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Shattered bottle of vodka disinfects the asphalt - in order to blame, lying on it with a battered face, did not get infected.

Joke #57392 —  
 
2
 
New Russian bathing his young son in a baby bath and saying:
- My, my chimney sweep clean, pure, concrete, concrete!

Joke #57391 —  
 
-4
 
Met surgeons.
One says:
- I love the patients Accountants. Razrezhesh - and inside them all numbered.
Another says:
- I love patient-librarians. Razrezhesh - and inside them all in alphabetical order.
Third says:
- I love the patients engineers. Razrezhesh - zashesh if something and forget the outside - they understand.
Fourth said:
- And I love patient-advocates. They are spineless, heartless, absolutely empty and the head with ass they are fully interchangeable.

Joke #57390 —  
 
2
 
Nothing compares shithead as an opportunity to inform someone
crap.
Joke #57389 —  
 
2
 
Parable-anecdote

In a distant country (in China) is a mountain. Every self-respecting
man must enter into this mountain. But if during the ascent, he stumbles
and roll down, then he will live exactly 3 years.

One man climbed up the hill, slipped and rolled down. And began to
grieve, because did not want to die in three years because of some stupid
legend. He suffered suffered, but nothing good could not suffer. And
Then he went to the sage, to share their grief.

- Nothing is easier! - Said the sage. - You have to slip this
Mountains are ninety-nine times.

The man did just that. I lived in the light of another 300 years.

Clocked counter ...
Joke #57388 —  
 
-2
 
If a woman is crying. Memo to men.

1. First, try to find out whose it is crying woman. When
woman someone, to comfort her safe. If a woman is a draw, take it
itself. Now, if she continues to cry, it is quite understandable
that happiness.

2. When a woman cries your personal, do not leave her alone. And then around
all only think it a draw. Stay close to her best and
attentive. Stand back no farther than the distance, where her voice is not
be heard, and not lose sight of - use binoculars.

3. Issues that can not ask women in tears:
"What do you want?"
"Who is to blame?"
"What?
The first question hurt on the wallet, but on the last two --
on self-esteem.

4. In response to women's tears do not have anywhere to flee. Do not nobody
save. Do not be penalized. Must be that saving and
punishment should have been quite the opposite.

5. Practice sad women give gifts - a vicious one. Best Server
a pack of handkerchiefs. Remember, the gifts should give only gay
women. It produces useful conditioned reflex and setting
pleasant character.

6. If you observe all of the above rules, but the woman continues
cry for you and do not go to another, so it really
needs your comfort. Demonstrate to her sad, but
person concerned. This will defer the binoculars and go
closer.

7. Not necessarily listen to what is said sobbing woman.
Index - a sigh in the pauses and gently priobnimat between them.

8. Aerobatics will be fired in time for the unshaven
cheek a tear At this point, a woman forgets about his own troubles and
begins to console you in fright.

If a man cries. Memo to women.

1. Try to be tactful. Pretend not to notice the suppressed
Men's sobs.

2. If not restrained sobs - pat a man on the shoulder with
the words "Well, well!"

3. If the man continues to cry, check the diaper and let the chest.
Joke #57387 —  
 
-4
 
How is Moscow from Gotham City? In Gotham City citizens to defend Batman. In Gotham City for the timely onset of winter care Freese. And most importantly - in Gotham City penguin mutant was not able to become mayor.
Joke #57204 —  
 
-2
 
What distinguishes the European pensioner from Russia? European pensioner after retirement is sent to the world, and Russia - the world!

Joke #57172 —  
 
-1
 
- A young man, and you are not taught in childhood give way to transport the elderly?
- Grandmother, but it's my car!

Joke #57171 —  
 
-1
 
- Hello dear, my goat, finally, allow me to use their computer, even acquired a mailbox. So, that write to me at: wife dog lives a point there.

Joke #57170 —  
 
-2
 
Wife to her husband:
- Ssluuuushay, yesterday I accidentally looked at a list of your incoming and outgoing calls. . and that for Gena? You told me about not telling him anything, and every 2-3 call from him or him? !
Husband:
- Dura jealous, first of all, if I have time I hear that you "accidentally" looked at my phone - pray, and secondly, - GENA - a wife! ! !

