiful!
Joke #15209 —  
 
0
 
City Razdolbaysk not afraid of Muslim terrorists. None shahid
not dare to approach such svinyushniku!
Joke #15208 —  
 
0
 
Two Bratan spree at a picnic, late. Dusk.
Copse they make their way to the highway. Moon not, can not see any pitch.
Suddenly, from behind the trees appear high disheveled woman in black
with pale faces, red lips, burning eyes.
They surrounded fraternization.
"We - the night the vampires, horror of darkness, offspring of the Abyss. Tremble!"
One bro - to another: "Prikin, Tolia, this train heifers, and they - suck!"
Joke #15206 —  
 
0
 
I have a request to the press, television.
Please do not during the news and movies to let news ticker!
My grandmother always thinks it's karaoke and singing.
Joke #15204 —  
 
0
 
Q: Why do most women can not fall asleep after orgasm?
Answer: Because they need more to get home!
Joke #15203 —  
 
0
 
Silence - gold. Paused to you, my honey ...
Golovanov.net
Joke #15202 —  
 
0
 
Ad in a pet shop:
Buying a dog, get a dozen flea free!
Joke #15201 —  
 
0
 
- Do you want to get to the Olympic games?
Athens in the wrong direction.
Joke #15200 —  
 
0
 
- How to make iron stroked smoothly?
- Turn it into a source of DC!
Joke #15199 —  
 
0
 
In fig jam absolutely no fat, and pineapple guava jam, too, is not
as heard.
Joke #15198 —  
 
0
 
- This is what a drunk pinned to us?
- It's me, a spark ... shit!
- Who are you, who are you?
- Spark ... shit!
- I do not understand ...
- I izzz dye-snoznammmennnogo ansam-fucking!
Joke #15197 —  
 
0
 
Sports News. Yesterday, students of physical culture institute Petrov AA and
Sidorov VV set a new world record for indoor.
Closed in a dorm room, per night, they drank 17 crates of beer.
Joke #15196 —  
 
0
 
- What's the matter, buddy? You're all scratched, bruises under his eyes,
clothes torn. Let me take you home ...
- I am home ...
Joke #15195 —  
 
0
 
Two spopyat.
- This is it!
- Do not it!
- He!
- Do not it!
- Come spposim ...
Suitable for one another in person.
- Tell me - are you?
- Yes, it's me ...
One - one another in:
- I'm govopil!
Joke #15194 —  
 
0
 
Landlady at zametky:
If used as a material of slipcovers for the sofa and kpesla
Polyethylene is otychit many of your guests vytipat secretly fatty hands
of furniture in the Quaternary ppazdnichnogo feast.
Joke #15193 —  
 
0
 
What are the similarities between the races in Formula 1 and adyulterom? - In both cases
importantly quickly and in time to change tires.
Pechkind
Joke #15192 —  
 
0
 
Surprising observation.
If you lose Belarusians / Ukrainians in the Russian news write:
"The loss of Belarusians / Ukrainians"
If they win, the Russian news write:
"The victory of the Soviet school"
Joke #15191 —  
 
0
 
What was the force of the socialist countries? Combined
Mongolian engineering genius, thrift, Russia, German
flight of fantasy and the Polish desire to work ...
Joke #15189 —  
 
0
 
- Tell me, Baba Yaga, and where already in Koshchei death? - Asked Ivanushka.
- A death of his hiding is very safe, my son! At the other end of
high mountain is huge oak tree. On the oak tree that hangs on the steel chains
huge trunk. In a chest that the polar bear (Ursus maritimus), in
Bear - The Amur tiger (Panthera tigris), in the tiger - red wolf
(Cuon
alpinus), a wolf - a snow leopard (Uncia uncia), a leopard - mednovsky
blue fox (Alopex lagopus), a fox - mountain goose (Eulabeia
indica),
a goose - Cancer mantis (Oratosquilla oratoria), in cancer - egg crested
eagle (Spizaetus nipalensis), in it - a golden needle in the needle of the death
Koshcheeva. But once all these animals are in the Red Book of Russia, and
fines for their shooting, such that those half my kingdom, the king promised you in
dowry for Vasilisa-excellent, barely enough to cover all
costs. So think about it - whether you need it?
Joke #15188 —  
 
0
 
- I yesterday in the car vlomalis ...
- Anything stolen??
- Yes, alarm system ...
Joke #15187 —  
 
