Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes

New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
- Poznakomilsya with a girl. But it roditeli protiv our happiness. They
hotyat, chtob I got married.
Joke #60137 —  
 
0
 
Footballer:
- Today, I scored two goals!
- And how the game ended?
- 1:1.
Joke #60136 —  
 
0
 
A guy convinces his girlfriend to take a walk in the moonlight. Ta
excuses. The guy in frustration, asked:
- Why?
Friend explains:
- If we now let's go for a walk, then we, as usual, your pals
meet. You're with them, as usual, swells, and fall asleep. I then
go to a home, and me, as usual, the rapes of some maniac.
On the first once-a me liked it, of course, but now tired.
Joke #60135 —  
 
0
 
Women - these are funny animals, feeding on the money.
Joke #60134 —  
 
0
 
- You are now crying in his sleep.
- I dreamed that you left me.
- Would you by this sob ...
- So soon returned ...
Joke #60133 —  
 
2
 
Luckily, if you do not have to pay for the pleasure.
Misfortune, if you can not pay for the pain.
Joke #60132 —  
 
0
 
There once two deputies of the Verkhovna Rada.
One another: Go to the trade union committee, there still have trips to Artek.
Second: The children included in the cost of tour?
Joke #60131 —  
 
-1
 
- Yasha, you do not know why Lucy Victor bought a dog?
- Well, probably, in order that it can house at least someone to say:
"Shut your mouth and do not bark!"
Joke #60130 —  
 
0
 
- Misha, why did you run away from Israel?
- How to live there! There only Jews!
Joke #60129 —  
 
0
 
-.. according to the method of induction of the conduct prescribed researcher
development of science is a cumulative manner, by continuously
adding to a group of abstracts of new concepts and laws, and this means
that positivists are alien to the concept of scientific revolutions, coups, replacement
One theory is another, that is, situations that have occurred in the area
physical sciences, when the theory of Einstein replaced Newton's theory ..
- Man, you bottle of vodka and cheese to pay you? For all assembled.
Joke #60128 —  
 
0
 
Intelligent librarian walks into a supermarket and asked bookshop
the retailer with an earring in his ear:
- Where can I find Saltykov-Shchedrin?
- They have the day off. Come back tomorrow ....
Joke #60127 —  
 
0
 
"You oh .. PRE beautiful!" - Compliment or Nakhamu?
Joke #60126 —  
 
0
 
Not ebite my brain, you scare the cockroaches!
Joke #60125 —  
 
0
 
A girl of easy virtue - it is such a girl, who with
moral and ethical point of view applies to sex as well as men.
Joke #60124 —  
 
1
 
Nymphomaniac - a term used by some men to refer to
woman who wants to have sex more often than they can.
Joke #60123 —  
 
0
 
The purer the conscience, the higher the sale price.
Joke #60122 —  
 
0
 
If the chart data does not correspond to the initial hypothesis, then do
line fatter.
Joke #60121 —  
 
0
 
After a recent football match:
- ... and even if our grandfathers fought as is our team
German-Japanese border would be in Chita!
Joke #60120 —  
 
0
 
Here smotpyu at you and think: "Another drink, or do you already npavishsya me ..."
Joke #60119 —  
 
0
 
- Why future fathers are so eager to have a son?
- To have another legitimate opportunity to play in the machine.
Joke #60118 —  
 
0
 
Pity straightened ... With such a ass - she would have sciatica.
Joke #60117 —  
 
1
 
- Doctor, to me that something is wrong, all take me for a banana.
- Well, I let you go round. Peel.
Joke #60116 —  
 
0
 
Once Winnie the Pooh and Piglet, crocked in a scarf, walked and
went to the bank.
- Everyone does not budge, it is robbery - called Winnie.
- Yes you do something and no weapon, - security, staff and clients were lying on
laughter on the floor.
- Well, pig, coughed ...
Joke #60115 —  
 
2
 
Country in the beta test, hurry while cheap!
Oprobuem your experimental drugs on a large number
patients.
Government of Ukraine.
Joke #60114 —  
 
1
 
RF Ministry of Health warns: for the effective treatment of pig influenza
should seek medical care, not less than five days
before the first signs of the disease!
Joke #60113 —  
 
0
 
In Mongolia, the boy was found with a diamond in the cerebellum.
Scientists have long puzzled
Joke #60112 —  
 
0
 
- Do you know why, when hedgehogs make love, they laugh all the time?
- And they kept each other dig.
Joke #60111 —  
 
0
 
- My mother-in-law yesterday went to an exhibition of snakes. - And what? - Returned with a medal, shit!
Joke #60110 —  
 
0
 
It turns out that in the world there huesosuschie mammals. Unlike blood-sucking, they can suck out of you, not only blood, but a car or even a 3-room apartment in central Moscow.
Joke #60109 —  
 
1
 
At a rock concert. Communicate with the audience. - And here is a note from the audience: "Where's your drummer? You without simply zero." The answer: we do not take you back. And blyat, do not write us more.
Joke #60108 —  
 
