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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

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Well-known pharmaceutical company Farmanal released a new product
"Mustard medicine. Even his one-time applications dramatically
raise the general tone of the organism. The product is available for internal
use in the form of candles, and outdoor as an active layer of diapers
and gaskets.
Joke #5286 —  
 
0
 
There are two others:
- What have you got new?
- The son was born. Svetlana named.
- And why the son Svetlana something??
- Yes, the hospital is not that cut the umbilical cord ...
Joke #5285 —  
 
0
 
- Which fish can hiss?
- The one on the pan.
Joke #5284 —  
 
0
 
Met an elephant with a grasshopper. Grasshopper says:
- Elephant, you are so healthy and so terrible, and I am so small
and so beautiful!
Elephant, taking a step forward:
- Was.
Joke #5283 —  
 
0
 
Petersburger arrived in Moscow. Walks along the Arbat. Suddenly suitable
ment and asked documents.
Petersburger (puzzled):
- And what, with Vladimir something happened?
Joke #5282 —  
 
0
 
If today's horoscope promises you new sexual sensations
not flatter yourself - perhaps you will cause to his head ...
Joke #5281 —  
 
0
 
A guy comes home drunk. Wife:
- Oh, you bastard! You see what time it is!
- Ten to twelve, and what of it?
- Here's a beast - ten, twelve! So balls poured that not even
see that already two o'clock in the morning!
- For two - this is ten to twelve!
Joke #5280 —  
 
-1
 
Malevich did not have time dorisovat chessboard.
Joke #5279 —  
 
0
 
Dying Jew. Dictates his will:
- Haim I bequeath 10 000, Ize 50 000, Abrasha 250 000 ...
Stops and looking up:
- Lord, where I take so much money?
Volunteer
Joke #5278 —  
 
0
 
Sends the unit commander, the political officer to know what the officers there in the tent
talk. He went, listened, and reported back: "Yes, all
about vodka but about women. "An hour later, again sends the commander of the commissar. He
comes and reports: "Yes, all about women, but about the vodka." Another hour
again, the commander sends a political officer there too. Commissar runs and
reported: "Yes, that's about technique, but they talk about the soldiers."
"Yes!" - Thinks the commander, - So, is get drunk, you bastards! "
Joke #5277 —  
 
0
 
- How to be in English "soup"?
- Oh, baby ...
Joke #5276 —  
 
0
 
- What animals do not eat on Sunday?
- Those who are shot on Saturday.
Joke #5275 —  
 
0
 
A guy comes in a shoe shop and asks:
- Say you have a crocodile boots?
- Of course there is. What is the size in your crocodile?
Joke #5274 —  
 
0
 
There are two old men, who have long not seen. One asks:
- Do you remember how we once competed on who'll get the stream of urine?
Maybe, remember the youth?
- Come on.
They went into the bushes and were there to compete. Suddenly, one says:
- M-yes, old age is not happy: I am currently in Nassau shoes.
- Well, then you win.
Joke #5273 —  
 
0
 
The dying peasant named priest. Priest comes, and the man he
says:
- Holy Father, I want to confess.
- I hear you, my son.
- I am only half of his life and did what I was drinking vodka and lying under
every fence rows arranged in the police chattering.
- Well, what did you do all the other half lives?
- Oh, play the fool.
Joke #5272 —  
 
0
 
Labor has made a monkey out of man. Work can go.
Joke #5271 —  
 
0
 
Teacher:
- Guys, who among you can name an antonym of the word "decent"?
Little Johnny:
- Judging by the fact that the antonym of the preposition "to" is "from", the antonym of
word "decent" would be "settling".
Joke #5270 —  
 
0
 
- Hey, you, x ... d, come here!
- Did you know that I - your new boss? ...
- Of course! I just wanted to ask that you called me
so.
Joke #5269 —  
 
0
 
- I can not have children ... I look at them - and I can not.
Joke #5027 —  
 
0
 
In the trolley: - Kohl, I am when I look at you - I want to sleep. - I'm not against it!
Joke #5026 —  
 
0
 
One boy lived on the 8th floor. But always arrives just before the 6-th. Because not reached for the button 8-th floor. And then my mother gave him "Rastishka" ... The boy grew up ... And now he reached for all the buttons, but moreover, He sets fire to them, break out, and then another, and in the elevator nass!

