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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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The inscription on the door of the kindergarten: The Drunken fathers, children are not given! "
Joke #17287 —  
 
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Reservations.
The husband yells to his wife:
- Expensive, does not take a bath, I have to bare povyt!
Joke #17286 —  
 
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Russia has two problems. One can be solved with the help of asphalt ...
... And while the road will improve.
Joke #17285 —  
 
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Zaporozhec flies in the ass 600-th ...
From Mercedes goes a man in an expensive suit, calmly examining
damage to the machine and with a smile asked the second driver:
- So how will pay: NAL? from account? Anal?
Snyder
Joke #17284 —  
 
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- Why at Chernobyl could not gather mushrooms?
- Run away!
Joke #17283 —  
 
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He is wild, lonely and unhappy ...
His whole life is a constant struggle for survival in the brutal jungle ...
Only the sudden appearance of a boxing trainer Manvel Gabrielyan may
radically change his future life.
Childhood Nikolai Valuev in megablokbastere "King Kong"!
All the cinemas of the country.
Joke #17282 —  
 
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- I watched yesterday, "The Master and Margarita"?
- Watched.
- And how?
- Just a drama: Lenin ordered the execution of Sasha White.
Joke #17281 —  
 
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Gas for $ 50? Easy! Russia - a generous soul!
Joke #17280 —  
 
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If you are forced to work for a feed, it is called
Slavery.
If you are not forced to work for it is not fed, it is called
freedom.
And if you are forced to work for it and no food, no matter how it
called - just you live in Russia.
Joke #17279 —  
 
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In order to save Ukraine will produce soft drinks without gas.
Joke #17278 —  
 
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Fradkov: - The price of gas will be determined by the European formula.
Yekhanurov: - How does it look like?
Fradkov: - hell knows!
Khristenko: - Negotiations have stalled again!
www.censor.net.ua
Joke #17277 —  
 
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Yushchenko has another son was born. He came to congratulate the representatives of
Ukrainian elite: the famous football player and coach Oleg Blokhin,
Former world boxing champion Vitali Klitschko and the Speaker Volodymyr Lytvyn.
Blokhin:
- See what he feints legs get up! Looks to be a footballer.
Klitschko:
- No, you look at his hands! Already looked great
vehicle left Jeb! Exactly - would be a boxer!
Litvin approached raspelenatomu baby, lifted his legs
looked and said:
- No, gentlemen, the boy will be the President of Ukraine! All the signs have been clear:
crap one's pants, but is silent and pretends that everything is normal!
Joke #17276 —  
 
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HOW TO CHOOSE OWN NICK

1. The easiest way (random).
Put the keyboard directly in front of him. Decide skolkobukvenny
nickname really suit you. Zazhmurte their eyes or simply close them.
Now, at the expense of time, lift your right (or left hand) with protruding
fingers, is strictly related to the number of letters in the desired nickel. At the expense
two, lower the hand of trying to get all the fingers sticking out in
button on the keyboard. Rastopyrte eyes and gaze into the resulting.
Changing the angle ottopyrivaniya and the number of hands can achieve a variety
results. Application of the toes are not welcome, but allowed.
Other parts of the body (nose, teeth, forehead, chin, elbow, knee, tailbone)
cause unpredictable number of characters and injury.
Two broken in this way the keyboard you are likely to find
liked the combination of letters in the nickel.
Examples (for three protruding fingers):
VPT
oschyu
ykp
zhop

2. The most stupid way (diagnosis)
Name ways does not mean that they enjoy some idiots.
There are also quite normal people with slight deviations in
psyche, not more. But rarely.
So. To implement this option requires a full set
self-adhesive letters and abrasive sandpaper or a file. The absence
Skin and file, fit scalpel or razor blade. At worst
end, you can use unshorn nails, including the legs.
First, remove all the letters with the keys on the keyboard. Be sure to
both registers. Then, apply self-adhesive letters on a virgin
clean surface of the keys in random order. Do not try to remember
where what should be. To blunt the memory, try to drink a dozen
bottle of iodine in alcohol or a cocktail "Northern Lights".
Implement the process of application letters (by the way, instead of self-adhesive letters
You can use a marker or simply scratch symbols knife)
enter your real name, using the new keyboard layout. If
the result of a sudden you do not like, then type any real word.
Continue until the moment until you have the perfect nickname. If
it fails to appear, try using method 1.
Examples:
Rvipa
Dukpr
Bylda
Lupyr

