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Now, to ensure that slopes from the army, enough for a bribe to get
doctor's certificate stating that you're gay. The only drawback --
medical board enlistment lets a circle.
- Uncle, can you lick ass?
- Hmm, well on, skis (bends down, takes off his pants). Khehh .. Is this language?
- No, I changed my mind ..
If the driver KAMAZ said that he will travel there, the better
believed him to remove his nine.
- A little boy, tell Grandfather Frost poem, and grandfather give
you here this big horse ... Well, what are you silent, waiting for Grandpa ...
Come on, boy, other children, too, waiting for me ... Well, tell even
something, and then my grandfather would leave and leave you without a gift ... Not
Well then I'll give the horse another boy ...
Yes, sadly, that this horse did not get any of the children at New
homes for the deaf ...
Russia, in 2053. Advertising on the first channel: "Hurry to see! New
project "Factory of stars 234523154", involving the last 15 residents of Russia,
not previously enrolled in the program. "
Belarusian realities: Today on batteries was told that Russia has ceased
gas supplies to Belarus.
The market traded shoppers and the old Jew who sells fur coats.
- I would not buy half-price for a coat. Look - out fur climbs!
- Madame, but for this price a couple of years you will have the perfect leather
Recently in Moscow hosted the first congress of the pessimists Russia. The Congress
decided not to hold a great conference.
New UAZ Hunter!
More than 300 changes in Construction!
For the first time in the history of the domestic automobile industry - are installed and tightened all
necessary bolts and nuts!
Butcher. Shoppers window-counter. Says
- I would probably have picked up a kilo of sausages. But provided that you tell me honestly
say that you made those sausages are put, that ou begin
look very decent.
- Of course, I say. But provided that you tell me what you are
put this in your bra that your breasts are beginning to look very
- Well, you, however, and insolent, young man, oh, insolent. Okay, let me
hundred grams of ham.
Forty years Moses led his people in the desert ... Since there is water and
In the taiga and geolog rabochy are figures: Software uzkoy trope. Neozhidanno for povorotom
nos nosu to face with a bear. Run pozdno. Geolog picks
pistolet. Bah, bah, bah! Bear nedoumenno smotrit, povorachivaetsya and
uhodit. Geolog, breath, osmatrivaet mesto battle. No single drop
krovi on the ground there.
Geolog povorachivaetsya to rabochemu:
- Listen, I do not mog three metrov promazat?
- Would be fired - not promazal. And you pulled pistolet and shouted: "Bah!" Bah! "
From the dialogue with the Chief of subordinates:
- Do I soon begin to understand the multiple orgasm ...
A husband and wife sitting in a restaurant. My husband will crack with a knife on meat,
it flies off to his wife on her blouse.
- Peter, well, see! I look like a pig!
- Yes, I know. By the way, you have a dirty shirt ...
The lesson. Theme about survival:
- Children, what would you take with you on a desert island, so there is good
- I would have brought a handful of grain to provide themselves with bread for all!
- I'd take a gun and fishing tackle to acquire fish and
- I'd take a girlfriend for sex and vine for the organization
wine production, so that was always drunk and cheerful.
- Well, you Vovochka?
- And I would take with him Petya and Vasya Toll!
Two homeless men sitting in the cemetery. One asks the other:
- Thee from the local dead are not muddying?
- Even as muddying! If not vodka, do not be digested ...
For submarine-launched missiles during a demonstration of naval
teachings had a breakup, but the arrival of the President of all of their details were
re-painted, and the entire fleet of shiny napidorashen. Pig was
baked all the rules of the military and the culinary arts. Altogether
situation is assessed as staffing.
- Vasya, do not forget to buy milk, do you hear?!
- Yes, I hear, I hear ...
- Milk is not fat - 0.5% fat, not to confuse?!
- Do not mix up, be quiet ...
- No port like last time, a sort of scum you are, and milk,
- Well, of course, remember ...
- And do not Cahors in before last time, the cattle, you understand me?
- Dus, well, I realized, I realized ...
- Well, let's go ...
After 10 minutes in the shop:
- What she said to take - port or Cahors? Yes, I will not guess
I'll take both of them.
A woman comes to prison to visit her husband, and he asks her:
- How are you, like children?
Then he saw that she had a sad look, and asked:
- What is it?
- Oh, because you have given 25 years, so I went to the prison warden
almost every day for a month, begged him to knock off you
at least one year old.
- And what?
- And every time he made me a very indecent proposal.
- And you?
- And what I ... Come on, let's go.
- Have you heard? Today, Putin is coming to us. Will speak at the stadium
a show-program of the candidate for the presidency.
- And this is someone else with him, five people? Rybkin, Glazyev, Kharitonov,
- This backup dancers!
An old Zhiguli steep cuts in foreign car. From Zhigulis crawls
joyful guy and sticks policy avtograzhdanki appeared in time 'brother:
- I have done it right!
