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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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Fisherman sits on the shore. One threw the bait into the river, and another in the bushes. Suitable second:
- Listen, why do you bait in the bushes threw?
- It's my secret. Come on. The river is big.
- Listen, now, tell me, I'll pour a glass.
- Okay, pour.
He drank it and says:
- I mean, I do not know that today, catch the bait in the river, but on this - do I have the fifth.

Joke #58590 —  
 
-2
 
- Sorry, but I already have a girl.
- And if you offered Lamborghini, you also say: "Sorry, but I already have a Lada?

Joke #58589 —  
 
1
 
BASIC RULES FOR SEATED on a strict diet.

Food from someone else's dish meal is not considered.
If nobody sees what you eat, the food has no calories.
If you eat standing up, the calories go to the legs and spent during walking.
If you drink diet soda with a dessert, they are mutually exclusive of each
other.
Food used for medical purposes, food is not considered, including
chocolate consumed for energy, ice cream, as antidepressants
etc.
Sauce to the salad and any intgridienty in a salad (cheese, ham, tuna,
avkado ...) are not considered. Since you eat just a salad.
Food you eat in the cinema, does not contain calories, because
is part of the entertainment, and not part of your personal fuel.
Broken-off pieces of baking are not considered. Only whole baking contains
calories.
When you eat with someone else, calories do not think that if you both eat
same amount.
Foods that you try while cooking, contains no calories.
Joke #58588 —  
 
-1
 
- Whose portrait?
- Aphrodite.
- And why black woman?
- It Afroafrodita!
Joke #58587 —  
 
-2
 
if there is a teacher work, should be, probably, a teacher lounge?
Joke #58586 —  
 
-2
 
Ladies! When you turned 30, be sure to make
a decent photoshowroom 4 pieces photos 3 to 4, then to ...
45 ... the exchange of passports ...
Joke #58585 —  
 
1
 
If she suddenly begins to think about the beauty of the names of his
young man, I can only say: Run, boy, run!
Joke #58584 —  
 
1
 
Tipsy surgeon refused to do plastic surgery woman
saying that she and so beautiful.
Joke #58583 —  
 
1
 
- Son, it's time to tell where you come from.
- Dad, yes, I know where the children are taken! The guys in the yard said.
- No shit you do not know! This certificate of adoption, that address your
these parents!
Joke #58353 —  
 
0
 
In Holland, 13-year-old girl had gathered to make a single circumnavigation
travel. "Genes have their" - thought mom girl, remembering how 13
years ago, she turned to her to sleep Fedor Konyukhov.
Joke #58352 —  
 
-1
 
Entire team of Russia in race walking was disqualified because of
availability of doping. In the heel test was found turpentine.
Joke #58351 —  
 
-1
 
Boy - girl: - Did you know that 93 percent of women masturbate in the shower, while the rest sing one song. - What? - So masturbiruesh ...
Joke #58350 —  
 
10
 
Crisis - oo is still in tight jeans shove a fat girl: like all right, but a complete ass ...
Joke #58349 —  
 
2
 
- Are you married? - Yes. - How much time? - Half of the ninth.
Joke #58348 —  
 
6
 
Boy and girl lying in a hayloft, having experienced the first joy of love. The girl clung to the guy: - Vanya, and you looked after me until someone else? - Caring. Over the beast ... But this is so, without love.
Joke #58347 —  
 
7
 
The site SMS mask can send sms from messenger for only 15 rubles. Make a nice man she loved. SMS completely anonymous. The recipient sees the message that the sender - his Guardian Angel. For example: Message from the Angel: Everything on in your life will be a white strip. Your Guardian Angel. Those who've registered - 50% discount. It is very simple - Click here to send an anonymous SMS now!
Joke #58346 —  
 
-5
 
Estonian boy comes home from school, and he has a wife and three children!
Joke #58345 —  
 
7
 
We are able to speak without a mat. The vocabulary of most of us is big enough to express any thought without using foul language. Trouble shooting is that much easier to say: "What kind of garbage there naebnulas", instead of saying "I think the ping to the server does not go more than a minute. It is likely that he is now inoperable and needs to be maintenance
Joke #58344 —  
 
3
 
My cat often shit on the corners, I have him for this luplyu, and I think he thinks I'm his luplyu for the fact that he has little shit.
Joke #58343 —  
 
8
 
- Comrade policeman! My wife left the house to walk the day before yesterday and still not returned.
- Describe her as she was dressed?
- Well, a woman in a dress. Since it was a dog.
- What dog?
- Fox, height 32 cm, the right eye black on the back of the left hand - a white spot, a dog collar - black, eyes - brown.

