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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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Kindergarten, the end of quiet hours. Girl wakes up and sleepily
trying to put on pantyhose. This way and that suffers - it fails.
That leg is not there zasunet, the pantyhose in a knot twist.
- Well, nothing - says. Sits all evil, red and wet.
- As my mother says my father at night: "How long, tedious and inconclusive."
Joke #2581 —  
 
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- Girl, give me your photo
- And why should you??
- I collect Pokemon ...
Joke #2580 —  
 
0
 
Announcement: "The circus will hire 10 more aerial gymnasts.
Ychep
Joke #2579 —  
 
0
 
The new "black" South African government developed a program for the country of
Economic crisis: white will work, but negros sing songs about
How do white.
Joke #2578 —  
 
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In connection with the depressing statistics of accidents company Daimler-Benz announces
Purchase Automobile ZAZ and immediate recall of all cars
Zaporozhets.
Joke #2347 —  
 
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Died, then director of the Beeline (MTS, MSS, underline).
Fall naturally into hell. He offered to choose how to suffer will be.
And there on every door panels with pictures. At one sinner in the boiler
boil. On the other - on a pan fried. At the third - in the ass with pins
prod. He said - to me here. Well, gone, and there the devil with a huge
hammer and nail him when he begins to weave in the ass hammer ...
The one in the creek - you have, say, the other drawn. The devil he calmly and
explains - and this is a VAT and sales tax.
Joke #2346 —  
 
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Blonde Jodie pretty overspend and decided to get some money. Nothing
smarter than to steal a child and to demand from parents for money, it is not
invented.

In the park on the playground, she found rebyatenka, sgrebla him in his arms,
characterized for the nearest bush and told him: "I stole.

Then she wrote a note: "I have kidnapped your child. Tomorrow morning,
at 9 o'clock, put $ 10000 in tens and twenties in a paper bag
and bring the package to a spreading oak tree on the bank of the pond in the park. "
And signed it "Blonde Jodie.

This note is pinned to the shirt on his back to the boy and sent him
home so that he showed the message to parents.

The next morning, Jodi went to the oak tree and, of course, found in
deepening between the roots of the package, in which lay 10000 tanks and a note:
"Are not you ashamed?" How could a blonde so mean to do with
other?
Joke #2345 —  
 
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The two - a man and woman - on board the aircraft. "It seems to be all asleep --
go ... "
Sound of steps. "This is where free ... Nobody sees, come first ... "
"A little cramped ... Let me sit down. You took a condom?
Hurry pulling! "
Noisy wheezing. "Oh, the smell ... This is something! "
"Great ..." prolonged sigh.
The hiss of a loudspeaker and then a voice: "This is commander.
I appeal to the two passengers that were closed in the back room.
We know what you are doing there, and this is clearly prohibited by the rules
airlines. Let us throw away the cigarettes and remove the condom with
smoke detector! "
Joke #2344 —  
 
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Early morning in Paris. The bus horn man, with a terrible hangover,
a sufferer neopohmelivshiysya. The bus moves, he falls to his knees
to the passenger. Ta (very angrily):
- Monsieur, are not you ashamed! If I was in such a state as you,
I would have shot myself in the forehead is empty!
- Madame! If you were in this state, like me, you would have missed.
Joke #2343 —  
 
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Medical draft commission.
Ophthalmologist:
- Do you see these letters?
- No.
- Come closer. And now?
- No.
- Even closer walk up. Now you see?
- No.
- Came very close. Now you see?
- Now, like, I see.
- Thus, a distance of 50 cm Writing - "unfit to bayonet fighting."
Joke #2342 —  
 
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Announcement at the entrance:
"Dear residents, the district council asks you to pay until the end of the month
accounts for gas. In the case of non-payment of gas will be launched on the ventilation
pipes "
Joke #2341 —  
 
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Desert. 50-degree heat. The international competitions for
survival. Overcome 100 km, all in a lather to the finish creeping German:
- Pi-i-i-and-Play Time!
Behind him in the faint state creep in French:
- Pi-i-i-i-i-i-Play Time !!!!!!
Third, with a red face with a brick appears drunk Russian:
- Zakus-i-i-i-and-Play Time !!!!!!
Joke #2340 —  
 