Sergey (www.s-image.narod.ru)
Joke #5025 —  
 
0
 
- What did the member of the Isaac Newton, when he saw a naked woman? - I spit on your law of gravity. Psisa
Joke #5024 —  
 
1
 
Q: What are 5 Quality must have the perfect woman? About: Proud, Versatile, Intelligent, Kind, inventive. In general, it should be good GR W. DI Psisa
Joke #5023 —  
 
0
 
To a beautiful lady in the shop fit guy and says: - Let me talk to you a couple of minutes, and then I lost my wife, somewhere in this store. - But why do you want to talk to me? - Surprised lady. - Yes, simply, every time, when I talk to some woman, which has the same beautiful, magnificent bust, how are you, my wife appears from somewhere, like from the ground. Psisa
Joke #5022 —  
 
0
 
Ad in the newspaper in the personals column: Man handsome, rich, without problems with housing, no bad habits, no piles of obsessions relatives and children from previous marriages just want to see.
Joke #5021 —  
 
0
 
- Man, but what are you carrying a red flag? - Duc, revolution! - Ah And I thought - menstruation ...
Joke #5020 —  
 
0
 
There are two school friend. So-oo, memories, then that someone who has. - A Vitka remember? - Vitka? Togo, who kept dogs and cats tortured? That after School became an executioner? - Yes. So he had trouble - the death penalty abolished. - And how is he now? - Add to dentists. (C) Robie
Joke #5019 —  
 
0
 
10 signs that you are educated, intelligent person. 1. You do not know how far to blow his nose. 2. You with your eyes closed distinguish a Beethoven from Dobrynin. 3. In the closet you did not find his father Budyonovka, but Papa and Mama's scarf veil ... 4. In the toilet you have is not "Penthouse" or sports newspaper, and the album Russian Impressionists. 5. You know one anecdote, but you embarrassed to tell. 6. You never picking his nose and did not burp, even if you reported this asked. 7. During the salute you shout "Hurray!", And not what they shout all around. 8. Correcting a hat, you do not check two fingers distance from eyebrow to the brim of his hat. 9. You never enter into an intimate relationship forward ladies. 10. Even in a crowded tram you feel lonely ...
Joke #5018 —  
 
0
 
The old man came to the reception to the optometrist. - You should stop masturbating, - said the doctor. - Oh, my God, that I really can go blind from this? - No. But you have trouble all the other patients awaiting admission. Psisa
Joke #5017 —  
 
0
 
Residents of Texas are very fond of boasting that they were all very much. One day, not to stay in debt, a resident of New York showed Texans Empire State Building, what Texan said: - Ka nevidal, yes we have in Texas, more toilets. What was the answer: - Yeah, I think you and others will not do. Psisa
Joke #5016 —  
 
0
 
How do you think, why a propeller plane? To cool the pilot. Do not believe me? Try to stop - instant sweat. Psisa
Joke #5015 —  
 
0
 
My girlfriend's breasts bigger than another one. Recently, she participated competition for the best breasts and took first and third place. Psisa
Joke #5014 —  
 
0
 
We hacker asked: - What do you love more than women and laptop? - Girls and calculators.
Joke #5013 —  
 
0
 
We met two friends. - What are you doing with its "sleep"? - Yes, everything has already tried! And you? - And we like a dog. I whimpered, as she lies on her side and silent - dead pretends.
Joke #5012 —  
 
0
 
- Doktor, skazhite, a will I live? - Behold, bestow upon nothing but not budem zagadyvat, a?
Joke #5011 —  
 
0
 
- Ah! To sit would be nowhere slowly, with a fishing rod! - Well, sit down - sit down, but the rod in the chamber is not allowed!
Joke #5010 —  
 
