Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes

New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
In St. Petersburg on photographic competition on the theme "Gulf of Finland, won
picture, which depicts a Finn, standing on Nevsky Prospect
drinking vodka from the bottle.
Joke #677 —  
 
0
 
Last night on the street. Fintiflyushkina hooligans attacked the girl Masha K.
and tried to steal our most precious thing she has. But nothing of the sort
was! The most expensive Masha prudently left the apartment before
his friend Vitalik Sh
Joke #676 —  
 
0
 
In Italy, shot remake of "Brother" and "Brother 2". Tape will be called
"Bratello.
Joke #675 —  
 
0
 
In the clinic, after a morning round:
- Doctor, Doctor ... Sorry, I did not hear, as you said ..
I have to whom ... the ophthalmologist or the anesthesiologist?
- By eftanaziologu, my dear, to eftanaziologu ...
Joke #674 —  
 
0
 
Tips readers of the magazine "Cosmopolitan"

1. Your husband came home from work and asked to cook dinner.
Tell him that you just returned from a fitness club, and a
tired. Ask him to buy a pizza on the way home from work. Suggest
go to a restaurant. Think about whether you need a husband.

2. Your husband asks why in the apartment a mess.
Tell him that you can not also go to a beauty salon and
keep order in the house. Ask him to hire another maid.
Think about whether you need a husband.

3. Your husband is snoring in his sleep.
Ask him to sleep in another wing of the house. Go with a girlfriend on a cruise
around Europe. Think about whether you need a husband.

4. My husband refuses to buy you a lovely ermine fur coat
motivated by the fact that already bought this year fox.
Explain to him that it is indecent to go all the time in one and the same.
Tell me that this coat is suitable for your car. Think, Do
you such a husband.

5. Your husband asked to have a baby.
Explain to him that during pregnancy you can not wear it
lovely dress. Remind them that in winter you were going to go to
ski resort. And you can not throw smoke at a time when
There are new Vogue with such a refined taste. Suggest instead
child to start a new car. Think about whether you need a husband.

6. My husband gave you a diamond necklace.
Think that might be hiding behind such a gift. Most likely, the husband
wants to atone for any unseemly act? Hire a private
detective. Think about whether you need a husband.

7. Husband caught you in bed with an unknown man.
Explain to him that you are not someone else's property. Pray
the lack of attention on his part. Say that you're tired and you need
emotional discharge. Blame it in domostroevskoy moss and
conservatism. Think about whether you need a husband.

8. My husband said that his company is failing.
Think about whether you need a husband.
Joke #673 —  
 
0
 
There are damn old and young.
Young: K
- How good Naebus per day, but the evening sit down, hands in her pussy
zasunu and greyus and greyus ...
WAS:
- Ah, youth! That had happened before - naebus per day, going out on
porch, a Push the feet and the wind in her pussy at-oo-oo-oo ...
vg
Joke #672 —  
 
0
 
Prostitute married.
After some time, met with his former colleague-girlfriend.
- Well there married?
- Cool! In the evening I go in the alcove, and a husband ...
- And what is the alcove?
- Well, in our bed. So, wearing negligee ...
- And what is the gown?
- Well shirt night, do not interrupt. I picked up in the hands of a member of ...
- And what a member?
- Well, dick in our opinion, only softer.
vg
Joke #671 —  
 
0
 
Statistics confirm that in Russia smokes every second man and every
seven women. Therefore, when in the presence of a loved one you
takes out a pack of cigarettes, you can be quite sure about it: you or the seventh
woman, or a second man.
Joke #670 —  
 
0
 
If a man finds house unwanted rag, he releases.
If a woman finds homes unwanted rag, she cut it to 10 other
unnecessary rags.
(C) Robinson of Odessa
Joke #669 —  
 
0
 
The teacher gave the students a task to invent a quatrain. Little Johnny:
- Can I Chenopodium Ivan?
- Please Vovochka.
Little Johnny is now recites a quatrain:
- Masha went to the disco
And pleased with the bridge into the river,
As she gazed at the stars
And wet his knees.
Teacher:
- Little Johnny, why at the end of your quatrains no rhyme?
- So after all was fine.
Joke #668 —  
 
0
 
During the night the doorbell rang.
Landlord asks:
- Who?
- Tax Police!
Departing from the door:
- Again nightmares dreams.
Joke #667 —  
 
