Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes
New best jokes, funniest anecdotes
- I went to rest - a fool.
- Savage, perhaps?
- Ob * Bali for me.
- Come to me girl, what do I treat it to her with me
- Yes, that's how many extra problems delivering impotence.
Because some people really can do nails.
But majority of them are only "liquid".
- Holmes! Why are these people run in front of our car?
- It's elementary, Watson! You have half an hour ride on the sidewalk.
Vkontakte and classmates to do a search on breast size.
Medical Institute, Department of Gynecology. Professor freshmen:
- Everyone should be your favorite girl. Homework Without this you
can not do.
Obama is killed during an interview with a fly, and journalists have made of it an elephant.
During the interview, President Obama killed a fly ... What continued conversation
- For the Russian intelligence remained a mystery.
- Your papers, sir!
- Why is it I suddenly sir?
- Because going to the left side of the road!
Want to have a husband during cooking was joking, laughing and spinning somewhere nearby? Invite a pretty girlfriend in a mini skirt to help you in the kitchen.
The wife asks her husband:
- Vasya, but as there is in the mine, tell me?
- I'd rather show you. . . Closes it in the closet and starts to peel the crowbar on the cabinet, spray water, shake it, Half an hour later discovered, his wife fell unconscious and lies. My husband took, and poimel it. Ochuhalas wife and asks:
- It all became clear, but have something me what happened? !
- For early withdrawal from the workplace!
Khokhol sezlil on turputevke in Spain, tells about the bullfight:
"Well, the whole arena taka garna on trybunah - Spanish choloviky - TNI still garni spokiyni, Spanish Wife - garni spokiyni, issued a bull in the arena - velyky taky bull spokiyny, bullfighter out - Garni, spokiyny...
Then bullfighter got komunyatsky flag! And as crazy poshodili! ! ! "
At the All-Russia contest "The most honest Entrepreneur of the Year" was awarded two second and three third places. In the first place no one could not pay.
- Tell us how mad your wife?
- We traveled to the mountains, where a great echo. But she got used to the last word has always been for her. . .
- My dear, we have today wedding anniversary, maybe slaughter a pig?
- Piglet something here with you? This slaughter must be your brother: he's introduced us.
The blonde goes down on eskolatoru in the subway, watching, and there is a Motion serious. Trains go, people come in droves. She looks at all this, and says: "So what are you, Moscow!"
- My eldest brother is able to speak in English! To him goes an English teacher!
- Then my older sister knows how to speak German, play the trumpet, selling oranges and drive a truck! . .
Dog on a dacha dig. Spade. Neighborhood Watchdog looks at her square-eyed gaze. The dog turns to him and said sadly:
- And it all started with the fact that I am a fool, has learned to bring slippers.
Young, pretty girl comes to the church, coming to the priest. It no makeup, no jewelry, clothing, conservative-strict. Dropping his head, asked: "Father, what do you understand the concept of proteireya Theophanes on social and patriarchal union of the soul of man with God on the basis of his religious views expressed to the Russian Orthodox Diocese in Paris? Father: "Marry, fool! Toldos Yeshurun URGENT!"
Steal and kill - is disgusting. But many prosecutors and lawyers for
The European choice of Ukraine lies in the fact that we have accurately
defined, and who ask to borrow!
The best that a man has - his voice, and the worst - the brain,
which does not give the command "shut up"!
Ah, well, when at last appears Orbit juicy tar "? The taste of childhood
- When you see a graduate of the Faculty of Philology, that you usually
- "Two of potatoes and a Big Mac, please."
Three mother in law. First:
- My-law reads magazines about birds, probably, in his youth ornithologist
dreamed of becoming.
- And I read magazines about cooking, cook, probably wanted to be.
- And my, judging by what magazines read, dreamed of becoming a gynecologist.
Kirchhoff's third law states:
If one arm to take up phase, and the other - for zero, then the legs will point
direction of removal of the body.
The recently published "The Book of tasty and healthy food."
It consists of two sections:
1) Delicious food.
2) Healthy food.
- And we clave the wood yesterday grandmother!
- Are you timurovtsi?
- No, the tattoo.
- Water - it is not tasty, it is not drink much.
The interviewer, displaying on the table, two bottles of vodka:
- I am sure, tomorrow morning you change your opinion.
- Dad, I have a problem with our new teacher.
- Well, Little Johnny, all problems can be solved. Look after themselves. Diligent
doing. Be attentive in class. In time do your
- I do not think it will help.
- You see, today's lesson, she whispered in my ear that she delay
for four weeks.
- Doctor, doctor what do you call? - What do you call? - Well, as it's called, I am his wife for the night 16-Tb again! - Pizdesh it is called!
