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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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- How did the operation, doctor?
- Excellent, the patient is asleep without the hind legs.
Joke #57443 —  
 
2
 
Old age begins when you come to the conclusion that the majority of
what ever you wish would never happen, but
Most of what else happens, you never would have wanted.
Joke #57442 —  
 
4
 
George Soros bought ten packages of "Viagra". Equity firm Pfizer,
manufacturer of Viagra, increased by 50%. Dow Jones index rose by 10%.
The RTS index grew by 5%. Member of the 78-year-old George Soros did not move.
So impotence won recession.
Joke #57441 —  
 
0
 
Martians have sent their scouts to Earth for six months in America,
France and Russia. They come back to Mars explorers and report.
Returning from America - "They have the technology behind our 1000 years."
Returning from France - "They are ahead of our perfumes for 500 years."
Returning from Russia - "Just before I could teleport like me
Two men approach and say - and here is the third - well, I do
I do not remember. "
Joke #57440 —  
 
-1
 
A knock at the door. Guy opens - is a skeleton with a notebook and
asks:
- Sidorov, Pyotr Petrovich?
- Yes ... A. .. And who are you?
- Death.
- For me? ..
- Not yet. I conduct a preliminary survey of customers to improve
quality of service.
- Ah, so! Then go from here ** th, that I have not seen you!
- Thank you. Notes: "Prostate cancer and cataracts.
Joke #57439 —  
 
1
 
The new version of one of the ancient parables, if you remember, this was about the king
Solomon and the two women who could not divide the child.
They came to Solomon (C), two older women (1 and 2).
1 - Your son had promised to marry my daughter!
2 - No, your son had promised to marry my daughter!
1 - He already took the dowry, my daughter!
2 - He took the dowry and my!
1 - He made my baby daughter!
2 - He did and my baby!
Both - will judge us, and Solomon, whose daughter must marry your son?
N - I see both of you are right, both your daughters have equal right to marry
my son, but he can not marry at once on both. So we'll
cut it in half and give your daughters.
1 - Yes, this is true, then so be it.
2 - No, you can not hack it, even better, he will get her daughter.
C - All agreed, son, you should marry the daughter of 1.
Son - Father, why? She also wanted to kill me, and in the case of infant
you thought otherwise!
N - Son, you have to marry the daughter is 1 for only TRUE mother-in-law
May require DEATH-law!
Joke #57438 —  
 
2
 
Old anecdote in a new way:

- Listen, here if you inherit in a million - how you spend
kind of money?
- I will pay on loans.
- And the rest?
- And the rest can wait.
Joke #57437 —  
 
-3
 
Ah, would establish the world's total equity - all share
equally. But the only way to share yourself - so be sure.
Joke #57436 —  
 
-2
 
With mouth open listening to his wife, PhD, Ivan Petrovich, to
pressure on the eardrum from the outside and inside was the same ...
Joke #57435 —  
 
-4
 
Squirrel, which have dried in the winter not the mushrooms, all of January to steal from
tourist drives Depeche Mode.
Joke #57434 —  
 
-4
 
When the phone rang in the apartment.
- Hello?
- Hello, and you have at home someone there?
- Yes, but what?
- Oh, a public poll ...
Joke #57433 —  
 
-4
 
The bus is a vehicle in which there is always free
place when he goes in the opposite direction you desired.
Joke #57432 —  
 
-4
 
The President promised that soon the road in Russia will be such
same as in Germany. To this end, Germany has already sent the first two hundred
bulldozers.
Joke #57431 —  
 
2
 
Do unto pedagogical universities! Profession: teacher gives you and your
close to a lifetime warranty against kidnapping for ransom!
Joke #57430 —  
 
-4
 
Did you know that the pilots of Formula 1 have approximately the same
overload, the blonde at the time of reading.
Joke #57429 —  
 
-1
 
Here's how to enter in the U.S. Dry Law, and began the peasants Great
Depression
Joke #57428 —  
 
-4
 
On the wedding anniversary husband gave his wife a frying pan ...
A wife to her husband - a helmet.
Joke #57427 —  
 
-2
 
Only the Russian people, having got drunk in the July heat tridtsatigradusnuyu
warm vodka can sing "Oh, frost, frost, frost is not me ..."
Joke #57426 —  
 
1
 
Russian man known for his ability to find a way out of the most difficult situations, but even more famous for its ability to find the entrance there. . .

Joke #57425 —  
 
0
 
On the beach sunbathing husband and wife. Suitable for him and appealed to the Georgian peasant:
- Daragoy, pashly for larok, some sho show
A guy gets up, goes to a Georgian. Go to a stall, the Georgians said
-I tebe show, but you do not who are not govary!
Guy soglashaetsya. Georgian lack of pants "set" the size of a hand. The man in shock return to the beach for his wife.
- What he showed you?
- I promised not to speak.
- But I'm your wife!
- No, I can not say.
Vsetaki ugovariv husband, the wife learns about the "device". It takes three days, the husband returned home from the store. Opens the door full of smoke! Runs into the kitchen - two glasses of brandy and flowers. Flies in the bedroom, the wife in bed naked next to the Georgians. Georgian:
- A! Chatter! zahady!