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In a dark alley woman stops robber:
- Well, get undressed!
She takes off his expensive garments and gave the robber. He shouts:
- Take off your all to itself completely!
- But I'm shy!
- Nothing to be ashamed, I am a former medical doctor!
Joke #2339 —  
 
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Selling a folder with photos. Folder - mine. Photos - Mother's.
Joke #2338 —  
 
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My husband says to his wife:
- Can you imagine! Tinsmith, which we repaired the roof, hit by a car!
- Horror! Even on the roof can not feel safe!
HeavenTonight
Joke #2337 —  
 
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Actor provincial theater in the course of the play to jump from a cliff in
river, which is implicit in the back of the stage. At the last second, he
sees that there is no bottom of the mattress. Doing nothing, jumps on board.
You hear thunder and the voice actor:
- B. .. Th, river-it is already frozen!
HeavenTonight
Joke #2336 —  
 
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The dream of a vacation: I dream of the sea ... about beer ... about women ... or that the sea
beer ... Or that women in the sea ... Or that a woman in the sea ... or that women
a beer ... or order a beer in a woman ... or order a beer in the sea ... WHAT BEER
IN THE SEA! fuck it all on x% d
Joke #2335 —  
 
0
 
- Here the bet with myself that smoking cast ..
- So what?
- What's that .. the beer got ..
pain
Joke #2334 —  
 
0
 
The elderly lady decided to get acquainted with a man. Well, she came to "Service
dating. "There she was told about the conditions of making ads. So
turned out that the money she had only lasted for 4 words. Few thought
She said: - Contact: Antique looking for her aesthetic!
Joke #2333 —  
 
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- Why God gave the blonde one gyrus more than the chicken?
- To not go to court and not srala.
Joke #2332 —  
 
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In the hospital brought the blonde, whose index finger in the whole
blood. She explains - it's because she wanted to end life
suicide and shot himself.
- This is how, in the finger?
- Idiots! Of course, not a finger. At first I wanted to shoot in the chest.
- Well?
- But my breasts are so beautiful. Do not want to spoil. Decided mouth
shoot.
- And what?
- But I have those same teeth - pearls. Shoved the barrel in his ear.
- And then?
- And then wondered - will be shot noise. But better to die in silence.
And the other ear with his finger stuck.
Joke #2331 —  
 
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Psychiatrist wishes of his patient with the progress in treatment.
- And you call progress?? Six months ago I was Napoleon,
and now - no one ...
Joke #2330 —  
 
0
 
- Hello! This is IPB?
- Yes!
- You are on the market yesterday did not find my wallet?
Joke #2329 —  
 
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Girl - the guy:
- Favorite, we have with you until the lungs probelmy ...
- "No Light" - is how?
- Well, until 200 grams, but if no action is taken, it can be, and 3 with
half a kilo ...
Joke #2327 —  
 
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The man was in hell, the devil said to him: you only once avoided
taxes, so you will get a normal girl, well, gave him
medium-statistical girlfriend, he took her by the arm, is looking for
parties, sees his friend Vasya with thick, disgusting aunt.
Vasya he complains to life:
- Here, you had to pay taxes honestly, but I lied all the time, now
Look what I got here.
There is man on, watching another old druzhban, Gena with ofigenno
beautiful aunt, which are only in the movies, runs up to him,
asked how they say things. Gena says:
- Why, man, all the cool, the woman went to a super simple, just
during sex she taxes Swears.
Joke #2326 —  
 
0
 
The banquet and breaking the traditional bottle of champagne
noted commissioning a new vessel hospital orderlies Number 3.
Joke #2325 —  
 
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This is my hand, it is hand ...
This is my leg, it's her leg ...
This is my back, it is back ...
This crater of an artillery shell ...
Joke #2324 —  
 
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During dinner, the husband turns to his wife:
- Darling! Great mushrooms! From a recipe?
- From a detective ....
Joke #2323 —  
 
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There is an old man on the street, about 120. Approach it a young girl and
asks:
- Grandfather, Grandpa, and how you managed to live to a ripe old age?
You're probably in my life have never smoked?
- E.. Oe devonka. See that stack of hay - so I have about twice
smoked more.
- Then, perhaps, you did not drink vodka, a gram?
- And do you see that pond, so I drank about twice as much.
- So you're probably with the girls - no-no?
- Do you see a tree standing, and beside it a scythe?
- Well, see, and where do braid?
- So death came to me - so I ottrahal her so that she
Spit forgotten.
Joke #2322 —  
 