0
 
"Baltika" - beer brewed for YOU!
"Tuborg - beer brewed for them ...
Joke #666 —  
 
0
 
".. Will be full-scale research to clarify
issue of availability of thinking women. Even the discovery of this phenomenon have
single individual female will forever close the question and give
resistance misogynous .. "
Joke #665 —  
 
0
 
Philip Kirkorov has published a book about his divorce, which
called "I left my grandmother."
Joke #664 —  
 
0
 
Since Ira said that she was 22 man, I can not watch
football.
Joke #663 —  
 
0
 
The first space tourist Dennis Tito is strictly prohibited
touch anything on the International Space Station. Ho he still
touched.
And the astronauts liked it.
Joke #662 —  
 
0
 
They talk to two men in the pub:
- Listen, - says one - I want to open a beer in the Sahara!
- But there is almost no people!
- This is so, but if there will be someone - MOT With such a thirst for ...
Joke #661 —  
 
0
 
- John, Joe, what are you so unhappy, tortured?
- Yes, you know, yesterday with a friend were walking in the park, and there - a maniac.
- Sexy?
- Biseskualny.
Joke #660 —  
 
0
 
Congratulations on the radio:
- I congratulate my favorite Tanechka birthday, I wish her all
everything and ask her to put a song Arcadia Ukupnik "I'm on to you
never married. "
Joke #659 —  
 
0
 
Outstanding film director Nikita Mikhalkov, Russia intends to withdraw
sequels to two of his films. The working title of the new masterpiece
Wizard - "Burnt by the Barber of Siberia".
Joke #658 —  
 
0
 
- The girl you had sex for money?
- No!
- Excellent! And I've got just the money with no ...
ShakShadow
Joke #657 —  
 
0
 
Lawyer wakes up in hospital after a complicated operation and
discovers that all the windows in the ward curtains. He asks:
- "Sister, why all the blinds lowered? I that bad a bright light?
- No, just in the building across the street - a fire, and we decided to draw the
curtains, so you do not think that the operation was unsuccessful.
Joke #656 —  
 
0
 
From a young guy asked before the wedding certificate of competency.
The doctor gave brief MTS. The bride was delighted:
- How tractor!
After the first night she runs with claims to the doctor.
- I wrote: "You can just suck" - he replied.
Joke #655 —  
 
0
 
Today, only your holiday! Today we are here only because of
thee Today, we drink only for you! And if something happens
'll only blame you!
Joke #654 —  
 
0
 
Stages of development of women:
Stage 1 (3-7 years): "And my grandmother said ..."
Stage 2 (7-14): "Mama, you're so sly ..."
Stage 3 (15-19): "Oh, I have such a hundred-and-Araya ..."
Phase 4 (20-25): "Yes, I have long understood everything."
Phase 5 (26 - 29): "Do not hold me for a fool!"
Phase 6 (30-35): "I think I finally matured ..."
7 stages (36-42): "but life has just begun ..."
8 stage (43-50): "Yes, you do not understand: but life only
started!
Stage 9 (51-60): "And you do something and do not understand ..."
10 Stage (61 -...): "Finally, I understood everything."
Joke #653 —  
 
0
 
In the nine hundred and thirteenth year over the gate Putilov hung
banner: "Let's give products at the sixty-two per cent less than in
1983!
Joke #652 —  
 
0
 
- Olya, but your childhood nicknames were?
- Yes. Winnie the Pooh.
- It's because you're such a pretty and plump!
- No! Just friends were pigs ...
Joke #651 —  
 
0
 
A girl friend complains:
- My husband no longer loves me.
- But why do you think so?
- Since the day we were married, I wake him every morning with a kiss.
It gives me a kiss, I kissed him again, he took me in his arms,
Well, she know ...
- And now?
- Yesterday was the anniversary of our wedding and you know what gift he had brought
home? Alarm clock!
Joke #650 —  
 
0
 
- Why do you ask for alms to the statue?
- Teach yourself to failure.
Joke #649 —  
 
0
 
There is gray wolf in the woods with a bottle of vodka. Towards - Little Red Riding Hood.
- Stop, Little Red Riding Hood! Where are you going?
- I'm going to my grandmother, I bear her pies and gorshochek oil ...
- In Shoot! It only happens in fairy tales: a drink - there are with whom, zakus --
brought, even there, what are you then smear shit!
Joke #648 —  
 
