Morning. The programmer, gloomy as a cloud, enters the kitchen with the noble goal of refreshing himself with something after a sleepless night spent behind a native tree stump. After some time, the wife appears in the kitchen, and, noticing, to put it mildly, the crappy mood of her husband, asks:
- What, Vassenka, the program didn't work?
- It worked! ..
- What, maybe ... did not work correctly?
- Yes, it worked right ... her mother by the leg! ..
- Vassenka, why are you so gloomy then?
- I took a nap on the backspace !!!
"Government is not the level where, as they say,
it is possible only with the language .. "
Attributed to V. Chernomyrdin.
Dio: shcha firefox was updated ... rebooted it ... he grit: type update is successful, I start in a few moments ...
he, naive, does not know that I have 256 memory and photoshop is running =)
Berezovsky and his friends take a steam bath. Suddenly one says:
- Listen, Abramich, you either take off the cross, or put on your panties!
The rhino is said to have poor eyesight. But with his weight, this is no longer his problem!
- Yes, you hesitated me! You come back late at night, trample in the corridor, heat the dishes, wake me up!
- Haim, it turns out, you have a brother in Israel, - says the wife. - Why didn't you tell me before that you have relatives abroad? - Ha! Are they abroad? This is me abroad!
A boxer with insomnia sits at the doctor. The doctor advises him:
- Going to bed, count in your mind: "One, two, three ..." and until you fall asleep ...
- No, doctor ... This is not for me! At 9 I jump to my feet!
The girl caused a mean man's tear by SMS:
.... I just want to be with you without sex and alcohol ...
- What should be the cellar for the wine to mature well? - Tightly locked.
At the entrance exam for a professor, he asks a student: - In what year did the Second World War begin? - I don't know ... - Who is Lenin? - I don't know ... - What is the Communist Party of the Soviet Union? - I don't know ... - Where did you come from? - From Uryupinsk ... Professor (with a sigh) putting something on the record book: - Throw everything on ..., and in Urupinsk ...
The plane crashes over the sea, suddenly one of the passengers - a Frenchwoman, starts to make up, preen herself. They shout to her:
- What are you doing, you fool ?! Now we will all fall into the sea !!!!
- And if the rescuers come, they will see that a pretty woman and I will be rescued first.
Well, here the Russian also begins to direct the marafet, attach jewelry, they ask her:
- What are you? After all, we tolerate an accident!
- And the rescuers will see - two pretty women and both of us will be saved!
But then the black woman sticks out her ... ny in the window. They say to her:
- And what are you, completely crazy with fear ???
- No, I just heard that the first thing they do is look for some kind of black box!
- Tavarisch ensign, can you solve the question?
- Allow me.
- The trajectory of the projectile resembles a parabola.
- Yes sir.
- Well, if you put the cannon on its side, it will be possible to shoot from around the corner?
- Can! But according to the charter it is not necessary
10 signs of a Russian person:
1. It may take seven days to travel by train to visit a distant relative for a day.
2. Does not eat after the first one, even on pain of death. And also after the second, third and, it seems, fourth and fifth.
3. Goes into a toilet stall, taking out a ballpoint pen on the go.
4. Admiring curses in the British Museum.
5. Worries when talking to the doorman or waiter.
6. Goes to the garage, the bathhouse, fishing, hunting and the theater for a drink. Goes to his mistress to have a drink.
7. Easy to cut into the most delicious dish with a tablespoon.
8. Climbs onto the toilet with feet.
9. Its soul in area is equal to five American, three hundred English and eight hundred Belgian souls.
10. When she is giving birth, she cries in Russian.
I made a "new Russian" renovation of the highest class. Brought friends, shows the hall, dining room, billiards .... Asks: "Well, how?". "No, nothing, only the tiles in your toilet are too small!" "What are you doing, one tile costs 100 bucks, it's called Pentium!"
Three old women are sitting:
- And my grandson, Serezhenka, will probably be a doctor -
everyone is busy with syringes, he cooks some medicines ...
- And my Petenka is definitely a chauffeur! All gasoline sniffs.
- But with my Vasya - one torment, does nothing,
only drinks wine.
