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Husband henpecked, friends advised him - put yourself. . .
He comes home and tells his wife:
- I'm going with friends in a night club, come home late and drunk. And you know who I would take her shoes?
His wife, waving a frying pan:
- I know, a pathologist.

Joke #56543 —  
 
1
 
Little girl enters the pet shop. It pretty ylybaetsya ppodavtsy and govopit:
- I would like to kypit kpolika.
Ppodavets answers:
- Want kypit this little sepenkogo simpatyagy with derived microcontinents such sad eyes and shaggy this lazy white kpolika?
Girl with ylybkoy answers:
- A moemy ydavy FSUs "th!

Joke #56542 —  
 
2
 
Physics teacher in the classroom:
- We take the ebonite rod, put it in ebonite cup. . .
Little Johnny:
- SCHA kaaaak ebanet! ! !

Joke #56541 —  
 
1
 
Medvedev waking up at night, screaming, sweating, says his wife:
- I hear, this had a dream, a nightmare! ! ! I thought the end of me and us all!
- And that dream? Americans we are being attacked?
- If it? WORSE!
- Is the "orange" plague in Russia?
- WORSE Light. . . Dreamed that I was Putin sacked!

Joke #56539 —  
 
0
 
Suschstvuet view that doctors do not want-there are only two diseases: Kh. . I P.. . Ts
P.. . Y no cure, and Kh. . I myself is

Joke #56538 —  
 
1
 
- Do not you find that cucumber mask helps me to improve my appearance?
- Of course, my dear, I just do not understand - why do you take it off?

Joke #56537 —  
 
0
 
- "My dear, why do we have such a large bill for the Internet?
- It's because someone is too often a headache!

Joke #56516 —  
 
2
 
The idea of man-knows no bounds!
Silly idea, precisely.

Joke #56515 —  
 
-5
 
Pope Klitschko brothers are wanted his sons were boxers
- Why, when they were young, gave them a birthday one toy for two.

Joke #56514 —  
 
-2
 
Joking horoscope. . . DECOMPOSITION RAKE. . .
Bypassing spread out rake, you lose a precious experience.
Rakes and reaction to them. . . ARIES: stepping on a rake, he would come in such a rage that will break them, but in the process will get them again 5 to the head.
TAURUS: will occur on the same rake again and again until they break. . .
GEMINI: able to decide where to go only after the ponastupayut on all rakes.
CANCER: only this will make him take a step forward.
LEO: will tell everyone how cool it is, and advise everybody to do the same.
VIRGO: will advance slowly and methodically. I am sure that if it turns right, all right.
LIBRA: will be very long to doubt, and, taking the only true solution will come at the biggest.
SCORPIO: If and noticed that it was, it is unlikely that this will think.
Sagittarius: Be sure to try to take revenge and come again.
CAPRICORN: stepping on a rake and realize that he came to them, but it is unlikely to mean something.
AQUARIUS: occurs only in the vending him rake

Joke #56513 —  
 
-1
 
In the Brezhnev era, when all state institutions purely "fifth column", suddenly discovered that the Ministry of Foreign Trade has survived yet another Jew. Works fine, not sap, but the team again. . . And here he is summoned to the police:
"So, Abram, responsible task - going to France to sell Soviet perfume! Contract - premium, no - to dismiss incompetent!"
Abram sighed. Left. Two days later - a telegram from Paris to the Ministry:
"There is a contract! Send our spirits in any quantity!"
Returned. Discharged Prize, began to think - as it still West?
Dali catch his breath again cause:
"Abram, you'll go to Morocco to sell our Soviet oranges! Conditions are the same..."
Again, Abram left, and two weeks later a telegram from the Moroccan capital:
"Morocco is buying oranges USSR any quantity, start of delivery --
Abram. "
Another prize instead of the result. The Minister of the hole in the turnips combing - what to do? Finally - an idea! Causes bedolagu personally.
"Listen, Abram, the most important matter - you will go to China to sell our sneakers! Right - the post of head. Sector and no contagion from the Lubyanka not stick. I call on members of the CC!
He was serving his Abram in China. One week - no news, a month, two, three. . . Minister came to life - if that, for absenteeism lay off! Suddenly, at the end of the fourth month - a telegram from Beijing: "China is willing to purchase Soviet sneakers any number, send products - Abram."
Returned Abram - almost met with the orchestra, the prize, the work, all the rest. . . And in the end banquet Minister asks:
"Abram Ilyich explain all the same - why did you last so delayed on a business trip? Little more - and would have dismissed the article..."
Embarrassed Abram: "And think, it was easy in China, the second Jew to find?"

