Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
Grandmother sitting at the entrance. From the school is Vovochka. Smokes in the hands of the bottle
Beer, Fingal eye. Pasterns reproachfully burchat:
- Quite blossomed! And where the teacher is looking?!
Little Johnny, spitting:
- When I fuck her lying, then - in the ceiling, and when the cancer - in the wall!
- Why only 30% of the act of women go to Heaven?
- Yes because if they had more it was not paradise, but hell!
- A girl can meet you?
- Well, try it. Are you a sign?
- Wild boar. And you?
- No, you do not boar you - Pig. I've - goat.
- You are sheep, not goat!
- Oh, we are not approaching on the calendar. Bye!
- Goodbye! Sorry. Good luck!
You have already decided on the gifts on New Year? If not, then great
option will become collector's edition "All the series Santa Barbara"
500-DVD discs. Or "Santa Barbara - Favorites total of 200 DVD.
Bored on New Year's holidays do not have to.
If this winter, the utility will not ready for snow removal --
would move to live in Africa.
Announcement. Warning Storks must urgently undergo gynecological checkup
and Venerology and make a flu shot.
- Mr. Prime Minister! These "green" very brazen!
- Moreover, they require non-waste technologies in the industry,
so they - Well it must think of! - Require recoilless technology
- A patient at that complaining?
- On the leaking of information, doctor!
- What's the matter?
- Agent of the funeral home came before you!
- Light of my mirror, tell ...
- Sorry, but all operators are busy now. Please call
- At offended carry water!
- Yes? A merry chase empty!
What is different from Russian Jews?
Jews do not like each other, but help, and the Russian love, but do not help.
If the question is not worth it, no one will satisfy.
Makes no sense to make a wish, if you see how falls closest to
- Why can not a woman on the Red Square to fuck?
- There rink flooded.
Every since birth - his vocation, but many can not
History must repeat itself. When Mars will create the earth
colonies, the indigenous Martians will drive in the reserve. Then the moon will
bring the slaves, and yet, after some time, their descendants would be called
A call to the firm:
- Tell me, and your company is working on a barter basis?
- Yes. Works. But only with commercial banks.
For women vibrator - is a thing in itself.
Little Nostradamus mother:
- Mom, what we have today for lunch?
- And then you bitch, do not know ...
- Tell me, where is the train to Odessa?
- Already gone.
- That Good day! Where?
Who does not risk, he does not drink champagne.
And do not listen to Mendelssohn.
There are no first-class engineers, or second-stuffing.
Russia's oligarchs, led by Berezovsky sit together in a cauldron in hell.
Devils drags another condemned and throw it into the cauldron.
The company sees a Gorbachev, and grim ofigevaet.
- Mikhail Sergeyevich, you have something to us what brings you here? Here, because
say, on the financial problems people sit ...
- Shut up, jerk! Yes, I prosral more than you all together c3, 14zdili!
Latest technology, as usual, proved to be indecent.
My wife says her husband from the kitchen:
- Dear, rendered garbage.
- Che, not hear?
- Dear, rendered garbage.
- Why not hear anything?
- Delivers the trash!
- Shut up, fool, I did not hear the TV!
All the money does not earn, all the girls do not peretrahat, the whole world
not win ... But be buhim every day - this is real!
Commander of the Colonel, said leytehe - slave:
- If all goes according to plan, drill a hole for the order.
- And if all goes according to plan?
- Well, in this case a hole you already have ...
Why the race "Formula 1" is not carried out in Vladivostok? Because of
5 seconds, the wheels have time to not only withdraw, but to sell.
Zina became pregnant by Wasi and invites him to marry.
- Well no, Zin, well, you Che, I'm still a young guy, I still under the yoke early.
- Vaska, skunk, do not get married - go to Moscow, get on the Crimean
bridge and jump in the river!
- That is, Zin, I'm writing, I always respected him: you and fuck cool,
and even where the athlete!
- You do not Indesit home electronics?
- No, not Indesit. And what should indezet?
A doctor at the bedside:
- Yes, the situation difficult. You hemiplegia.
- Hemiplegia? What's that?
- Well, it means that you have the entire right half is not working.
- And all that I have left to work?
- Yes, all that you have left, will work fine.
The patient begins to do something good arm under the blanket.
- What are you doing down there hand?
- So, doctor, urgently needs to be saved, that you can.
Heroin addict boils over a candle. The telephone rings. He picks up the receiver:
- Do you still boil?
- Yes ...
- Then we go to you!
"Korean - man's best friend," - thought the dog bitten patient clinics,
receiving 40-second shot in the stomach with rage.
- Something today after work, you look very tired. Probably
too difficult crossword caught.
Two ladies in the store are a conversation:
- You know, Maria, in front of a mountain detergents, which we propose
I'm just at a loss. What you are using for washing floors?