Joke #58342 —  
 
4
 
Man comes to his friend - the dentist at work. Sit and talk.
Suddenly the phone rings. Dude picks up the receiver - this is his wife - is urgently requested to come. He says the peasant: - Listen, sit there for half an hour for me. Just do nothing. I quickly. Well, nothing to do. Remained.
Only the friend left, a woman comes in, respectively, all in gold and urgently requests to tear her tooth. Says:
- Pay $ 500, only faster.
Well, the man decides "Was-was not" for the sake of money is worth the risk. Takes mites, stuffing them into his mouth and pulls hard. The woman started screaming, clutching her hands over her mouth and runs out of the office.
Five minutes later the house of two taxis shestisotykh and from there dumped music box. The healthiest bursts into the room and shouted:
- Are you a dentist?
Well, the man thinks "it all came to an end, and only nodded his head.
Suddenly mate throws a pack of green on the table, takes off his gold chain, watches. Says:
- You know that you just did? Know?
- N-N-no.
- Are you my mother-tongue torn out!

Joke #58341 —  
 
1
 
Interviewed at the film's director:
- Artist, who stole the script for five million dollars, and then tries to flee with an incredible effort, played magnificently. His emotions were inimitable. Suffering on his face when he was breaking into the blood nails, climbing on rocks, or caught on the trailing truck on the road at a speed of 100 kilometers per hour, stunningly realistic.
And the climax, when he was a 50-meter bridge jumping into the icy water, as it seemed plausible: in the eyes of a wild fear, but at the same time a hope and an incredible desire in spite of everything away from his pursuers. No wonder he got an Oscar. How did you, so that both played a singer?
- Money was real ...

Joke #58340 —  
 
2
 
In one small American town some businessman has decided to open a tavern. The trouble is that he was on the same street as the church.
Naturally, the church leadership is not satisfied, and each sermon is called on citizens to stand up and pray that God punish negligent businessman. The day before the announced opening of the tavern was a strong thunderstorm, lightning struck the tavern and it burned to the ground. The churchmen were delighted, but not for long - a tavern owner gave them to court to demand compensation. Those, of course, denied everything. After hearing both sides, the judge said: "I still do not know what the verdict to make, but from the case, it follows that a tavern owner believes in the power of prayer, and all the church leadership - for some reason, no ..."

Joke #58339 —  
 
0
 
Two old women, all wrinkled, swinging. One says:
- Yesterday, on TV, like Brigitte Bardot lives. And it showed itself. Do you remember when we were young, everybody wanted to look exactly like her?
- Well.
- Well, our dream has come true.

Joke #58338 —  
 
4
 
- Mama, Mama! - Said the Little Red Riding Hood. - I've been to my grandmother went through the forest, and there fell trees, saw my red cap - and began to me in every way sexually harassing and pestering!
Mom, pulling a girl's red hat:
- Lumberjack say ... Pestered ... Sit still at home! Mom quickly! ...

Joke #58337 —  
 
4
 
He sits on the shore of a monkey, can not smoke. Beaver swim up. He took his nose, is coming to a monkey:
- Give it once pyhnut!
- Okay, here! Only the better to stuck, tighten, dive - and the bottom to the other side, there vydohnesh!
So he did. Vynyrivayem on the shore, exhales - right in the face behemoth, which stands there. Behemoth:
- Where did you get?
- Yes won, on the shore of the monkey smokes - she regaled.
Behemoth dives and run along the bottom at the shore. Vynyrivayem front of the monkey. That drops the jamb and shouted:
- Exhale, beaver, exhale!

Joke #58336 —  
 
2
 
The priest goes to the car, sees a nun going along the road and offers her a ride to the monastery. A nun gets into a car.
Pop all the way gazes at a nun and suddenly puts his hand on her knee.
Nun:
- Father, remember Psalm 129.
- Sorry, my sister, but the flesh is so weak.
The priest removes his hand, but after some time again touches nun for her knee.
Nun:
- Father, remember Psalm 129.
Priest apologized again. This continues several times. Finally they arrive at the monastery. There, the priest looks to the Bible is Psalm 129, and reads: "Seek the above, and you will achieve your victory!"
Morality for women: if you do not want to remain unsatisfied, put it more clearly.
Morals for Men: remember once and for all: women do not say yes straight.

Joke #58335 —  
 
3
 
At the lesson the teacher asked Little Johnny:
- Chenopodium Ivanna, name the word of six letters, which are called the complete collapse and the failure of the second letter "and"?
Teacher:
- Get out of class!
Children (leaving):
- Fiasco, Chenopodium Ivanna, fiasco.

