Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
A peasant call from the bank, whose client he is, and offer
buy a checkbook, claiming that her use
than an ATM, because firstly, it does not need to look for an ATM,
and secondly, you can write a check in any amount without limitation. Guy
agrees. A few days later the loan officer again calls him:
- Unfortunately, we have to warn you that your account
He is already far in the red.
- Please, do not worry. Tomorrow I'll come to the bank and'll send you a check.
- The victim was killed by a round, blunt ...
The prisoner, grimly:
- That I hit my head.
American wino after 30 years of drunken revelry stopped drinking. And he decided
go to the center of New York, as he lived on the outskirts of all these 30 years
anywhere on the local shop did not go. In the center, he noted that 30
years, all have changed dramatically: in place of old facilities built
new, appeared a lot of new signs, even people who have some
others ... he decided to go to one bar. Ordered himself a cup of coffee. Barman
leaves, then returns and says:
- Please, your coffee. Since you have five yuan ...
Inherited by not only genes, but also Cheburashka.
In one school, three students very badly behaved, and the director decided
call the school of their parents. Come into the office of the first parent - two
- What? Both men??
- Why, we met, fell in love, got married, adoptive parents
child and now all live together happily.
- Come on get out of here! - Screaming director. - This is not a family, and couple
perverts! Go away and take away her child!
Parents come second - two women. Director:
- How? Two women??
- Yes, we have many years of living together, and our baby, we conceived
- Again perverts! Come on out of here, and that I more than you are not
Here comes the father of the third, unshaven, under the eye of Fingal, the smell of smoke
mile away, and says:
- I saw these perverts, and I can tell you that I absolutely
man. If you do not believe me, look out the window. You see that woman out with
in a cast, whose entire face was bruised? So, this underdeveloped fool
- Well, thank God, - the director - is finally at least one normal
Good uncle, seeing the little boy decided to treat him orange.
The boy took the orange and silent. Guy:
- And what to say do you want?
- What, you did not know that it needs to be cleaned?
What policies are like dogs.
1) The politician, like the dog knows its master.
2) Politicians, like dogs, like to gather the flock and bring the leaders.
3) Always rush to strangers.
4) The politician, like the dog is inclined to vehemently defend his bone.
5) Politicians, like dogs, do not hesitate, adjusting their natural
6) The politician, like the dog likes to bark about, and without.
7) The less a politician, the more squeal.
8) thoroughbred policy uveshivayut chest medals.
What policies are different from dogs.
1) Politicians, unlike dogs, are not suitable to any work.
2) A dog can be trusted to protect wealth, politics --
3) No one in the head does not come to call the policies of other rights.
(C) Robinson of Odessa
If it were not for the last minute, nothing will ever be done.
They lie on an island in the Pacific Ocean, two charred homeless:
- And all Vaska-porter of the Flight Control!
- Aha! "World" abandoned, "World" nobody, you moron!
Sweetheart, I love you 10 kg back!
Dude decided to withdraw a prostitute. One of them offers his services:
- Come, but only on condition that thou shalt be a true whore.
- It will cost 200 bucks.
- There is.
They are raised in a hotel room, where dude she says:
- I want you to be very, very real whore.
- It will cost 500 bucks.
- And if you will you give me all the money that you have with you, I promise you
be the most up-whore of all whores.
- Excellent! - Yells satisfied dude and then gave her all the money.
- Now, get undressed, lie on the bed ...
Then she wear a him to the bed with handcuffs. Excited beyond
nowhere dude looks forward to the most important thing. Putana bends and
said in his ear:
- And now I'm going.
- Oh BLYADISCHA !!!!!!!
If the word BREAD allowed four errors - get the word BEER.
Parent Meeting. Director:
- I have to talk to you about the immoral behavior of your son to
change. He just does nothing but running for the girls!
- PoDOOMaesh, all normal boys his age are running around for girls!
- With a chainsaw ???!!!
- Bratan, "A voice in the theater" of three letters, the first B?
- Doctor, yesterday I ran through the streets almost naked, only in his socks.
I was so ashamed ...
- So-so ... But before this happened to you?
- Yes, often.
- And you, too, was ashamed of?
- No, never.
- Why are you in this time was ashamed?
- I have one sock was full of holes.
In protest against the persecution of the national drink two metropolitan
Student handcuffs chained themselves to a barrel of beer.
They talk to two friends.
- Are you for ensuring that men and women have equal rights, or against?
