Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
(found at the forum NTV)
According to reports from unreliable sources, the next candidate
for dismissal from NTV is Hryun Morzhov with the wording
"for constant swinish behavior in air NTV.
Leaving Russia penultimate Jew and says the last Jew
- When you leave, switch off their lights.
Reporter conducts interviews with the former madam of Soviet-closed
brothel 50-ies. She says:
- I remember, we often drop in to the director of the candy factory "Krasny
October, bringing sweets all the time. Another regular customer was
Director univegmaga Children's World. That every time necessarily
any toy brought. And yet, as I now remember, there
even the Joseph Kobzon.
- What are you? There can be such. After 50-s Kobzon was still
- Yes, exactly. He had been eating sweets, playing with toys, and then, when
his mother's work day ended, she would take him home.
Psychiatrist sits in an empty office and says:
- So, tell me, how long you have any of these visions?
GAI inhibits guy with a baby carriage:
- So, where first-aid kit, fire extinguisher, warning triangle, why
brake weak? Penalty 100 rubles!
- Excuse me! The same stroller!
- I see! Would an adult, took more b!
- Little Johnny, why are you late today?
- My grandfather died.
- Oh, what a pity! But why did he die?
- From the blow.
- He had a bad heart?
- No. Grandmother was a heavy frying pan!
- What are you, weather forecasters? They promised that today will be rain! And where are they?
- Well, they were! Party!
St. Petersburg. City dump. Late evening.
Phalanxes of riot police with rubber truncheons drives in Lasik local homeless people.
One pulled out, kicking, crying, shouting:
- No-oo, su-u-sting, but not in Moscow, at ...
Announcement: Make # hu nude from the material of the customer.
From a series of "stupid questions".
Why a television program about a disease called "Health"?
B Tambove skonchalsya volk, who was tovarischem bolee whereof 500 tysyacham
Steamed Turnip - chump New Russian after the sauna.
- Well, again wrote that I want to take away and divide everything! Take away - yes,
but the share-why? My motto - "take away and do not share!
When Vladimir Putin was a kid, he wanted to double the GDP.
- My people did not live very rich, thought Volodya, let him at least GDP
it will be enough ...
Goes the artist in a taxi. Races by ambulance.
The artist asks:
- Do you know why the ambulances are always white?
The taxi driver was silent.
- Yes because white - color of purity.
They are going on. Drove by firefighters.
- Do you know why the car fire always red?
The taxi driver was silent.
- Yes because the red - the color of fire.
They are going on. Drove the car traffic police.
The artist asks:
- Do you know why the police car - with a blue stripe?
The taxi driver does not hold:
- I know! Because they pidarasy!
The announcer solemnly announces:
- Dear viewers! Getting variety show! Before you will perform
eminent singers, famous violinists, wonderful dancers, the best
Voice from the audience:
- Is it possible today without the Jews?
- Can. The concert is over!
Excited man rushes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:
- Do you have anything from diarrhea?
However, the pharmacist something pereklinilo in the brain, and he mistakenly gave
peasant elenium instead Imodium, but when it came to him, what a mistake he
committed, a man were gone.
A few days back guy walks into the pharmacy, the pharmacist and his
- I beg your pardon, I was very uncomfortable, but the last time I gave you the wrong
drug. Tell me, you feel good?
- Yes, everything is normal. Then I really crap, but I was
absolutely on the drum.
There are two friends. One says to another:
- Imagine, I did not have just one correct word to
become a millionaire!
- Are you on the "Field of Miracles" was?
- No, I went to the Savings Bank and asked the cashier, not whether it will give me
million euros. And she said no. But if she said yes, I was
would be a millionaire!
The way children respond stars in their books about their parents,
can understand why some species of animals devour their young.
Teacher, explaining the lesson that such wealth and that such
Poverty, argues that, if we talk only about the material
wealth, a person can not have everything they need for happiness.
To which one of the students said:
- But my dad has it all: vidak, DVD player and computer.
- And he has a yacht?
- Yachts no.
- So, it has not all.
Here arises another student and says:
- And my dad is and vidak, and player DVD, and computer, and a yacht.
- A private plane he has?
- So, and it has not all.
Here arises Vovochka:
- But my dad just has it all: yesterday, when my sister has
Kazbek home of his friend, Pope said: "Only we did not have his
full of happiness! "
You want to pull over to the body? Experience the hot breath of a person? Sweat from
exhaustion? Change the position? To enter, leave, move back and forth?
You did really want? Then what's the matter? Sit in
bus in rush hour!
- Dear, our intimate life is too monotonous, do not you think?
- Well, we're not for 20 years.
- So what, you can always try something new, unusual ... I've
seen in the movie: a woman is coated with something sweet, but man it
very romantic licks - can try?
- As you wish.
- Well, dear, what feelings?
- Amazing! Bring more of that jam!
The tax inspector had married a woman who has visited 6 times
married. In the wedding night, she suddenly says to him:
- Favorite, be careful, please, I'm a virgin.
In addition eye on his forehead emerge:
- How?? You've been married 6 times?
- You see what it was ...
My first husband was a psychiatrist - he only talked about sex, and the second was
gynecologist - he had just examined all and the third was a philatelist - he
just loved to lick; chetvetry was a sales manager - he said,
he knows what kind of product, but does not know how to use it and the fifth was
civil servants - he said that he knows how everything should be done, but not sure
it is in its competence; sixth was electronics specialist - he said that
If everything works properly, you do not need to once again intervene.
Here then I married you, the tax inspector to be
confident, that you of something I just vyebesh!
Most young vpach ppinimaet FIRST pody ...