2
 
Yesterday summoned electrician look door bell, there is something with the wiring. Night manager called and yelled at me for what I did apply, and he was not at home. It turns out, the electrician came and rang the door half an hour, but no one opened.
Joke #60107 —  
 
-2
 
In America in the desert state has many long, straight roads on which people sometimes just zasypayut.Tak here in America, the best way to get to sleep on such roads is the following: ask the driver to be seated next to his wife: "Why should I do to marry you ? - It gives 100%-ing a guarantee that you will not fall asleep!
Joke #60106 —  
 
0
 
Midnight. In the sauna with the girls enjoy themselves tired of the daily business. One of them calls his wife: - Dear, where are you? - Imagine, for Leningradsky stuck in a traffic jam! - Come Honk ... . .
Joke #60105 —  
 
0
 
She picks up the receiver and hears:
- Kate, are you?
- Yes.
- Katya, a few days ago, I behaved to you like an animal that disrespectful, rude to have committed against thee vile depravity and violence. Actually I do not like that. I implore you, Katya, forgive me!
- Goodbye. And who is it?

Joke #60104 —  
 
0
 
- See pictures of the cartoons, do not understand - why Carlson 4 fingers?
- And you think ... If you have a child chopper behind? The back is something itches!

Joke #60103 —  
 
0
 
Caught in the pit hare, wild boar, wolf and fox. Fox says
-Let sedim addition to anyone bytylka show. twist the bottle and the hare falls.
Boar goes
-No hare my friend I'm all for it myself uebu! !
Again and again rotated the hare fell. Boar said
- Not schzayats my friend for negouebu any.
Well boar dangerous svyazyvatsya nobody with him nehochet again rotated and the boar falls
Hare says
Well, what a wild boar,,, dovyebyvalsya??

Joke #60101 —  
 
-1
 
Octobrist suited to pioneer - such an important and serious.
He contemptuously:
- What do you trifle?
- Tell me, Grandfather Lenin cocoa?
Pioneer after a moment's reflection:
- Cocoa, of course, but somehow it honestly, in good or something ...

Joke #60099 —  
 
0
 
The peasant was a member of a length of 50 cm All his life he suffered with him - finally decided to do something. He began to walk on all kinds of magicians and sorcerers - they do not know how to help. Finally came to some old woman, she says to him:
- Outside the town there is a small swamp. There lives a magic frog, which normally sits on a rock. Find her and ask: "Frog!" Do you love me? ".
The frog answered "no" and then your term decline.
A man went to the swamp, looks - a frog sitting on a rock. Suits, asks:
- Frog, frog. Do you love me?
- No! - Says the frog.
The man went home, took the line - do not believe his eyes - a member of a 40 cm! Again he ran to the swamp and found a frog, said:
- Frog! Do you love me?
- No-o ... - Says the frog.
The man ran home, took ruler - 30 cm left. Well, I'll run one more time and 20 cm just be normal. Resorting to the swamp:
- Frog! Do you love me?
Frog:
- Man, listen, well, you've already got! I was saying - no, no and no!

Joke #60098 —  
 
0
 
In nuthouse speak two psycho:
- Well, you liked the book, which I gave you yesterday?
- Yes, really cool, only so many actors.
Sanitation:
- Hey! Insane! Return the phone book!

Joke #60097 —  
 
0
 
At work in the company comes to settle down man. He already showed all except one thing:
- Where is smoking?
- We do not smoke.
- Why?
- We are afraid that the smoke will detonate.

Joke #60096 —  
 
0
 
Manufacturers umbrellas to pray for a rainy summer, producers of shoes to pray for dry summer, producers of beer to pray for a hot summer ... And producers of vodka once to pray, they must make!

Joke #60095 —  
 
0
 
The factory began to produce the plastic pins for bald women.
They are beautifully mounted on the head with special suckers.
Joke #60094 —  
 
0
 
Director drawn to the head of the personnel department:
- Find the person in our company - a young, capable,
initiative, which could take my place.
- And then?
- Once found, immediately pardon me!
Joke #60093 —  
 
2
 
One tourist said local resident:
- I am interested in old legends, is not bound there any history
won with the highest mountain?
- Yes, there is such a story. Once the two lovers climbed to the very
top, and were never seen again.
- And what happened to them?
- They went down the other side.
Joke #60092 —  
 
1
 
- Comrade technician! I've already written three times - in my apartment ceiling
proceeds!
- That's because the rain, do not understand?
Joke #60091 —  
 
0
 
- Mama, this is a long time - to await the man of your dreams?
- Yes, my girl, but you can while away the time, for example, marrying or
narozhat children ...
Joke #60090 —  
 
0
 
- You constantly unfaithful to me!
- What are you talking about? I will not change. I compare!
Joke #60089 —  
 
0
 
- Mom, can I go for a walk?
- With dirty ears?
- No, with his comrades.
Joke #60088 —  
 
0
 
- If you currently can get up and walk a few more steps, drink more, and
if I do not - then go home already ...
Joke #60087 —  
 
0
 
My wife is clearly solder - I come home, but the whole pan on the stove
bite.
Joke #60086 —  
 
0
 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311