Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
How does a sailor of Internet users? A sailor girl in every port,
Internet users have - in every city.
"How could I know that my mother in law, Tamara Petrovna, allergy
Arsenic? "- pensively accused.
In the absence of in your bathroom toilet paper please give me
- I have two news for you: one - good, the other - bad.
- Let's start with the bad.
- I smash your merci.
- And what's good??
- I will not!
- Papa, papa, I am in school all say I'm too hairy.
- Manh! You just look at it: our dog is talking!
A man with a puzzled look, wandering among the shelves in a large
supermarket. Serving girl, passing by, asks:
- Did you say something you can not find?
- Yes, I am looking for tampons for his wife.
She led him to the correct shelf and proceeded to the checkout.
Five minutes later, comes this guy with a huge package of cotton wool and a whole
a pile of gauze bandages. Dumped the whole pile in front of the astonished cashier.
- Excuse, - stammered the girl - but I also showed you, where are
- Yes, thank you - meet a man. - You know, yesterday I asked my wife
buy me a pack of cigarettes. So this fool cornered box of tobacco and a pack
tissue paper. It is much cheaper, and they say my hands are not
if I twist his cigarette. So I thought, let him now this
bitch herself tampons welling ...
ATP Kremlin: "You may only be removed from the party leaders Chubais
Kremlin Yabloko ``: "You may only join with ATP pizdyuley
Kremlin `motherland ':" Try to just spill the beans about us, pizdyuley
Kremlin Liberal Democratic Party: "Try to just shut up, get pizdyuley.
Kremlin United Russia ``: "You may now only lose pizdyuley
"Walking Together" - a companion, and may soPutinki ...
- Praise Father, what is fair game?
- It ZDO Palych thought that money was not paid.
When my wife said: "Lord, how you're being an asshole!" I always
standing up for him.
- Dad, what's the icon?
- Images of saints.
- And why are so many Windows icons?
- Because only a miracle can ensure that it is normal
The girl sits in front of a mirror and asks:
- I'm eh on earth all the sweeter and more beautiful and whiter?
Rumor mirror in response:
- You are beautiful, no doubt,
- But the world is terrible and horrible and blacker
- But it sponsors steeper.
- So beautiful year was Baba-Yaga.
The announcement of a job. Conditions: Two days worked, five years
sit, piece-rate wages.
If you are going to visit, spend lots of time on the choice of clothing,
reverses the mountain of rags, remeasure all that is, running in
store (a friend), again remeasure all that is,
clothest-shoot-spitting, sweating, blushing, bledneesh finally
And just to make someone you have a desire to undress.
Yesterday achieved a complete and final victory over drunkenness!
Today, celebrate with friends!
Wife to her husband in the morning:
- Darling, yesterday you talked in his sleep.
- What happens ...
- But you're talking on icq!!!
If the goods are made in the West, "TM" means "Trade Mark".
If in Russia - the "Your Mother ..."
There comes a boy in the video rental department, and says:
- Give me that tape out ...
- And you are 18? It's porn!
- So it Well baby!
Effects of a modern, 2004, Estonia, Tallinn, Pikk Street, Building 28,
morning coffee in bed: "Jaan, where you spent the night on Feb. 18, 1997?"
"Oh, Liisa, you takkkaya revnivaaya ..."
- What will the world price of oil after the collapse of the dollar?
- One hundred yuan per barrel.
2030. Flies an American expedition to Mars, and there at the airport
they are waiting for Russia's paratroopers.
Americans are wondering, how did it happen, you should not be here, and our
responsible, they say, and would be happy to fly, but diesel oil is over.
I listened to Bush's speech the other day.
Or I can not understand, or on Mars have found oil.
New politfleshmob! All meet at the polling stations
vote for Khakamada and noisily blowing his nose!
Preamble: The famous humorist Mikhail Evdokimov decided to make
compete with the current governor of the Altai Alexander Surikov and stated
intention to run for governor of the Altai Territory. Therefore
Altai already have an anecdote.
One man asks another:
- Are you for who you will vote - for Surikova or Evdokimova?