When all zavepshilos, he sppashivaet ppofessopa view of a result of our
- First, even very bad ... However, in the future, please note that on
ass should clap pebenka, but not his mother!
I minetchitsy ask:
- How are things?
- Why, that's hard time! Every tacky head climbs!
He called himself mistep H.
The remaining two letters of his name he did not remember ...
There is a peasant on the market. Views - old woman standing at the counter and the price tag
"Apples - $ 10000 per 1 kg." He asked his grandmother:
- Grandma, why apples are so expensive you have?
- So it's eye, my son ...
Ppopala dog. Collar 300 bucks worth. Syka!
When Vladimir Putin was a kid, he wanted to defeat poverty.
- When I'm big, I thought Volodya, I will take away from Yukos, Khodorkovsky,
and never, never, never be poor!
July 10 was lost bag, which lay the gold ring
diamond (4000 carats), book, packet of milk, beautician, pen
and pass on the name of Zenaida Mikhailova. Finder please return at least
My son loves to play with the kids in the backyard football and each time comes
home in dirty pants. How expensive imported detergents I
has tried - nothing helps!
But then I came ... belt, and I thoroughly flogged his son.
Since his pants are always clean!
Domestic low-cost soldier's belt - the best means of maintaining
Think fig life and crap life - the same thing?
Compare compote of figs, and stewed radish!
One man comes into the store:
- Tell me, you have fresh fish?
- I do not know, I'm here just three months as I work ...
Paul McCartney arrives in Russia. At a press conference a journalist
asks him: "Why do you have so many songs with a kind of joint
McCartney replies: "I deeply respect the Russia. I
has developed a personal friendship with Mr. Putin. Russian public - one of the most
hot in the world. You asked me an intelligent, deep question. But your pink
Bought the pharmacy calcium gluconate, mixed with calcium - no figs, did not have
Calcium no glitches.
Chairman of the Central Bank: "There is no black list of banks.
No and no. I remember them all by heart! "
Goes the new Russian jeep. Sees: a pillar sits homeless. Resting. Suddenly
snapped his fingers and before him a glass of vodka appeared. Drank and more
sitting. New Russian interest. Stopped, watching. Across
some time the same thing happened: clicking fingers and again formed
stoparik. And so a few times.
New Russian could not stand it ran to the homeless.
- Hey, how you like this?
- And I have a genie. It is my desire and performs.
- Nastoyaschi genie?? Listen, sell it to me.
- Oh. He needed me most.
- Yes, sell. Here's a jeep, keys to my house. Here's nalika more
pockets full. Agree?
Homeless man looked up, pulled from his bosom the lamp, gave the new Russian and left
New Russian rubbed the lamp. There whistling flew genie:
- I hear and obey!
- Okay, my first lot of money, second home, in the third
controlling stake in Sibneft, Gazprom ...
- Do not rush you so, - said the genie. - I have a narrow specialization:
fifty, one hundred and stopyatdesyat.
Stalin was a great lover of cinema.
I personally watched every new film before the film to put in a rental.
Once he showed a new picture about how on one of sovetskih
constructions was operating a spy-saboteur ...
Stalin looked at film and says: "In terms of ideology, the film does not
tenable ... therefore it is necessary to shoot the film director, scriptwriter,
all the actors involved in the shooting, the whole crowd and the whole kinopersonal ... "
The chief director of a pale as a sheet face: "Comrade Stalin, may
be changes in the script?? For example, a spy is permeated by the spirit
sovetskih workers, reeducated and becomes the foremost?? "
Stalin thought was long tube and said: "... well, or so ..."
At the Moscow Film Festival grand prize won domestic film
"The rich also cry." Directed remarkable remake of Vladimir Putin,
Executive starring Mikhail B. Khodorkovsky.
- I heard you worked at a construction site?
- And what do you Dalal?
- Lugging bricks, mortar dragged, expanded clay dragged ...
- A sand hauled?
- No, it hurts badly to buy it.
- Why did you kill your neighbor?
- It was not a neighbor, it was something else, but nobody except me
- And what was it like?
- You watched the movie "Alien" with Sigourney Weaver?
- Do you want to say that she looked like a huge insect?
- No ... At Sigourney Weaver!
Financially independent tycoon looking promising introduction to
presidential administration. Possible material support. Intimacy with
participation of the Prosecutor General's Office employees do not offer.
- Why did cops striped rods?
- How does a tiger skin: the transitions to hide.
What man wants to hear from the girls:
- Everything is so expensive ... Maybe just me?
What roaming differs from petting? Roaming - is when on vacation for
your hard-earned two dollars a minute, you handle the language of your boss.
A petting - this is when the same money you handle the language
- Dad, and when I come puberty?
- Well, at thirteen years. Th And suddenly you asked?
- Yes that's counting how many years I still can and without prezikov
dispense and so the girls did not flew.
- Do you drink?
- If this question is "no", and if the proposal is "yes."
- Met today in the woods a bear-connecting rod ...
- Not trizdi, in July rods does not happen!
- Some Chernogolovka year round are!
Save wildlife for our children!
Negros and Chinese
Yanukovych caught a golden fish.
- Well, what are your three wishes?
- Hey, herring, but like everything I have, you can adjust the Th?
And let the fish.
Fish thinks: "a real boy, still will fulfill his wishes. What
wants, I will do. "
Goes Yanukovich Thrace, overtakes his Maybach. Here, thinks the real
barrow itself to this.
Ooops - coming as early as Maybach, leather interior, mahogany, telecom
Fashion TV shows, the girls on the catwalk walk.
Yanukovych looks and thinks: I have a secretary.
Op - and already sitting next to a girl. Oh, I have twenty-year secondary ago
Ooops, .... - Camera, Nara, gruel in my hands.