Joke #56512 —  
 
-1
 
In the brothel comes Marine Admiral. In full regalia, all in white, form shines and sparkles. Well he comes in, takes off from the head of snow-white cap, holds it on the top shelf. . .
Views furashka clean, no dust, well thought, and a girl can take. . . Select a girl goes to her room. . . She makes him blowjob, after half an hour breaks away from the penis and said:
- Admiral, so you do not it? ! ? !
- And he must not stand, it must shine! ! !

Joke #56511 —  
 
1
 
Impotent - is a man, often claim that there are things in the world and more interesting than sex.

Joke #56510 —  
 
-2
 
Blonde, unlike the other women met their husbands zapazdavshih pan or rolling pins, and indecent rubber toys that you will agree, it is feared even more.

Joke #56509 —  
 
-2
 
Crisis.
A guy comes home, sits down, opens a notebook and makes it tick:
- So. . . The debt owed to the bank repaid.
Wife:
- Tolia, you know, I have deceived you! ! !
Male, never taking his eyes from the notebook, makes a second mark:
- Double duty - too.

Joke #56508 —  
 
4
 
- How to translate into Armenian self-determination up to secession and formation of an independent state?
- It is very difficult, because of Russian and Armenian languages, this expression is completely different meaning.

Joke #56497 —  
 
-3
 
Have you ever wondered why Americans, alluding to the well-known authority, show only the middle finger, and the Russian - the arm to the elbow?
Why are Americans in his films when cast look at the wall, not down?
Because they do not look nachto

Joke #56496 —  
 
-2
 
The woman in the shop long and carefully chooses the chicken. Sniffed under the wings under the feet, unfolded and sniffed tail. After that, she said the dealer:
- I think that your chicken smells.
- And I think that if you expose a similar survey, then you are unlikely to come out of it with honor.

Joke #56495 —  
 
-3
 
- In what could be done in the SAI right?
- At $ 100.
- Why so expensive, has always been the same for $ 50.
- Yes, a traffic policeman who made the cheaper the car was hit.

Joke #56494 —  
 
0
 
- He's so drunk that Laka not knits.
- The disputed assessment of the extent of drunkenness: I, for example, and he was not sober soon. . .

Joke #56493 —  
 
-1
 
Should senior warrant officer in the form of a mirror with his hands covering his epaulets
- So like a complete moron.
Lose heart
- And so - Chief Warrant

Joke #56492 —  
 
11
 
Torchok comes to the pharmacy:
- 1000 Cans of the drink "Red Bull!
- Why do you need so much?
- Half a gram of cocaine, if you so easily. . .

Joke #56491 —  
 
0
 
Happened!
They waited, finally, the Jewish Messiah. For all countries, margins and corners of the world gather for a meeting. All drew themselves up - no only Rabinovich.
Waiting - no. They sent a messenger:
- From the train has come! Even then, at a time, only accounting dopodobyu, and go!
Waiting. Neto.
Then the very Messiah went to Rabinovich:
- Izzy, how many people will wait for you? !
- Oh, I'll ask you. Well, who would say that!

Joke #56489 —  
 
-2
 
After the wedding night her daughter complained to her mother:
- Yesterday, my husband in bed with me terribly offended. And I said only one sentence.
- What?
- And you are there too!