- I have two hands. You know, so sick wife to obey ...
A woman comes to the doctor and says:
- Doctor, my husband became very weak in bed, you can do so,
that he was the same bull as before?
- Of course, to undress.
- What ?????
- If you want it again became like a bull, you need to start with horns ...
An employee comes to the head and says:
- I have 25 years working here, and I have never raised the salary!
- This is why you and have been working here for 25 years.
There is an old anecdote.
One Jew sees bury a millionaire. Relatives throw in the coffin
thick bundles of dollars. Jew decided to find out why.
- The last will of the deceased - so that together they buried all of his
- Idiots! Write the check to him!
Obeyed, then the relatives of the Jew, wrote a check, put
him in the coffin, and the money was carried back to the bank. A week later, the bank
bankrupt. Relatives prayed:
- God, what are we to such punishment?
Then a voice rings out from above:
- It's your cousin decided to cash the check ...
Young woman in tears is a gun shop:
- My husband died in a car accident! - She exclaimed.
- But, Madam, - perplexed gunsmith - I do not see ...
- Yes, of course ... I come back to you gun that you bought
a few days ago - he does not need me now.
The new chip GIBBDistov: to ensure that radar showed the more they
running toward the suspicious car as quickly as possible.
New Russian complains to his friend:
- Prikin, bro, well, everywhere kidalovo! Bought for the office of Christie's auction
Ming vase tysch for 50 bucks, and she, a pancake, was the Chinese!
Little Johnny said that when he grows up wants to work Tampax.
The teacher asked whether he knew at least what it is?
- No, I do not know, but they say he works in a warm place!!
He married an intellectual. Wedding night. Wife is ready and waiting for her husband.
Intellectual wears glasses, looks at his wife and said.
- According to eyewitnesses, there somewhere there must be little hole.
Yesterday, riot police dispersed the demonstration masochists. This fun long
received neither they nor the other.
The program "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." A man answered the 14 questions
Galkin reads fifteenth question:
- Which of these Borisov does not belong to sexual minorities?
A. Boris Nikolayevich
B. Boris Efimych
C. Boris Abramovich
D. Boris Moiseyev
The man thinks, fidgets and says:
- A D. Boris Moiseev.
Galkin long it soars, then lets advertising. Then again there
on the screen, and says:
- RIGHT! But how did you guess?
Guy and says:
- By process of elimination. The first three SUCH homosexuals, that Moses
compared with just an innocent boy.
10 stages of the morning hangover for the programmer (note the monitor).
1. Contemplative. He looks at the monitor clean transparent eyes, nothing
not take, do not click anywhere, sometimes in amazement, says,
looking at the screen: "Wow, who would have thought!" Computer is turned off from
2. Active. With suspicion and squint looking at the keyboard,
swaying his whole body, then throws a sharp movement of the hand
click on the desired button. In the case of a successful hit yells "E-hu !!!",
an unsuccessful getting the monitor to demolish edrene Fenya, while
grumbles good-naturedly, "Well that's the third time today"
3. Gloomy. Downcast, sitting in front of laptop, trying not to make drastic
movements. Typing on the keyboard language of the head and two hands
holding the mouse, so as not to tip over the chair ... As it turned out
4. Car. Attempts to create a computer car keys,
prisobachit radio cassette player on the panel, and include janitors, because
that "no shit is not visible, but must go"
5. Entertainment. Playing in Quake, and because of all weapons
prefer their own hands and fights with a monitor, threaten computer
back tomorrow with friends, karate, and ULP * zdit it so that "mom"
does not recognize.
6. Terrorist. After another attempt to unstick my eyes in horror
shouting that the computer is mined, because in the lower right corner
clock ticking, and dives under the table.
7. State. When asked to "Enter your password" in a shouting
PC: "Oh bitch, you love me that I do not know?", the monitor shows
language, obscene gestures and a certificate of the Assistant Deputy
8. Optimistic. Happy, playful, drawn with a computer on an equal footing.
Read page Anekdot.ru, also recalls a couple of funny stories and
tells them to monitor. Then they drink beer together, the computer
9. Uniksovaya. ... Off the computer, two minutes to drink beer again
includes waiting for the screen saver, and in anguish says "Again Windu
hate Gates, turns off the computer, two minutes to drink beer again
10. Reassuring. Long time to spell the screen reads "Now the food
turn off your computer ", then, smiling gently, said
"Thank you" and falls asleep on the keyboard.