Joke #57169 —  
 
2
 
The lieutenant is almost on his deathbed after a hangover. Just in case Hussars decided to send him a priest, that he was involved. However, the priest was busy, so instead he came to his wife.
His wife who had heard about the adventures of Rzhevsky from her husband, who complained about the numerous ladies, decided to look at the subject. Quietly lifted the blanket and to estimate the size of a woman member, his wife sobbed passionately.
At this time the lieutenant awoke and groaned:
- Here it is, the punishment for my sins ... In the hour of death - pop-homosexual ...

Joke #57168 —  
 
-3
 
From the discussion at the culinary forum.
Alenushka:
- You had the liver to cook?
Helen:
- I stroked her and tell her that the coming weekend will be more difficult
than the past.
Joke #57167 —  
 
-2
 
... And we'll fast forward to the capital of our country to Moscow, where
St. Petersburg boys Vova and Dimon are trying to fight corruption ...
Joke #57166 —  
 
-4
 
Drunk Astronaut came out in open space. Vodka.
Joke #57165 —  
 
-4
 
Obama was treated to Putin and Medvedev in the Russian style: on the table was
samovar, and the samovar on the traditional Russian vodka tradition was ...
How surprised then U.S. president, after learning that he popodpisyval in
Moscow!
Joke #57164 —  
 
-2
 
After the visit of President of Russia Dmitry Medvedev in Africa, Barack Obama
made a return visit of friendship to Russia.
Joke #57163 —  
 
-1
 
On our roads can be yourself feel fabulous genie. You sit in
tin, ahead of cork ...
Joke #57162 —  
 
1
 
- Did you notice my wife's new hairstyle?
- I noticed a beautiful hairstyle. Have you noticed, I have a whole new wife?
Joke #57161 —  
 
3
 
Nikita Sergeyevich Mikhalkov was born a son. Called Vladimir
Vladimirovich.
Joke #57160 —  
 
-2
 
Since childhood, Yuri Gagarin, the first dream to fly in space,
but some bitches beat him.
Joke #57159 —  
 
0
 
- No food can live a month.
- You can - and sense?
- And without meaning you can live life.
Joke #57158 —  
 
-1
 
- Vasya, I suggest you say that before the wedding, no, no!
- I tried already ... It was during this brutally fuck ...
Joke #57157 —  
 
-2
 
Growing up, the singer Maxim asked to call her Maksim.
Joke #57156 —  
 
-2
 
Bureau of good offices. After watching you in the course of any holiday,
shall bring home the morning tell you that you were yesterday.
Joke #57155 —  
 
-1
 
If the programmer will invent an even more intuitive interface,
the world will create even more stupid user.
Joke #57154 —  
 
-1
 
An apartment - a neighbor with a drill, in private homes - with
mower ...
Dunkin.
Joke #57153 —  
 
-1
 
- Why did the neighbors on top always such idiots?
- Ask your neighbors below.
Joke #57152 —  
 
-1
 
Attackers stole Ksenia Sobchak - but it immediately released because the amount of redemption found in her purse.
Joke #57151 —  
 
3
 
- Vasya, listen, I have a problem here, but do not tell me, and then a divorce! - Tomb! - Oral sex - is a betrayal or not? - Hmm ... easy ... - Well after all ... - And who do?
Joke #57150 —  
 
-4
 
- I can advise the original recipe of the smallest dish in the world - "stuffed with chicken legs" - Why the smallest? - Well, as .. Take a small crayfish and pick out, and then farshiruete his eye.
Joke #57149 —  
 
-2
 
From the discussion at the culinary forum:> Alenushka: You had the liver to cook? > Lena: I stroked her and tell her that the coming weekend will be more difficult than previous
Joke #57148 —  
 
0
 
Watson, you have a face whiter than the pillow!
- Why would it, Holmes?
- It is time, finally, wash the pillowcase, my friend!

Joke #57147 —  
 
2
 
Joyful student jumps out from behind his desk and runs to the door.
- Passed!
- Wait! -cries the professor, pointing to zachetku, "It should be noted.
- Note the evening! -heard from behind the door.