Joke #57424 —  
 
-4
 
- Where the hell is gone to the cashier?
- Gone to the races, sir.
- It's unheard of! During business hours?
- Yes, sir. But this is the only chance to reduce the annual balance sheet.

Joke #57423 —  
 
-4
 
The telephone rings. The hostess picks up the receiver:
- Hello!
- Tell me. . . I'm with you on the phone talking to? - Thickly asks a male voice.
- No, on TV!
- Lord Direct broadcast, and I - in shorts!

Joke #57422 —  
 
6
 
- Here is a fish-saw, hammer-head. . .
- And what do you so interested?
- What are they there, bitches, build?

Joke #57421 —  
 
0
 
- Hello! This is phone sex?
- Oh, yes, but my shalunishka! I slowly take off my blouse and. . .
- This is the police are concerned.
- All-all! Already dressed and gone!

Joke #57420 —  
 
1
 
The conversation in my heart:
- Why did you began to shave the hair around the penis?
- Very easy! If he does not want to stand, then have nothing to lay in the soft bedding!

Joke #57419 —  
 
-2
 
1976. Bobruisk. Personnel weighted plant:
- Hello, I'm a tinsmith, I want to work for you.
- Write a statement.
- But I do not know how to write, I am illiterate.
- Then I'm sorry, we can not accept you.
1996. St. Petersburg. Solid new Russian walking along the Nevsky Prospect with elegant long-legged blonde. On the way they come across jewelry store. Come.
- Misha, I have long dreamed of such a necklace with emeralds!
- Well, dear, that you are still here like it?
- Here are the earrings and kulonchik.
- Wrap, please, all this. How many of me?
- Two hundred thousand dollars!
Misha is calculated with the seller, taking out a diplomat from a lot of money.
The seller is perplexed:
- Why do you carry with you such a huge amount of cash? It is much easier to write a check, is not it?
- Oh, if I knew how to write, I'd still be working a tinsmith in Bobruisk.

Joke #57418 —  
 
-2
 
Guy on the cart enters the village:
- People! I brought the coal!
All in a lather, who was murdered in a trash horse turns:
- Oh, shit one's, you brought ...

Joke #57417 —  
 
2
 
This gentleman always knows how to properly file a lady's hand when she is chosen from the cellar with a sack of potatoes.

Joke #57416 —  
 
2
 
Not so terrible Petrossian, as his audience ...
Joke #57415 —  
 
-3
 
In my view, Russia no longer went to the emblem in the form of two-headed bear ...
Joke #57414 —  
 
-1
 
Girl wrote a play. Characters: Prince, Princess, an elderly man
18.
Joke #57413 —  
 
-1
 
Man 23x years growing up in height, up 66ti in width and up to the end of life in
depth.
Joke #57412 —  
 
-1
 
Commissioned in Moscow, Georgian organized crime groups "werewolves in epaulets" put honest
rights, they stitched it - put. The day went for werewolves
payment, only came to the bandits - they were caught, cancer, and put three
hours in the ass fuck. Werewolves yelling: for that, we also put your
client?
- Guys, yes you do not get me wrong, nothing personal - just business, customer
you
from prison, ordered ...
Joke #57411 —  
 
2
 
- Wee heard Rabinovich, Minister Nurgaliev issued an instruction on
politeness.
- Now what - mine will not be in the police beat, rob and called him
Jew's face?
- Will. But politely and fairly, and to apologize at the end.
Joke #57410 —  
 
1
 
In Russian roads, and Russian officials have a lot in common ...
For example, the documents they pull on one amount, but really - just to
another.
Joke #57409 —  
 
1
 
In 1874, hockey players first began to use the sink to protect
groin. In 1974 they first began to use a helmet. Almost
hundred years before they realized that the brain is also a vital
important body.
Joke #57408 —  
 
2
 
The pharmacy:
- Do you have activated charcoal?
- We only inactivated. But you can send an SMS to the short
Number 4343. In response comes the activation code.
Joke #57407 —  
 
1
 
Sobral donkey animals in the woods, and said:
- Animals, I can no longer live, I daily fucking wolf. Catches and
that.
Beasts called the wolf, they say that you did. Wolf says:
- Guys, well, I can not just wake up all thought of a donkey. And how
meet him - all I can not control myself.
Animals understand that it's all wrong, of course, but the wolf, female, healthy.
- Donkey - they say the animals - the wolf, too, just without the joys of leaving
not, but let us agree: it now you will not fuck
daily, and on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
On Monday, the wolf came to the donkey, well, the donkey has suffered Tuesday
attuned to rest. But on Tuesday the wolf came again, and says:
- Listen, now, let us today through tomorrow.
- Come on, - sighed donkey, and he did in his notebook pometochku. However
tomorrow again. And the day after tomorrow, too. They come in a couple of animals
months.
- Well, that - ask - Donkey changed your life?
- Yes, - has joyfully shouting donkey - yes, changed! Well, that is, fuck-it
I still have every day, but! But now I am little diary!
Joke #57406 —  
 
