Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes

New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
Actor at the shooting of the film, looking fearfully down, refused to jump from
rocks in the pond:
- Ibid shallow!
- And we are not going to drown you on the script!
Joke #575 —  
 
0
 
- Excuse me, help me to tie a tie?
- No problem!
- How does it deftly you can come!
- And you would have worked with my gallows!
Joke #574 —  
 
0
 
What we learn from Hollywood

Hackers to note: In order to break certain site, you must
get the hand banging on the keys at a speed of 900 characters per minute,
and then you will pick guaranteed password at least to the Ministry of Defense
United States for 30 seconds.

Mercenary's Tips: Act always alone, so as not to divide
money. First Spread the face with soot or at least the end of shoe polish.
Take me or one pistol, ammunition, or really hang round with a leg up
head. In the first case, steal up to the enemy by making a brazen face, in
second only Strelna on goal propelled grenade, then firing from
machine guns, rifles, etc., in the end will, of course, work and
knife.

Participants are fighting without rules: make sure in advance that
your opponent before beating both should be your best friend, according
able to send him to the hospital, ideally when killed. Then heavy
time just remember this, and you tear it as Tuzik rag.

Minesweeper: First, set up an waistcoat with all sorts of tools
use is not required, but it looks great. Do not rush to cut
any wires, if you hurry up, time will run faster and
have to cut another posting. Somewhere in 1-3 seconds before the bomb
Cut any wire and everything will be fine. Hours are usually fixed
directly to the bomb, such red electronic.

The novice bandit: First, get the most brazen kind.
Then learn how to grind some obscure rubbish in large numbers,
Wear a black suit and the trick.

Lessons of Indian cinema:

First of all, whoever you work, sing anywhere and everywhere, on any
about, not bad even occasionally indulge in the dance.

Tips HK masters:

The bandits and the police: Do not take it with you on the disassembly of small
Automation of them still did not kill anyone. It is best to just wallop
opponents hands and feet.
Joke #573 —  
 
0
 
The U.S. government announced a reward for the head of Bin Laden - 25 000 000 $.
The Israeli government thought and added to the 30 pieces of silver.
Joke #572 —  
 
0
 
Ensign explains recruits:
- An individual soldier - it was his boots. They have to shine like a smile
idiot. Whoever does not understand, look at me.
Joke #571 —  
 
0
 
- Uncle, I'm sorry, let me please ask
you?
- Of course, boy!
- Go to the dick here, pizdyuk bump against, your mother's mouth to fuck!
Joke #570 —  
 
0
 
- Leh, see what kind of girl! Hips - in, the chest - in!
- Sanya, calm down, you have 10 points!
Joke #569 —  
 
0
 
ACCEPTED an idiot
doctor - drug addiction Schmitt Ilya Aleksandrovich his colleagues. Even
put him in a madhouse. For reasons
Medical
Ethics, Ilya did not contest the erroneous diagnosis of colleagues.
He
waited until all went to bed, and demonstrate this unfortunate
Aesculapius difference between an idiot and schizophrenic - a serial killer
prone to sadism.
Joke #568 —  
 
0
 
My daughter wrote her mother a letter: Hello Mama, I'm good, I have AIDS.
Mother, after reading this, fly to visit my daughter.
Arriving to his daughter, the mother asks:
- Is it true?!
Daughter:
- Mom, what are you, that I wrote for the conspiracy:
Sugar Acquired Search Yeast
Joke #567 —  
 
0
 
- I have a wife - like a bullet!
- Fast?
- No, you fool ...
Joke #566 —  
 
0
 
Dying mother-in-law ...
- Call-in-law, I want him to say goodbye.
Son runs with a bottle of vodka:
- Well, come on, mother-in-law, one for the road.
Joke #565 —  
 