Joke #56488 —  
 
4
 
Day one. By the earth is approaching a giant asteroid. With brave drillers went to him to install the nuclear charge. Day Two. By the earth is approaching a giant asteroid with nuclear warheads, blyat.
Joke #56477 —  
 
30
 
Aggravation of the main requirements of the national "bread and circuses" is usually met with us at 50% - the spectacle of the lack of bread.

Joke #56476 —  
 
-2
 
A guy goes to the car. Inner voice says:
- Stop and dig zds!
Dig - opa! I found a bag of gold! Goes further, the inner voice says:
- Throw the bag into the sea.
The man thinks: "Now vyplyvet 10 sacks. Threw - nothing surfaced!
And the inner voice:
- Vidal, as bulknulo!

Joke #56475 —  
 
9
 
- Have you ever caused a prostitute?
- Once ...
- And how?
- Well, sat and talked ... remembered as 2 years ago divorced ...

Joke #56473 —  
 
6
 
Three girlfriends: one from America, the other from Germany and a third of Russia ... Call each other, had not seen each other, and that the ether does not clog the word "SEX", and replaced it with "fry Fried ...
The American German woman calls and asks:
- Do you how many times a week "yaitsnitsu zharish?
- Times 2 a week, and you?? - The American asked the German girl ...
- Somewhere 3.4 times a week ...
Rung Russian and asked:
- How many times a week do you "zharish eggs??
- 27 times per month - meet Russian - as well as monthly, from the "frying pan handle suck"

Joke #56472 —  
 
5
 
In response to a request for salary increase - a management response:
"Dear Colleague, We remind you about certain things that you did not mention in its request. For example, we remind you that you are not working at all. In the year of 365 days. You sleep 8 hours a day, that is 122 days. It remains to 243 days . Do you have an average of 7 hours of free time per day, ie 106 days. Countdown 137 days., 52 on Sunday. remaining 85 days. Since you are not working yet on Saturday, subtract another 52 days. It remains for 33 days. Also, subtract the 3 weeks of annual leave, that is 21 days. It remains for 12 days. In, 11 days holiday. It remains a single day at work, as well as you on that day are usually ill, then ... "

Joke #56471 —  
 
-1
 
Man to drag the girl into bed, in principle, capable of any meanness. Beat him in that only a woman can firmly decides to marry.

Joke #56470 —  
 
0
 
Smoked two guys. The doorbell.
One approach, looking through the peephole and sees the figure of a human being's all in red, wearing a copper helmet in one hand staircase, the other hook. Male:
- "Who are you?"
- "As someone, I'm a fire"
- "Fire? Listen fire, fire my meat"
- "Yes, we do not fry, we extinguish"
- "Then put out"

Joke #56469 —  
 
4
 
In July, worldwide sales of iPhone 3G stratum new generation.
Admirers of the most technologically sophisticated phone in the world awaits the mass of new products: a digital compass, auto focus, video shooting. According to unverified information, innovation is even in the charger: now they can be used as fumitoksom. Enough in the slot for the USB-cable, insert the plate AppleFumiToxic. Plates can awaken to buy and activate through the AppStore.

Joke #56468 —  
 
-8
 
- I am going as a car without a license. Policeman stopped me. Well, look, that the wheel is also a policeman, and let him go.
- So what are you - a policeman?
- Just my glass in the car mirror.

Joke #56467 —  
 
2
 
A man drowned in a pond, despite the fact that he was a fish on a horoscope and shit like a man ...
Joke #56456 —  
 
9
 
Scientists conducted an experiment: if a person is put into the bath with water and draw the shutter, then he begins to wash.
Joke #56455 —  
 
-5
 
- Have you ever caused a prostitute? - Once ... - And how? - Well, sat and talked ... I remember like 2 years ago divorced ...
Joke #56454 —  
 
-8
 
1. Folk wisdom: "There is no ugly women, there is little vodka."
2. Vodka will climb soon.
3. Corollary 1: Fine women diminished.
4. Corollary 2: Bad to be a woman - always depends on the price of vodka.

