Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
- Are you going to congratulate someone on March 8?
- Sister, daughter, wife's mother ... in-law.
- A son-in-a while?
- In-law or where. I said: wife's mother-in-law.
Caught the essence - Wash hands.
The better you possess weapons, the more it hoping.
The more you're at it hoping to use it more often.
The more you use it, the sooner a monument.
Women think that all men are equal, and therein lies their strength;
men think that all women are different - this is their undoing.
In Russia, have banned beer in public places.
It turned out that now in Russia there is no public places!
Comrades, clients and respect their manager. After all, you see before you
an idiot, but he whole group!
Dividing people on sexual grounds:
Not all Russians are concerned who will succeed Putin:
oligarchs worried whose successor will be Putin.
Previously was a holy work, now pay.
At first he was fascinated by it, and then crowned and then injured.
From the psychological test:
You are standing on the Red Square and you have to ask how to get to the Library
them. Lenin. You answer:
Yes. Please go by the Historical Museum, turn left and
Alexander Garden past the Eternal Flame haven arch, passing by
turn right and the underpass to go out on Vozdvizhenka.
The building with the statues on the roof and they will be Library. Lenin.
b.. Went to $ yd.
At the international competition magic - a sensation. Showman assures
that the spot could change for any currency. American gives him
dollar. He swallows and spits out 100 dollar coins one penny.
The Englishman gives the pound - and the same way a 100 pence. Russian gives
- Excuse me, gentlemen ...
- Yeah, can not you?
- Excuse me, gentlemen ... it is only through the ass.
News of the day: The late MP had voted against the nomination of Kadyrov
for president of Chechnya.
Arrives VV a military unit. From the bushes (accidentally) went the soldier.
As office, mate? Excellent, full of grub, getting fatter, just beds
slightly cramped! VV - Assistant: - Commodity on the furniture in the Ministers
Defense! - Yes, Comrade Commander!
The next visit. Again the soldier out of the bushes. As office, mate?
Excellent, full of grub, shit not keep scavengers away!
Ministry of Defense frozen in suspense ...
- Oh, Tolia! I'm sick of something, these lockers GDR carry out
Dresden our generals! ..
- Yes, Vova, got me this our "business" ...
- And a ... Someday I'll be the Secretary General of the Central Committee
CPSU ... Then I will appoint you chief, General!
- Well, again, you're dreaming ... Better to give more of a glass ...
2016. - After all, life is very fair, - thought President
Khodorkovsky, watching the trial of Putin, whom the same judge,
in the same Basmanny court awarded the same 8 years in the same colony of Chita
2032. - After all, life is very fair, - think President Putin,
watching the trial of Khodorkovsky, whom the same judge ...
Do not slaughter you - hammered into you.
If a seagull flies ass forward, so today a strong wind.
In the Munich Zoo, died of a broken heart, everyone's favorite --
male gorilla named Mike.
Death was due to shock, which has experienced an animal after
as he approached the cage Nikolay Valuev.
The same circumstance zoo veterinarians explain the sudden outbreak
diarrhea in elephants.
The teacher wrote in his diary: "Please parents to come to school - your
son described the lesson of courage. "
Today, a bronze bust of Pamela Anderson set up at home of the heroine.
According to statistics, 20% of subordinates called together his chief of
name, 10% - by name and patronymic, others - simply "our asshole."
Sale coffin maintenance.
The school nurse calls parents of one of the students:
- I think that your son is an addict.
- How do you think that?
- He is the only of the entire class to the vaccine was not afraid to go.
- I just saw a clone of Britney Spears with a beard and mustache !!!!!!
- ????.. Fool, - the same Bondarchuk!!
Comes in. woman in the cabinet prenatal and immediately complains.
- Here, you know, doctor, married 5 years and have never experienced an orgasm,
what to do, can any procedure.
The man turned to her and listened:
- Undress, let's see what you have there.