Lieutenant Rzhevsky is asked:
- Tell me, lieutenant, how do you get closer to women?
- I f .. and it brings them closer!
- Mary-Ivanovna, when I grow up, I will become a big and important person, you will be ashamed that you gave me two marks!
- Putin, don't be lumbar!
A fly landed on Stirlitz's shoulder. Müller's people, thought Stirlitz.
- What are you crying, young shaman Umdabo Kmambo? - I was not born there, the great leader Qunari Mbanu ... - What nonsense are you talking about, young shaman Umdabo Kmambo, go better make it rain, the tribe is dying of thirst- That's why I cry, the great leader Qunari Mbanu. I call rain, but my DHCP rises, then the old SCSI screw with FreeBSD comes to life ...
Great weather, beautiful pitch ... Everything was against Spartak ...
Estonia's 12 points for Russia in the sms-voting of Eurovision-2007 is another brilliant victory for Russian hackers!
146. Lenin is resurrected. a week later he received a call from Israel from
relatives on the maternal side and applied to the Ovir.
- where are you, Vladimir Ilyich?
- to emigration, my friend. everything must be started over again!
147. Lenin was resurrected and immediately went to the pub to socialize with the proletariat. workers stand, drink, do not pay attention to the leader
- what, comrades, do not recognize me?
- Vanka, look, a gold piece!
148. Rabinovich is surprisingly similar to Lenin. he is summoned to the kgb and
offer to somehow change their appearance, otherwise it is inconvenient
it turns out ...
- well, let's say, my friend, - answers Rabinovich, -
Goddess I will lose. and what to do with ideas? - and wherein
149.the husband returns home, finds his wife with her lover and
going to deal with him.
- don't you dare beat him! - shouts the wife. - he saw Lenin alive!
150.1917 year. Lenin came to the bathhouse. there are no free gangs. near
the proletarian sits - he washes in one gang, soars in the other.
Lenin - to him:
- comrade, give in one little scoop!
- Fuck you ...!
Lenin walked away, wandered around, did not find the gang, and again comes up:
- comrade, this is not communist - you have two gangs, but
me - not one!
- went to x ..., and then right now, like f ... have a gang across the bald head!
in fifty years. chairman of meeting:
- and now the old
a worker who had two conversations with Lenin!
The 600th Mercedes got under the rink. The traffic cop approaches the skating rink driver:
- Well, come on, tell me: how I overtook, how I cut ...
Tax office poster:
The art of taxation is to pluck the goose in a way that maximizes fluff with minimal hiss.
The fortune-teller says to the client in horror:
- Signora cards say that you will soon become a widow!
- I know that even without your cards! You'd better tell me: will they acquit me ?!
The Chukchi delegation came to the selection committee of the Supreme Soviet
USSR and complains: "We do not want to be called Chukchi: solid about us
jokes and witticisms. "-" Okay, let's take it into account. "
newspapers issued a decree: "From now on, instead of" Chukchi ", one should say
rit "Jew - reindeer herder."
For infertile women, an artificial
insemination with a guarantee of obtaining highly intelligent offspring
with planned external data. A young woman comes
pays the bill, enters the doctor's office:
- Whom do you want to have - a girl or a boy?
- Okay, - and the doctor begins to pour the contents of the test tubes into a glass.
- How tall, fullness, waist, hips?
The lady said. The doctor again pours some
- What hair color?
- Please, the blonde.
The doctor chooses the correct tube.
- Which of the famous artists or singers do you want to have
- A little bit on Sofia Rotaru, on Laima Vaikul and on Pugacheva.
- Okay. Now have a drink!
The young woman drinks and immediately falls asleep on the couch.
The doctor begins to undress her.
- Rotaru! Vaikule! Who will succeed - he will be!
Leaving the building of Microsoft, the killer noticed a crowd of users, demonstrating under the windows with posters of Bill Gates MustDie.
Hacked - he scoffed, wiping a large hunting knife from the blood ...
A drunken man came home and shouted from the doorway:
- Wife! Start swearing or I won't find the bed!
A visitor addresses a Georgian seller:
- Tell me, please, did this meat in shawarma bark or cook before?