0
 
- Well, whatever it is, over the hill?
- It's boring, deadly dull.
- But we have fun, though too deadly.
Joke #647 —  
 
0
 
- You had to use the services of "Sex on the phone?
- Yes.
- And what is the phrase you like most?
- "You have not got there."
Joke #646 —  
 
0
 
In a dark alley woman stops robber:
- Well, get undressed!
She takes off his expensive garments and gave the robber.
He shouts:
- All skidavy with a fully!
- But I'm shy!
- Nothing to be ashamed, I am a former medical doctor!
Joke #645 —  
 
0
 
The textbooks:
1. Mayakovsky Q. What got from wide legs?
2. Evtushenko E. They want a Russian? Want!
3. Tiutchev F. How to understand Russia?
4. Pushkin How wonderful moment to remember?
5. Lermontov M. Vskolkerom go on the road?
6. My dear capital. Directory of real estate prices in Moscow.
Joke #644 —  
 
0
 
1. Not think.
2. If you think - do not tell.
3. If you think and say - do not write.
4. If you think, speak, write - did not sign.
5. If you think, speak, write and sign - do not be surprised.
Joke #643 —  
 
0
 
A new teacher came into class, discovered that one boy teased
Moishe-fool. At recess, he asked the boys why they did so
miscall.
- Yes, he really a fool, Mr. Teacher. If you give him a big
coin in five shekels, and a small ten, he will choose five, because
he thinks it more. Here, look ...
The guy takes out two coins and offers Moishe choose. That, as always,
selects five. The teacher was surprised spraschivaet:
- Why did you choose the coin in five shekels, instead of ten?
- Look, she's more, Mr. Teacher!
After school the teacher walked over to Moishe.
- Do not you realize that five shekels more than just size,
but at ten shekels to buy more?
- Of course I understand, Mr. Teacher.
- So why did you choose five?
- Because, if I choose ten, they will stop giving me the money!
Joke #642 —  
 
0
 
Arrives "Red Arrow" in Moscow.
On the platform the passengers encounter elegant clerks.
- Pitersky?
- Yes!
- Write, read, know how to read?
- Yes!
- Will work in the Government of Russia!
Joke #641 —  
 
0
 
Narco riding in the bus. Next is my grandmother and said to him:
- Grandson, you dirty cheek.
Narco very slowly begins to rub his cheek.
Grandma:
- Yes, on the other side!
Narco:
- A-ah ....
Puts his fingers in his mouth and starts rubbing his cheek from the inside ...
Joke #640 —  
 
0
 
Guide at the zoo says:
- This Indian elephant, and it is African.
- And what is the difference between them? - Asks one of the visitors.
- Huge! One name is Raja and another Bobo.
Joke #639 —  
 
0
 
- Doctor, my husband is very ill. What?
- First of all we must make a diagnosis. Undress and show
where it hurts.
Joke #638 —  
 
0
 
Announcement in Sheremetyevo-2:
Frank recognition makes your luggage.
Joke #637 —  
 
0
 
Georgians on the streets of Yaroslavl asks:
- Listen, here's Hospital somewhere nearby was like to go?
- How something called the hospital?
- Wai, neprilychno is called, say ne can.
- Tell me decently.
- Well, if prilychno, then "Pys-pys Maria.
- Ka-a-o?
- Pys-pys Maria.
- No there such a hospital. Speak as they are, indecent ...
- Okay. Hospital Ssy, Masha.
Joke #636 —  
 
0
 
NEWS: The film studio "Mosfilm" began filming the continuation of the famous
children's film "The Adventures of Electronics", entitled "Trip
Electronics for non-payment.
Joke #635 —  
 
0
 
Inetchik yells at his wife:
- Are you changed?
Wife:
- No, that's you! How could you think so?
- No, better to say. You cheated on?
- Yes, stop, and never dreamed of!
- If you find out what has changed - I'll kill you!
- Tell me what happened?
- What was that! In the Internet can not enter, the server gives: "Your password
wrong! "He could not change myself! (yelling) You changed?
Joke #634 —  
 
0
 
Gala dinner

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of the Division of Human Resources
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Lunch