Surgeon and a nurse are made to love joys directly in the operating room,
thinking that they are there alone. Suddenly, the surgeon remarked on the wheelchair patient,
had brought to the operation. He quickly gets up, brush up
and trying to come up with explanations:
- You know ... This is not what you think, this is one of the patients who
need to operate on the hernia, she was very worried, and I
- Of course, doctor, I knew exactly what.
- That's great! By the way, what do you have?
- I've got a hernia. But that's one of your colleagues, you asshole, give me
calming in the form of droplets.
Tourist is located in the hotel.
- What is on the form?
- Bug ...
- What bugs live in many hotels, it is known.
Ho when they emerge to see what room you give ...
Do not climb - ybet.
Vlezesh - too ybet.
Why this sign?
Ilya of Murom drove up to the stone, read the inscription and wept. For
There was inscribed: "Here lie the serpent dragon. He was born to
fly had fervent heart, and, moreover, possessed the three languages. "
- Girl, sit down, drive you!
- Yes, once I, should go ...
As the damaged aircraft villages in China, with his first step was removed
equipment. If he sat down in Russia, he would have first removed the copper, then
aluminum and only after the equipment for extracting gold from electronics.
- Hello! It is psychiatry? Then a man suddenly became very good!
From the annual message of President Putin: The revolution has passed, it's time
go to civil war, purges and terror.
- Hello, International Monetary Fund?
- You promised to send money.
- Translations, money is "moneu.
- Do you here the boundary?
- And the dog is the border?
- And then!
- And where do you reach them dogs?
- It did not reach anywhere, just make the border, where dogs live ...
Fyodor Gribochkin third graders, returning from school, said the armed
people went to the mausoleum and found the corpse of an elderly person. Left on
scene task force highlighted the brutal cynicism
criminals, buried in a nearby wall is more than 50
their victims. Arranged on the spot ambush seized by four armed
bandits, made his way to the Mausoleum parade step.
Gypsy with two young children call to the apartment of a new Russian --
beautiful, powerful metal door with a bunch of all sorts of gadgets and
bolts. Opens the door to the master.
- A handsome, gold-plated pen!
Register new Russian:
- You Th, in kind? Its the same with the door withdraw!
Vstpechayutsya two cats. One - a skinny, other - fatty. Lean sppashivaet:
- Listen, where are you so otelsya? You got the master is the same drunk as
my all propyl, zhpat home nothing.
- Yes. Ho does your when he falls into a white gopyachku that on the table
- Green cheptiki ...
- In! And my - pozovye mouse! ..
The Tax Office received a letter:
... "Today I have the whole night I could not sleep - tormented conscience because of what I
incorrectly stated the amount of income tax returns.
Send you $ 600.
PS: if today does not sleep - I'll send the rest. "
Plant production of intercontinental missiles converted for production
crackers. The first cotton in kindergarten was shot down
American spy satellite crashed near the South Pole.
Change the position! Push the legs!
Arise! Pull! To the left! Really!
Higher! Below! Ok!
Do not hurry!
Well, once again ruined everything!
Oh God, I'm sick of your inability!
Also my man! You can not configure the antenna!
Sale ladies' watch, the price of one an hour - $ 50
On the desk computer. Two recruit laboratory. One rummages in
references, the second in the "Word" is gaining dictated. An hour passes.
- Can of beer?
- No market.
Out. During beer agreed to switch roles. Returned. That,
that sitting at the computer The, lay round oneself directories, the second sits down
- Where did we stop there? Read ...
- Read myself, I can not make out your scribbles.
- Light of my mirror, shut up! I went over my hair!
The Chinese military had infiltrated into the U.S. spy plane, were pleasantly
surprised to find that all the secret equipment located at its
board, was made in China.
- I - well known vizazhistka Sarah Monzann, makeup for actors
- And I - little-known member of riot Ivan Petrov, embellished person
a demonstration on Red Square ...
- And now we have to transfer "O Lucky Man!" Vladimir Putin. I
ask a question: "When Ukraine pays for gas?" There are 4 variants
answer: "A" - in the first quarter, "B" - in the second quarter, "B" - in the
the third quarter, and the "G" - in the fourth quarter.
- And you can call a friend?
- Please ...
- Hello, Leonid Kuchma, when you will pay for gas?
- Well, rozumiiete ...
- No, Leonid Kuchma, I need a correct answer.
- A yaki with varianti?
- I'll be brief: "A", "B", "B", "G".
- A "X" there Niemen?