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Met two bro.
- I was in Germany, 10 thousand marks per week earned.
- Well, you, brother, pripuh. Yes you did in my life so do not write letters.
Joke #2321 —  
 
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Stydent-linguist came to take the exam in Latin. And debris. Comes
home grystny ... Mom calls:
- My son, do not grysti. I'll vkysnenkogo prepared. Eat out,
veal tongue ...
- Hy him in FIG, another dead language!
Joke #2320 —  
 
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- Girl, you can hold up to the house?
- Can. At the same time and get married!
Joke #2319 —  
 
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There Was an Old Couple. I decided the old man to catch fish. First time
threw his nets - nets come with a slime. The second time threw
seine - seine came from the sea grass. The third time threw his nets - came
seine with one fish - but not simple, and gold ... Here enters the room
old woman, but as zaoret:
- What do you want, old grumbler, from our aquarium?
Joke #2318 —  
 
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- Why is America so few drunks on the streets?
- And they both drink, so just sit behind the wheel!
Joke #2317 —  
 
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- Do you, doctor, the same ailment, like me, and you eat and drink without
restrictions. I forbid it all!
- Between us, my dear, big difference.
- What is it?
- You want to be treated, but for me it never occurred!
Joke #2316 —  
 
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Hadpis on the package with kpabovymi chopsticks:
"DURING the manufacture of ppodykta not postpadalo no kpaba."
Joke #2315 —  
 
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Sit and drink two khokhoVs gorilka.
One says:
- This is a very good vodka, it has passed through three stages of cleaning:
I missed a corner, through the sawdust and through me!
Joke #2314 —  
 
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- What paznitsa mezhdy women and Komarov?
- Komarov nuisance in the summer.
Joke #2313 —  
 
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- Stop! I'll shoot!
- I stand
- Shoot! A smoke is not there?
Joke #2312 —  
 
0
 
In life Hatashi Rostova was only one man, and the eccentricity could with her
do whatever he wants. His name was Leo Tolstoy.
Joke #2311 —  
 
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Winnie the Pooh goes on ochepednoy day Academician of the donkey Eeyore from ochepednym empty
gopshochkom and pposit Owl inscribed it.
- What, Pooh, as always: "Pozdpavlyayu happy Academician, I wish you happiness
privacy! Pooh?
- Het, Owl, this summer I changed the orientation, and therefore write this:
"Pozdpavlyayu happy Academician, I wish you happiness in your personal life! Your
Fluff.
Joke #2310 —  
 
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- Each model must accurately reflect the fact that she advertises.
Here's a look, what do you think about this girl?
- My God ...
- All right. It promotes the restoration of the Cathedral of Christ the Savior.
Joke #2309 —  
 
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- Will sorokogradusnoe white wine? - A bottle of vodka.
- And why wine?? (with big eyes)
- Because without snacks! :-(
Joke #2308 —  
 
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They come two in the street, both limping. One asks:
- What happened to you?
- Why, the war in Chechnya, two years ago, and you?
- Banana peel, two quarters ago ...
Joke #2307 —  
 
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- I, Lyudmila Kuzovatovo, mother of seven children. Explain to me please
what critical days?
Joke #2306 —  
 
0
 
- Dopogoy you bydesh me very happy. I recognized three-fold for ppoehala on kpasny
light, and no pazy me no oshtpafoval. Ha, I saved money
kypila currently recognized three new hats.
Joke #2305 —  
 
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Desert. Oasis. Near the reservoir herd of camels, and drink. Suddenly camels
pushes the boy, falls to the water, one sip - and the reservoir dry.
One camel asks:
- The boy, who are you?
- Oh, sushnyachok.
Joke #2304 —  
 
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Man sent to three letters, and the computer - the three keys ...
Joke #2303 —  
 
0
 
Issue of the Armenian radio:
- Who has the warmest hands?
- Of course, lawyers. They never frequent visitors from other people's pockets.
Joke #2302 —  
 
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The teacher asks:
- Children who know from a vegetable watery eyes?
Little Johnny pulls his hand.
- Come on, Little Johnny, answer.
- From potatoes!
- Well, just think, how is it from potatoes eyes water? Maybe you wanted
tell from the onions?
- MarIvanna, as you'll ever potatoes in the balls hit?
Joke #2301 —  
 
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