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In the XVI century, Ukraine was groaning from the raids of the Turkish Janissaries. Thousands of Cossacks
were herded into the Turkish captivity. In Turkey, "The Cossacks" repainted, with
They rented rooms, and then distilled in Poland.
- Do not paw me!
- What is it not possible to touch the beautiful??
The basis of Russia's population are mosquitoes.
Q: Why do they have so far not represented in Parliament?
- Boy Kibalchish?
- Boy's. Kibalchu.
At 4 am an old woman calls the police, she meets a sleepy duty:
- Alla, we here at home in front of the suspicious person. With black
- So what, in my head, too beard. And mustache.
- But they have machine guns.
- And you look povnimtelnee - they fit?
- You see, this is probably the police.
- But they have something dumped in the basement.
- A-ha, it's time the FSB. They have these ... their ... teaching probably again.
- But they have green bandage on his forehead.
- And what you want, it is a serious organization - is thoroughly planned.
E-ah, but you let me dictate the number of their car just in case.
- Nothing else is written?
- No ...
- Then leave now.
The soldier turned to his commander with a request for leave because
illness of his wife.
- I would not refuse you, Private Smith, - said the colonel, - but
the fact is that I have just received a letter from your wife, in which
Requests to be you posnishoditelney and at the same time said that he felt
The soldier saluted, turned and headed for the door. At the threshold he
stopped and turned to the chief, said:
- In our regiment, sir, there are two desperate liar. And one of them - I,
because I am not married.
- I have decent rest and put himself in order, - explains
pretty cashier owner of the bar. - I'm obviously not in great shape.
- What kind of nonsense?
- Most do not even nonsense. When men began to consider the surrender ...
- In the lake to fish can not, - says huntsman.
- Here's how! And I think what it does not bite!
Two secretaries discussing their superiors.
- I like mine, but unfortunately, it is too pedantic.
- In what sense?
- He claims that all the words are written strictly defined way.
- Doctor, every night I dream of a nightmare, if I grab and
thrown from the plane!
- Wear a parachute at night!
The clinic in the queue at the Cabinet:
- Do you also like to watch the Mexican serials?
- Oh, sorry, I seem to have mixed up the room!
For the wealthy gentlemen!
Sale family "turnkey"
Belle wife, child and mother-in-law.
The soldier received a vacation after 6 months of service, going home to his
machine (it is not in Russia, of course). Passing the steep turns,
He suddenly sees a goat tied to a pole. And as for the six months he
very starved for love, he decides to meet its
need a goat. Fully clothed, he comes back to the goat and
begins its work. At this time there turns multi-ton
truck. A truck driver parked the car and sees that
avoid collision, dramatically slows. Goat heard the creaking of brakes, so
frightened that broke off the rope, which she tied to a pole, and --
run out. The soldier hardly had time to grab the horns. Goat sweeps, as
hurricane, sighted by two old men sitting on the bench. One
They said another:
- No, you only see that for young people today go: even dress
not at that and bought a motorcycle!
Stirlitz worked hard in his office from morning till night.
Once he was spotted at this job Muller:
"I see, you fool at all enough!".
Since then has to work hard the whole department.
Khachik trial for embezzlement. But a strong advocate caught, each point
clings. And everything goes to that Khachik acquitted for lack of proof.
Judge rises to announce the verdict. The lawyer ran up to him:
- Your honor, I beg to defer sentencing in connection with the re
The judge, in a whisper:
- What do you want, freak! You won the case! What there is
- Very important, your honor! At the defendant still have money!
- How does a psychiatrist from a psychologist?
- Patients zhaluyuschemusya of insomnia, a psychiatrist will write Relanium,
a psychologist to advise take the sheep.
Former traffic cop tells his son the tale:
- Gave uncle fairy godmother magic wand. He began with her near the road.
He waved again - stopped Zhiguli. Dali uncle 100 rubles.
