Latest jokes | Random jokes | Top jokes

New best jokes, funniest anecdotes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
Never freedom of speech is so precious, as a random
beaten with a hammer toe.
Joke #32859 —  
 
0
 
- Why "padonkaff" half the words spelled correctly?
- They think that they write is wrong.
Joke #32858 —  
 
0
 
At a meeting of two friends, who have long not seen, most often a friend
Friend ask 2 questions: "Have not you married?" and "You have not yet divorced?"
Joke #32857 —  
 
0
 
Lenin must necessarily remain in the mausoleum on Red Square.
As a reminder the rectors of universities on the inadmissibility of deductions
students for political reasons.
bob-lazov@mtu-net.ru
Joke #32856 —  
 
0
 
Her husband returned home in the morning. Wife for a long time listening to his explanations and
makes them short on the output:
- If you do not imagining things, then you're lying!
Joke #32855 —  
 
0
 
Claustrophobia - is when you enter the toilet and ssyshsya from fear ...
Cynical bore
Joke #32853 —  
 
0
 
- What is "Customer support"?
- And that if the user has covered the entire infa copper basin, then you
approached, put your hand on the shoulder and say: "As I understand you!"
Joke #32851 —  
 
0
 
She was a woman "on the amateur": lush waist, thin hair, a long
chest, furry legs, white eyes and brown teeth.
Joke #32850 —  
 
0
 
The policeman approaches the lady lying on the road near the sidewalk:
- Madam, you that bad? We call for an ambulance ...
- Thanks, no. I feel fine. This is the place I took to
husband was able to put the car.
Joke #32849 —  
 
0
 
With a light movement of the hand turns into a disco in the ring.
Joke #32848 —  
 
0
 
They stand naked boy and girl.
Girl:
- Let me touch it.
Boy:
- No, not give, in his already torn out.
Joke #32847 —  
 
0
 
In the tenth anniversary of the wedding wife asks her husband:
- Honey, what did you think of the wedding night?
- I thought that I will fuck you until you chekneshsya.
Wife throws off her robe, lies on the couch and takes the inviting pose.
- And now what do you think?
- I think I did.
Ivan Fuckov
Joke #32846 —  
 
0
 
Rumors about rumors were simply TREPOV.
Joke #32845 —  
 
0
 
When brought to us from India, sitar, this tool was not initially received
widespread. Big, awkward, 18 strings. But over time
Craftsmen have improved it. First, it reduced the size for
convenience of wearing a coat in winter frosts. Second, removed many
extra strings. It became possible to quickly set up while
hangover. Who could not keep opohmelitsya, invented style of play
"trembling hand". And so it was easier to fight in the club at the dances
invented the 2 acute angle. This is how the balalaika.
Joke #32844 —  
 
0
 
The money they are! They are either beginning to end, or finish
begin.
Joke #32843 —  
 
0
 
- And my wife for the past 8 March Tsvetikov-Semicvetik presented.
- And what?
- We eat what we want and not getting fatter, a year without a hospital.
- Wow. What else?
- I earn a lot of bucks.
- How much?
- I do not know. His wife manages finances.
- In both, what else?
- Quit drinking, smoking, swearing.
- Hello, and ...
- I like to tinker in the kitchen. Prepare there, wash the dishes, perfect order
bring ...
- Oh!
- And every day at six in the evening I was an unknown force brings home.
- And from the billiard room?
- From any location. Now I hate soccer and hockey, fishing and hunting,
but love figure skating, serials, and transfer about love. So.
And you say ...
- Wait a minute, what about the seventh petal. They're there for seven was?
- Come on, guys, we're not children, will not it is measured. All the same, at
you have no chance.
Joke #32842 —  
 
0
 
Yesterday at the station "MIR" depressurization occurred. Depressurize
40 bottles of beer. Throughout the night our astronauts spacewalk.
Joke #32841 —  
 