0
 
New Russian comes to a lawyer.
- Hey, bro, there's boys in situ prey, and I Th, goof or what?
-??
- Won the boys told one guy all my life smoked a pack a day,
then unrolled tobacco companies for a few lemons, because of
these types of cigarettes had cancer. And they say the other guy wants
McDonald's to put the grandmother, because he kind of these fat
hamburgers. In short let, write said'll sue!
- With whom?
- From "Smirnov"! For all the terrible heifers, which I have drunk from peretrahal!
Joke #15186 —  
 
0
 
Do you want a very short anecdote of the week? It was over!
Joke #15185 —  
 
0
 
Every Jew - Moses in his head.
Joke #15183 —  
 
0
 
Three Policemen talk after the change:
- You now how successful MAXDB done?
- I'm 91! And you?
- I'm 67 ...
- I'm only 53 ...
Joke #15182 —  
 
0
 
Drunk chukcha arrives in Irkutsk, and had to Yakutsk.
I went to the administration. Investigate the cause.
- Chief! Error received in Moscow with the landing! Yakutsk need! Wife
children are waiting, deer, and I am in Irkutsk!
The girl looked at the ticket, the eastern Chukchi and the profile says:
- Man keep quiet! And what a difference to you, Yakutsk and Irkutsk,
stay
live here, we also need deer, there's too many of your Chinese
stuck.
Joke #15181 —  
 
0
 
For some reason, freedom is usually the loudest scream supervisors ...
Joke #15180 —  
 
0
 
Two friends talking.
- And have you ever been with a politician?
- Yes, it was of course.
- Well?
- The charisma he was too small, 7 inches, but a firm hand.
Joke #15179 —  
 
0
 
Something does not pin me young girls, some are not
deep.
Joke #15178 —  
 
0
 
- Hello, brain! ... Brain? ... What's with you, Brain?
- Fuck off, Nuts ... Here before you came Heroin ...
Joke #15177 —  
 
0
 
- Good-bye, sick! Now get the clothes and an hour will be at home.
Give greetings to Grandma and Grandpa ...
- Which Hello, Doctor! They're long since died!
- So I say: soon evidenced, hi pass ...
Joke #15176 —  
 
0
 
Inspired by the international success of his book "Ukraine - not Russia,"
Ukrainian President Leonid Kuchma decided to publish a series of books in
continued the theme begun. Working title of the following volumes:

Autobiography "Kuchma - not Putin"
Guide Kiev - not Moscow "
Ethnographic monograph Khokhol - not Moskal "
Financial and economic treatise torque - not ruble
Directory bartender "Gorilka - not vodka"
Culinary Encyclopedia "Salo - it is in Siberia fat"
Joke #15175 —  
 
0
 
Jewish boy comes home, in his diary some two. His,
naturally blamed, it is justified:
- And what do you want? The teacher antisemitka. Now, if you recorded me
Russian, a different matter.
Well, parents are consulted and decided, once this thing, and his Russian
record. Recorded.
But the mark had been twos, and stayed. Again, the whole family gathered,
father, mother, grandfather, they all say, well, how can that be, why are you so bad you learn,
Here, see what good grades we were when we were in school
go ...
The fellow is:
- Oh, you Jews always Excellent promylites.
Joke #15174 —  
 
0
 
dance of small, but whores ....
Joke #15173 —  
 
0
 
- Tell me, why do you have green tomatoes?
- Take the cucumbers, they are yellow!
Joke #15172 —  
 
0
 
- How Russia can increase its GDP?
- I'm afraid that at his age, nothing will help.
Joke #15171 —  
 
0
 
Misha and Vladimir quietly kvass brandy, lemon chewing ...
M (sadly): You know, Volodya ... Business, Business ... Virtue as a protein
wheel ... I would like nowhere to hurry ... sit ... book to read ... about
important, think of the eternal ...
In: Misch, Lord ... Yes I will!
Joke #15170 —  
 
0
 
For women, a party is considered successful if at the end of her husband - as a fiddler
drunk, but a friend - sober.
Joke #15169 —  
 
0
 
"And now, information about traffic jams on the roads of Moscow: the st. 1905-year
Found 245 corks beer "Tinkoff", 67 corks from champagne and three
electrical fuse. Aural calculus seen in 47
motorists.
Joke #15168 —  
 
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