1
 
Chechen caught a golden fish. Playing the do not know what to do with it.
- Now make a wish.
- And Th is this?
- Well how do you explain yesterday that's caught me and asked Azerbaijani
1 000 000 dollars, well I did. And what do you want?
- Address, shit!
Joke #57405 —  
 
2
 
Weather forecast: "Tomorrow during the day anything is possible ..."
Joke #57404 —  
 
-2
 
Man sunbathing on a nudist beach, avoid sunburn
closed its most important organ of the hat. Passing by the lady slyly
remarked:
- If you were a real gentleman, you would have tipped his hat in
the presence of ladies.
- Madam, if you were a lady, she roused herself to herself!
Joke #57403 —  
 
10
 
Andrei has a sister. She is ten years old, and he was twenty-two. Five years ago she gave a set of letters, magnets and a special board for them. To the child developed and taught letters. He was a good gift, only the board was small, the letters have been many, not enough for long sentences. And it made it to the big white metal door refrigerator. It was very convenient. On the refrigerator hung different positive phrases like "I love MAMU PAPUA AND ANDREW. In a set did not include punctuation marks, and they were not needed. Andrew began tusit early. In 13 years he made himself a tattoo on his forearm, but then began to spoil yard girls. And yet his parents often rested in the country and took with him a daughter. All weekend. The next Sunday evening the parents returned. Andrew knew that the girls removed all washed all the dishes, the guys threw all the rubbish. I have such hangouts were in the apartment of a couple of times, my parents rarely leave the house for a long time, and the girls really wanted to. However, sometimes obtained embarrassment. For example, once my mother came back and found washed clean of all the salt that its incredibly surprised. I do not remember how I refuted all insinuations, but I think my mother certainly knew. So Andrew clearly knew that the fault is not useless. Despite all the Sodom and Gomorrah, which are arranged in the apartment during the day, everything was removed as a barracks for the arrival of Sgt. However, his mother called out to the kitchen.
Joke #57401 —  
 
-5
 
AvtoVaz - as Lenin in the mausoleum: money to spend considerable sums on maintenance, and hopes that will arise and go - no.
Joke #57400 —  
 
2
 
Comes in. aunt in a supermarket. He gets a shopping list and asked the seller:
- Meat is a?
- No!
- And the eggs?
- Again, no!
- Laundry detergent?
- Nope!
- A travilka for cockroaches? !
- No!
- Dishwashing liquid?
- No!
- Dog food?
- No!
- What do you vasche for a store? ! Nothing! B. They closed it to hell!
- Key not!

Joke #57399 —  
 
-9
 
Before the court is a tramp with a beard.
- If you have done all the charges against you, - says the judge - then you have a conscience should be as black as your beard.
- If you judge the conscience of his beard - objected tramp - that you do not quite.

Joke #57398 —  
 
-1
 
Comes a drunk guy home.
His wife said: - Where you been, you beast.
Husband:
- Do not believe it. I went suddenly from behind a corner and the car takes off at me ... Awoke, and here on my horse's hoof bang on the forehead ... After 15 minutes, get up, and then the aircraft wing broads ...
Wife:
- Vries, how you talk.
Husband:
- Do not believe me - ask karuselschika!

Joke #57397 —  
 
2
 
Young gypsy wondering boyfriend:
- I see a girl near you. . . oh, and you have planted it in the grandmother. . .
For older gypsy pushes her to the side and hissed:
- Do not talk to him about what is happening now, you tell him about the future.

Joke #57396 —  
 
1
 
Call by phone:
- Hello! I'm your neighbor from above. How much can you! Immediately stop your pilikane! If pilikane will continue to go on, I have a roof Early Rada Elections Necessary!
- Already moved out. Fiddle was sold a week ago.

Joke #57395 —  
 
5
 
- In my opinion, the greatest happiness for a woman - is to marry a man whom she wanted.
- No, the greatest happiness - to marry a man for whom would get another!

Joke #57394 —  
 
2
 
- Listen, Izzy, I know a brilliant way to eat in the restaurant for free.
- Well, Abram, tell me.
- You go to a good restaurant shortly before closing. We order zakusochku, the best dishes, desserts, cognac. When all the waiters will go away, the latter will come to you, and you say: "I have already paid for your friend that left."
The next day, went to the restaurant. Order all of the full program and sit. Finally fit the last waiter:
- Sorry, but it's time to close, please pay your order.
Abram:
- But we have to the person who gave the money.
Izzy:
- By the way, we still have to wait long for delivery?

Joke #57393 —  
 
2
 
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