0
 
Sergei Ivanov was on the table memo. "In the Ministry
Defense detected an intelligent officer. "" How? Classmates Why did not immediately report it?
Disgraceful! "- Spinning thoughts in my head Ivanov. He picked up the receiver, ordered
adjutant to call the deputy. "This is what your mother is going on?" --
he asked in his usual vizglyavym voice. "Do not worry you
Sergei Borisovich, he had resigned last month, "- broke into
frightened smile first deputy. - "This is how the multiplication table, the damned,
learned and memorized the entire alphabet, and had gone rogue. Say once in
FSB took.
Joke #32840 —  
 
0
 
A guy at the reception of the psychoanalyst:
- You know, all my favorite erotic dreams turned into some
nightmare. In the most interesting part of the bear suddenly appears and loudly
shouting "Hello!"
Joke #32838 —  
 
0
 
Two lie in bed. She chastises him:
- And remember, if I look like a prostitute, dressed like a prostitute,
behave like a prostitute, it does not mean that I can be
treated like a prostitute!
Ivan Fuckov
Joke #32836 —  
 
0
 
Love was invented by women!
In order not to wait for men to save money for sex ...
Joke #32835 —  
 
0
 
They talk to a guy with a girl:
- Do you want to show the focus?
- To educate yourself you will!
Joke #32834 —  
 
0
 
Worth centaur before stone on which is written: "To the left you go - the horse
lose, right - to lay down his head, and thinks ...
Joke #32833 —  
 
0
 
- Zaporozhec need to drive three hands!
- I do not understand, but why?
- One of holding the handlebars, the second - for the gearbox, and the third
wiping tears!
Joke #32832 —  
 
0
 
Alarm clock programmer, always before the ring, asks the question --
are you sure that you want to wake up?
Wolf teeth Crack
Joke #32831 —  
 
0
 
At autopsy dolls found 7 more bodies.
Joke #32830 —  
 
0
 
- Someone will remove the skeleton, Morrison?
- This is the skeleton of a maid, sir, no one to remove it!
Joke #32829 —  
 
0
 
All the Jews - to their historical homeland ... Egypt ... slavery.
Joke #32828 —  
 
0
 
British authorities finally went to meet Russia's security services, and
allowed to conduct the search in the London apartment Berezovsky --
reported weekly "Sabotage". Results of the search leaves no
doubt that the oligarch is seriously preparing for the overthrow of the existing
built in Russia. The apartment has been found: the satellite picture of the Kremlin,
rope ladder, file, piece of sausage with a sleeping dog and
Constitution of Russia.
Joke #32827 —  
 
0
 
The results of census in Moscow:
- 10% - "Who's there?"
- 10% - "I'll give you the census, now calling the police!"
- 80% - "E! Narmalna! What is a census-shmerepis? Zdes no zhivet!"
Joke #32826 —  
 
0
 
Rings Yushchenko summer of 2004 Bush and said:
- You do not need Ukraine?
- How much?
- $ 150 million.
- Ahuet, give two!
- Ukraine we have one!
Joke #32825 —  
 
0
 
Condoleezza Rice and George Bush sit on a ranch in the latter, sipping
cocktails and sunbathe. Condoleezza says:
- Here again Malenkevich called, asked to send him warm tent.
George W. Bush, fanning herself with a folded newspaper:
- And Najera him in this time of year warm tent?
Joke #32824 —  
 
0
 
To the question "How do I prevent the fall of piles at the train station?"
been proposed:

1. Municipality. Expand nat. project: "Safety - Moscow metro --
purchase of armored cars, strengthening the vaults, etc., the cost
1.2-1.5 billion mantas. dollars.

2. State Duma. Adopt a law on compulsory insurance for passengers Metro
(OSPAM). The cost of 0, since for all passengers pay (margin
25-30% of the cost of tickets).

3. Interior. Create a special construction police, the state 300 thousand people
average salary of 8 thousand rubles, give them broad rights to check any
documentation and to stop any construction work without explanation
for up to 1 year.