Joke #57146 —  
 
10
 
Comes in. neighbor to give to the guests with a cake:
- Hello, John, Joe, What a joy, let us note!
- What a joy?
- Remember, you're angry with his grandmother, the witch in me incited?
- I? ! ! What are you saying. . .
- Come on, the whole family had seen, when we planted in the garden, she whispered:
"X% grow th, x% d to grow..." And spells in the corner. And then all the plants rotted. . .
- So you're happy and Th-then this? ! !
- Oh it in n%%% in this garden - but dick-how grown! ! !

Joke #57145 —  
 
5
 
Football commentator explains:
- Torres is closed! Fabregas, Casillas is also closed - no one to give a pass!
An experienced team player Russia Zyryanov closed them all in the locker room!

Joke #57144 —  
 
3
 
A guy met a girl and now they are the first time in bed. The girl says:
- My dear, you know, I have a complex. I have one breast bigger than another.
Guy says:
- Is it complex! Here I have set. I have a member like a baby.
Undresses, girl sees this and said in horror:
- You did say that he was a baby!
- Well, yes. Height 52 cm, weight 3, 5 kg.

Joke #57143 —  
 
1
 
Worth man in the shop in turn and then drew attention to a very pretty blonde, who is in the next turn. I can not remember where he saw her. Then he decided to go to her and asked:
- A girl and where I could see you?
Girl:
- Of course I could be wrong, but I think that you are the father of one of my children.
Guy ochumevaet and trying to figure out when is the last time he was unfaithful to his wife. Finally suspicion flashed through his mind:
- You. . . You are the very same guest stripper at my bachelor party that I was fucking on the table, at the time, as your girlfriend lashed whip me, and then shoved me in the ass with a bottle?
Girl:
- No, I'm just a teacher of mathematics for your son. . .

Joke #57142 —  
 
6
 
One man in years, exhausted its young and not to the extent of sexual wife a bitch, asked the advice of a doctor-namely a sexologist, like get rid of it. After listening to him, the doctor says:
- I advise you to shag her to death!
- How's that?
- Every day, six times a month!
... It takes three and a half weeks ... Once the doctor meets the patient on the street next to his downright flowery wife. The patient is the same - on the contrary, like a living corpse.
- Lord Who you like! - Exclaims the doctor - you have to abandon his idea!
- Nothing, nothing, doctor! See how happy she was not even aware that to live upon it only a few days left ...

Joke #57141 —  
 
3
 
The morning after the wedding night. The groom goes to the shower with drooping lifelessly member. The bride, first saw it, asked:
- What is it?
- And this is the thing, that night we brought so much pleasure.
- My God! How erased something!

Joke #57140 —  
 
-4
 
Advertising claims that razor "Gillett" has a lubricating strip and a floating head. Besides, it also vibrates! Sorry, but this is just a razor?

Joke #57139 —  
 
-1
 
Teacher: Children, today we will teach the letter "X"
Little Johnny: Can I? I know. Can-can?
Teacher: Shut up, Little Johnny, you're still in the letter "B" father of the school has failed.

Joke #57138 —  
 
0
 
In the beginning was the Word ... Then he gave in the face.
Joke #57137 —  
 
0
 
It is so often changed his place of work, that during his lifetime for no
once and never been on vacation.
Joke #57136 —  
 
0
 
Most of all, for our country, made Andropov YV
Becoming general secretary - quickly died.
Joke #57135 —  
 
-1
 
Fewer and fewer want to go on nature - come, and there is to it
have driven her own mistakes.
Joke #57134 —  
 
-2
 
In the salon "Bee" is to increase the service member.
Joke #57133 —  
 
-2
 
Natalia Vodianova became the face of cosmetics Chanel, and Nikolay Valuev became
harey vodka Olympus.
Joke #57132 —  
 
2
 
The zone of risky agriculture - is when the sow reasonable, good, eternal,
reaping a stupid, evil and momentary.
Joke #57131 —  
 
1
 
The British Beer Festival was closed prematurely due to lack of beer.
Oh, yes, Russian in the UK is becoming more ...
Joke #57130 —  
 
0
 
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