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New best jokes, funniest anecdotes from category Family jokes

Top jokes from Family jokes category

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In the State Duma held a charity dinner.
Scraps from the tables were sent to 24 children's homes.

Joke #4364 —  
 
0
 
One oak - it is an oak. One hundred oak trees - a grove.
One of the devil - the devil. Hundred devils - a mother-in-law.
Joke #4399 —  
 
-1
 
At the global competition for the hijacking of vehicles:
Third place was awarded to the terrorist Abdul, who stole top secret
bomber with a top-secret airfield;
Second place was awarded to the terrorist Said for hijacking a top-secret
Underwater
boats with a top-secret submarine base;
First place was awarded to the terrorist Hatab for hijacking a motorcycle of a biker
from the gang "drunken Wheel. Posthumously.

(C) Robinson OdEcsky
Joke #4395 —  
 
-1
 
In a rich family's daughter was ugly, her boyfriend started to walk,
and once his mother found the young men kissing.
It's strictly a guy said:
- I hope you are doing it with serious intent?
- What do you think? Not because of the fun now!
Joke #4394 —  
 
-1
 
In a rich family's daughter was ugly, her boyfriend started to walk,
and once his mother found the young men kissing.
It's strictly a guy said:
- I hope you are doing it with serious intent?
- What do you think? Not because of the fun now!
Joke #4394 —  
 
-1
 
In a rich family's daughter was ugly, her boyfriend started to walk,
and once his mother found the young men kissing.
It's strictly a guy said:
- I hope you are doing it with serious intent?
- What do you think? Not because of the fun now!
Joke #4394 —  
 
-1
 
They talk to two mothers:
- All tables in the courtyard domino go in! Children play cards
nowhere!
Joke #4392 —  
 
-1
 
They talk to two mothers:
- All tables in the courtyard domino go in! Children play cards
nowhere!
Joke #4392 —  
 
-1
 
Children came found out sick teacher. She lies in bed,
forehead damp handkerchief. The teacher opens his eyes and said:
"Duty, wet, please rag!"
Joke #4391 —  
 
-1
 
At the lecture the professor explains how nature compensates man
loss of any property:
- If a person is blind, he had keen ears. When strong
as a man, it is usually weak in mental development.
Note from the audience:
- Now you know why you became a professor.
(C) Vasil
Joke #4387 —  
 
0
 
- When I was a child, the doctor told me: "Do not stop gnawing
nails - grow up idiot. "
- And why do not you stop?
Joke #4386 —  
 
0
 
Students read the brakes before the exam on programming language

C + + "a large and thick book of the founder of language Stroustrup.
Those poshustree, limited textbook C + + in 21 Days.
And one student, well, very mischievous, after an excellent pass the exam itself
decided to write a textbook.
Textbook will be called "C + + for one night."

(C) Robinson OdEcsky
Joke #4384 —  
 
0
 
In the Brezhnev era, when all state institutions cleaned
of "fifth column", suddenly discovered that the Ministry of Foreign Trade
survived yet another Jew. Works fine, not sap, but the team
than ... And here he is summoned to the police:
"So, Abram, responsible task - going to France to sell
Soviet
perfume! Contract - premium, no - to dismiss
incompetent!
Abram sighed. Left. Two days later - a telegram from Paris
Ministry:
"There is a contract! Send our spirits in any quantity!"
Returned. Discharged Prize, began to think - as it still West?
Dali catch his breath again cause:
"Abram, you'll go to Morocco to sell our Soviet oranges! Conditions
the same ... "
Again, Abram left, and two weeks later a telegram from the Moroccan
capital:
"Morocco is buying oranges USSR any quantity, start of delivery --

Abram. "
Another prize instead of the result. The Minister of the hole in the turnips combing --

What to do? Finally - an idea! Causes bedolagu personally.
"Listen, Abram, the most important matter - you will go to China to sell
our
sneakers! Right - The Head of office and no contagion from the Lubyanka
not stick. Word Central Committee member!
He was serving his Abram in China. One week - no news, a month, two, three ... Minister
come to life - if that, for absenteeism lay off! Suddenly, at the end of the fourth month --
A telegram from Beijing: "China is willing to purchase any Soviet sneakers
quantity
send products - Abram. "
Returned Abram - almost met with the orchestra, the prize, the work
everything else ... And in the end banquet Minister asks:
"Abram Ilyich explain all the same - why did you last so
delayed
travel? A little more - and fired to the article ... "
Embarrassed Abram: "And think, it was easy in China, the second Jew to find?"