0
 
New Russian says to his wife:
- Let your mother in a sanatorium for the deaf in mesyachishko-other
send the rest.
- What is she going to do it perfect diction and a wonderful ear.
- And how about the proverb: "Who povedeshsya - from that and rack up"?
- You idiot, this proverb does not work. Your wife is a gynecologist, and you still
then f% & y with n% & doy confusing.
Joke #564 —  
 
0
 
What is the most terrible natural process threatens the pipes? ..
Right, BURNING!
Joke #563 —  
 
0
 
Used to be - eat breakfast myself, stripped lunch with a friend, dinner give
enemy.
Most recently - myself eat breakfast, lunch, stripped with a friend, leave dinner
breakfast.
It is now - eat breakfast myself, for lunch to go see a friend, grab dinner
the enemy and leave for breakfast.
Joke #562 —  
 
0
 
Cab passenger liner. Height of 6000 m. The display board
computer displays the message:

Engines stopped because of an error (unknown) in the module 6h000y03.
Try to fly again. If the problem persists - contact
manufacturer.
Joke #561 —  
 
0
 
Family Morozov filed in the city registrar's office immediately two statements ... Statement
filed for divorce the wife, returning from the sanatorium. Statement of change
behalf of his 8-year-old son of Fyodor at Pavlik - filed a husband.
Joke #560 —  
 
0
 
Call.
- Hello!
- Hello ... I'm from St. Petersburg ...
- Well ... immediately frighten ...
Joke #559 —  
 
0
 
Finally ended the era of blatant and vile lies, when we were told
that the national sport - a gourmet tennis. We always knew
truth and believe that our popular Russian sports - Judo.
Andy
Joke #558 —  
 
0
 
Motorcyclist, hurtling at high speed, suddenly sees flying
directly at him ... sparrow! He presses on the brake, trying in every way
dodge, but still hurt sparrow helmet. A sparrow flies off in
side and falls. Rider felt sorry for the poor bird. Somehow finding
lying on the ground sparrow, he took him with him, he brought to his home,
placed in a cage, gave him a saucer of water, poured cereal
crumbs, then went to sleep. Morning sparrow wakes up,
looks around and says to himself:
- Where am I? .. So-so ... grill ... bowl with water ... bread ... What a shame!
I just killed a motorcyclist!
Joke #557 —  
 
0
 
By what formula will be held elections in Afghanistan?
Very simple: one shot - minus one vote.
Joke #556 —  
 
0
 
U.S. Marines came to Kabul and allowed the Afghan
women's open face. We looked at them ... and ordered to close the back.
Joke #555 —  
 
0
 
One guy comes to his friend and, surprised purity in his apartment,
asks:
- Who brought you this order?
- My dog.
- Dog? ..
- Yes, I have a very intelligent dog, cleaning for her - that's nothing, you
better try, as she prepares.
After tasting guy says:
- Sell me a dog, no money spare.
The owner of a wonderful dog broke a long time, but finally agreed
sell it for $ 5000.
Two days later muzhiik calls "seller" and says:
- This dog does not clean and does not prepare, but shit, chewing furniture and
shed, that the vile of dog you sold me?
- Look, if you continue going to talk about his dog such
things in life it will not sell.
Joke #554 —  
 
0
 
Buy a glass. Urgent!

Hotel "Russia", ask Dan.
Joke #553 —  
 
0
 
By what formula will be held elections in Afghanistan?
Very simple: one machine - one vote.
Joke #552 —  
 
0
 
There is an American paratrooper in the Afghan countryside, sees - the Pashtuns
Taliban tied to a tree and a hot stick on his back foul
the words burn. The American asks:
- What, Pashtuns do not like the Taliban?
The Pashtuns are turning to it for some time it carefully
view, and then one says:
- Well, you know ... we and the Americans ... too ... somehow not very ...
Joke #551 —  
 
0
 
Led by two Arab suicide bombers on a mission.
One - to another:
- Nervous?
Second:
- And then? First time all the same!
Joke #550 —  
 
