New anecdotes list

New anecdotes list


Aphorisms # 67130

Why are Russians so interested - how much is a pound dashing? Yes, because we
have something to sell.

0 0 Aphorisms 9/27/22, 5:00 PM Color

Different # 46008

Two old maidens are sitting on a bench in the courtyard and, pursing their lips mournfully, watch the rooster, which chases the hen and cannot catch up in any way. Having run around the house twice, the chicken runs out into the street and falls under the wheels of a truck. One of the virgins says with pathos:
She chose death.

0 0 Different 9/27/22, 5:00 PM Color

Sport # 58

Two football commentators are talking: - How do you like the game of this football player? - He reminds me of Dostoevsky. - But Dostoevsky never played football! - That's it!

0 0 Sport 9/27/22, 5:00 PM Color

About men # 63081

- Sir! I would ask you not to express yourself in the presence of women! - Something I do not see women here. - Wait, now I'll pout ...

0 0 About men 9/27/22, 5:00 PM Color

Quotes # 5867

Ptah: Oh, yes, I would be happy ... In the kindergarten, what thread, or there in the basement ... And also Schaub would definitely try to expel us for singing loudly, but we would send nah .. Then who is the thread would have called the cops, and we would have fucked, but not all ... Then those who had fucked would have gone to the cop to rescue those who had not had fucked and those who had had also closed themselves ... And then, sitting in the monkey house, we would have asked the cops for a cigarette and would smoke one for four, and in the morning, leaving the musarni, they would knock the loot from passers-by for beer ... Oh, youth ... And now bl & ... Yesterday he pissed at the waiter for bringing cognac not in a cognac glass ..) ))

0 0 Quotes 9/27/22, 5:00 PM Color

Family # 90116

The kitchen is the place men think they are preparing dinner there, and women think their best years are there!

0 0 Family 9/27/22, 4:00 PM Color

About students # 122813

MaryVanna crucifies before the fifth "B": - What time is it: "he cleans up, she cleans up, you clean up ..."? Little Johnny, thoughtfully: - It must be a pre-holiday.

0 0 About students 9/27/22, 3:00 PM Color

Folk # 81253

In the middle of the desert, a few dozen kilometers from the nearest river, the American battalion slowed down to wait for the lagging convoy with ice cream and Coca-Cola. There was no enemy nearby, so you could relax. Lieutenant Flounders scanned the desert for anything suspicious. Suddenly his gaze turned to a strange man, dressed in a white uniform and with a rifle of an incomprehensible pattern hanging behind his back.
- Corporal Simpson, come to me! the lieutenant ordered shortly.
- Yes, sir! Simpson responded.
Take Vigan and Moe, corporal, and bring this Iraqi to me quickly. I want to know what the hell he needs here and report on the capture of a platoon of enemy soldiers!
But sir, the corporal tried to argue.
- No buts! I need this dirty Iraqi, damn it! Execute! What do you get your salary for, corporal?
- Yes, sir! - exclaimed Simpson and the three went on a combat mission. A few minutes later, several blown up cars and a heap of dead bodies remained from the column, which were covered with sand by a stray wind. The man dressed in white continued to walk on, speaking in an incomprehensible language: "A eshe speshu soobshit vam, lubeznaia Ekaterina Matveevna ..."

0 0 Folk 9/27/22, 3:00 PM Color

Army # 8437

The plane of the polar aviation AN-2 flies in the area of ​​the pole, suddenly the engine rattled.
As soon as they sat down, the radio scout eF-111 sits down next to it.
Our:
- Guys, what are you?
Americans:
- Forced.
Our:
- Oh, we too!
Well, they got some alcohol, drank it for the friendship of peoples. Our pilot-state:
- Here, let's fix it, I'll get you on my "Annushka" only by speed at any height.
Morning came, hungover, fixed. Our pilot - flight mechanic:
- Vasya, what was I arguing with the Americans about yesterday?
- Yes, he said that we would overtake them in speed.
- What we are going to do?
- Okay, we'll figure it out.
Before takeoff, ours hooked a cable to the hook on the eF-111, took off.
On an American plane. Navigator:
- John, Russians 100m on the tail, change the wing geometry. Over time:
- John, the Russian is back on the tail, turn on the afterburner of the turbines. After a while:
- John, we're going, the Russians just started changing the wing geometry.

