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- Where are you going to spend your vacation?
- In one of four of France, which is equal to our region.
- Every politician seeks to perpetuate itself. Vodka "Yeltsin"
"Zhirinovsky", "Gorbachev" ...
- And what about the Belarusian president?
- And he modest. Confine ourselves cologne "Sasha".
- Shop on the couch, a restaurant on the couch, work on the couch at home
sofa, a disco on the couch ... All life on the sofa! This too is
we have, bugs ...
You men and you women will never understand us --
- Key topics in KVNe - politics, show business, television ...
- And the Jews?
- I said - politics, show business, television ...
Husband returned home after a ten-year spell in gaol. Meets his wife:
wee hands, from behind three others loom.
- And that's who! - He asks menacingly.
- And this, Vanya, your greetings that you passed with buddies ...
- So, the essence of the case.
- He took me into bed and brutally abused.
- No, inaction ...
Wedding night. Young shy wife in the excitement lies in bed in
transparent peignoir and waits novoispechennoggo husband.
Comes in. young husband, her cast a critical eye, and frowning
- Do you have any fuck-you know how?
- Nnnet ...
- And Th lay down something here?
- What is the sexiest job?
- Pose Faberge.
One evening she came home, take as a dark
male silhouette. She added the move and wrapped him in a doorway - a figure for
it. It is the entrance - a figure behind it. It is in the elevator - the figure for it (and
also did not see). Well, she said, they say, I 5 floor - in response to a
nod. She shakes 5 floor and the lift moves off, but between floors
stuck. Five-minute silence! Well, she asked:
- Did you see me do not bother you?
- Well then I'll do blowjob!
- Well, OK!
Well, she did everything right and says:
- And you will not find cigarettes?
- Yes, please.
Then turn the bright light and the lift moves off ...
- MASHA ??????????
- POPE ???!!!!!!!!!
- Do you smoke ???????????????????
There are two cowboys - American and Ukrainian. U.S. gets
his dick and waving it above his head like a lasso, said:
- Hello, I'm Bill, Buffalo Bill!
Ukrainian gets two terms, and, waving them above his head, replies:
- I, too, Bill. Black Bill!
There is rail girl, wagging her hips. Behind the train rides
and begins to hum. Girl:
- On the sirens did not turn around!
Train louder boos. Girl:
- On the sirens did not turn around!
The third time the train passed, the girl moved away and disappeared.
- Big deal! And not such a lay!
One woman who had just lost her husband in the funeral home asked
that on headstone knocked inscription: "This irreplaceable loss
I can not bear ... "
After some time she marries, and on the headstone
floor after three points: "one"
Actually it was planned that the transfer of "O Lucky Man!" will lead
Nikolai Fomenko. But he said her name like:
- Oh-oh-oh ...! Right now bra!
Fairy tales - this is terrible stories, carefully preparing children
reading newspapers and watching television news.
A woman looks on TV steep porn. Here imperceptibly included in
room, her small son, looking at the screen and asks:
- Mom, what's that uncle aunt vanities?
- Well, you know ... that uncle doctor, he treats my aunt ...
- And then ... well, our father - a dentist. To him our neighbor all the time
comes to their teeth treated.
Appeared on the Internet site of a psychiatric hospital.
Address: www, baa-baa-baa, me-me-me fr-fr-fr!
Drugs Say "No!"
At least in order to bring down prices.
Give me a golf club, fresh air and beautiful woman as a partner --
and can leave a golf club and the fresh air itself.
Little Johnny says to his father:
- Dad, let the ruble, I want to go to the zoo to see the boa constrictor.
- Take a magnifying glass, go to the garden and look at the worm.
- Interesting position found in the Kama Sutra: man on top, the man below,
and in the middle ... And in the middle - the bed. This barracks!
Girls, if you are not satisfied with your figure, come to us!
We are quite satisfied with it!
A call to dvep. Opens a worn rumpled man with kpasnymi eyes,
pale, all in; black, on the face deppessnyak by a simple written.
Bezpazlichno smotpit to the caller - gay zhiznepadostnogo pumyanogo
zdopovyaka with ppotivogazom and two tanks behind him. Zdopovyak
- Do you kpysy there?
- Het ...
- And the bugs?
- Het bugs me ...
- Hu and even tapakany there?
- No. I do live alone ... : (
- Why baumantsy in the darkness love is not involved?
- Manuals are not visible!
- Hello, I am a mother Sidorov Vova, you calling me?
- Hello, dear Olga, sit down, grace
ask. Your son recently, as if it accurately expressed,
some lohanuty became inhibitory. Ha lessons for the market does not respond,
driving something that performs occasionally, and sometimes none at all about anything
you will forgive me for God's sake!
And then the golden govopit pyba stapiku:
- Grandpa, from your neighbor's only one crustal, and you have A third paz
that she died.
Announcement: Lechy interrupt his drinking bouts at domy.
The hostess had barely managed to throw himself on the robe, as a servant entered the room.
- Louis! Why do not you knock? And suddenly I'm naked!
- Do not worry, madam, - calmed her servant, - before you enter,
I always look in the keyhole.
Stirlitz sat on the bike, slammed door and left.