0
 
Veterinary Exam. Professor: - Here are just frankly tell me. You love animals? - Well ... is an intimate, purely personal question!
Joke #5009 —  
 
0
 
What age has fallen, it was gone.
Joke #5007 —  
 
0
 
Ad in Metro: "Dear passengers! A week ago we started testing a new high-speed trains. Request to all who were able to finally see, immediately inform the administration, where it happened! "
Joke #5006 —  
 
0
 
Recently, at the railway crossing number 37 fire inspectors discovered Basil M. tank with alcohol, which is close to spontaneous combustion. Only in the evening by in seven surrounding villages has decreased the risk of spontaneous combustion exactly half.
Joke #5005 —  
 
0
 
How many wife's mother did not feed, well, what it all looks and looks?
Joke #5004 —  
 
0
 
After Pinocchio met with Malvina, he never tired of Pope Carlo thank for the fact that he had no case could not do without hitch.
Joke #5003 —  
 
0
 
There are people with whom you can walk in counterintelligence.
Joke #5002 —  
 
0
 
Sleeper, approaching the border of the state, sees the roadside gas station and large sign: "Use the last chance to buy gasoline at $ 1,5 per liter! "He pours a full tank, crosses the border and the first thing see - gas station and a poster with the inscription: "$ 1 per liter.

suckme `s saloon
Joke #5001 —  
 
0
 
When men do not have enough light, they are bald.
Joke #5000 —  
 
0
 
From alcoholic monologue ensued: - Liver sorry! Idle works!
Joke #4999 —  
 
0
 
You spend too much time in chat rooms, if:

1. Do you have a sweetheart, but you have seen it in the best case only photos or web-camera. 2. You see a beautiful girl on the street and you want to do with it cyber-sex. 3. In a conversation in a friendly company, heard or said something funny, you want to add to this "lol". 4. Trying to remove the girl in real life, you ask her how she looks like or whether she had a picture, you can send it to you. 5. Out of every ten girls, with whom you sleep, you have met nine Internet. 6. Friends in real life with a girl, you just ask her about twenty questions, not always waiting for an answer, tell her a whole heap compliments, fearing she might not talked to anyone else. 7. Girl # 6 after all what you have said looking at you with fear and thinks you're a maniac or a spy, or a combination thereof. 8. You like to ask unfamiliar girls and women are very personal questions. For example, you shaved? "," Do you swallow? " or "Do you like anal sex? " 9. Postrigshis and shaved, you're in a hurry to check how well it look at the web-camera. 10. You get your photos from the film development and hasten the best of them scan. 11. You want to vent or complain to the soul of unfamiliar vest people. 12. Your friends began to notice that you were very frank, vulgar perverts. 13. For you can not get through on the home phone. 14. Photographing girls on the street or in a cafe you feel strange and useless (and suddenly they have a husband or a friend and you are denied, and you will great pity that we can not say the usual "then go to the dick, damn"). 15. You wonder if in real life girls on the question "do you want fuck? "you give in the face.

If you know their behavior is at least 10 out of 15 above factors, the time for you to be coded on the Internet. Lansky
Joke #4998 —  
 
0
 
Soldier on duty at the Jew. In his room on the shelf lay large piece of bacon, which he took. Comes master not find fat and asked the soldier: - Where is it? - Cat ate. Jew takes the cat on the scales. Cat turns weighing approximately equal to the number of the missing fat. - Well, the fat is and where the cat? Sergey (www.s-image.narod.ru)
Joke #4997 —  
 
0
 
Finally Spartak earned their first points in the Champions League! Yesterday, UEFA President Johansson L. gave Vladimir Beschastnykh glasses!
Joke #4996 —  
 
0
 
Walking on the street, two girls. Suddenly a guy runs up to him and said: - Girls, hello! Let's get acquainted with you! - We are such freaks do not get to know! - So, clearly, clearly ... And tell me girl, you may want cheese? - No, I do not want to! - Perhaps, after all you want? - It says you do not want to! - And not even a piece not try? - Told you, no! - Well, strange, strange ... These rats - but do not want cheese!
Joke #4995 —  
 
0
 
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