3. Most Female Nick (selective)
Extremely feminine way to pick up a nickname. Where
when it for some reason used the opposite sex
individuals have been brain disorders such as "transvestism" or
"golubizm.
Preliminary analysis.
Stereotypes of a woman (girl, girl) itself to
distressingly monotonous.
The most frequently adorned with lipstick thought comes to mind to use
diminutive, pet bed-romantic word of
floral-faunal recruitment. Moreover, the most popular nicknames,
are derived from nicknames and nicknames domestic cats.
Examples: Kiska, Kisulya, Kisunchik (option - Kisyunchik), kitty, kitty, kitty,
Kitty, Kitty, Koszul Cat asshole.

Occasionally appear beginnings of fantasy.
Examples:
Kisska, Kissulya, Kissunchik.
In the last two examples owner should be tested for enuresis.

Being drunk, a woman can give and more graceful nickname.
Examples:
Scratchy, Tail, Ushastik, whale, Murzik.

Slightly less common nicknames from another area of the living world:
Fish, Bird, Mouse.

Tellingly, no one individual female does not take a pseudonym of
the following list:
Strausiha, elephant, Dinozavriha, Krokodilitsa, Shakaliha, hyena, Zhupelitsa.
Some ladies of these options would not have come at a better example than those
they always use.

The essence of the Most Feminine Way is a simple choice of a nick
examples above, except the last. Found this
alias long way to make happy mysterious female soul.

4. Most Method Man (associative).
Male agile mind most diligently seeking associative chain
between a favorite and the ultimate nickname. The length of the chain strongly
depends on the advancement of nick and the number of pre-drunk
beer.
The most interesting variations occur somewhere between 1 year spent in
chats and 2.5 liters of Baltika No 9.
Preparing for the application of the method is simple.
I. Hold for 1 year in chat rooms.
II. Drink 2,5 liters of Baltika No 9.
III. Select the name of the most important of its merits or demerits.

Now, when the necessary conditions are met, try to find a word
has a rational connection with the object of p.III.
Examples:
Clever - Head.
Bald - ball.
Joke #17275 —  
 
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American viewers were extremely surprised to learn that
Georgia's president some Arab Saakashvili.
Joke #17274 —  
 
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Americans have decided to seize Russia, is preparing for war, spies infiltrate,
card draw, the money invested in the army and only the British as the true
gentlemen quietly selling U.S. secrets of Russia.
Joke #17273 —  
 
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Mikola, Th gas so poorly lit in the stove?
- Duc tsezh on foaming mugs pimply all wiped out.
Joke #17272 —  
 
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Blue dance - Holders invite gentlemen.
Joke #17271 —  
 
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Texas qalb George W. Bush.
Joke #17270 —  
 
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padonache curse: you are not washed cap ...
Joke #17269 —  
 
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Is Missing pet?
You may be surprised in a pack "Whiskas"
Joke #17267 —  
 
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after counting the votes at elections
One asks the other:
- Well, someone has won?
The second responds:
- No, as usual all lost
Joke #17266 —  
 
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Dentist - a person who is able to utter a hundred different mats in a row.
Joke #17265 —  
 
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Suggest Kiev Moscow subway station renamed
Malorossiyskuyu.
Joke #17264 —  
 
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Nazi prisoners of war built the front of the ranks and asked the first:
- Who are you?
- I am a teacher.
- In the furnace.
- You?
- I am a painter.
- At the construction site.
- You?
- I have yoga.
- In the furnace.
- Again in the furnace?
Joke #17263 —  
 
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We watched the first series of "Master and Margarita" - really chertovschia,
for almost 2 hours of any advertising ...