0 0 Army 9/27/22, 2:00 PM Color

Intimate # 75202

At the international blowjob competition, first place was taken by madam,
collected a Rubik's cube in her mouth with her tongue.

0 0 Intimate 9/27/22, 1:00 PM Color

Crime # 3027

Convicts are playing in the prison in the "Field of Miracles".
- What letter do you name?
- S!
- Exactly?
- Exactly!
- Answers?
- I answer!
- Oh, God?
- A century of will not see!
- THERE IS NO SUCH LETTER !!! Your point goes to the hall!

0 0 Crime 9/27/22, 1:00 PM Color

Medical # 76334

A pretty young girl walks into the pharmacy and asks the seller:
- Do you have very large condoms for sale?
- There is. Do you want to buy?
- No, do you mind if I wait here until someone buys?

0 0 Medical 9/27/22, 12:00 PM Color

New Russians # 81914

One says to another: - These "new Russians" are such perverts! - What is it? - Yes, I recently looked, there is a 600th "Mers", and on the back it says "OKA"!?!? - A-ah-ah-ah! It is they, to knock the "Cossacks" off the scent !!!!

0 0 New Russians 9/27/22, 11:00 AM Color

Soviet # 109430

The class teacher asks Little Johnny why he
came to school in crumpled pants.
- Last night we turned on the TV and heard: Lenin's case
lives! Then we turned off the TV and turned on the radio. We are again
heard: Lenin's cause is alive! After that, we were already afraid to include
iron

0 0 Soviet 9/27/22, 9:00 AM Color

Drug addicts # 84259

One drunkard complains to another about his wife:
- As soon as I get home, she immediately: "Come on, breathe!"
- So you do as I do. Breathe as quickly as possible.
- And what about the wife?
- Falling.

0 0 Drug addicts 9/27/22, 9:00 AM Color

Little Johnny # 102257

A pendant in the shape of a small golden plane hangs on a chain around the teacher's neck.
Little Johnny does not take his eyes off the pendant for the whole lesson.
Finally, the teacher breaks down:
- Little Johnny, do you like the airplane?
- No, airfield!

0 0 Little Johnny 9/27/22, 7:00 AM Color

Wow # 33101

There is a crowd of Khordians in the raid on Iron. Then the gnome-horns jump out of the bushes, thrust the backstab into the leader and reel. The leader, enraged, sends the group in pursuit. Half an hour later, the same gnome pops up, puffs a new backstab and evaporates. The leader, in a fury, dispatches two groups. An hour later, the same thing. The awesome leader sends the whole raid - to punish the presumptuous gnome. An hour later, a barely living priest comes running and yells:
- Let's run! This is an ambush !! There are TWO of them! =)))

0 0 Wow 9/27/22, 6:00 AM Color

Animals # 36099

Two friends are sitting and chatting: The first one says: - You know, there are cockroaches in my apartment, I don't know what to do! The second says: - and you buy chalk! First: - What helps? Second: - Of course! So I bought chalk, and now they are sitting in the corner - drawing!

0 0 Animals 9/27/22, 3:00 AM Color

Black humor # 72695

Once Carlson put on his pants inside out. This is how the meat grinder appeared.

0 0 Black humor 9/27/22, 3:00 AM Color

Computers # 112373

The man calls the store and says to the Seller: - I have smoke from the computer. - You probably have a power supply burned out. - No, I was told that if you change something in autohes. bаt, then it will stop. - No, it will not help, your power supply unit burned out. And so - half an hour, until the seller is tired of ... - You need to call Microsoft and order NOSMOKE. SOM Half an hour later the same man calls and says: - I need a new power supply unit, because Microsoft told me that my old power supply unit does not fit their NOSMOKE version. COM ...