Joke #58333 —  
 
3
 
Sleep on your back is bad for the lungs, to sleep on my stomach is bad
for the intestine, sleep on the left side is bad for your heart, sleep
on the right side is harmful to the liver. The magazine "Health" wants
you pleasant dreams.
Joke #58332 —  
 
2
 
- Hello! It is psychiatry? Then the man suddenly became very good!
Joke #58331 —  
 
0
 
Toyota once again withdraws 700 thousand cars. Good reasons for withdrawal and is
by AvtoVAZ, but works just worried that even after
defects to return the car owner will be very difficult ...
Joke #58330 —  
 
-2
 
- Hottabych, but you just can fulfill my wish?
- Of course! TrahTibidoh ...
- Stop, stop, Tibidoh I did not order.
Joke #58329 —  
 
0
 
Young people aged in the 27-year anniversary, cursed order of Minister
Defense.
Joke #58328 —  
 
-2
 
If you - a pretty woman and you a little over 30, you mean 42.
Joke #58327 —  
 
2
 
The winner of "Miss Universe-2009" has identified only
photo finish. She left behind near presledovatelnitsu only half a breast.
Joke #58326 —  
 
0
 
- Unfortunately, almost all great writers have been recognized after
death!
- Ash stump: Who's going to print fee?
Joke #58325 —  
 
1
 
- Why did you give such great service to his wife?
- Why?! Now she not let me close to the sink!
Joke #58324 —  
 
1
 
The boy ran up to her mother on the street.
- Mom! A boy from the boy may be the children?
- No, of course.
Runs away from my mother, shouting:
- Anti-Semitism, continue!
Joke #58323 —  
 
1
 
All the women are divided into two categories. Some like men, are easily
can move the cabinet, to hammer a nail, to fix the car. Others like
men who can pay for men from the first category.
Joke #58322 —  
 
1
 
Eyes of fear, but hands do ... and then you get from it in the eye and
hands.
Joke #58321 —  
 
-1
 
"Three reasons to be a teacher: June, July and August.
Joke #58320 —  
 
2
 
From ad-bus: A competition - who is stronger bang
door. Prizes and gifts gives the driver mount.
Joke #58319 —  
 
1
 
- Why do so many of Putin's bodyguards?
- One by one they were afraid of him ...
Joke #58318 —  
 
3
 
Border crossing Ivangorod-Narva. Russian tourist on the car is long and tedious customs inspection ( "What fezette? Orushie, narkottiki?" Etc., etc.). Finally, the Estonian customs official asked: - Poshaalusta, open pakashnik. (Opens the trunk) - (Pointing) What Etto? - Bag. - What fnutri? - Personal belongings - clothes, linen ... - Open, pokazhitte. (Look carefully at the contents). Sakroytte. What Etto? - Case for spectacles. - What fnutri? - (Doom) Pts. - Otkroytte, pokazhitte. (Opens a blank case. Cruiserweight questioning glance Customs)
Joke #58317 —  
 
-2
 
The banquet and breaking the traditional bottle of champagne noted commissioning of the new vessel hospital orderlies Number 3.

Joke #58315 —  
 
2
 
On the birthday of his wife's husband orders a cake. Confectioner:
- What do we sign?
Husband:
- Well, write to the top - you're not getting old, and the bottom - you just get better
At the climax of the birth of all the guests gather around the cake, open the cover, read: "You're not getting old top, you just get better from the bottom!"

Joke #58314 —  
 
2
 
- Boxing - a great sport! I have to earn it's great.
- You may know, the boxer?
- God forbid. I - a dentist!

Joke #58313 —  
 
-1
 
Once a great Chinese thinker Confucius came highly educated woman at that time and asked him a question:
- Tell me, Confucius, why when a woman has many lovers, then it is subjected to public censure, and when a man has a lot of women, it increases its social status and adds credibility?
Before answering Confucius silently made tea and poured it into six cups.
- Tell me - he asked her after this - when a teapot pouring tea leaves in the six cups, it's normal?
- Yes, - said the woman.
- Look, - Confucius replied, smiling, - and when one cup is drained immediately six dummies? ...

Joke #58312 —  
 
5
 
- I think at this point you have to go to the end!
- From a pancake! Long time me so gracefully on x% d not sent ...

Joke #58311 —  
 
3
 
"Schyry" urainets comes home from work. Comes into a staircase - OFF BULB! Purely for fun presses the elevator call button ... - IT WORKS! Walks into the apartment - BATTERY HOT! Wife in the kitchen, on the gas stove preparing dinner ... Runs in the bathroom - IS and hot and cold water!
Shocked slides on the wall:
- PYZDETS! . . Komunyaky vernulys ...

Joke #58310 —  
 
3
 
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