0
 
Chukchi decided to become a geologist.
He asked:
- Chukchi, why did you do that?
- However, when going to a geologist, his wife to fuck myself again!
Joke #549 —  
 
0
 
Advertising agencies in different cities competing offer vouchers to
honeymoons. Venice offers to see their channels, Paris --
Louvre and Notre-Dame, New York deceive the Metropolitan Museum. As a result
won the city Kruglozazhopinsk with advertising: In our city nobody will
Dragged out of bed PLACES TO SEE
Joke #548 —  
 
0
 
In the Patent Office:
- I brought an application for environmental vibrator.
- Describe me his device.
- Live bee in a bamboo tube.
Joke #547 —  
 
0
 
I read the bald gentleman Ad: "Hair Restoration" and came to
address. Big money is paid. Povydergali his ass hair, and
transplanted to the head. Is he home and beauty and brags before
wife. And his wife: "Lord, for this money could do at least
to the neck, and as you head to look like ass.
Translated Len
Joke #546 —  
 
0
 
Belgian anecdote.
- If you go by car from Belgium to Holland, as can be determined
where is the border?
- As soon as the cows are starting to become more beautiful women.
Joke #545 —  
 
0
 
From the American magazine "Maxim".
The couple comes to a sexologist for a consultation. I want
said his wife, new sensations, and generally improve our sex life.
The doctor asks:
- And you stand "Cars" did not try?
- No! What is it?
- Come in, the spouse takes you back under the knees, you are lifted, the hands
fully extended, to rely only on the palm ... go!
My wife thought, and then said:
- Well, I agree, but I have two conditions. Once hands
I get tired, stop immediately. And in no case shall flee
the street, on which stands the house of my parents!
Joke #544 —  
 
0
 
Three-tsirkachki chrevoveschatelnitsy sit and talk to each other and who
how they managed their ability to scare.
One says:
- That I once scared razdatchitsu in the dining room. I picked up the fish and say
stomach - I do not advise me to take, I'm still on the basis spoiled.
Second:
- Is that ... So I puganula neighbor, when he brought the dog for a walk. Pass
side and say - the owner, here's my last word, if tomorrow
mating povezesh me, I told you the whole apartment obossu.
Third:
- It's really frightened? Here I puganula guy, so he fell into a swoon.
Immediately fell as soon as I heard - "Oh, sorry I have no teeth."
- So what's so terrible?
- So it was during the inspection gynecologist heard ...
Joke #543 —  
 
0
 
Cemetery. There is funeral service for the deceased in the coffin lay the old man. Father
utters the last words of prayer and allowed to say goodbye to the deceased.
Last goodbye old woman and kissed the old man, saying:
- I kiss you in the eyes that did not give affection ...
- I kiss you in the pens that do not bear payday ...
- Kiss ....
- Kiss ....
- I kiss you in the heel, which ran on "blyadki" ...
Here is heard the voice of the priest:
- Mom, kiss him bump dy we close the lid ...
MaksArt.
Joke #542 —  
 
0
 
4 am. Duty chemist. On the eve of surly young man.
- Give me a cure for insomnia!
- You what?
- The test to determine pregnancy.
Joke #541 —  
 
0
 
Classes dance company are held in the house of culture.
It turns out the girl from the building and a plaque reads:
"In 1920 there appeared Lenin."
- My grandmother, and in which he performed a dance?
Joke #540 —  
 
0
 
TIPS housewife.
If you want to prepare yeast dough, yeast and you do not have --
any shit you do not succeed.
Joke #539 —  
 
0
 
Conversation two Chukchi:
- I recently sent my daughter to Odessa on the top model student.
- And that the closer could not?
- And where people appreciate the humor, though!
alexoren
Joke #538 —  
 
0
 
Comes in. puny little man in spectacles, a typical white-collar worker
in a gay bar. All with interest in looking at him, he comes to the counter and
says:
- Sorry, but this is not Windows XP do?
Joke #537 —  
 