Joke #56453 —  
 
1
 
# 21 22/03/2009 - 12: 25. Author: Koshmarik
If the fairy tale "Cinderella" was written in our day - that surely would have lost heroine not some prosy tufilku there, but, for example, a bra.
And then the prince was trying to be all the girls in the district!
Here's a tale of hunting would have taken him to film!
R. S.
True Haha Prince needed a girl's bra is not nalazit for a single chest kingdom. . .
==============================================
No accounting for tastes.

Joke #56452 —  
 
2
 
The anniversary of the election DAME president.
Holiday press conference with representatives of foreign newspapers, and also present himself GDP with government.
Rises some venerable American political commentator:
- Mr. Putin, I'd want to ask you a question! There is an old adage ryusky - two bears in one den do not fit!
And you are very quiet work with a successor! How did you get?
GDP, with tenderness, looking at the ladies:
- Well, what does this bear? ! This Bear!

Joke #56451 —  
 
-2
 
- Yesterday, to me at night in bed girl zalazim and asks: "Are not you afraid to sleep alone?".
- Well, what about you?
- I speak, of course I'm afraid. . .
- And what? !
- And then the dawn - and then I really got scared!

Joke #56450 —  
 
-1
 
Liquid crystal display, liquid crystal. . So what? Neither you nor liquid, neither you crystals. Only vain Grenzmauer!

Joke #56449 —  
 
9
 
Strafistvyuuyte!
I Usbeksky viryus. Pa causes terrible bednost my my sosdatelya and low uravin rasvitie technology, our country I do not Sposobin cause some Lieb ured Your kampyutyr. Patamu ochna prashyu Vac, pazhalsta themselves Campus some nibut important for Vac file, and Pat rasashlity Minh pas-mail the other adrisa, Saran blagadarin for panimany and satrudnichiysva.

Joke #56448 —  
 
1
 
Medical board of enlistment. A woman - the doctor comes to conscript. She:
-Undress. . . Bend over. . . Slide your buttocks, get dressed.
He (dressing):
"What, mother, grace there is not visible?

Joke #56446 —  
 
1
 
Entrepreneur-secretary:
- Call my car, my darling!
The secretary-head protection:
- Bring a wheelbarrow patron!
Head of the superintendent of the garage:
- "Merce" Chef to the door!
Head of the garage to the driver:
- Waggon our goat!

Joke #56445 —  
 
-1
 
My husband returned from work and sees his wife sees himself naked in the mirror.
- Dear, do not you think that I am still very even nothing? My doctor told me that my chest, like a twenty!
- Yes? ! And about fifty years old your ass, he did not say anything?
- No, dear, of you we are not talking!

Joke #56444 —  
 
2
 
Popal man in the hospital. Nurse brings lunch - a piece of bread, a quarter of a tomato, half an egg, a spoonful of porridge. The man angrily looking at this dinner, then calling the nurse. - What do you want? - Postage do you have? - And what brand? - After lunch habit, damn, read something.
Joke #56433 —  
 
8
 
- What is the difference between what nafig feet, most importantly to know how to cook a good soup.
- I know how to cook soup!
- I.
- I also know how! !
- Oh Shoot! Once such cases - show boobs, I will choose.

Joke #56423 —  
 
4
 
I wonder how many women resist the seduction, to avoid a moral decline and moral errors due to time nepobritym feet?

Joke #56422 —  
 
4
 
Russia, the end of 2009, the height of the crisis. Correspondent is
telecast of the closing of another company. In his speech skips
the phrase "fuckin 'government." After the ether he calls
his immediate superior: "Listen, while heavy, people's nerves or
to hell, and you've been swearing on the air, I call the spectators, indignant.
In short, let's agree that you will not say the air is
word - the government.
Joke #50804 —  
 
0
 
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