- Slush, daragoy, this meat used to ask me any garbage!
Petka, Chapay and Furmanov went on reconnaissance.
Already at night we crawled up to the estate, where there were probably whites.
They sit in the bushes. Chapay says:
- Well, Furmanov, blow to the estate, assess the situation.
Crawled away. Near the entrance jumps up and suddenly BOOM! - falls.
- Well, now you, Petka!
Petka also crawled away. Near the entrance jumped up and BOOM! - fell.
- Eh, youth ...
Crawled like a snake - quietly ...
Near the entrance, a Mauser in hand, jumps on the threshold BOOM! BOOM! BOOM BOOM! - lies.
- Well Chapay gives! Three times stepped on a rake!
Talking 2 Orcs:
- What race's horns hide the best?
But I've never seen a tauren horn!
That's why they are the best at hiding!
An unpleasant incident occurred at the Eurovision Song Contest. When asked about the results of voting and the distribution of seats among the participants, the Russian computer system answered: Putin, Putin, Putin ...
Once Philip Bedrosovich comes to a Russian lesson with a delay.
The teacher says to him:
- Well, Philip, explain to the class why you were late for the lesson!
- Yes, I did it ... well, I didn’t get injured, and that’s also ... well, the autobases didn’t drive either ... well, I did something like that ...
- As if ApAzdal like that! You Philip first learn to speak Russian! Bulgarian unfinished!
I do not like you. And I don't like your pink briefcase. And I don’t like your little pussy!
- Mary Stepanna, well, can I even sit at my desk?
- And you did the homework that I asked for today ?!
- Domashka? ... hmmm ... but why did they ask something ?!
- You need to come prepared for a Russian lesson! And then yesterday in the gateway ... and today is already out in the second row! Get out of here! Huli you sat down at the desk ?!
- Mary Stepanna is not pedagogical! (crying)
- I don't give a shit! Don't give a shit about all of you! Do you want me to leave ?! And I'll leave! .... No, I'm not going to fucking leave. I will stay. But you will leave! .... pzdynysh!
- A box of chocolates Russia. What could be tastier? - Only candy can be tastier than a box!
2 girlfriends meet. One asks the other. How are you with your boyfriend?
(2) It's okay, but I won't marry him.
(1) Why is this?
(2) First, he cannot support a woman like me. Secondly, all his relatives hate me. Thirdly, we saw each other once and he never called again ...
The program was lost at work. Day not two. He does not answer calls. Well, we decided to check what and how. We went to his house and there in a cold bath sits a bald programmer with a half-empty bottle of shampoo in his hand. They took the bottle away from him and read the instructions: 1. Apply to damp hair. 2. Lather. 3. Wait. 4. Wash off. 5. Repeat.
- We heard that yesterday a pioneer found a mine outside the city!
- Yes, it was heard well!
- You are sentenced to a fine of five hundred rubles. Hopefully
this will wean you from stealing pay phones.
- I see, citizen judge. Tell me, can you pay a fine
In the Original Design Atelier, the client places an order:
- Please make me a roll of toilet paper with a portrait on this
photos. On both sides and along the entire length. Do you guarantee quality?
- Do not worry! The portrait of your mother-in-law will be made with the highest
- How did you guess that this is my mother-in-law?
- And yesterday she ordered from us pads with the image of a son-in-law. We are you
learned from the photo attached to her order.
In the store at the checkout: Seller to buyer: Do you look at the ruble?
Buyer: Well, well! .. come on, I'll give it to me, I'll take a look ...
IT style vodka classification:
0.1l - demo.
0.25l - trial version.
0.5l - personal edition.
0.7l - professional edition.
1.0l - network edition.
1.75l - enterprise.
3l - for small business.
5L - corporate edition.
Moonshine bottle - home edition.
On the road - Service pack.
Pickle in the morning - Recovery tool.
Snack - plugins.
Beer - patch.
coca-cola fanta 7-UP - trojan viruses.
A lesson in one of the Vladivostok schools discusses the exciting topic of love and marriage. Student question: Why do we need glowing condoms? The student answered very quietly and shyly: They light the way!