Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
Evolution, evolution, shit - the glass is 4000 years, and flies on him still fighting!
- Hello, I have to you have two bottles of vodka: one good, one bad. With what to begin?
Exodus became acquainted with a decade of her son knew of my acquaintances. Discovering that you can talk with me, the boy asked if I knew the story. - Well, in general terms - I mumbled, not to lose face. - Well, when the Tatar-Mongols captured Russian in slavery? - I checked the alert child. - Well, it is considered that started the whole thing in the 20 years of the 13th century, the Battle of Kulikov was in 1380, and the final liberation from the yoke happened 100 years later - I did not hit a person.
Lesson in the school, theme of the lesson - "Gambling problems on the development of logic"
The teacher asks:
- What happens if devouring core, non-destructive crash into the wall?
- Expensive Vodka, Chenopodium Ivanovna!
- And my father said: "We in Russia have always been so, first some kind of incomprehensible x. . nya happen, then vodka is more expensive. "
Plane crashes. In the living, jumping with a parachute, is a stewardess. Landed on an uninhabited island with only experienced it in a dream hit. Awakes, sits next guy, meat roasts. She! :
- Who are you? Where did?
- Yes I am a criminal. I was on this island 15 years ago, one left, thought I'll die. And I, Bulli, caruncle baluyus.
- Oh, and I would have eaten!
- And what will you give in exchange for meat?
- Well, except that you have not tried 15 years! (A guy jumps up, rushes to embrace her)
- My dear! Wishing you mine! It really brought the vodka?
Girls speak okoloseksualnuyu topic. One says:
- Yes if you want from the peasant is always possible to fight off!
- I do not understand. If you want to, why fight back?
- Okay, last question. Answer - put the top three, and go home.
- You know, professor, I have another suggestion. You put me right now four, and I teach you to use your mobile phone and helps to remove the bills from your salary over the past year and a half.
Normal night. Husband and wife in bed, can not sleep: a wall of screams neighborhood child.
- Do you still want to have a baby?
- Yes, one must somehow take revenge! . .
- Watson, I have to have two news: good and bad. First bad: our house is demolished.
- Bulldozer. In its place will be rumochnaia.
- A good one?
- Good, Watson! Good, comfortable and inexpensive rumochnaia.
Conversation of two motorists:
- Did you hear? In Russia will build toll roads. They will be two times cheaper than free.
- How's that?
- At the toll roads will not be STSI.
The women's magazine:
- We then ask: how much should a man - he wants or how many can?
The answer: what will!
- The woman - she as a violin. A violin can only drive in nails ... on the other can play a fantastic, magical music. The violin will thrill ... suffer and rejoice in your hands. But for this to be a real master and a gust of each string ...
- If a woman - a violin, then who is man?
- Barrel organ! To play on it enough to know where the pen ...
Television. Shooting House-2. Someone shouts: "Ksenya bad! Urgent
mmm ... Tasty ..... as the orbits of pasta!)))
In order not to overdo it should sleep eight hours a day, and still the same
Lord - one.
A fan-clubs - many.
- Say, Less Than your husband at least once did not come home at night?
- Yes, it was like a decade ago. But maybe he'll be back ...
My wife comes from a business trip. Walks into the apartment, turns to her husband:
- Expensive, but where is my favorite dog?
- Honey, it is dirtied in my shoes, and I threw her from the balcony.
- Expensive, but where is my favorite pet?
- She dirtied directly on the carpet, and I threw her from the balcony.
- Expensive, but where is my favorite parrot?
- Honey, he shat by the cell, and I threw him from the balcony.
- Dear, I'm even afraid to ask, where is my beloved mother ...
Comes to a doctor man, and says:
- Doctor, when I play the violin, I have a member rises. What is it with
The doctor examined the patient for a long time, but found nothing. Then he says:
- Come back tomorrow with a violin, and we'll see.
The next day the patient comes with a violin. Takes off his pants and begins
play. He immediately gets up member, and then by a doctor.
The patient is asked:
- What is it, doctor?
- In my opinion, you have music bitching!
And briefly about the weather. Australian scientists were forecast on
the next 100 years. Lying is starting to take global scale!
Hit of sales! Female mirror with built-in "web designs".
- Hello, I have to you have two bottles of vodka: one good,
one bad. With what to begin?
Yesterday at the hospital asked the little boy with a nail in the transverse. He said he was scratching on the new Lexuse word hick and hand slipped.
A man fell overboard. A shark bit off his penis. Floundering, he accidentally caught a goldfish. That tells him that fulfill one wish. A man once asked: - Do I let my dick was meter in length and thicker. Fish: - Done. Guy: - What is it surfaced? Fish: - Shark. Choke your member.
Guy on a general medical examination. The doctor says to him: - You must deposit an analysis of your sperm. Here's a special pot, bring to it your sperm. Bring it to me tomorrow. The next day guy comes, gets a jar - it's empty, like yesterday! - What is it? - Asked the doctor in surprise. - I really tried. It tried. First, the left hand, then right. My wife helped me - with both hands, even the mouth, at first just her lips, and then the teeth. Neither in what! My daughter tried, does not work! Then we even asked our neighbor to help. She also tried with both hands, then mouth, teeth missing. It did not help ...
A call to teh.support .... Girl years 7-10 .... She: Hello, help me to configure VPN. Teh.spetsialist: Hello, and kogonibut on older you can not call? She: Yes, they do not understand anything here .... He: Okay, click Start, control panel-network connections ... She: Uncle ..... Under my FRYAHU !!!!!!