We gladly wish to inform you that our company invites you to
Christmas Dinner, which will be held Dec. 23 at noon, in a separate
room barbecue.
It is also a bar with plenty of alcoholic beverages. We
invited a small musical group, which will play traditional
Christmas songs ... sing along if you want. And do not be surprised
if our director would come dressed as Santa Claus.
We will include the lights on the Christmas tree in the hour of the day. At the same time
employees can share their gifts, however, worth no more than
10.00, so as not to facilitate your pockets. At the festival are invited
only our employees!
Our director also intends to make a speech during the holiday.
Merry Christmas to you and your families! Patti.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of the Division of Human Resources
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Celebration

In yesterday's appeal, we do not want to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah - an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we will call the party simply "Gala Dinner".
The same applies to all our employees who are not
Christians, and those who said other holidays.
Christmas tree will not. Christmas songs will not. Be
other music for your enjoyment.
Satisfied?
Merry Christmas to you and your families! Patti.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of the Division of Human Resources
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Gala Dinner

As for the note, which I received from a member organization of Anonymous
Alcoholics with the requirement for non-drinking table ... which is not signed.
I will be glad to meet this wish, but if I put on the table
inscription "Only for the AA, you will no longer anonymous. How should I
do in this case?
Anybody?
Forget about the exchange of gifts, exchange of gifts is not allowed because
union members believe that the 10.00 - too expensive, and the board - that
10.00 is too small amount for a gift. Exchange of gifts is NOT
Enable.


FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of the Division of Human Resources
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Gala Dinner

What we stand for diverse, team! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim month of Ramadan, during which a prohibited
and drink throughout the day. There's your holiday! Seriously, we understand that
lunch at this time of year is contrary to the beliefs of our Muslim
employees.
Perhaps Barbecue can not bring your portions until the end of dinner - or
same pack your food so you can take everything home in a small
boxes. That suit you?
At the same time, I arranged so that the table for group members who take care of
The weight was as far from the table with dessert, and pregnant
women sat closer to the toilet.
Homosexuals can sit together. Lesbians do not have to sit together with
homosexuals, each group will have its own table. Yes, we put
flowers on the table homosexuals. Tom man, who asked permission
dress as a woman - no, it is nevertheless not allowed.
We organize high chairs for undersized. We care about food with
lowered kalriynostyu for people who are dieting. We can not
monitor the amount of salt in cooking dishes, and advise people
high blood pressure at first try.
For diabetics will be fresh fruit, a restaurant can not provide desserts
sugar. Sorry!
What I have missed ?!?!?
Patty


FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of the Division of Human Resources
TO: All #$%^&*! Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday %#*&^%@*%^ Lunch

Vegetarians ?!?!?! All my patience is exhausted! We intend to
this day in barbecue, whether you like it or not, so it can
sit quietly for the most distant from the "kitchen death", as you are cute
called, a table, and you get your #$%^&* salad, including hydroponic
way grown tomatoes.
But you know, they too have feelings. Tomatoes scream when they cut.
I heard them yell. I still hear those cries!
HA!
I hope your holiday is repulsive! I hope you got behind the wheel after drinking
and died, do you hear??
Bitch From Hell


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Director of Personnel
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Dinner

I am sure that I express the general view, wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from stress-related nervous breakdown. I will continue
send your cards with the wishes of the clinic. Currently,
board decided to cancel a holiday dinner and give all employees
free day with full pay on 23 December.
Happy holidays to you!
Joke #633 —  
 
0
 
- Why did the rooster in a hen jumps on one leg?
- Obviously, at this moment the other leg unbuttoned his pants.
Joke #632 —  
 
0
 
Weeping girl ppibegaet matepi to her husband and complains:
- Mama, Mama, he called me synphasal crustal!
- Do you know what a "common-mode"?
- Het ...
- So what do you passtpaivaeshsya may be is something hoposhee.
(c) vn
Joke #631 —  
 
0
 
Today in the Regional Court had considered the claim of national foreign ministers FE to
trolleybus management to protect honor and dignity of his and his
bride. According to the victim, during a trip in rush hour on the route
Number 9 in the latter was affected by the honor. Himself as a citizen of foreign ministers
squashed doors dignity.
Joke #630 —  
 
0
 
- Doctor! How do I get rid of strabismus?
- And how it is you came?
- Yes, yesterday went on the market and right eyes are dazzled! And as the price to learn
so they are back and never came back!
Joke #629 —  
 
0
 
What a drunken man in a language that a sober man was the day before.
Joke #628 —  
 
0
 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311