- Well, are you young man, of course. Now go watch your cottage ...
Man comes to a gynecologist, and complains:
- We have many years together, I would like to have a baby, and I have all
- And you try to stick the dick in her pussy.
Comes a peasant in a month. The doctor asks:
- Yes, I did not try much - so pussy he never found.
My wife says to her husband:
- What a beautiful couple - our new neighbors: he hugs her all the time,
kisses, tells her gentle words. Why are you not doing?
- And I got to do with it? I did not even know.
In the shop:
- Man buy two packs of diapers "Haggis" and you will receive a gift!
- Thanks, I already got a gift and now I buy diapers haggis!
The benefits of copyright.
Referring to their special rights, the company Adam & Eve copulation unlimited
patented a method of producing a new human organism by
conjugation of individuals of the opposite sex.
According to international experts, this will lead to a sharp decrease
fertility among the poor, that will solve
global problem of overpopulation.
- Anka! How did you feel now?
- Well, Vasili Ivanovich!
- And we Petya?
Father and son come home from school.
- Son, Do you see that girl?
- I see.
- What is a pretty!
- What are her legs, what a figure!
- Just remember that these girls are sleeping only with top.
The day when the country does not sink the submarines, do not blow up subway
trains, mines, not shoot down planes, helicopters, do not take hostages,
not collapse the building with people, etc. - Are invited to declare a holiday!
In Russia there were Yaroslav the Wise, and Ivan the Terrible, and Vladimir Krasnov
Sun. The current ruler will go down in history as Vovka Unlucky.
- On the shelves of the city you can see the new "White Sea" - at once without
New Russian dies and goes to heaven.
God asks him:
- And what did you do to get to heaven?
- A year ago I gave a beggar a hundred rubles!
God sends St. Peter's check, and he confirms this act.
- That is not enough! - God says. - What else did you do to gone to heaven?
New Russian thinks for a long time and then says:
- And two years ago I also gave the beggar a hundred rubles!
God sends St. Peter's check, and he confirms this act.
- Well, and what we do with it? - Asking God for Peter.
- Let's give him his 200 rubles, and let retracted in hell - is responsible
- And what is better: to the Ukraine or the Ukraine?
- The best in Switzerland!
If you give chalk baby - he draws a circle on the wall.
If you give chalk adult - he will make a circle asshole.
If you let the chalk Zhirinovsky - he writes near the asshole "Program
Less familiar with the Kama Sutra - sleep tight!
Two friends talking:
- Something your Fedka two weeks to be seen?
- Yes it is in the clinic is working to restore his male abilities.
- Yeah! Was again put out the trash and go for potatoes!
Weighed on his chest? Sore joints? He suffers from hunger and insomnia?
Sign the confession.
In the banquet hall of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia held a celebratory dinner to mark the 80 th anniversary
For tables invited with their spouses.
Arises female colonel of Justice and toasts:
- From all my heart I want to thank all those who have the attitude to
Here muzhchinka gets drunk and, with tears in his eyes, said:
- Thank you ... More ... From all ... Gynecologists ...
Symbol of Tallinn - Old Toormoz.
From personal ads:
Manual therapist. Reduce a brain in place.
- Mama, you know, our music teacher, has a small red
- Do not invent, something I had not noticed.
- I also had not noticed before. And you now look in the bath - it
went to wash his hands, and my father just picked up her skirt!
Why Putin's pre-election period, when he has the program "Time"!
News of the software market: advanced Russian version of Windows XP
Issue of the Armenian radio:
- What to do if you are in France, and urgently needed to go to
- Take in Blois.
"Painfully like ... shyly explained his behavior flagellant.
What is a bow-legged? A dvakoryaka, trikoryaka ...?
Census Koryak, however.
At the Faculty of Physics, studying physics.
And the faculty of journalism - journalism:)
Tell me, where is Osama Bin Luddy, and win a T-shirt and stylish
cap from the Pentagon.
- Children, what is meant by "goose bumps on the skin? Masha!
- This means that under the influence of some external or internal
factor is the excitation of the peripheral autonomic nervous
endings which are responsible for sorkraschenie smooth muscle
follicle, which leads to the aforementioned subjective sensations.
Simple language, this vegetative relfeks.
- What do you think about this Petenka?
- This physiological phenomenon is a result of stimulation
sensory peripheral nerves emanating directly from
brain. Simple language, this is a sensitive reflex.
- Little Johnny, What do you think?
- "Goosebumps on the skin" is a failed attempt to dermatologist
control the population of parasites rights because of what they
sprawled on the ectodermal cover the body. Simple language, to wash
need more ...
- Dad, what's the difference between a rifle and a submachine gun?
- Huge, son. Remember, as I say, and says your mother.
- And my last one so no shit and do not come ...
- Well, pancake, horseradish or not included - no shit and did not work!