When the Giant Schnauzer puppy grows, he begins to try to take the top step of the hierarchy. At this point, have ruthlessly suppress all his attempts to build the family members, friends and neighbors. They say the owners of Giant Schnauzers, the dog must peel the stool, or if the dog is not broken at least one stool in the family grows a ruthless tyrant, a thunderstorm children, who considers himself a leader of the pack. That's about the same thing happens with the sysadmin. When a sysadmin appears in the office, it is modest, thin, slightly pimply youth with the complexes. The first time he helps everyone he affectionate and attentive. But gradually the situation is changing, and the system administrator starts to test his strength and tries to become a "leader". If at this point not to start to peel the stools, then you will not have time to look back, how to spot a nice humble young man rassyadetsya dirty ill-mannered brute, who calls his book juzverej and lamer. Now peel it too late, we must dismiss.
At the World Championships in Athletics he ran the first Kenyan athlete, the second brought the Russian, who is on the way managed to celebrate its silver.
Announcement in the toilet a large financial company.
"Gentlemen, Be thrifty!
Use both sides of toilet paper. "
Little Johnny from the kindergarten has brought them a card made by March 8 with application.
Artistic grandmother very ably portrayed delight:
- But who did it?
- Yes, what is the charm! Which How nice!
Little Johnny proudly:
- And you think I am some x # # nude on holiday podsunu?
If you are afraid to correct them, have a drink before eating 150 grams of cognac. He ... dulls the sense of fear! ...
Russian people, if something good to do udumaet, it is good and will do. And no casualties and destruction did not stop.
Parents learn that their son masturbates summoned psychiatrist. Psychiatrist:
- Boy, tell me please, why are you doing this?
- Well, I get pleasure from this, and I hand over sperm in sperm bank. There I paid 50 bucks. Last week, I make 250 bucks a month for 1000. - Meets boy
- And the parents give you money?
- No, they - are unemployed.
- Doctor, and that to me? - Asks a puzzled boy
- Are you all right, but parents should be treated!
Beauty shyly asks farmatsefta.
- Tell me and you have Flucostat or Diflucan?
- Yes, Diflucan 1 pill
- And they should take both women and men?
Another embarrassment and blushing
- Then let THREE
Yesterday at the hospital asked the little boy with a nail in the transverse. According to him, he was scratching on the new Lehus word hick - and his hand slipped ...
A guy goes hunting, Cheresov couple of hours vozvrashaetsya home.
His wife asks:
- Darling, and Th from you govnitsom something smells?
- Well, you know, dear, I went hunting with Sharik. I went into the woods, and then ball had disappeared, well, I go and find the lair. Well, I poked a gun there and hop ... Someone in the back two paws on my shoulders, put it. I turned around and, in principle, I see that this ball, but to shit has to stop I can not! ..
1. Pigs orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (30 minutes! Nifigase ... I want to be a pig in my next life!)
2. In som more than 27 000 taste buds. (And that there is such a tasty on the bottom?)
3. Cockroach live without a head 9 days, then dies of starvation. (I still think about the pig ...)
4. Flea can jump a distance of 350 times greater than the length of its body. All the same, that a man jumped over a football field. (30 minutes.. Pancake ... lucky pig ... just imagine!)
5. Elephants - the only animals that can not jump. (It's even better.)
6. Some lions mate as many more than 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in the next life - quality above quantity!)
7. A cat's urine glows under ultraviolet light. (I wonder who paid for it is found?)
8. The eyes of the ostrich more than its brain. (I know several such people)
9. At starfish there are no brain. (And these people I know)
10. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Hey! But what about the pig?)
Wife grumbles at pripozdnivshegosya drunken husband:
- Where were you devils? !
- Zina. . You see them too? - Fearfully asked dumbfounded husband.
- Dad, I decided to learn to counsel.
- Right, but the prosecutor in our family is, and has no lawyer.
- Who in our family, the prosecutor?
- Who? Your mom.
Power is fed taxes, and representatives of the authorities - with bribes.
Enough to stick to and messenger!
Please leave your friends on FSBuke ...
Men remarkably illogical: assert that all women are the same, and
constantly changing one another.
Pharmacist, stretches visitor medicine and sweetly smiling, says:
- Here is the newest, most radical remedy for constipation.
- Then let's just something for diarrhea and - wary responsible
A special case of Archimedes for alcoholics: It turns out that the liquid
or smoke, immersed in the human body, too, are pushing forces.
Normal night. Husband and wife in bed, can not sleep: beyond the wall
screams the neighbor's child.
- Do you still want to have a baby?
- Yes, one must somehow take revenge! ..
Upon learning of his wife's betrayal, the reaction of most men - to get out and
go to his mistress.
Bring to sin not promise, but I spend.
The lesson: Teacher: - Little Johnny, is it true that the rich help the poor?
Little Johnny: - Of course it is true Maria Ivanovna!
Teacher: - Here is an example!
Little Johnny: - Well, when the wino Vasya from next door wrote on
Daddy's Lexus Loch, then the pope himself has paid him treatment.
- Where the ax? - I gave the queen of elves. - And an ax-from where? ..
- Vasili Ivanovich, I thought up in an artillery regiment to go. - You're a fool, Petka: here you and the horse and saddle, and give a piece, and then what? - And then after each shot - rollback ...