magadanian
Joke #4381 —  
 
-1
 
Husband and wife are going on vacation.
- Children will send to my mother - says the wife.
- Dog and Parrot postpone Aunt Fyenya.
- Cats take janitor.
Male looking thoughtfully out the window.
- If the apartment is so quiet, why somewhere to go?
Joke #4410 —  
 
0
 
Husband and wife are going on vacation.
- Children will send to my mother - says the wife.
- Dog and Parrot postpone Aunt Fyenya.
- Cats take janitor.
Male looking thoughtfully out the window.
- If the apartment is so quiet, why somewhere to go?
Joke #4410 —  
 
0
 
If sausage sold as well as software
then under the transparent wrapper around it would be the following agreement:
1) The manufacturer does not guarantee the compatibility of this product
with the organism and has no implications for its use;
2) the consumer is forbidden to examine the contents of the sausage
(eg, the presence of rat tails);
3) the buyer may sest sausage, but still does not become her
owner;
4) to use sausage can only one person;
5) the buyer can not sell sausages to anyone;
6) the manufacturer does not guarantee that the product is free from errors
(eg, from impurities of potassium cyanide);
7) the possible responsibility for the health of the purchaser can not exceed
cost of sausage;
8) severing the wrapper, the buyer accepts the terms of this agreement.
Joke #4421 —  
 
2
 
Vstpechayutsya two "new pysskih, one gpystny such. He began
pazgovop of life:
- As yet Quaternary flies! By a simple stpashno done. Son pastet,
turned 9 years has finally arrived.
- So it hoposho! Assistant pastet. And why are gpystish something?
- Yes shkoly forgot to pay!
Joke #4417 —  
 
0
 
As you know, women and men - is the complete opposite.
Consequently, if all the men - brothers on reason, all women --
Sisters of madness.
Joke #4416 —  
 
1
 
Once Carlson put his pants inside out. This is how the chopper.
Joke #4429 —  
 
1
 
- Well, as a rest in the Alps? How like skiing in Austria?
- Place just beautiful! Beauty indescribable! Skiing learned
pretty good ride.
- So, all was well?
- You know, there were problems with nutrition. I lived in the mountains one
peasant in the house. The first day that a bored three chicken --
master them and we scored two days of eating only roast chicken. Then
like pribolel calf, he too was stabbed. Almost a week we ate only
veal. Then my grandmother took to her master, then I quickly slip away from me!
Joke #4073 —  
 
0
 
- Well, as a rest in the Alps? How like skiing in Austria?
- Place just beautiful! Beauty indescribable! Skiing learned
pretty good ride.
- So, all was well?
- You know, there were problems with nutrition. I lived in the mountains one
peasant in the house. The first day that a bored three chicken --
master them and we scored two days of eating only roast chicken. Then
like pribolel calf, he too was stabbed. Almost a week we ate only
veal. Then my grandmother took to her master, then I quickly slip away from me!
Joke #4073 —  
 
0
 
Graf is a servant:
- Charming Man, come see me tomorrow mother-in-law. Here is a list of her favorite dishes ...
- I understand, sir.
- ... And if you cook at least one of them - immediately get
calculation! ...

MaxFactor
Joke #4092 —  
 
0
 
Grandson enters the room and sees - his grandfather as crazy swinging
on a rocking chair. The grandson is surprised:
- Grandpa, you're the chair so you fall! What's the matter?
- You see, my doctor prescribed a move more ...
Joke #4091 —  
 
0
 
Grandson enters the room and sees - his grandfather as crazy swinging
on a rocking chair. The grandson is surprised:
- Grandpa, you're the chair so you fall! What's the matter?
- You see, my doctor prescribed a move more ...
Joke #4091 —  
 
0
 
Grandson enters the room and sees - his grandfather as crazy swinging
on a rocking chair. The grandson is surprised:
- Grandpa, you're the chair so you fall! What's the matter?
- You see, my doctor prescribed a move more ...
Joke #4091 —  
 