- The best four years to laugh than four years to cry!
Productivity official server of the Catholic Church has reached
10000 indulgences in the second.
Shoppers in the jewelry store:
- You excuse me, that money so soaked ... Oh man is crying
when I gave them.
Dinner by candlelight, at McDonald's ...
He married an avid theatergoer. The next day his friend asked:
- Well as you have passed the first wedding night?
- Oh, nothing, that's just fallen asleep in the third act.
- Yesterday tattoo done ...
- Yes? Where?
- Houses ... both.
In the contest for the shortest autobiography defeated Frenchwoman.
She wrote: "Before I had a smooth face and rumpled skirt
now - on the contrary. "
Good to have a cashier like Abramovich, he thought Putin, sitting in the Kremlin.
Good to have such a guard as Putin, Abramovich is thought, sitting in
Good to have such a guard as Putin and a cashier as Abramovich
thought Boris Nikolayevich, sitting in Barvikha ...
- Many people think that the caterpillar be easy: got into the apple - well-fed and
happy! No, gentlemen, the last State Duma elections have shown that better
be a flea on the Bear "than a caterpillar in" Apple "!
"Burnt by the Sun"
Bush says Putin:
- You know, Vladimir, a lot of your countrymen were sitting in our
- George ... In our potato stalks your countrymen
sits much more!
"Neither a dispensary dick!" - Said Saddam, when he picked
750000 dollars and found the cancer.
Michael Jackson once again run into legal troubles. Authorities of Santa Barbara
asked for his fingerprints. During the press conference, counsel
Jackson expressed extreme indignation and said that his client
fingerprints do not. "
Mars rover - the Earth. Life on Mars has not yet been detected, but in someone
shit I already drove one wheel.
Do not want to be smart - be a good.
Three of beer. One says:
- I am a normal mother-in can communicate only three days a month!
- I've got enough nerve right on to two weeks!
- And I quietly live a month!
- Well, you must have a good mother-in-law?
- I do not have mother in law!
Wedding over, the time of the wedding night, all the guests, of course,
wonder what will they all crowded around the door where
are young. Man about keyhole whispers:
- He kisses her, kisses!
The same voice:
- He undresses her, undressing!
And then a young voice from behind the door:
- And now I'll do what you have never been done!
The frightened voice of one of the guests:
- He would kill her, kill!
A knock at the door of the apartment. Landlord:
- Who's there?
- Open, signalers.
He opened the door and ... to bind
Heredity - this is what you unconditionally believe when your
child learns to five.
Armenian Radio asked:
- Why are Vladimir Putin, the Duma majority?
Armenian Radio answers:
- In order to legalize the occupation of the Constitution ...
Issue of the Armenian radio:
- For how many seconds Oka zero to 100 km?
- Look at what the car bumper catch ...
- Get yourself together!
- I can not, I'm squeamish.
In connection with the upcoming November presidential election and
aggravation of pre-election campaign the U.S. Congress is considering a bill
the temporary renaming of the month "November" in "naebr.
And what if the change proposed earlier about a blind test and glasses?
So - a blind decided to buy a toothbrush. He goes to the store and
available to him by gestures shows the seller that cleans teeth. Seller
guess what it was about a blind man gets his brush. Now --
deaf decided to buy myself sunglasses. How to tell him about
seller? Think twice, and only then see the answer ...
Answer: the deaf-mute fig sunglasses when he and a conventional personal
If your answer does not coincide with the correct, sprinkle ashes on his head and
zabeytes in the far corner.
- Semyonych, you're in New York was that?
- And in ihnem went underground?
- Are you crazy! They say such a cesspool, that a decent man like
I even do not spit on the floor! Whether in our case, the Moscow ...
Girl calls the beauty salon:
- Excuse me, but photoepilation - this is how?
- In Photoshop ...
What is the difference between a good girl and cool girl?
Good girl goes on a date, goes home and falls into bed.
Classroom girl goes on a date, fits in the bed, and then goes
Hopes of Americans - a base on the moon in 2008.
Hope Muscovites - Metro Mitino in 2008.