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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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- Remember, my son, not only in life can be achieved with his fists. Sometimes
have to pick up a good stick!
Joke #883 —  
 
0
 
In comes a cowboy bar and sees that there is absolutely no visitors.
- Where is everything? - Asks the bartender.
- Yes, hanging paper and Pete Brown.
- Hmm, the name of a what a strange!
- Yes, you know, he wears a brown paper pants, a shirt from
brown paper and even a hat made of brown paper.
- And for what it wants to hang something?
- Yes for @ scrabble the ball already!
Joke #882 —  
 
0
 
Two condoms at the pharmacy and talk.
- Oh, God forbid, Boris Moiseev buy ....
- And why?
- Not only that x% d sent, so even find yourself in the ass ....
Joke #881 —  
 
0
 
- I have a flashlight.
- Pocket? And what do you highlight?
Joke #880 —  
 
0
 
The visiting general comes to corral. Views soldier
raping a pig.
- What are you doing, soldier?
- Your order performed.
- Which order?
- Because you yourself said. To be streaky bacon - Pig
day to feed, day x;% in the battles;%.
Joke #879 —  
 
0
 
- So what are you still left her husband?
- And what could I do? Do you remember when I met him,
He told me that he was in bed as a royal eagle? But I did not
ornithologist, where I knew that this damned bird makes love
times
in three years!
Joke #878 —  
 
0
 
Daughter:
- Dad, but as you and mom meet?
- A very simple. I discovered as a phone book at random, jabbed
finger in the page and dialed number who was caught.
- And what?
- And got straight to my mother at work. Talked. Mama I immediately
liked. And her voice, and thoughts, and manner of expressing these thoughts.
- And how her mother's work is called?
- Oh, docha That was long ago ... And yet, "phone sex", it seems ...
Joke #877 —  
 
0
 
Smart girl acquainted with the guy. In addition to the thick gold chain around his neck.
She thoughtfully:
- A golden chain on the oak tree that ...
He smirk:
- Yes we know, know, and not only Lermontov ...
Joke #876 —  
 
0
 
Labor gift. By birthday Putin railroad known
station Moscow Ranzirna renamed it in Moscow Sortirvovochnaya.
Joke #875 —  
 
0
 
Mayor of Moscow Luzhkov has decided to sell the mummy of Lenin, in order to replenish
city treasury funds.
Were otslany proposals in all countries and museums in the world. But no one wanted
buy a mummy of Lenin. Only from Jerusalem came to a positive
answer.
A day Luzhkov refused to sell the mummy of Lenin in Jerusalem:
- Do you have a rose ...
Joke #874 —  
 
0
 
- Who invented tap dance?
- It came up with the Georgians, who had 10 children and one toilet at all.

- Who invented the waltz?
- A French couple, when the traditional classroom
sex, they could not be separated from each other and they had to go to
doctor
directly in this form.

- Who invented the lower break?
- One of the hippies, skinheads, who tied his hands and poured the ants for
collar.

- Who invented rap?
- Brigade niggers, which sachkovstvo for the collection of cotton planter
forced to dance on hot coals.

- Who invented the cancan?
- Mature wife of a cowboy who could not climb the
horse yourself.

- Who invented the hip-hop?
- The owner of a tent, which is worn out to train his monkey.
Joke #873 —  
 
0
 
- I want to get a dog, but his wife did not daet ...
- Why did you decide that the dog will?
Joke #872 —  
 
0
 
How to wean children from having sex?
We must teach sex in school as an ordinary object and ask for it
homework.
Joke #871 —  
 
0
 
Little Johnny came to school physical education classes. The teacher asked him:
- Little Johnny why are you late for a lesson?
- I, Anatoly Mihalich, in a toilet with a friend in the towns played.
- How can this be in neskolkiz square meters to play skittles?
- Very simple: a friend of the figure display, and I threw a stick!
Joke #870 —  
 
0
 
Radio 31, the transfer of "You wrote".
Students 7 th "B" grade of 21 requests for his teacher to put
the sound of a drill.
Joke #869 —  
 