- My husband. Result magnificent!
- A girl, a girl, you had served in the cavalry?
- No, and that his legs crooked?
- No, a horse's snout ...
Estonian figure skaters turned to the International Olympic Committee with
request or to prohibit execution of jumps in 4 turns or increase
a third time, an arbitrary program.
21 indication of why hard to be a man.
1. Men's nipples are useless - and in terms of sex, and in terms of
biological feasibility. And sometimes she wants to feed
2. We can not solve the problem, just burst into tears.
3. We are more often dirty fingernails.
4. And we can not paint them with red lacquer.
5. We can not be scratched during orgasm. Not bite too
recommended. And women can be!
6. We have no good reason to add much to
weight after the birth of their first child.
7. When we add the weight, none of the parts of the body that make us
sexy, does not increase in volume.
8. Even if a man grow fat, so that will be like a woman on
ninth month of pregnancy, in the subway would still yield to no one
9. When a woman hits a man, he could not give her change. This law
which can not be violated, even if it hits below the belt, that is, between
feet. And where is the law that allows us in this case at least tweak it
breasts? There is no law!
10. If a man is neither a developed intellect, nor the speed of mind
and generally devoid of any kind was a natural wit, he
can wrap it all in his favor, just wearing tight t-shirt.
11. For us not being chased down the street shouting: "Do not give your telefonchik?"
12. We did not ask: "What are you doing tonight?"
13. We are not buying him drinks just for the fact that we have long legs and
elastic buttocks. The exception - a gay bar.
14. Man can pierce his navel, nipple or tongue. But it will
speak not of easy virtue and love of adventure, like women, but about
that this man - an idiot.
15. For women, there is no mother in law!
16. We do not have sexual underwear. All that we have - these are
pants, which are currently recognized as the most recent.
17. Furthermore: if a man wears a stylish and sexy, its
necessarily take for sexual minorities. Women
are all exactly the opposite.
18. Women do not have to pluck hairs from the nostrils!
19. Women have never been accused of male chauvinism!
20. We under no circumstances will get instant
organize voluntary society wishing to join with us in sexual
us, just go to a nightclub after 22.30 and dazzling
21. We can not be worn on a gold and diamonds. Exception - Semen
It was so boring, that ran away from him even a rubber woman ...
They talk to two man-eater:
- They say you do not like the students?
- Yes, I just do not digest them!
There is somehow Churchill on the River Thames, an old friend to meet him.
Churchill asked how things were going, as a wife and children.
- Well, sir, - responsible friend, - I love my wife, recently
She brought me a ninth child.
"Hmm .. m, - thought Churchill - I also had very love my cigar, but at least
Sometimes I take out her mouth. "
- Grandma, I can not! We describe!
- Be patient, his grandson, be patient. God is patient, and we ordered!
- What are manufactured soy sausage?
- From Bobik.
Pideresta most cherished dream: to become the next life a cat to
be able to lick their own eggs.
And God created woman.
And she succumbed to the temptation of the Serpent.
I tasted the fruit of the Forbidden.
And poimela big problems.
And so far they have every month!
My friend, I heard that you were not walking with Vasya?
- I my doctor is not allowed.
- And by what right the doctor intervenes in your personal life?
- She is his wife!
At Sunday worship pastor invites the community:
- Shut your eyes and turn to God in prayer: "Lord, open to us
eyes ... "
- Just saw one young man tried to kiss your
- And he succeeded?
- No, not possible.
- So, it was not my wife.
What makes men chase women, which they do not have
no intention of marrying?
The same desire that makes dogs chase cars
they have no intention to.
you - come from the USSR, if:
- Saw a crowd of people in the hallway asking - who is extreme?
- Being abroad from Russian songs ready to sing "Katyusha" and "Union
- Even working at a major Western company, you know that work is not the wolf and
- If your withdrawal is not a bank or ATM, and the savings bank
- You still believe in a brighter future
- A new year always buy tangerines, make a bowl Olivier and
buy a lot of vodka
- Confident that the currency is liquid and
- The words "Well, let's go" does not relate to you on the trip
- Firmly know that the dog's name was Ronald Reagan
- Still remember that we have to answer "the party said to be"
- You know at least 5 ways of cooking liquor in
- Think on Friday before a holiday weekend
- Clean aluminum spoons in the dining room feel with good service
- Know a verbatim transcript of acronyms - engineers, TCI, TRP, electrification, CC
CPSU, the ZCTU, the NKVD, Gulag, etc., etc.
- When referring to a policeman say, "commander", "Comrade Sergeant,"
or "citizen of the head"
- Know the answer to the question "if there is no tap water"
- Remember how to tie a tie Pioneer
- With a sad smile, remembering that the USSR was no sex
- Do not forget the names of those who first hoisted the flag on the Reichstag in 1945
- And you still want to go back ...