He waved the other - stopped the truck. Dali uncle 200 rubles.
He waved a third time - stopped the "Volga".
- And they gave my uncle so much of sticks that he had to change jobs!
Why in the school lessons, and the Institute of couples?
Because in school learning, and the Institute paryatsya!
Communism. Early morning.
On the door of a grocery store ad:
Today in the butter needs no! "
German porn movie company Helen End Shmonders released a new type of
porn films: "Seven in one ...
One general was in a military hospital and was there to stay around
week. From the very first day it began to irritate him everything:
that it is not put in a separate ward, and in general to 6 beds, that
he was served a meal or cold, or one that is in general
impossible, that other patients do not keep quiet at night
etc. In short, all specifically pulled.
On the third day of his stay in the ward is a nurse and said to him:
- You need to measure rectal temperature, General.
Grumbling, the general still stands on all fours up in this ass
way that the nurse was able to introduce him to the thermometer. It introduces and
- Please, do not move, I'll be back in 5 minutes.
And leaves. An hour later, the House is already another nurse and sees
general in a piquant position. She surprised asked:
- What is happening here?
- You mean you never seen how to measure temperature?
- Of course, I saw Mr. General, but only do this rectal
thermometer, not daisies.
... and if you did not like the service in our company, write
here: firstname.lastname@example.org ...
The Swiss know: "If the street Blyumenshtrasse unexpectedly falls
Pleischner, then it's spring ...
Greenland Eskimos sure: "If the last day of June temperature
air rises to minus thirty, be long and hot summer. A
If the Eskimo women remove cotton trousers, and walk in the boots on bare
leg - summer has arrived ...
Living in West Germany, notes: "If you unbearably hot
Your face turned red, and you feel perfectly cooked,
check to see whether you are served with beer ...
Siberian sign: "If in the morning in the window looks gloomy, here with Takenov
erysipelas, a bear, then with the men yesterday went over a bit. Because
is not the window, and the mirror "...
Another Siberian sign: "If you drink, drink, and you all want and
want, it does not necessarily vodka. Although, of course, she, dear "...
Cannibals with small tibial island, says: "If your mouth is
pork, so it was a Protestant missionary. If stuffed
fish, then - Rabbi ...
Australian Aborigines say that the yellow leaves - to fly, and green to
winter. And not because Aboriginal people are so stupid, no. Simply have
Australia's all upside down ...
Peasants of Ethiopia said: "If an elephant's trunk there is a hippo." A
if he has a long neck, it is a giraffe. And if there is a trunk, and neck
long? Then it is defective elephant ...
Signs of North American Indians: "If the bison looks plaintively and
says "moo", do not shoot, do not. This neighbor's cow "...
Netherlands cheesemakers reasonable to believe that not just any cheese can be called
Dutch. At that Chukchi walrus hunters to answer - of course.
As not all hell ...
Pessimists believe the whole world, if a black cat crossed the road - to be
trouble. But optimists say - nonsense, it is repainted cat ...
(continuation of the old joke)
The young gentleman in waistcoat and wig on chamomile wondering: "He likes - does not like ..."
The young gentleman in a frock coat and top hat on chamomile wondering: "Love?
Me - of course! Willing - will not give ... "
Young man in jeans, wondering at camomile: "Love? Who these trifles are interested!
Give? Of course! Get up - do not get up ... "
Being nondescript looking at a daisy, logo ICQ, read on
Monitor: "I love you I want you!" Let's meet! " wondering:
"Man?" A woman? "Active? Passive?"
If you nakakala birdie ... Do not worry. Think and
smile, because in the sky and the planes still fly!
The store indignant buyer:
- Give me, finally, the goods!
- At the end - this is a pharmacy opposite!
- Who in your family chief? You or your husband?
- Of course my husband! He was Chief Executive of all my orders.