As soon as the bus entered the pretty blonde in a short skirt, all
men immediately turned to her his views. The girl wanted to sit down, but
this time the bus braked sharply, and the girl, losing balance and
trying to grasp the back seat, accidentally slapped his hand on the cheek
sitting beside a young man. Flushing with shame, she began
apologize, but a neighbor stopped her and smiled and said:
- Do not worry, girl. Because I thought, looking at you,
I deserve more solid slap.
Money is beginning to run out, you end up begin!
Ha kyhne sit myzh and wife ... Myzh vdpyg glancing at his watch and grab
- Oh, my eyes, my eyes ...
- What, dear? - Anxiously trying posmotpet, what with the eyes.
Myzh, ppiotkpyvaya one eye:
- It polpepvogo, and I have none glazy!
How to behave in polite society, not to pass for the full rotozeya,
or the rules of good manners.
- Instead of the usual "b * I always say only" oops "or" Yeow! ".
- If you have sweaty hands, before saying hello, politely and with
hospitality pat them on the shoulders of his friend.
- No need to blow your nose in a tie, imperceptibly better use for this
- If you are caught in the fact that you hand to fish out pots of soup
most meat pieces, politely say that he had just dropped there
- Always pulls for your lady's chair, even if it broke
- Always lavishly praise his hosts for their culinary excellence, even if the food
just arrived from a nearby pizzeria, or when you booked on
- If you really want to spoil the air, and leave the table there
no way, then podzovite to his master's little son, then at
you just do not think anybody. At worst, descend a dog or cat.
- If you have managed to break the master's crystal glass, urgently loud
sneeze and tip on the table with a bottle of expensive wine, the best two. In
the ensuing confusion to collect the precious drink your incident may
- If you are very noisy and interfere with its neighbors tromping above, then
the police and tell them that they have laid the bomb. Soon it all dies down.
- When, somewhere after the seventh toast, conversely, want to share
its a great joy to all neighbors - tap wrench on
battery. The entire staircase answer you happy clucking and someone
to tap in response. Fun in the house will only
- When the table is empty, and very much want to eat more - quietly
proshmygnite the kitchen, there is always something in reserve or in
oven or in the refrigerator.
- When you have been caught red-handed in the kitchen, tell yourself
volunteered to help the hostess with the serving of dessert.
- Saying good-bye, do not forget to heartily thank the hosts for their
cordiality and leave quietly in the hallway of their silverware, still
it does not fit the color of your tablecloth.
- Mom, do you remember that Chinese vase made of porcelain - the daughter asked, --
which is inherited from generation to generation?
- Of course, I remember. What?
- Nothing. Just my generation interrupted this tradition.
Wino sitting outdoors with his skinny puppy. Drinking and lack of
pocket a piece of sausage. Hungry dog snatches the sausage from his
hands. Alcoholic manages to grab her by the scruff of the neck:
- No, well, I guess I am! - He is outraged and takes away from your dog
sausage. With a sense of smelling the sausage and threw her dog:
- And this is you - he says, and leans back blissfully on the grass.
Moskvich before the traffic light cuts into navorochennyj jeep. There
comes out with a new Russian curses. Engineer driving Moskvich
- And I thought that you, the steep, red light did not brake.
Razgovapivayut two podpugi:
- What you stones on goposkopu?
- Kippich ...
- As Snow White will divide the apple between the dwarves?
- Will eat itself and all will.
There are two gay. One says to another:
- Well, let's go fuck?
- No, I can not wait for the guy with the army!
The father said his son:
- My son, if thou wanker, go blind!
- Dad, well I can do this deal at least until such time
when I need glasses?
"I wonder what he would say when he finds out?"
- "My dear, it seems, you will soon become the Pope!
- Who you nayabednichal? Nothing I have with my secretary was not!
Two friends talking:
- And my husband yesterday gave a golden ring!
- I have my new Russian also gave the ring.
- I suppose platinum diamond?!
- No, the Garden.
Vegetarians do not eat animals.
These bastards they eat.
Rzhevskij out on the porch, a dignified air, mounted his horse and galloped on
way so that clouds of dust. Galloping two miles, he stopped.
- Mother of God, and the horse-where?
Firmly cursing, Rzhevskij galloped back.
The first tourist Dennis Tito, astronaut returning from space, gives an interview.
- What Russian phrases you learned during the flight?
- "Thank you", "please" and "Where are you bastard hands thrusting '!
The instructor gives a lecture at school drivers:
- Wood, comrade students, it is a plant that twenty years
can stand in one place, and then suddenly turns right in front of
One woman, who did not manage to get pregnant, says her
friend, which has the same problem:
- Do you remember Lenka, who is also not pregnant? So, she says,
that spent a week in a monastery, and now she's pregnant!
- Really? Can not be!
- It's true. She said that she prayed all week, and prayer "Ave
Maria helped her!
- That's right, and we go to this monastery.
The next day they come knocking at the gate of the monastery, and they
opens a nun. Her friends tell her:
- Sister, your monastery has recently been our friend Elena, who
could not get pregnant, and she said that she helped Ave
- No, this is not "Ave Maria" and the Our Father, but he is on vacation.
In the convent break three thugs and say:
- Now we'll all take turns fuck!
One of the newly arrived nuns overshadows all others and
- Pick up a lavender me, but I beg you, do not touch anyone else!
- Sister Mary, do not be so selfish!
In Russia smokes every second man and every sixth woman, so that
If you smoke, you yourself get to who you are, the second man or sixth
If you have a house in the village - then you domikovderevnefil!