0
 
Grandson enters the room and sees - his grandfather as crazy swinging
on a rocking chair. The grandson is surprised:
- Grandpa, you're the chair so you fall! What's the matter?
- You see, my doctor prescribed a move more ...
Joke #4091 —  
 
0
 
One homeless person - other (with an intelligent air, pouring another glass of samogon):
- Vasya, heard shveyhtsarskaya prosecutors inkerminiruet Pal Palych more
and organizing a criminal!
- What kind of community?
- Yes, probably Russia and Belarus.
Joke #4086 —  
 
0
 
Scientists one of research centers have recently opened
the heaviest chemical element known to science and named it
Administrary (Ad). Administrary not have protons and electrons,

so its atomic number is equal to 0. However, it contains 1 neutron,
125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant
vice-neutrons, which together give him an atomic mass of 312 units.
These 312 particles are held together through the continuous exchange
smallest, like mesons, particles, which scientists named
ukazonami. These particles make an infinite random motion
from one particle to another. Since administrary does not
electrons, it is absolutely inert. Nevertheless, it can be found
chemical method, because it slows down any reaction that
occurs in his presence. According to researchers, even a small
of administrariya increases the duration of the reaction, which
normally occurs in one second, up to four days.
Administrary has a half life of about three years. However, he
does not decay as do the usual elements, instead it
undergoes reorganization - a small part of assistants neutrons
vice-neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places only.
In fact, the atomic weight administrariya has property
increase with time, because from time to time at each
reorganization of the joint action of one or more ukazonov can
lead to new assistant neutrons, vice neutrons
and assistant vice neutrons. Thus there are isotopes
Administrariya with atomic mass of more than 312. In rare cases

with particularly high concentrations ukazonov, it may be a new neutron.

In this case, the disintegration of the nucleus administrariya into two parts, each
of which begins to emit large amounts ukazonov and very
quickly
reaches the masses in 312 units or more.
Generally, property ukazonov at high concentrations to produce neutrons
Scientists have raised an interesting hypothesis about the spontaneous administrariya
the accumulation of a critical mass ukazonov. Now scientists
process information to calculate this critical mass.
Joke #4119 —  
 
0
 
Suitable Carlson to the kids and says:
- You heard Frekken Bok has recorded a song and shot a clip "I'm mad!
What a shame ... "
Joke #4118 —  
 
0
 
First Personal. The chief director of the Moscow Youth Theater - Henrietta
Yanovsky. Her husband - also the director, and his name is Kama Ginkas.
Anecdote:
Waking up Yanovskaya, shove her husband's elbow and said to him
gently:
- Well, wake up or something ... Kama in the morning ...
Joke #4115 —  
 
0
 
Life is merciless to men ... When they are born, their mother
receive flowers. When they marry, the bride received flowers and gifts.
When they die, their wives get insurance and rest in the Bahamas.
Joke #4109 —  
 
0
 
Outside, dusk. She lay on her back completely naked. Her pale
chest in the last rays of sunset highlighted in pink.
Raised, slightly bent legs, as if offended at each other,
parted and looked in different directions. Captain Sidorov, zapahnuv
robe, was standing in deep meditation. He was something to ponder:
how to feed a family of frozen chicken?
Joke #4101 —  
 
0
 
Addict floods on a visit to a pal, and in fact a trained dog,
encounters, gives paw. Narco took the dog by its paw, it was turning the long,
and then spoke:
- Well, joke! And how do you koleshsya?
(C) Robinson of Odessa
Joke #4099 —  
 
0
 
Tiny was very sorry Carlson.
But the pope was very necessary outboard motor ...
Joke #4130 —  
 
0
 
After meeting with his employees, the company owner said:
- Congratulations! You have a successor!
- Alas! With my salary I can not be heirs - I
be only children.
Joke #4128 —  
 
0
 
The lesson of mathematics in school. Teacher asks:
- How much you should pay the amount, if you have to butcher 155
pounds
baker - 100 pounds, at the grocery store - 124 pounds, and in
clerical bench - 20 pounds? Hu-ka, answer me, Johnny!
- I do not know, we are in such cases, moving to another area.
Joke #4133 —  
 
0
 
Duma deputy, said another:
- Why did you say Mr. Gaidar "Hello Egor Mihailovich?
He replied:
- He lives under a pseudonym. His father - Mishka Kvakina.
Joke #3484 —  
 