0
 
Billy and Bobby walked through the corn field in Alabama. Suddenly, Billy
stopped when he saw a sheep zastryavshuyyu head in the fence.
- Op-pa! - Joyfully exclaimed. - The girl will klevaya party!
Billy hurried to the sheep, took off his pants and quickly began ee fuck.
Finished svoe occupation, Billy pulled his pants otoshel aside and nodded
Bobby:
- Come on, kid - now your holiday!
Bobby sighed, took off his pants and stuck his head into the fence ...
Joke #868 —  
 
0
 
The inscription on the red "Ake:" brothers, as you my coat on wheels? "
Joke #867 —  
 
0
 
- Elephants are very easy to train. You take a hammer to beat hoboty --
elephant sits surprise.
- Ho in the arena, then you did not hit it, but all something to yho whisper.
- It's y I asked him: "By hoboty want?"
Joke #866 —  
 
0
 
Enters as a Cossack in the ass to the Turkish Sultan ...
Joke #865 —  
 
0
 
Ostanovilsya nA traffic light Mers. Szadi, protiskivayas between mashinami,
podezzhaet cyclist. Because sozdavsheysya tightness, driving sozdaet
tsarapinu nA merci with zadnego kryla up front. Follow razborki
pokazali acute zainteresovannost vladeltsa mersa and his two
hitchhiking in bringing external vida in the initial state:
- A guy with you shtuka baksov ...
- Nay, without problems - dostaetsya of ryukzachka pachka.
- Do not, wait, a krasku same podobrat nado ...
- ..! - Dostaetsya of ryukzachka takaya same pachka.
And zavershenie, daby not lose litsa:
- Hu, tipa, za moralny damage ...
- ..! - Dostaetsya of ryukzachka third pachka.
Easy manifestation zainteresovannosti by the plaintiffs:
- Kem thou rabotaesh? .. (with babkami and upon a bicycle ...)
- Killerom.
- A-a, well, you togda zaberi obratno, naverno, their money ...
- Het, rebyata with kazhdogo three.
Joke #864 —  
 
0
 
The girl comes home from school:
- So, with Vovka I no longer friends!
- But why? - Asked the mother.
- He pulls me by the pigtails.
- But all the boys pulled for braids.
- Yes, but only Vovka pulls when I was still not finished.
Joke #863 —  
 
0
 
Onanist looks TV6, there is program "Behind the Glass."
In the shower once again comes Margo.
Onanist:
- Ugh, bl% .. A week already podrochit can not.
Joke #862 —  
 
0
 
News, "Behind the Glass"
As stated in an interview with our program known activist pop Boris
Moses - he was ready to give an apartment to Dan if he trahnet Max.
Follow the news ....
Joke #861 —  
 
0
 
Two alcoholic go to the store. Suitable to the counter, long look.
- Look, brandy 200 rubles worth it!
- This is temperance.
Joke #860 —  
 
0
 
I went to the Arab boy in a Jewish school. The teacher asked him:
- Boy, what's your name?
The boy replied:
- Mohammed.
Teacher in amazement:
- It's a Jewish school, you're beaten, whether Moishe.
- Well, - replied the boy.
Comes home after school, my father says to him:
- Mohamed, bring water.
The boy does not answer. He has yet again - boy zero emotion.
Pope asked him:
- What happened?
He replied:
- My name is Moishe.
Well, his mum and dad for such cases beaten.
The next day he came to school all blue.
The teacher asked him:
- Moishe, what's the matter?
He have described:
- Yesterday I got home - two Arabs beat ...
Joke #859 —  
 
0
 
I have the wedding on cats trained, very awkward animal ... While
ring on his paw odenesh, the whole face scratched.
Joke #858 —  
 
0
 
New wedding appeared recently in Russia. Now, instead of the bride
steal the wife's mother's wedding. The first experiment, conducted last
week in the city Gluzovo, was successful. Wife's mother, however, is still not
found.
Joke #857 —  
 
0
 
Stops the police car with a blonde behind the wheel.

