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Every beautiful woman suffers from at least two diseases - mania
grandeur and delusions of persecution.
Why automatic traffic cops?
To protect its daily receipts from other robbers.
Country life: love one woman, living with the second, sleeping with a third,
child from the fourth, fifth loves you, and the fifth - your mother ...
On the screens there was a new family horror film "Hello, I'm your mother-in-law!"
- Why did cops do not like popsicle on a stick?
- This is because sho stick goes bad :))))
Sexuality as "BLENDAMED" - a year no new holes!
In the jungle broken plane! Saved three: American, French and
Israelis. As soon as they recovered from the disaster - there are cannibals
grab them, dragged into the village and begin to prepare for the holiday
dinner. But before you throw in a boiler accident, the leader says:
- According to our tradition, all of you are supposed to last wish! What you
- I'd like a steak as thick as two inches and a mug of beer!
Cannibals bring order, American eats, and then throw it into the cauldron.
- I, be so kind, butolochku Don Perignon and shoots of asparagus
with parmesan cheese!
Cannibals serve, the Frenchman eats, drinks, goes to the boiler.
- And me, if you can, knock hard on the ass!
Cannibals in bewilderment. Leader just in case, like an Israeli,
it was his last wish, but he insists. Then Israelis
turning their backs to the chief, who were scattered, and with full force kicks
him on the ass. Israelite was going up for a couple of meters, falls, and then
draws from some machine and calmly, without hurrying, short
Queues shoots the leader and the rest of the cannibals. Saved Frenchman
Americans gladly get out of the boiler, shaking off his vegetables and spices,
then turns to an Israeli American:
- Hey, man, thanks, of course, and all that, but you are not able to immediately
without waiting till you are kicked, to cut these scum?
- Could! But now you have no reason to say that Israel again
proved unfounded nothing wanton cruelty!
- What is the difference between a fairy and a witch?
- A year of living together.
Coca-Cola - a victory for you on the shoulder
Russian vodka - the sea you knee
Afghan plan - all of you to x% S
Tips: If you want to count the number of needles at the hedgehog, and
he had no time - carefully sit on it, and then, slowly, the mirror
count the number of injections.
- Mom, my school say that I am defective.
- Do not listen to them, my son, come on, close your eye icon and go to sleep.
- I have not seen so long ago, Mrs. Novakova, what happened?
- I slipped on a banana skin, fallen and lay for three weeks!
- Do not be! And you no one helped her up?
Abram and Sarah returned to the market. Hot, a pile of purchases. We decided to take
taxi. Approaching the house. Sarah comes out with the packages from the car, Abram
- With you 46 rubles.
Abram stretches half a ruble.
- Thank you.
Abram sits, waiting.
Taxi sees that Abraham does not get out, leads to:
- Sorry, I do not have 4 rubles date!
- Yes? Well ... That's okay, okay ... Sarah, climbed back!
Sarah squeezed himself back into the car with lots of packages.
Abram - the taxi driver:
- ... That's okay, okay ... Let then two laps
around the house ...
Perhaps the future of advertising?
Egor, 19 years old, drinking, smoking, using drugs. Do not go to the Internet.
- Well, have a smoke?
- I do not smoke.
- Maybe a hundred grams?
- And do not drink.
- Then spalling?
- No, I do yoga.
- I understand ... Hence, its foolishness in your head missing ...
(c) Alexander Anikin --
Doctor - patient:
- I have to have two news: good and bad.
- Let's bad.
- You will have to amputate the leg.
- A good one?
- This will be only three weeks.
Posh restaurant. Sign on the door: "The house lifted before the end
month. The windows razudalye hear the sounds of revelry with a cool songs
dancing, shouting and mordoboem. Surprised by a passerby asked the
- This is what it is happening?
- Immortal Kashchei with Dyad'kov Chernomorov and 33rd of his' brother went on a spree!
- On what occasion?
- Kashchei received arrears of wages for 2805 years and 3 months!
I woke up on Monday to Tuesday to go to work, but on Wednesday
I learned that on Thursday it will rain, and then on Friday I thought: why
go to work on Saturday, if Sunday off?
During the safari dog was left behind from the group and lost. After a
time she saw a lion. Since the lion looked very hungry dog
frightened. Nearby, she saw a big pile of bones, lay beside them
and when the lion approached him and said loudly:
- However, it was delicious lion, I would have to find another one, I still
Leo heard this and decided that the dog is better not to get involved.
