Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
Russian - are people who manage to survive in Russia. (c) Sj
Cork - is two Russian misfortunes - fools and roads - in one place.
From the recollections of classmates:
Ivan Susanin in school has been the instigators.
- So, invite the next.
- Mr President, there you Fursenko come ...
Medvedev secondary school on 1 September, Pervoklashka.
- When I went to first grade, I never thought that I would be Dmitri
Marked "Top Secret" - the most mysterious and little-known bird in the world.
A husband and wife in the evening in bed.
- Darling! I've always been confident, but now just want to hear again - you love me?
- How much? - After some hesitation, asked her husband.
- $ 3600, darling. This bag made of genuine crocodile skin, you might be interested.
- Zaya! I told you that I love you, you're the most beautiful, most intelligent and unique woman in the world?
- How much? - Thought this time the wife
- Two days, Zai. Fishing and come back.
- You know, I think that they fed us only in order to extort from us our milk, and then kill and eat ...
- Come on its a stupid conspiracy theory! And then on you will be laughing all the flock ...
A man comes home late at night and saw through a crack in the door of the shed in the yard light flashlight. He immediately calls the police:
- Hello, police? I'm in the shed someone fumbling, I suspect the thieves!
- Sir, unfortunately now all patrol cars are busy, we'll dress as soon as someone is released, an hour or two ...
The man hangs up and calls back to the police three minutes:
- Hello, this is again myself. Since free patrol you do not, I was forced to shoot the thieves themselves. So when the patrol is released, send them at the same time two or three ambulances, pick up the corpses.
A minute later the house with the howling flies about five police cars, the yard is filled immediately by armed police, terrified the thieves take off from the shed and surrender.
Chief of Police came rushing to the owner of the house:
- You said that there are at least three corpses! ...
- Well, you said that the district no free police costume ...
- It's ridiculous to think: probormochesh few words with full consciousness, and you're already married ...
- Exactly. A probormochesh few words in his sleep, and you've already beaten and ... divorced!
- How is September 1 in the first grade from 1 st September in the first year?
- September 1 in the first class hard to forget, and September 1 for the first year's hard to remember.
Ladies! When you turned 30, be sure to make a decent photoshowroom 4 pieces photos 3 to 4, then to ... 45 ... the exchange of passports ...
- Little Johnny! - Asks the teacher - when you're in a storm I iron cat, especially against the grain in the darkness that you struck?
Man sits on a bench and looks like a rooster chicken tramples. Suddenly a woman approaches and "chuck, chuck" throwing grain. Rooster throws his job and begins to bite. Guy (strongly crosses):
- God! Do not let the so starving!
- Again, our wonderful son pulled money out of my wallet - my father said angrily.
- Why do you think he is? - Intervened on his wife - maybe I took?
- It is possible: there is still something left.
As Russian explaining the meaning of alien, the expression "just in case."
- Look, here is our priest's wife may have children, and your padre can not have a wife and children. And he left the eggs, just in case ...
- Recently spoke with a humorous concert, and people are asked to music
The best remedy for sleepiness - a smoke break.
The best remedy against the craving for smoking - seeds.
The best way to quench your thirst after the seeds - beer.
After a beer once sleepy, and you have the whole cycle over again.
If your baby has nappy your baby breathes freely - give it to the synchronous
He graduated from the physics and mathematics. I work as a sysadmin. Explain please:
as the washing machine gets the pants when washing?
Selling ready business:
Place a subway, a box for money guitar.
Beauty will save the world - and FSUs # # Edit my nerves!
- Give me five Shawarma ... Five shaurmeney ... Five Shawarma ... In short, already
LinkBacks after coffee neuter, let 5 shaurmovey!
- Religious recently accidentally looked at the exhibition of snakes.
- So what?
- Received the Grand Prix!
Panshe I was afraid that I refused, and now I am afraid that agree!
- Mama, can I with a 5-floor jump?
- And you learned it?
Neighbors ppodali drill and seems to vypuchennye money bought kapaoke ...
- You fool you!
- However beautiful.
- Who told you?
- You ...
- And you believed him?
- Of course!
- What a fool!
- However beautiful!
Arrives on the scene state commission, cause the superintendent.
- When you're done building?
Behind the quiet voice:
- Are you a fool, until the fifth we do not have time!
Superintendent in the same tone:
- Himself a fool, I did not tell the month and year.
- I can not for the night six times.
- And I'm seven times.
- I'm eight.
- I'm seventy times I can.
- Blin, who said this?!
- Won the girl.
- Rabinovich! Explain to me, finally, what distinguishes a bribe from corruption?
- It's simple: a bribe - it took when they did, corruption - this is when
taken, but did not. And with this plague on the body of society need to ruthlessly
(Letters to the newspaper in the section "Tips Sexology")
"Coitus interruptus - is always bad, especially when
interrupted by the arrival of her husband ... "
"It so happened that during our love game from the couch give way
leg. I fell right on her cat, which, frankly, acted with
I cruelly "
"I pleaded with her all night, and when persuaded, then threw everything and
ran to work "
"We decided to make love like in the movie" 9,5 weeks. I undressed, and
he has anointed me strawberries and began to lick the flesh of my body. It was
blissfully good. In the evening he picked up diarrhea from unwashed berries "
"Artem has me gently stroking her hands, as if searching for weapons"
"I came with a large bouquet of roses and was silent the whole evening. I then one
cried all night. Do you think this dog, just a big dog "
"One day in 1975, her husband brought home a condom. I was afraid of him as
mouse or rat. My husband was more experienced before marriage, he insisted on
protection and when he came at me with the soviet condom, then
He's there samosnyalsya and stayed there. And we, excuse me, a whole hour with a spoon
tried to get it "
"The Army has made me a man, though I did not even like"
"I confessed to my wife that I had a passion for Mila, but I have not slept with
it. So she arranged for me so that would be better if I slept "
"In his first interview in 15 years, I took with him ten condoms. And
all useful: we filled them with water and sprinkled with a loggia in
"When we sat down at the table, I found myself between the two Valerie. They me
told me to make a wish. I guessed, but not turned my
desire, and them. "
"She said that at his dacha with his mother gone, and returned all in suction.