M: - your rights, please.
B: - What?
M: - The rights, please.
B: - And what is right?
M: - This is such a little thing with your photo.
B: - Aaaa. (Rummages in her purse. Reaching the mirror). Please.
M: (Looks in the mirror) - Well, why did not you say that you
policeman.
Joke #856 —  
 
0
 
The old man with a Strasheni hangover goes to the blue sea and throws seine
the first time - is empty, throws the second time - is empty, the third time
cast the nets and the old man pulled from the sea gold fish, and fish says
he human voice:
- Let me go, old man, back into the sea, I have all three wishes granted!
The old man answered and said:
- Well, then a bottle of beer and zasohni!
Joke #855 —  
 
0
 
Question:
- Can I drink a liter of vodka?
Answer:
- Can. Just as it is then in a hold?
Joke #854 —  
 
0
 
If you open the front door sharply at the same time in 100 domestic
cars "Volga", then:
- At 29 machine door opens;
- Y 27 - not open;
- In 13 open, but it will not close;
- In 9 to open the trunk;
- In 12 the door will fall off;
- In 7 door falls off with the wheels;
- In 3 doors generally have not.
Joke #853 —  
 
0
 
Drive up to the music box construction, sits beside her drugs in a state close to
absolute zero. Ask:
- Hey, torchok, it Th is here vasche built, eh?
He thoughtfully, focus, gives:
- Oh-oh, vaascheeeee ...
- No, you merely say specifically, Che will be here?
- Oh-oh, vaascheeeee ...
- Hey, do not Tupi! We, in kind, nerves of iron, say, as it is,
Th building?
- On-vasche-store!
Joke #852 —  
 
0
 
- Why have you sent the wife's mother in the course of driving?
- To hang a sign on the door "Entry Denied"!
Joke #851 —  
 
0
 
The school ill teacher of Russian language and put on
replacement of mathematics. Hu, that means, he comes to the lesson.
Mathematician:
- What is the theme of the last class?
Pupils:
- Cases.
Mathematician:
- Repeat case.
Nominative: who, what.
Genitive: who, what.
Dating: Who ... - And then forgotten.
Mathematician:
- Who knows?
Pupils:
- Do not remember.
Mathematician:
- Then we derive. Suppose an unknown word X, then:
Who, what
Who, X
We form the ratio:

Why * anyone
X = --------- = what
who
Joke #850 —  
 
0
 
The doctor puts a hacker diagnosis:
- So, my dear, you have to live for 30 days.
- Excuse me, doctor, and where you can download the crack?
"ZeroCool"
Joke #849 —  
 
0
 
The pharmacy:
- Do you have any hormonal contraceptives, or
at worst, condoms?
- At worst yesterday Vietnamese dismantled.
Joke #848 —  
 
0
 
- How is the truck off the tram?
- Take the tram can push people only on the rails, and the truck - across
street.
Joke #847 —  
 
0
 
From the museum number 5 in Petropetrovska stolen ashtray that belonged
Director of the museum. Experts estimate the damage so far. Meanwhile, Director
have to use the golden monstrance 15 centuries.
Joke #846 —  
 
0
 
- What is not enough men to be perfect?
- TOTAL!
Joke #845 —  
 
0
 
At the medical school once posed Problems of paz:
- Ppofessop, please tell us how to distinguish a woman from a girl?
- You know, young man, a girl sits with shifted his feet,
because ...
Answer swallowed noise shear legs ...
Joke #844 —  
 
0
 
Agenda deputy.