However, this all could see the monkey, which immediately decided to take
situation to earn the friendship of a lion. She overtook him and told him
everything that made the dog. Leo decided to punish the dog to eat, and said
monkey that she sat on his shoulders and walked with him, watch
dog will be punished.
When the dog saw this odd couple, she realized that things are bad and
pensive. When a lion and a monkey approached, the dog said:
- Where is that monkey, I sent 30 minutes ago, that it
I found another lion ...
- Can a person die from a computer virus?
- It depends on whose computer it will infect them.
One flea, looking at the sky, says another:
- Interesting, but is there life on another dog?
The man has already spent a month in a business trip. Suddenly, his boss calls and asks
comply with it even some work, for which they need to stay
another three weeks. After this conversation, guy goes to a brothel, gives
madam $ 200 and says:
- I want the thickest, most horrible woman, what you have.
- How? But for that kind of money we will pick you a girl with appearance
- No, you do not understand the fact that I missed my wife.
- Can you imagine, my mother-in-law died!
- No! And she had?
- Oh, erudna one: a table, sideboard ...
Sometimes it is not clear what purpose haunted man, succeeded in
life: to bring joy to his wife or mother-to annoy.
Citizens who do not believe the quacks, who sold the trains in 20 - and
30-liter bags of garbage. He did not go entirely intermeddle! Even without the boots!
New Russian caught a golden fish, melted and made myself a bracelet.
- Man is he's only on the outside so mean, mercenary, and Glance
his heart - there all a lot thinner, cleaner, everything in it 50 to 50, half
sensuous, metaphysical, transcendental, and the second half .......
Sorry, bell answer ............................
- So, what am I doing?
- Um ... about the soul, about 50 to 50 ....
- No, no, my dear. 50 to 50 - you mug crack. Mine will not
less than 75 percent.
Comes one addict to another and asks:
- Why do not people fly?
Another addict said:
- Because no wind!
- Why programmers are bad lovers?
- Because they seek to maximize and accelerate the task
When they succeed, they are confident that the quality was better.
- How to cook an omelet in Jewish?
- First, hold a neighbor's three eggs ...
Top chefs - men, and the best cook - Women ...
Foreman Road driver rink:
- What are you, Vasya! Yesterday, 100 meters of asphalt rolled, but today only
- Well, yesterday rolled by the wind, and today - against!
Every yogi must make in the lives of three things: the tree swallow, give birth
son and put the elephant in the lotus position.
98-year-old man tells his grandson on the phone joyful voice:
- Can you imagine - I broke a mirror today!
- What are you so happy? You have a now 7 years nothing good luck will not!
- So it's great - even entire 7 years!
REAL-Spartak 14:0. But fans SPARTAKA not despair, because attending
only the third minute of the match.
- Can you imagine, I recently just do not give sleep: at night
such noise is that just terrible - my neighbor, you see,
practice should be!
- Is he a musician?
- No, a surgeon.
Mikhail Kasyanov at a meeting of the RF Government:
- In accordance with an indication of the President of the Government to begin
work-dull ... begin work-dull ... work-dull ...
Runs assistant to the chair and whispers something in his ear. Kasyanov nods:
- ... begin work on ...
Priority rescue of passengers in a shipwreck:
1. Unmarried girls.
2. Young married women.
3. Young divorcees and young widows.
4. Widows who have received the inheritance (regardless of age).
5. Children (yet!).
6. Citizens like you and me.
7. The military, clergy, businessmen.
8. The gangsters, policemen, customs officers, tax inspectors.
9. Bankers, tycoons.
12. Finally husbands of women referred to in Clause 2.
In the plane the stewardess asks:
- Is there a doctor on the plane?
One gets up and goes to the cockpit. Another passenger fright
- What happened? Pilots bad?
- Do not worry, everything is fine - it calms the stewardess - just
pilots decided to relax a little, but they lack the third.
The full aute passenger pushes himself:
- Then why is it doctor?
- You see, after vypivona pilots like shirnutsya, but the doctor always
syringe with a ...
- Petka, went fishing, - calls Chapaev.
- Vasilivanych what fishing? Vodka not.
- What else?
- Well, - said Chapaev and fits comfortably in a chair. - Then
Let's go fishing here.