4. Ministry of Economic Development. Restructure industry, divide Moscow
Metro at 12 AD, to sell piecemeal. In the Board of JSC "Turnstiles"
(collects money at the entrance) already contained 3 Minister.
Joke #32823 —  
 
0
 
During the Great Patriotic War on the shells, torpedoes and missiles
"Katyusha" was made to write "For the motherland!" "To Berlin!" "To victory!".
Good tradition decided to revive obezbashennye near Moscow
builders, laborers from the Polyus-M. On stilts, famously killed in tunnel
Moscow metro brown paint had written "hello!"
ViKing
Joke #32822 —  
 
0
 
In Russia the three evils - fools and roads and piles ...
Joke #32821 —  
 
0
 
Bin Laden:
- Skyscrapers - airplanes. This is understandable!
But the station - piles??
Joke #32820 —  
 
0
 
As one friend wrote to me, the second pile to the train station was
control shot.
Joke #32819 —  
 
0
 
Advice to fishermen:
If you get tired of fishing in the river or sea fish
now emerged a new kind of fishing - underground.
The pioneers of this type on the first day to catch a huge
underground worm. As the hooks used piles.
Joke #32818 —  
 
0
 
Luzhkov builders at the weekend set a new record:
They struck the tunnel of the Moscow metro and damaged a train. This
unable to make the whole war, no Luftwaffe pilot. Otherwise
their activities are similar.
Joke #32817 —  
 
0
 
Anyone who teaches others how to be better, always has in mind, as will
better for him.
Joke #32816 —  
 
0
 
Cadres decide only that intended by those who withdraws.
Joke #32815 —  
 
0
 
Pinocchio complains Pope Carlo:
- Dad, I have constipation!
- Bring a drill!
Joke #32814 —  
 
0
 
Y Ass birthday, her friends come and bring a cake.
Ass looks at the cake and asks:
- Where are the candles?
She answered:
- Ass, you have a birthday or hemorrhoids?
Joke #32813 —  
 
0
 
All the more likely the incumbent president to invite international election
observers from the CIS. Presidents 100% sure that the observers
Society for the Blind, dumb and deaf not find any violations
electoral process.
Joke #32812 —  
 
0
 
According to the soc-polls, all sober in Belarus voted for
opposition. The remaining 95% of the population - for Lukashenko.
Cherdakov-awful
Joke #32811 —  
 
0
 
Full version of the slogan "Ukraine is one we have:

Ukraine we have one!
All is not enough!
Joke #32810 —  
 
0
 
- I heard the new Palestinian government said it wants to destroy
Israel! What, it has become more radical?
- I would say that it has just become more honest.
Joke #32809 —  
 
0
 
Most sold books published by "E-bukman.

Series Coll. Op. Ivan Susanin.
Volume 1: "How to make friends."
Volume 2: "Russia's semiconductors.
Volume 3. "Forests of Russia".
Volume 4: "Collection of the Polish mat.

Forthcoming:
Volume 5: "How to create a woman."
Volume 6: "How to create a" Lada "?

Series "terrorists on the note."
JK Rowling "Gori, Potter!".
Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a boat, not counting the living. "
Rodion Raskolnikov, "How quickly chop attendants."

A series of "healing power of sex: self-help.
Boris Moiseev Night disgrace.
__ "The Book of the Priest and his Balde.
Nabokov "Captain at Fifteen.

Series Izdrannoe.
"How to save money." The book is made in a lovely leather
cover with gold embossed and laminated paper.
Five-volume "The benefits of waste paper.

But the high demand the book "As I respect the officials." For
convenience of the book is made with soft paper, in rolls and without the text.
Joke #32808 —  
 
0
 
Before marriage, I told the bride that I have a little quirk.
The next morning, she reassured me: He's very, very small.
Dunkin.
Joke #32807 —  
 
0
 
Wife-killer:
- Dear, I am pregnant.
- Make me a blowjob.
- You know, I do not like.
- I'm too indifferent to this, but controlling a shot in the head to
simply obliged.
Dunkin.
Joke #32806 —  
 
0
 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311