Debate with a girl sitting in the cinema. Ends the session, he says to her: - My dear, we watched a movie and you're in that time I did not even kiss! - Favorite, I'm Set you blowjob! - I?
Sit at home with father and daughter-in-law. Svekrov says: - All of us well. I live in abundance, and does not swear, that's only place is not whitewashed. Daughter in law: - What are the problems, Mama? Whitewash is? - There is just no tice. Daughter in law ran to her father-in obstrigla his beard, took a brush and whitewashed hut. Svekrov again: - Here, whitewashed cottage, and the windows are not painted. - What are the problems, Mama? The paint is? - Yes, there's just no brushes. Daughter in law ran to her father-in and cut off his mustache, took a brush and painted the windows. ... Evening. Husband returned home from work. Views - the father sitting on a tree. - Dad! And what were you sitting? - Yes, son, at home the women gathered pancakes oven. So I still do not know they have, blyat, eggs or no ...
The boy steals in a strange garden of apples. Suddenly, from behind a tree takes off guard and grabbed the boy by the causal place. - What is your name? - Asked the watchman. The boy was silent. Caretaker even more squeezes his hand. - How to call, I ask? In response to silence. Caretaker presses hard. Eggs crunch. - The last time I ask, what was the name? - Yasha - quietly replied the boy. - And why it is still silent? - Dumb I ...
Liliput-son asked his father:
- Dad, can I marry liliputke?
- No, son, can not, and we to mice to # bemsya!
Goes boy on a bicycle:
"Mum, look, I'm going no hands!
Tarar! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
"Mum, look, I'm going beige zhubov!
A man stands near a beauty salon and nervously smoking cigarettes one after another.
After quite a long time, there goes his wife. He looked at her, sighed and said:
- Well, okay, you at least tried. . .
A guy sits next to a girl on a motorcycle, gives her a helmet and says:
- Just do it badly does not close, then to the orderlies not obsessed
Cardiologist arrives in the car wash, he hunky car repairs, and says:
- Hey, man, so I go over the motor - and you are the engine sorted out, only human - why you are paid 4 times more?
Cardiologist nods, goes to the car, including the ignition and said slogger:
- And now try, move with a running engine!
At the reception:
- The patient, Undress! Now turn and bend ... so, you have hemorrhoids!
The patient straightens up and says:
- Doctor, What, could not I say this in person?
Men's happiness - to find that on a daily basis and want to fall asleep and wake up.
If, in addition to this, but she wants to bring wages and exclusively from it wants to have offspring, it is no longer MEN'S HAPPINESS.
An elderly Jewish couple: Abraham and Sarah.
Sarah - an aging woman, Abrasha - man even though much, goes to the ladies. Sara at home alone, she decided to change the situation.
- Abrasha, just can not! It is necessary to fulfill their conjugal duties at least once a week.
- Sarah, how many years you and I live?
- Well, so you have me as a native. Is native E.. . Th can be?
When there is something that needs to be done at whatever cost, the Americans say "Do it or'll die" (Do or die), and Russian "'ll die, but do."
Thus, Russian and even death is not a valid reason.
The evening before bedtime Mom takes a shower, and my father comes to this time in the bathroom and brushes his teeth. I saw my mother through the curtain and wanted him to fuck my mother. He got her in the shower and let her! . .
Here in the bath accidentally looked Vovochka and all I saw.
Dad thinks: "Yes, that's bad happened, we must somehow otmazatsya. . . .
Well, my father decided to portray the punishment - beating her mother in the ass and says:
- This is for you, so you did not scream at Vovochka! Do not scream!
- That's right, Dad, right! And the cat you @ bio that does not scratch!
On one of the streets of Tel Aviv to the playbill Alessandro Rosenbaum reached a similar
woman teacher at the age of Balzac. She put on glasses hanging
her neck a gold chain, and read the name of the program: "New
and better. "Then he took off her glasses and said to herself:" As for the new one
no doubt, but where he will take the best? ".
hurry to buy a new model swatter - "Obama".
Barack Obama during the interview CNBS kill a fly, was trying to
sit on his costume. The operator who conducted the survey, the smoking room said:
Well, let the color, well, let them smell ... let it not politically correct, but Muhu --
Today the chief medical officer stood up in the morning not with the right foot. Worldwide
froze in suspense.
Armenian Radio was asked:
- What is draping?
Armenian Radio replied:
- This is a disorderly retreat.
- Who in Ukraine no longer love, Russian or Jewish?
- Thought to himself. A person with a name like "Yanukovych" any chance of more
were. A man with a name like "Smith" - just do not shine.