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- All my life I work in a registry office, and I want my work to bring people joy. Dear Dasha and Sergey! Declare your marriage is dissolved!
Joke #1065 —  
 
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What if God is? You never can tell?
Joke #1063 —  
 
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One gay says to another: - Come on, we somehow with Albertikom, and meet us - a crowd of hooligans! - Well, got out? - Fool! Is it from us Albertikom so easy to get away!
Joke #1059 —  
 
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U.S. intelligence learned that rosiyskie nuclear missiles do total of three parts: bullshit, pizdyuliny and connecting them poebeni, and that all three completely interchangeable ...
Joke #1056 —  
 
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The entrepreneur bought station buffet and became its owner. He interested: - And why in your cupboard such small portions? - In this - and the deep meaning, and caring. We are doing our that the passenger is late for the train.
Joke #1051 —  
 
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The bar owner complains to a friend: - Sale brandy, whiskey, vodka, wine, liquor ... And when some mug drunk, then assign him a pair of glasses. I do not understand why such a small vytorg? - Yes, because in those glasses, which they blamed, you do not top up the water! - Yeah, exactly!
Joke #1050 —  
 
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If you want to lose weight - go on a daily basis in the confectionery cafe. Sit in a corner and, swallowing his saliva, watch as the people eating a cake. Every day of envy you shrink to 2 kg.
Joke #1047 —  
 
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The restaurant is a person in a salad is the client. Suitable waitress and said: - Young man, lift up my head .. Customer difficult divorces her head a little and looking at her muddy look, asks: - Why? - I'll change my salad to fresh, - meets a waitress, removing the old salad and substituting a new one.
Joke #1045 —  
 
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At the party, one girl liked a young man, and she decided to become better acquainted with him. But here's the problem - it is her completely indifferent. And this way and that it is trying to attract his attention -- all to no avail. Trying to somehow maintain a talk with him, she He asks: - Have you ever been in the Bolshoi Theater? - Inside the Bolshoi - not once, but that's about him often tusuyus ...
Joke #1042 —  
 
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- What distinguishes the real from the virtual sex? - Real - is when the fly you're afraid, and virtual - to fly.
Joke #1037 —  
 
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What computer differs from the Arab family? In the Arab family - a father and a few mamok, in the computer - a mother, but many, many folders!
Joke #1035 —  
 
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Let me introduce myself - Michael Warsaw, urologist. Among the friends known as Dr. Huybolit.
Joke #1034 —  
 
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"Lenin lived" - says history teacher. "Lenin is alive" - says ubezhedenny Communist. "Lenin will live" - says progressive geneticists.
Joke #1031 —  
 
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Why women do not participate in racing in Formula 1? Padding on the pit stop to change for more than rubber!
Joke #1025 —  
 
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Controller on the bus: - A young man that you fare? - Two of the ruble, is pointed!
Joke #1019 —  
 
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A man came to the Wild West to hunt buffalo. Hired Injun -- conductor. They walked through the desert, no buffalo. Suddenly an Indian ear drops to the ground. Then he gets up and says: - It recently ran bison. A guy (surprised): - How do you know? Injun: - All the shit in my ear, still warm!
Joke #1017 —  
 
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What would happen, be a man actually completely the masters of life?

- Eighth in March moved to the twenty-ninth of February. Every four
year is still possible to make.
- Tie could not tie. A fly does not buckle.
- Plastic surgery to increase a woman's breasts would be included in
program of free health insurance.
- All women have the same name - for simplicity in communication.
- All women would be allergic to gold, precious stones and furs
animals.
- In women's noses were a special filter to muffle the smell
beer, sweat and onions.
- Tyrannosaurus would put again - that in life was more adventurous.
- At work, the guy who plays the best in Quake, automatically
became a chief.
- Cats were allowed to keep only two places: refrigerators
Chinese restaurants and in shooting galleries - as targets.
- Each telephone would be provided with a device that causes
Communications within thirty seconds of conversation.
- Napkins and would have remained neizobretennymi. Galoshes too.
- A look at the woman's bust at the first meeting is seen to
as a formal declaration of love.
- For travel in the left lane at a speed of sixty miles per hour
shot would be in place.
- To undo a bra clasp, it would be easy enough to
her blow.
- After the next stage of racing in Formula 1, anyone could
steer fireballs winner.
- Gave his daughter in marriage, the mother automatically have forgotten about its existence.
Thus tesch problem would be solved permanently.
- Instead of "beer belly" would grow "beer muscles".
- Turning kick the table, with spikenard, checkers or monopoly
automatically would be your victory.
- In the beginning of transmission of news announcers talked to all the fresh obscene
anecdote
Joke #1013 —  
 
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The fellow is telling classmates:
- Dad went to the North after the ruble.
- Well, cho, brought?
- Yeah, brought. Here's a roll! Its never accept.
Joke #1007 —  
 