7.00 - Wake up.
7.15 - invigorating morning lobbying.
7.30 - Breakfast.
9.30 - The deputy monitoring traffic police personnel salute.
9.55 - Deputy's mandate to the driver. Discussion shopping list in the first
reading.
10.00 - smoking break. Story jokes Kharitonov.
10.30 - Deputy requests to the Finance Ministry and State Building.
11.00 - Satisfaction parliamentary inquiries.
13.00 - Lunch.
14.00 - Discussion of dinner in the committees and commissions. Adoption of the resolution.
14.30 - smoking break. Story jokes Kharitonov.
15.00 - Search courtroom.
15.50 - Find the card for voting.
16.00 - Voting on the agenda.
16.01 - Short refreshing sleep.
17.01 - Fight on the current issue.
17.20 - Surgery. Amendment.
17.50 - Voting on the current issue.
18.50 - smoking break. Story jokes Kharitonov in the third reading.
19.00 - A trip home with lights flashing. Meeting with voters, gaping
on the carriageway.
19.25 - Meeting with the wife of a deputy. Discussion with the deputy of the situation of children
school. Assessment of children.
19.30 - Dinner.
20.00 - Family viewing of television. Find yourself in a report from
Duma.
21.00 - View television news. Acquaintance with the situation in the country.
21.30 - Free time, letters home.
23.00 - Restless sleep on the fate of the motherland.
Joke #843 —  
 
0
 
Morons, dokuriv, threw a cigarette butt on the pavement, thus creating work for
local janitor Matveich. Matveich whose broom breathed its last, ordered
new in the woodworking shop, and there ended the timber, and
They loaded the timber-work Baklushinsky, which began
relentless sawing and stubbing ordinary fishing line ... And
off they'd go ... And began to rise as if industry in the country,
but Matveich hung a sign "not to throw butts, and recovery
faded away ...
Joke #842 —  
 
0
 
The question that will not let me sleep in peace: whether to give President
additional term, if during a previous attempt, he commits
escape.
Joke #841 —  
 
0
 
- There was the ugly duckling ...
- Grew up a nasty duck!
Joke #840 —  
 
0
 
He loved her at first sight. With a second look he realized that without
She nobody it. In the third - that it would ruin him. From the fourth - that
contact with it would destroy his family. The fifth - that it would take away from it all
spare time. In the sixth he realized that too late, and it has mastered the other.
Then he gave her a farewell glance and, without looking back, poshagal
away. Buying a car has been postponed until better times.
Joke #839 —  
 
0
 
Originally Yesenin wrote the poem "You're still alive, my old lady?"
as an epigraph to never written a book of Dostoevsky's "Crime and
sentence 2.
Joke #838 —  
 
0
 
Comes a patient to a doctor. After discussing the problem and some
Survey doctor writes a prescription. "I must warn you, in
time course of treatment can not drink alcohol, the drug increases its
Effects of ten times, the consequences are unpredictable. "-" Doctor, can
the same recipe for my friend Slavik write? "
Joke #837 —  
 
0
 
It was in Tel Aviv. At the corner of one of the city streets, Aunt Ester
sold pretzels (pretzels are salty) one shekel apiece.
Every day, a young lawyer from the office next door, passing during
lunch tray by Aunt Ester, threw her one shekel, but
pretzels did not take. This went on for several years and they never
exchanged a word.
And so, going as usual near the tray, the lawyer again threw her one
shekel. And then she turned to him:
- Young man, I certainly very much appreciate you. You are a wonderful buyer
but alas, I must inform you that since yesterday, one pretzels
costs two shekels ...
Joke #836 —  
 
0
 
My husband shaves in the mirror and says to his wife:
- Something I have no razor shaves!
Wife:
- Strange as it was cutting linoleum well ...
Joke #835 —  
 
0
 
Vote lady late at night on the road, go far - no one
agrees to take them. Finally, one stops, but ... sees it
that drove just vdugarya drunk.
"Well, what do I do - I think - as some finishing their not stand here all the same
night.
Let's go. The first turn, the driver begins to skid. A woman cries out:
- Oh, please, just not in the post!
Drove the car miraculously straightens ... The second twist - wheelbarrow again drives off
for the curb. Woman screams:
- Oh, please, well, just not in my grandmother!
Machine again takes a normal position ... Third turn spooky
skidding on the verge vrezhutsya in another car. Woman with all his might:
- Oh, please, please!
Machine stops, took me to a lady turns the "face person" and
proclaims:
- Listen, a goat, not in the post, not a grandmother ... Where are you then need?
Joke #834 —  
 
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