- Comrade soldiers, I congratulate you on a holiday!
Soldiers (discordant chorus):
- Bad yell. We will train. Come on - triple "Hurray!".
Soldiers (discordant chorus):
- The triple "Hurray!"!
Little girl hiccups. From hiccups have several recipes. Recipe
first. Breathe deeply ten to fifteen times. Recipe second. Create your
left hand behind your back, bend forward and in a position to drink
glass of water. Recipe for a third. Frighten ikayuschego. Mom chooses last
as a simpler, more steals and screams behind my daughter. Girl
hiccuping stopped. She began to stammer.
Star Wars, Episode II: A gang of clowns.
Cucumber - Vibrators:
- What are you trembling? Because I will eat, not you!
Batteries "Viagra" - hours will stand forever.
... Oh, my sweet, my dear! So I undid you fly ...
I took out your mighty member ... Massaged it with her soft velvet
hands ... Oops!
- Hide quickly! My husband is!
- Pinocchio, how old are you?
- I do not know! When a child my father Carlo dropped, then the shock
brain all the rings in my head messed up.
- Hey Steve, how are things. Writes Jack Botldrinker from Paris (in Texas).
Steve, I have a problem. My boyfriend said that he did not like
do all these things the old way, and offered me a shove there ferret.
I doubt it worth it? For some reason I think that it is not
very good idea.
Hi, Jack! Your boyfriend is right, and you - and retrograde
conservative. No need to fear the new, because if it was not, Thomas
Jefferson would not have discovered England, and Sir Oxford not founded to Harvard
University. Feel Suy ferret which says your boyfriend, and forward
toward the future!
- Hello, Mr. Shrink. My name is Susie. I really enjoy cooking
pasta, standing in front of the TV. But recently I began to pay
note that, when on the TV supports Mr. Bush, I
obtained insipid pasta. On my left a husband and a maid. What I
Hi, Susie! Hmm, and it is true, it seems that you have a difficult situation.
Of course, let's face - and your husband with the maid to understand
also possible. Not everyone liking insipid pasta. I would advise
you switch the program when it begins to speak, Mr. Bush, but you
also understand that in times such as now, it would be unpatriotic.
So try to cook pies with rhubarb, Susie. And remember - United We
- Hey, nigger, like your nothing. My name is Cool Skryu Yes, and I'm from
little thin in the apple. I am writing to you because my pants rub
one place, and I am because of it dropping on the right foot, and sometimes simply
fall on the ass. Tell me what to do? All the lads laugh at me, I
can not even really dance easy passage in the hip-hop.
Hi, Yes Kul Skryu. I consulted with leading dermatologists, and they
told me that you probably are using the wrong soap. Remember that
A good soap acidity of pH 5.5. If you're going to use such
soap irritation will pass and you can dance hip-hop. By the way,
send one's best Johnny Big Fat Ass. We are with him finishing Yale.
- Hello. I am a top manager of the company Rizerch Liquid Systems, Ltd., Inc.,
Ko. My name is Jack Daniels. In his previous column, you indicated that
third quarter of 2001 we sold the goods in the amount of fifteen
millions of dollars. But this is not true. We sold the goods to fifteen
million one hundred and fifteen thousand dollars. You are scared of our
and our company is no longer subscribes to your newspaper.
Hi, Jack Daniels. You're a goat, and the firm's your fuflovaya. Understand,
hrenogolovy? I do not care what you've sold. Good Luck!
- E, in general, like, my name is Marge, and I like to learn, like, in the tenth
class, and I'm well ... is, in general, wanted to know what the baby boom.
told a friend, but I do not believe him. He said that it is not very painful,
I thought this type of something from history.
Hi, Marge! Baby boom - an interesting phenomenon, which is
that, when a child is born, parents give birth to loud music,
which makes this: Boom, Boom, Boom. This can be observed in different cities
America, especially in small, for example, in Moscow, St. Petersburg,
London, Paris or Bulls Jajce.
News in Lviv Television:
- And finally good news: in Moscow tomorrow minus 2, wet snow ...
Communication by e-mail on Sunday morning:
"Kkkkoolllyayayannn,. ,, Bbbuuuudd dddrruugggoommmm,. , Sshhhhoddiii ssa
ppiiiivvooommm! 1!! "