Very rich fauna of Russia. Here, there are up to 16 000 species
animals. Some are mosquitoes, for example, 15 and a half thousand species.
Call in the loony bin:
- But, Doctor! I just saw a UFO outside.
- Why did not you call the press, on TV?
- What am I - you fool! They're there for me to take psycho!
- Why are you so gloomy? - Asked a friend of a friend who
just buried his aunt. - Before you something about it not very
- Yes, you're right. I defined it in a mental hospital, where she held posledine
five years of his life. My aunt bequeathed me all her money, and now
I have to prove that she did it in his right mind.
Russia said that she agreed to enter into NATO.
But only once and very quickly.
In one village peasant very much headache. Here he
remembered that a neighbor had once been a doctor, well, and went to him.
- Petrovich, help me, my head is splitting.
P. poured a glass of moonshine. The man drank, the pain vanished.
A few days later another guy comes and says:
- Petrovich, help ... lock you out!
P. pours a glass of moonshine. The man drank it and grimaced.
- Petrovich, what is it? He just as moonshine moonshine was, and now shit
- So in fact it's like ... Fight fire with fire!
- Why did you marry this idiot?
- But he has a dignity - he does not drink, as you all!
- Yes! And he has worms?
- He has no worms!
- You look, has two advantages!
There is a peasant from the shop home. Near the door meets a neighbor.
- And you, Mihalich, it turns out th-th!
- In what sense?
- Wife marking time as much noise gai!
- What do you Kuzminichna, I was impotent with two years of experience!
- And what did she spent the whole morning screamed: "Orgasm! Orgasm!"?
- Duck, it is ... The last word in crossword guessed!
There are two:
- Well, as a rest?
- Yes, so not very. All decent, full service, sea, beach, museums,
- And we have wine, battle is, the police bullpen!
- Happy ...!
Guy gay first time decided to visit
mosque. His nastraschali in every way that, say, everything is so strict ...
He enters and sees - around one man, who rhythmically bends.
Relieved, he says:
- Well, guys, have you just Swedish table!
He met the "blue" with a man and said:
- So you are, Che, of our going from the blue?
- Do not - he replies.
- Chu, DAK Natural you?
- Yes, no, I Virtual!
- How is it? - Surprised fag.
- Yes, I am more mouse, mouse ...
Before the election of President Alexander Lukashenko promised to cancel
censorship in the press.
After his re-election he was the first same decree abolished censorship. Second --
In the car he and she.
She: "Honey!" What! "Why is a quarter to two all the time?"
He said: "This is a pressure gauge, ... fool!"
- Do not suggest how to get to the area of the "Three eccentrics"?
- Look, you see pub "Penguin"?
- I see!
- After him svernesh the corner, will be pub "Alligator", then after
Turning left - bar "stalwart", then at the end of the street pub "Blue
Lagoon ", then will pass to the corner and you will see a bar" whale's mouth. "
so, a mug for a mug and get out on the square of the "Three eccentrics.
Man comes to the doctor.
- Doctor, register me something from alopecia.
- Here is an excellent tool. Take it 3 times a day, a month
A month later, the terrified man resorted to a doctor.
- Well, how are we doing?
- Doctor, on his head intact, but on the ass they started to grow --
- Everything is normal, will come in a month.
There comes another man a month later.
- Doctor, that you gave me? The hair on the ass already to his knees!
- Everything is fine, come a month later.
Comes another man a month later, angry as hell.
- Bl @, so that you have given me so? The hair on the ass to have sex
and on his head no volosochka not grown!
- Oooh, beautiful, and now start upsweep on his bald head!
Instructions for buying a watermelon:
1. In order to buy a watermelon, it must provide, among other goods
on the counter. Watermelon - a round, green and striped.
Exception is the gooseberry. In order not to confuse these two
berries (a watermelon - berry), gooseberries - the one that smaller.