0
 
A guy dies and goes well into the next world. Well, find him and ask, "
What do you want?
Guy: - All my life I lived unrequited love. When I was in school,
I liked a girl, but she liked another guy. When I was
the Institute, I was in love with a beautiful girl, but she married
other. When I worked, I was mad about a woman ..... but
gone abroad. In old age would make the proposal a grandmother, but
She threw her hoof. In short I want to be loved!!
Then came a peasant, he looked - he is standing naked in the middle of the room,
and around - fagot!
Joke #3481 —  
 
0
 
A guy dies and goes well into the next world. Well, find him and ask, "
What do you want?
Guy: - All my life I lived unrequited love. When I was in school,
I liked a girl, but she liked another guy. When I was
the Institute, I was in love with a beautiful girl, but she married
other. When I worked, I was mad about a woman ..... but
gone abroad. In old age would make the proposal a grandmother, but
She threw her hoof. In short I want to be loved!!
Then came a peasant, he looked - he is standing naked in the middle of the room,
and around - fagot!
Joke #3481 —  
 
0
 
In the rabbi's wife was the first time to give birth. On this occasion he
assembled congregation and said that as children - is costly,
it would be good to increase the size of donations. And the meeting decided
that parishioners should increase its contribution, each time when the family
Rabbi growing.
But as soon is the sixth child was born, all the synagogue was
resented. Then the rabbi said:
- Why are you dissatisfied? Do not you know that the children - a manifestation
will of God?
Then from the back row came a voice:
- Since the snow and rain - also a manifestation of the will of God. But this does not interfere w
Still wearing a hood!
Joke #3480 —  
 
0
 
In the rabbi's wife was the first time to give birth. On this occasion he
assembled congregation and said that as children - is costly,
it would be good to increase the size of donations. And the meeting decided
that parishioners should increase its contribution, each time when the family
Rabbi growing.
But as soon is the sixth child was born, all the synagogue was
resented. Then the rabbi said:
- Why are you dissatisfied? Do not you know that the children - a manifestation
will of God?
Then from the back row came a voice:
- Since the snow and rain - also a manifestation of the will of God. But this does not interfere w
Still wearing a hood!
Joke #3480 —  
 
0
 
Quarrel two Hollywood stars:
- Do not act like a lady. You do not even know who your mother and grandmother!
- Indeed, my grandmother told different. For example, it is - you!
Joke #3504 —  
 
0
 
Quarrel two Hollywood stars:
- Do not act like a lady. You do not even know who your mother and grandmother!
- Indeed, my grandmother told different. For example, it is - you!
Joke #3504 —  
 
0
 
The son said his father:
- Dad, I want to be patalogoanatomom!
- Over my dead body!
Joke #3502 —  
 
0
 
The son said his father:
- Dad, I want to be patalogoanatomom!
- Over my dead body!
Joke #3502 —  
 
0
 
- Weaker now wit petty officers corps - someone complains commander
Regiment. - This used to be foreman - a fact! My grandfather told me how to
These
in the company of guests come from a nearby shelf. Had to spend the night. Where
place, if there is no extra seats? So starshina packed guests
beds, and their soldiers forced to wear coats and all on the shoulders
hung on the rack in the storeroom. Slept all - but how!
Joke #3523 —  
 
0
 
- Weaker now wit petty officers corps - someone complains commander
Regiment. - This used to be foreman - a fact! My grandfather told me how to
These
in the company of guests come from a nearby shelf. Had to spend the night. Where
place, if there is no extra seats? So starshina packed guests
beds, and their soldiers forced to wear coats and all on the shoulders
hung on the rack in the storeroom. Slept all - but how!
Joke #3523 —  
 
0
 
Remembering the children's poems.
Putin: - And from our window is visible to the Red Square!
Borodin: - And from our window, only statue of a little ...

Tractor Bel
Joke #3520 —  
 
1
 
- Women - like letters in the alphabet. There are vowels and consonants are. But
last few outrageous!
Joke #3519 —  
 
1
 
Little Johnny at school or in the tooth foot.
- Why did you upoki? - Sppashivaet teacher.
- Yes, at home constantly ssopyatsya mother and father.
- I saw your mother, and who is your father?
- This is what they are and time and find out ...
Joke #3515 —  
 
0
 
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