0 0 Computers 9/27/22, 3:00 AM Color

Road # 39348

Morning. Minibus ...
Husband and wife enter. Continuing the scandal that began at home. A husband swears at his wife in such a way that even hardened people’s ears fade. The wife just sobs and wipes away her tears. Finally, when her husband takes a breath before another tirade, she:
- Kolya, please forgive me ...
- Forgive? Yes, you creature ... it's not enough to kill! Passionate Week! Great Lent !!! And you give me scrambled eggs for breakfast !!! ...

0 0 Road 9/27/22, 3:00 AM Color

Fabulous # 70431

Ask a friend the following question: Is Winnie the Pooh a pig or a boar?
And enjoy ...
90% answer - a pig, although the correct answer is a bear.

0 0 Fabulous 9/27/22, 12:00 AM Color

Foreigners # 93670

The Chinese have built and opened a new power plant: there 10 million Chinese in nylon panties slide down ebony slides.

0 0 Foreigners 9/27/22, 12:00 AM Color

About Jews # 17652

Two Jews meet. One speaks to the other. - Do you know that they make up jokes about Jews on the Internet? - Fi, - answers the second, - only a Jew will compose a good anecdote about Jews, everything else is fake.

0 0 About Jews 9/27/22, 12:00 AM Color

About women # 41067

- What is the difference between a woman and a boat?
- The boat is first pushed back, then used. The opposite is true for a woman.

0 0 About women 9/26/22, 10:00 PM Color

Lieutenant Rzhevsky # 97173

The young lieutenant Rzhevsky read in the book about the rules
good form how to talk to ladies. There were given approximate
topics of conversation: about animals, about the weather, about music, about love.
The lieutenant was not slow to take advantage of the advice and decided to meet
with a lady who was walking with a lapdog.
- What a small dog you have, - said the lieutenant and, coming closer,
kicked her with his boot - something flew low, to see the rain. However
I'm Lieutenant Rzhevsky, I have a drum at home, let's go have sex ...

0 0 Lieutenant Rzhevsky 9/26/22, 9:00 AM Color

About Putin # 23464

In connection with the uncertainty that arose in the counting of votes in the elections, the Americans turned to the Russian Central Election Commission for technical assistance. Veshnyakov flew to the United States, and to date, new data have been obtained regarding the elections in the United States: Vladimir Putin is in the lead

0 0 About Putin 9/26/22, 7:00 AM Color

Chukchi # 72644

The Chukchi swims along the river on a boat, looks around and sings:
"What a beautiful forest on the shore, in this forest a lot of brooks are ripening, soon we will
little, little to collect ... "He looks - the geologist sits on the shore and directs NEEDED :).
Chukchi: "Ugh, shaitan! What, however, spoiled a song!"

0 0 Chukchi 9/25/22, 9:00 PM Color

Bearded # 69639

They argued between Karter and Bezhnev, in which country they are often fucked - in the USSR or in the USA. We built a device that records every act, placed it on the plane.
Fly over the States. The "pee-pee-pee" device - every second.
We flew over the Union - "pi ... pi ..." - once a minute ...
Bpezhnev is sitting sad - he will have to pay in currency.
Suddenly the device is like a madman: "piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" ...
Abruptly. Brezhnev looks out the window - they are flying over the Artek.
Brezhnev: - Well, pioneers, well done! They always get the country out!

0 0 Bearded 9/25/22, 7:00 PM Color

Stirlitz # 49467

Stirlitz woke up in a room with a barred window.
My head was buzzing, I had to collect my thoughts.
- So ... I don't remember what happened yesterday. Apparently - they beat me on the head. Means
if they enter in Soviet uniform, they must ask Stalin right away. If in
Gestapo - immediately to Bormann and declare that he remembered everything ...
The door opened and the Minister of Culture entered.
- Yes ... You sorted it out yesterday, Comrade Tikhonov ...