2. Ask weigh watermelon. Remember that it weighs more than one kilogram,
otherwise it is not water-melon, and gooseberry or colored balloon. If you
it seems that it weighs a little, and you are sure that it's still a watermelon, then
can not doubt the figure. Rather, it is even exaggerated, but
never be underestimated. In the extreme case ye eat gooseberries.
3. Tap stowed a watermelon. If you answer, do not take. The sound when knocking
must be hollow, as if it is empty. If the watermelon will be soft on
touch, let alone gooseberry.
4. Ask cut watermelon. You must see red if it. Here
There are two mandatory things. First, the incision should be no larger
otherwise you will not be able to roll a watermelon in front of his feet if the hand
busy. Secondly, trying watermelon, do not try to bite off as much as possible.
Watermelon has already weighed in, and it will give you nothing. You only need to make sure
that you have not chosen yet gooseberry.
5. Paying for a watermelon, remember: it costs six rubles per kilogram.
And no more than the ruble. If you are asked with more, then ask them to remove from
his gold blotches, precious stones and other stuff, because
a watermelon this price.
I hope that this manual will help you enjoy the taste of ripe
watermelons and reduce your intake of gooseberry.
In the collective farm "udder Ilych" Once upon a goat. And more surprising was the goat,
that gave so much milk as a cow. And so every day. Once
She came to the chairman and asked him to issue her a certificate that she de
cow. The President has carefully examined the documents (it is necessary, the implementation
plan, that sort of thing), and has been issued. Rosa came to the cowshed, was in the stall.
- And you, hunchbacked, are you doing here?
- Tuk I have a certificate that I have a cow!
- Let he who gave this certificate, you and myself @ bet, and I'm on my knees
become I will not!
PS. Please do not put this anecdote in a special issue and comments to
onomu - I have not had something in mind.
Bulletin of the election of the President of Belarus:
- FOR President Lukashenko AG
- Against all the other candidates
Odessa elderly neighbor shows a hearing aid self
invention: a simple wire with one end in the ear, the other - in the pocket
- You still have to fork out for a normal hearing aid.
This nonsense will not help you hear better!
- Not exactly. When people see it, they begin to talk louder.
One man woke up with a hangover and decided to find out the time passers.
- What time is it?
The first passer-by:
Guy second passer-by the same question.
A second passer-by:
Third passer same question.
Here man explodes, takes over shkiryatnik him and shouted:
- You Th, goats, in kind agreed INTO it??
Dishes which are prepared by my wife, just melt in your mouth!
But it wants to, she learned to defrost them first ...
Runs away from kicking ass. Pinky yelling: "Catch - otpinaem.
Ass runs away and sees - the tree x% d sitting. X% d says:
- Ass, are you going?
- I run away from punches.
- Climb on my tree, I'll hide!
- No, x% d, you dishonor me.
- I promise not.
Pinky by running, ask:
- X% d, there is not ass ran?
- No, I did not see.
- And to you who is sitting next to?
- (Putting on his head) And this is my hat:)
- Listen, John, there is someone shouts, requests assistance. Maybe go out and
find out what's wrong?
- Why? We learn everything from the morning newspapers.
Student (C) comes to the professor (P) exams to pass.
(C): Guess the three questions, if certainly declare it - put me 2
if not certainly declare it - put a 5?
(C): Is it possible to include dick bucket of water on the fifth floor?
(P): Of course not!
(C): Can I kill the oak by a dick?
(P): Of course, this is impossible!?
(C): Is it possible for one night to throw a hundred sticks?
(P): Of course, it is impossible
In short, he put it to five.
Comes the second student
(P): Tell me three questions. Is it possible to include a bucket of water dick
on the fifth floor?
(C): If the dick erect a bucket Children's - that easy!
(P): Can I kill the oak by a dick?
(C): If the dick oak, and oak lousy - it does not matter!
(P): Is it possible for one night to throw a hundred sticks?
(C): If the polar night, and the girl Garni - you can!