0
 
Sit two aunts in the doctor's office, waiting for admission, complaining of life.
One other:
- My daughter is pregnant again.
Other:
- And my cat is pregnant again ...
First:
- You easily can drown the kittens though ...
Joke #536 —  
 
0
 
The town we have a small, respectable girl, but to marry
and get something nowhere!
Joke #535 —  
 
0
 
One friend tells another:
- Yesterday evening in the park I was attacked by a maniac.
- Sexy?
- You know, for my taste, not very.
Joke #534 —  
 
0
 
Single line.

Bill Gates: The bottles are?
Putin: I travel!
Alla Pugacheva: In your country can join the choir?
Kasparov: A horse as a go?
Luzhkov: Yes, here's my stamp on the residence permit!
Berezovsky: Police?! I Zaporozhets hijacked!
Dzhigarkhanjan: And in the movie is difficult to be removed?
Michael Jackson: Who are negros?
Chernomyrdin: What is the essence of the conceptual foundations of your very
odious political paradigm of ambivalence?
Joke #533 —  
 
0
 
Issue Internet news:
"In connection with the start of the election campaign in Ukraine has increased dramatically
cost of public third-level domains in Norway ... "

prezident.gov.no
Joke #532 —  
 
0
 
Order of the Chief of General Staff.
In order to prevent collisions with foreign military equipment
order:
1. Henceforth, the teachings of the Navy made only in lakes and ponds.
2. Flying combat aircraft to be utilized only in closed rooms with
compliance with fire prevention.
3. For the flight deck aircraft equipped with additional facilities,
specified in Clause 2 of this order, gangs and basins.
Date. Signed.
Joke #531 —  
 
0
 
Yesterday ended restructuring - finished the last bottle of vodka
purchased
of coupons.
Joke #530 —  
 
0
 
In the Libyan village neighbors growing boy and a girl. Once children
reached marriageable age, they were married. Three months later, the father
asked
wife is pregnant whether their young daughter. Mother begins to pry at
girl and suddenly she recognized that she was still a virgin.
"Why?"
- And we have nothing.
- How do you live?
- Your son comes home from work, I asked him what he will drink - tea
or
coffee, then he drank, watched TV and we go to bed.
- And why you yourself do not offer?
- I do not know how, and shy.
- Not know how? Ask: "What do you want? Drink tea or fuck?"
The next day, the girl and asked. Try ... They so
pleased that this has become a habit.
Three months later, came to him to visit his uncle. At the wedding was not.
He brought gifts. Young asks:
- Uncle, you want to drink tea or fuck?
Moujik as much thrown in the pot. Breath, the girl looked around and said hoarsely:
- Fuck ...
- Then wait for her husband - he was two hours later, come home from work and you vyebet.
Joke #529 —  
 
0
 
And yesterday I flipped on the beach at all .. Suits me the guy stretches
money. Well, I took the money, but a guy I did not like who he is
needed - without the money.
(c) Jammin
Joke #528 —  
 
0
 
Worked in a sawmill man, thoughtful and circular saw him all the fingers
cut off. Resorting to the doctor and yelled:
- Doctor, my fingers are cut off! ...
Doctor:
- And where fingers are?
- There, at the sawmill! ..
- Run faster, bring here, it's too late - to sew!
Fled man, not the hour of his second ... The doctor waits, worries, with work not
leaves, although the day was over, the Hippocratic after all .. Across
5 o'clock guy uses.
Doctor:
- Well! He brought his fingers?
- No .....
- Why?!
Guy (pointing his two stumps):
- I was not able to collect them!
Joke #527 —  
 
0
 
-.. You have his wife's monthly look?
- ??!!!
- .. And my - I always show ...
- What are you, perhaps, perverts something new? ..
- No, normal people: it - Accountant I - Auditor ..
Joke #526 —  
 
0
 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311