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Two old men chatting on a bench:
- That's bad luck! Yesterday accidentally touched the mirror - and it broke. Now
Seven years of failure to prosecute will be.
- Nothing of the sort! That's my neighbor broke a mirror, so its total
a year later moved to the tram.
Joke #1006 —  
 
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- My wife is stupid like a snail.
- Where did you get?
- Drag on a whole house??
Joke #997 —  
 
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Luxurious blonde came to the doctor, and he says to her:
- Remove all now I'll go round.
Blonde indignantly:
- But I have also only a tooth ache! Why should all take something?
The doctor thought a moment and said:
- Yes, you're right, leave the stockings!
Joke #988 —  
 
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Died a new Russian. At the cemetery colleagues remember the countless
virtues of the deceased. Intelligent, responsive, well-bred, educated,
sensitive, loyal ... The widow listened, listened, but as a cry out:
- Stop! Seems we are not to bury!
Joke #987 —  
 
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In the desert, met three. One says:
- We have such a drought was that the land has undertaken cracks on two feet
width!
The second responds:
- It's that! Here we have in the past year in the drought cow milk powder
doilis!
Third waving:
- What do you mean! Here we had a drought, so the trees for the dogs
chased, so they sprayed them!
Joke #978 —  
 
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He was clever and tried to change her life. He was wise and changed myself.
So the world has more than one bastard.
Joke #955 —  
 
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The office of a psychiatrist found two acquaintances:
- You have just arrived or are leaving? - Asks one.
- If I knew it, it would not be sitting here now.
Joke #954 —  
 
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- Why the Chinese do not wear contact lenses?
- They are not so widely open eyes.
Joke #937 —  
 
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U.S. President Dzh.W.Bush met at the White House of President of Russia
Putin. He was genuinely surprised and said that he was here
does.
Joke #924 —  
 
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Today in labor regime penal colony somebody let
red rooster. Not easy had a poor communist ...
Joke #915 —  
 
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News of the day: in the city Mordoboyske after another mass brawl was
decided to establish a committee to obezdrachivaniyu.
Joke #905 —  
 
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- Dad, why in Byelorussia in the winter slush, and cold and rainy summer?
- This is my son, due to complex atmospheric processes, moving
air masses and unpredictable fluctuations in temperature ... Actually
you know, son, what country, and such weather.
Joke #904 —  
 
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Most women love the light-brown hair with braids. In the summer need two or three
who are able to mow the grass at inconvenient.
Joke #903 —  
 
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Popal man to hospital, fracture - more than the bones.
Doctor:
- How is it you, my dear, happen?
- Why, at the wedding, the bride's friend painted under the crest ...
- And what do we have now hit at weddings!
- Yes for the love of art - a song sung Leontiev to his head.
- "Everyone wants to love, and soldiers and a sailor?"
- Aha ... Everyone wants to be and the bride, and a friend!
Joke #902 —  
 
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Underground Cognac "Napoleon"! Feel the morning itself broken, as
Frenchman at Moscow!
Joke #901 —  
 
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The lesson literature:
- Children, which adopted the historic character of the death of his horse?
Little Johnny looked up from a pornographic magazine:
- Catherine the Great!
- How Catherine the Great?
- Would you, Maria Ivanovna, so have - would immediately burst, and she
have suffered ...
Joke #900 —  
 
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I sent my mother Vovochka the store and says ... buy me a bra and two of three
cowards! He ran to the corner tripped, fell and forgot that it is necessary
buy ... Ran home and said:
- Mom! I forgot what to buy!
- Three bra and panties, two ...
He ran again in the corner and stumbled, fell and forgot what to buy ..
Returned ... his mother and said:
- Three bra, panties, two ... more shall not repeat ...!
He ran and fell again, and again forgot! I think that is necessary ... then
remembered and ran into the shop on! Rushes and says the seller:
- I'd like three and two nasisnika napisnika!
- Boy! Are you e.nulsya??
- Aha! Three times at the turn!
Joke #899 —  
 
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- You still kissed?
- I kissed ...
- And what was the reaction?
- Positive. Wasserman.
Joke #898 —  
 
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- Why guys can not get sick "mad cow"?
- Because all the men - pigs.
- Why women can not get sick "mad cow"?
- Because it is a brain disease.
Joke #897 —  
 
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- You Th so sad, Mash? - Asked Galya, has reached a visit to
neighbor.
- Yes, I went fishing yesterday with another woman and says that it --
mermaid and got him on the hook by accident.
- Well, did you, of course, put?
- Of course, but now for him nervous.
- Why?
- So then usher a whole green came and said that if he
mermaid will not be returned, it is my peasant horns pooblomaet.
- Well, are you?
- And I'm scared. You know that I have something to break off ...
Joke #896 —  
 