0 0 Stirlitz 9/25/22, 11:00 AM Color

Alcoholics # 93344

A thug enters the bar and asks the bartender:
- Do you need bouncers?
You see, sir, the bartender says, I don’t know your qualifications.
- You will see now!
With these words, the thug comes up to the nearest table, takes
the collar of a fellow sitting there with square shoulders and, with some
effort, throws it out the window. Then he turns to
to the bartender and asks:
- Well, how?
- Now the owner will fit back and we will talk with you.

0 0 Alcoholics 9/25/22, 7:00 AM Color

Movie heroes # 4289

Petka runs into the headquarters.
- Vasily Ivanovich! Marshal Golubokhuyev has arrived!
- Moron! How many can you repeat: Blucher is not translated into Russian.

0 0 Movie heroes 9/25/22, 1:00 AM Color

About programmers # 74359

Everyone is very interested in the question: Where do programmers get their time to spend at the computer? Recent opinion polls have shown that programmers are at the computer for the time during which they must:
1. To wash
2. Get a haircut
3. Sleep
4. Eat
5. Reproduce.
That is why 90% of programmers are smelly, shaggy, sleepy, hungry virgins.

0 0 About programmers 9/24/22, 6:00 PM Color

Advertising # 38365

There are 2 tomatoes in the refrigerator on a shelf. One: Brr cold! Second: A-ah-ah !!! Talking Tomato!

0 0 Advertising 9/24/22, 6:00 AM Color

About children # 84039

The terrible military secret of Russia:
American children under the age of 12 spend about 28 billion of their own pocket money annually, and Russia's federal budget spending on national defense is 24 billion.

0 0 About children 9/23/22, 2:00 PM Color

About the sysadmin # 115813

Buy a computer with a quad-core processor (130W) and two video cards working together (350W). And give up the heater in your apartment for the winter.

0 0 About the sysadmin 9/23/22, 3:00 AM Color

Politics # 15394

New pre-election video of Zhirinovsky: Members of our faction will be able to change the demographic situation in Russia

0 0 Politics 9/20/22, 6:00 AM Color

About Bill Gates # 37032

The message on the monitor screen: Attention! You have changed the position of the mouse! For the changes to take effect, restart your computer!

0 0 About Bill Gates 9/18/22, 2:00 AM Color

Friends # 27811

... At our place of work, an employee sent a text message to a friend. How are you ?.
Received the answer: HOROVO. Sits and thinks, but where is the typo ??? ...

0 0 Friends 9/17/22, 4:00 AM Color

Judicial # 88442

At the hearing.
- Citizen Drozdova, we are considering your claim against a citizen
Berezkin.
Tell the court the whole truth, only the truth, the judge warns.
It's in my best interest, Citizen Judge, I swear.
- When was this case of rape?
- This one? He's been around all summer!

0 0 Judicial 9/16/22, 2:00 PM Color

About mother-in-law # 60544

In such weather, only my mother-in-law to drive for beer!

0 0 About mother-in-law 9/13/22, 9:00 PM Color

Militia # 64449

Yesterday, riot police broke up a demonstration of masochists on Manezhnaya Square. Neither one nor the other had received such pleasure for a long time.

0 0 Militia 9/13/22, 9:00 PM Color

Show Business # 59583

The journalist is talking with Philip Kirkorov:
- Tell me, is it true that you are a homosexual?
- Well, in a way ...
- Active or passive?
- Neutral!
- How is it?
- Well, I don't fuck anyone and nothing fucks me!

0 0 Show Business 9/13/22, 9:00 PM Color

About money # 93913

From the diary of an Iraqi guerrilla:
Monday. We drove the Americans out of Um Qasr and seized the port and oil rigs.
Tuesday. The Americans launched a massive strike and captured Um Qasr and the oil rigs.
Wednesday. The security service of Lukoil appeared, swore for a long time and drove us and the Americans into three strange letters into the desert ...

0 0 About money 9/13/22, 9:00 PM Color

School # 18475

Dad asks Little Johnny:
- Little Johnny, what are you reading?
- The teacher gave me to read, called - Lesbians!
- Yah?!! Well, let me see ...
She takes the book, disappointed:
- A-ah ... Bianchi's forest!

0 0 School 8/11/22, 5:00 AM Color