Papazian
Joke #17262 —  
 
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- Julia you should not call men first
- Why?
- You prostitute
Joke #17261 —  
 
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On request, the Internet portal Ensk confirm or deny the text
following announcement on their website:
"All week NEW SRAL on the second channel! MASTER OF Margarine! PISI NOT
Burn! "- Got an answer:
"Bratan! Us here PANCAKES NOT TO KOMBIZHIRU. KAREKTOR RITA AGAIN ACCEPT
TYPE typos and washed in situ in the Decree. RIDAKTOR N. RUSSIAN. "
Joke #17260 —  
 
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-And we have finished in the gas. And you?
- And we have a gas pipeline. There is
Joke #17259 —  
 
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Military anecdote with a variation and extension.
Charter domestic service.
Article 1. The Chief is always right.
Article 2. If the chief is wrong, then be guided by Article 1.
Article 3. If the chief thinks he is wrong, then he is wrong.
Joke #17258 —  
 
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Out of my life:
The guy with the girl returning from a party
...
- Zaya, well, let's talk about today is not bad.
- So again, be silent all the way!
Joke #17257 —  
 
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"Shmayster and Margaritson" - buy a new historical novel, G.
Himmler in all the bookshops in Auschwitz, Dachau and Buchenwald!
Joke #17256 —  
 
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A minefield go cautiously: wolves.
Joke #17255 —  
 
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She is constantly fined inspectors, drivers neighboring machines
showed "Fakie" and trams kept trying to cut ... It was so terrible,
that she screamed even pedestrians!

Answet, www.swinga.net
Joke #17254 —  
 
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Metka bankers: the candy 'Mishka na Severe'
Joke #17253 —  
 
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After the cessation of gas supplies from Russia to Ukraine, the pipeline
Urengoy-Pomary-Uzhgorod, will work in reverse mode and pump
Ukrainian alcohol.
Ukrainian Foreign Ministry has already prepared a note of protest about the illegal boxes at the pipe on
territory of Russia.
Joke #17252 —  
 
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In response to rising gas prices Moscow Sumy JSC "Selma"
has taken adequate measures and declared a complete cessation of supplies to Russia
gas lighters.
Joke #17251 —  
 
0
 
The people, help set up the Internet.
My provider - "Komsomolskaya Pravda".
Loaded at only site www.anekdot.ru And whoever comes to spam.
Joke #17250 —  
 
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Eye drops.
Precautions: Keep away from children. Do not no body in the eye, with
contact - thoroughly rinse eyes with water.
Joke #17249 —  
 
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Church requires managers to collect alms. Full-time.
Specifically distinguished appearance. Social package. Overalls.
Joke #17248 —  
 
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In deep childhood (elementary school), my classroom the teacher advised
parents to start a garden. And the reason is simple:
- Your child does not know how to grow potatoes!
If she found out that I do not know where the children are taken to
prisovetovala?
Joke #17247 —  
 
0
 
After a lengthy investigation was determined three most massive
killers:
3 place - Hitler
2 nd place - Stalin
1 st place - AvtoVAZ.
Joke #17246 —  
 
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Do not spit into the well, or better dial water.
Joke #17245 —  
 
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When a new singer on zkrane the population of the country immediately arises 2
question:
1. Which oligarch she does blow job (or just a
mistress)?
2. How many people have stolen money has been spent on its promotion?
Joke #17244 —  
 
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Judging by the number of anti-Ukrainian jokes site anekdot.ru, Gazprom
hired a special person who invent them.
Judging by the quality, it is - Evgeny Petrosyan.
Joke #17243 —  
 
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Putin calls Chernomyrdin in Ukraine after the increase in gas prices and with
his usual childish simplicity asks:
"Viktor Stepanovich .... Well, what have you?" Sche not zmerzla Ukraine? "

www.censor.net.ua
Joke #17242 —  
 
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Declassified secret weapons to Russia.
This Gazprom - Russia pipeline troops.
www.censor.net.ua
Joke #17241 —  
 
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Since December 2004, Gleb Pavlovsky, Putin urged to raise the price of
gas .... And, finally, persuaded!

www.censor.net.ua
Joke #17240 —  
 
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Issue of the Armenian radio:
- What is the Russian bear vzelsya to Ukraine?
- Honey wanted, and their president - the beekeeper does not.

www.censor.net.ua
Joke #17239 —  
 
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The sticker on the door to the pharmacy:

"Yad
most powerful tool!

away "
Joke #17238 —  
 
0
 
Yesterday I turned on the radio Mayak. And that - turns out they have not caught
that scoundrel, who tries to tell every hour broadcast obscene 6
words. Everything just jammed: "FDI-FDI-FDI-FDI-piiii.
Joke #17237 —  
 
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