She undresses, he followed her. Hour runs rampant sex, the patient three
consecutive finishes. Then he stood up, shook. She:
- Oh, I'm so excited - the first time a gynecologist, thank you. You
original methods of treatment!
- Nothing, you know, I, too, for the first time, and too worried. I posting here
more repair, but the doctor tomorrow takes. But I liked it, call
Nightmare Putin: Condoleezza Novodvorskaya.
If you drink our bottle of shampoo, then your intestines would be soft
With the increasing casualties among U.S. troops in Iraq
President Bush has decided on their withdrawal in March of this year. Conclusion
troops will be carried out on the territory of neighboring states - Iran.
In Estonia in commercials agreed 25-th frame is broadcast to 60
The man complained to the doctor:
- I have problems with digestion. I was plagued by constant constipation.
- Tell us what and when you eat.
- At 7 am my first breakfast. I eat that's ...
At 10 am I had a second breakfast. I eat that's ...
In 13 hours I had lunch. I eat here is ...
At 14 o'clock I have lunch (food lists)
In 17 hours I had afternoon tea. I eat ..
- Enough. Can not continue, I already understood. Eats you in three
throat, and a priest you can not cope.
His favorite expression of female mathematicians: "In view of the smallness, this term can be
- Doctor, your apple diet for weight loss does not help me!
- Do you wash your apples?
- Try not to wash.
- Valya, and what you feed your husband?
- Yes they themselves eat, then give him.
Sverhskromny guy in the pharmacy, terribly embarrassed by turns, almost whispering:
- I do it ... condom.
- What? Speak up!
- Well in general, Paulina, Rose, Helen, Zina, Evdokia, Ruslana, Valya
Aksinya, Tonya, Ira, Vera.
Pharmacist with surprise:
- And where are you with one condom at a mob?
Why would women not be worth their beauty, men would be more expensive.
- Who is that naked woman in the photo?
- It Lidiya. It works on our prezervativnoy factory!
If you're at the request of his wife turned off the football and went to take out the garbage,
then immediately wake up - this is a nightmare!
The Motherland is calling!
At home ... to obscenely ...
- Vasya, how can you every day so nazhiratsya?
- Yes, you know .. For 20 years I just can not believe that it is
freely. Everything seems to disappear tomorrow.
In fact, the Chinese are not so much ...
And the other half a billion - a pirated copy
2050. Measures to improve fertility in Russia yielded
results. The population has exceeded one billion. Most
common names in the East became the Qing, Guo and Liao. In the West --
Ibrahim, Ahmed and Mahmoud.
From the questionnaire on dating site:
Dating a guy, a girl, a pair of M + M, a pair of M + M, transsexual
for sex, group sex.
Concerned, please do not disturb.
In Russia, the cream of society fattest.
Bush, breaking a walnut:
- It is very similar to the human brain.
- Yes, especially yours.
- Also many convolutions?
- Same size.
For the third term, Putin has two-thirds of Russians.
Others have not yet confessed.
Run to all the stars in the cosmos, the Earth would become brighter!
One woman decided to go for the world and help all those in her care
needs. Once in the spring, she came to a village where he lived alone
man. He had a crippled leg, and he was very limp when walking. All
was called Gus gripping. Woman decided to stay and help the peasant
managed in the field and on the farm. So the summer. Harvested and
woman is not going away. All the village began to murmur and sent a priest
know what was wrong. The priest came and spoke.
- Gus gripping, people worry that you're living under one roof with
woman and not married to her.
To which he replied:
- Father, I have all provided. I put a wide board in the middle
- But my son - said the father, - you have every night to fall to his knees and
pray to God that he delivered you from the temptation!
- Padre, if I stand on my knees, so in order to climb
the damn board!
The last thing people want to hear about what was in it, and so
Rate our new tariff "retarded pensioner:
each pensioner, has learned to ride a scooter,
receives a 20% discount on calls to itself.