Strange - I say - you have a relationship with her mother ... "
Arduous negotiations on the settlement of the protracted conflict reached a
impasse - the parties came to the same point of view. By this turn
Events negotiators were clearly not ready, and negotiations had
deferred for consultation.
Torrent - the weapon of the proletariat!
Husbands! By achieving sorokapyatiletnego foreign female jealousy begins
not so much annoying as pleased to flatter your male ego
(c) Ivan Fuckov
Scientists have deciphered a large inscription inside the Egyptian pyramids:
- Pyatisotletke quality - slave guarantee!
Commission on Ethics Kogressa United States concluded that the name of the Governor
California's Schwarzenegger does not meet the requirements of political correctness. He
proposed several options for changing the names. He chose the name
One man decided to earn. And it has earned ...
Discussions in the forum often resemble feces analysis: someone at RAL and ...
left, while others sit and argue ...
Find a man without flaws can only be a woman without convolutions.
- How it all sick of it! That'll throw all - and go into the army!
- And I'll wait!
- That's what I'm most afraid of and ...
He talked to himself, others to think that he has bluetooth
Died, finally, Kirkorov. Enters the receiver-distributor to St. Peter.
He reads it, looking sternly and grit:
- Do you pretenduesh to paradise?
- For what services? Your songs - garbage, vile deeds, clothing
useless, friends freaks. If you remember at least one decent
act in his life, and can leave you here.
He thought Kirkorov, tuzhilsya, strained his mind, so nothing good and
remembered. And so it went to the gates of hell.
Then with half way pulled back to Peter:
- I remember! I'm an old woman in his youth helped!
- My wife constantly coughing. What medicines are not taken, it is still
cough does not go ...
- And the grass did not try?
- Try - coughs and hihihaet ...
Scientists have created a unique computer with artificial intelligence, the broadest base of knowledge, speech processor and a synthesizer of emotions. As founders foresaw he should give answers to any questions. Before I put it on public display, decided to ask him a question pozakovyristey.
- Can a man fuck a woman? - Asked one of the creators.
- Maybe, but beating a woman is immoral, - answered the computer.
- What he is still stupid! - Laughed creators.
- There is nothing else I will not respond - said the computer. - Go to x% th.
Her husband, a soldier, found his wife with her lover, takes out a gun:
- Come with me.
Overlook. The husband invites her lover:
- Let's once and for all find out who she needed. Make way: I fired twice, and we both dropped. Who will run up to the first wife, he will stay with her.
My wife heard two shots, looks out the window, shouting:
- Vanyuuuushaa, get out. These idiots shoot each other!
One priest, the simplicity of his heart, got into the habit of a parishioner.
I walked and walked, and she became pregnant.
Cause the priest to the court, said:
- Well, sir, get married!
- I can not, I am not supposed to rank ...
- Well then you put him in jail.
- Yes you that, on whom I have come a leave!
- Well then get married!
- Yes, I can not! It's damned bell ringer! I'm all for polshishechki - on polshishechki, and he as the main bell deryabnul, so I'm full and stuffed!
Well, hang on the bell-ringer alimony.
Ringer on the next day goes to work, climbed the tower, he sat there, smoking, smoking-smoking, then leaned over the railing and:
"Lay-A-A-A-Ana!! DO NOT fuck who wins?!! STRIKE-A-i-ide!!"
- Doctor, what?
- Nothing to be done! We bury?
- A living?? !
- Well, of course alive, not dead now!
- And that, directly into the ground?? !
- No, in the eyes and ears!
Conducting an experiment on survival. In a locked room plant engineer, physicist and mathematician. before each closed chest with food. A couple of weeks open room engineer. Chest is opened, the engineer full, happy life.
- Here, from the nail bent master key, opened the lock.
Go to physics. Chest separated into pieces, a physicist fed, happy. Show flyer with calculations:
- Here is calculated, where the weak point of the chest, knocked, and he crumbled.
Go to math. Chest closed, floor, walls, all covered with writing formulas.
On the floor sits ill, emaciated mathematician:
- So, let's go by contradiction. Suppose chest open ...
Went peasant analysis of stool to pass. Put it in a matchbox, and went to the clinic. And lost ... Three days of its no ...
My wife and crazy, all whom they can telephone calls, anywhere it no.
Well, I'll go to the clinic, can there who knows what. I came there, and there is also not in all courses. Then her maid says:
- You look in the surgical department, there has long been a man sits, can yours?
She went to his wife there. Views, her husband sits in the entire cast. She told him:
- John, Joe, but how can it be that someone you?
- I do not remember. I remember only matches asked ...