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Recently became fashionable inflatable melting: the water did not drown,
and walk along the beach is not ashamed.
Joke #895 —  
 
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Came the new Russian with his daughter in Antalya, a five-star hotel.
Come to dinner - and there is a Swedish table, all inclusive - eyes
scatter. Well, let the new Russian dimmed - and a daughter behind him
trace. One dish, two, three - father went for the fourth, and the daughter
already fallen off the table - not more. Then her dad says:
- That you have food in the stomach bad subsided. You go, walk,
rastryasis - and still a place free.
Well, my daughter went, walk, shaken - is back, and let again
welling. One dish, the other - my father went to the next, and his daughter
already belly like a drum - not more. And her dad and says:
- That you pants are too tight. You unbutton them - you have so much in
as will fit!
Well, my girl pants unbuttoned, his breath and went for a new dish.
Piled a plate full - eat, eat - there is already dad can not sit,
smoke - and the daughter all know, eats. Naela so that already can not breathe
--
and on the plate still something left. Then she said:
- Dad, if I have this dish doem, I burst.
And so my father looked at her with disgust:
- Then otsyad with his plate to another table, and I now own
Best put on a jacket - he know how much it costs!
Joke #894 —  
 
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Tourists in New York City.
1. If, while walking around New York, you saw the fallen pedestrian, necessarily
Help him / her up. If a pedestrian resists, lift
its force.
2. If you see a black man running down the street, then abruptly pull out that
in his hands, and run in the opposite direction. You are the owner of something
very valuable.
3. $ 19.99 for a sandwich and a can of Coca-Cola - it's not so expensive, although
the same money you can buy his wife a diamond ring dvuhkaratnoe
around the corner.
4. If you are offered cheap buy booth with a barrier at the entrance
the tunnel, be sure to buy. In any tunnel passing city
Hundreds of thousands of vehicles daily.
5. If the police stop you for violation of traffic rules
try to quietly shove him a ten-bill. Effect
unique.
6. Regardless of the color of a taxi driver, be sure to Get into him
conversation on any topic. Each of them perfectly versed in politics
economics, medicine, art, philosophy, psychology, astronomy ...
but only with the Egyptian, Pakistani, Malay, Papuan accent.
7. The most fresh and tasty food is not sold in restaurants and directly to
street.
8. When buying food on the street did not join the conversation with the seller. You also
vzbredet not to tease the head of a camel in the zoo.
9. A real pizza is sold in a pizzeria, where working alone
Mexicans.
10. Concrete youngsters from Russia. Under the pictures of Picasso at the Museum
The modern Art - did not price in dollars, and a year.
Joke #893 —  
 
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Q: I'm stuck in the elevator, what to do? ZH8-C
A: Log off and log on again.
Joke #892 —  
 
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There are two gin.
- Hey, bro! Che is with books you going?
- Yes, you know, we now have self-service. Customer guess
desire, I got him the necessary literature .. and then he
makes himself.
- Well Th he put forth?
- 1) grub
2) Pasterns
3) Oral sex
- And what books are you dragging it?
- 1) recipes home cooking.
2) How to Steal a Million.
3) Exercises for Yogi!
Joke #891 —  
 
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Dorenko gave 4 years. It would seem that what had Luzhkov ...
Joke #890 —  
 
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- There is no light, no water, the mail does not work ... Finally earned mail:
brought the bill for electricity.
Joke #889 —  
 
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- Guys, we have a reason to drink?
- Occasion - yes! Drink - no!
Joke #888 —  
 
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There comes a young couple to a sexologist and complain:
- We did not get help.
The doctor leaves and returns with a glass of clear liquid. Says
to drink and tried, but he will go a couple of minutes walk.
Returns, they are happy sitting. He asks:
- Well, it came out?
- Yes, all very wonderful happened, you're a genius!
- It was a psychological factor, you drink pure water.
- No, doctor, is the social factor - we simply have no place.
Joke #887 —  
 
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There is Ivan the Fool on lesy sees izbyshka on kypih legs. Postychal in
dvep, opens a emy Baba-Yaga.
- Pysti, grandmother pepenochevat!
- Hy, Wan, you and vppavdy dypak! Stapa me for this!
Joke #886 —  
 
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The master:
- Listen! Let's go to sleep! I get up early tomorrow!
Joke #885 —  
 
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Little boy:
- Dad, but Kate said that she found in the cabbage.
- Well, it may be ...
- And Kohl stork brought it.
- Okay.
- A stork brought me too?
- Stork, son, Stork. And the name of the stork's uncle Jora of the 37 th apartment.
I then marked it to other storks do not mix.
- Really?
- Do not believe me - come down to see. He still walks with a bent beak.
Joke #884 —  
 
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